It feels good to finally do this. I've been looking at some other sites on here. It's kinda funny how I planned to air my deepest darkest fears and insecurities on here and I thought that would be really original. But it's also a relief in a way, I always chuckle when I read a line that could just as well be from the voice in my head putting me down. I feel like this blog post took a dark turn. oh no. how do I turn back? uh… – I know, a different thought!
Another thing I was thinking about while reading what other people put on their site is how weird the relationship I have to those people is. Like, sometimes they seem really nice, but they never really reach the point of being a "real person" in my mind. And it's probably the same for you reading this right now. I can't reach through your screen and wave at you, making you recognize that I am actually a living person in this moment, writing those words, sitting in my messy room with who knows what intention. That's all terribly cliche, I know. Sometimes when I go for a walk I make up names for the people who walk by. It's really fun, you should try it. Maybe try it right now. Make up a name for me, imagine me sitting at my computer. Do I have a big nose? A friendly smile? A round face or a narrow one? Try it, close your eyes for a moment.
Did you like that?
I was just thinking about how when I write down my political opinions they sound like edgy teenager stuff. And that maybe doing political theory is just edgy teenager stuff for grownups who like to use fancy words. But thats probably just negative self talk. I mean, the world really is pretty shitty for a lot of people out there and I shouldn't beat myself up for trying to make it better in the ways that are accessible to me. This one is a sad one.
At some point I should automate this. Did I tell you that I'm not a tech person? Like, not at all. I have more or less no idea of IT except for what I've hacked together over the last 10 or so years. If life was an RPG I'd probably have to start thinking about resetting my skill tree. But it's fine. I can mostly follow conversations about tech stuff, but I rarely ever talk to people about tech. Not for lack of trying though, I just don't know that many tech people. It's always nice, but they usually discover that I lack a lot of basic knowledge while at the same time knowing a lot about esoteric shit nobody uses. I guess that's what people call a hobby? I'm not sure.
Something else: I'm really tired right now, but I don't want to go to sleep because at night is the only time I don't feel like I'm supposed to be productive. I think I've been doing this since I was a kid. I know it hurts me in the long run, and I've gotten better with it. But especially when I feel stressed out I tend to stay up late and do brainless stuff. Not to insult you, dear reader, but I've written more interesting things than this. But hey, at least I'm writing something!
Weird Question: How do people get things done? I feel like the capitalists have established a monopoly on talking about this. How do I find intrinsic motivation in a world where doing stuff for any other reason than keeping the machine running is considered a luxury? Everytime I try to find ways to make myself actually do the things that I aspire to I'm confronted with self-improvement-gurus telling me that if I just write to-do lists in their specific way I will be a millionaire tomorrow. It all just seems like elaborate "this one weird trick"-clickbait.
In a way, it reminds me of my own anxiety, just on a societal scale. I used to sit around all day trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I thought that if I just knew which circuit in my brain didn't work I would suddenly snap out of it. After a while (and with the help of a therapist) I recognized that that wasn't healthy. And that throughout my hours and days of obsessing about the one weird trick I'd have to perform I never realized how much better my life could have been if I had just been able to move on. I guess that's a part of the answer.
I wonder if my question has something to do with the way we live our lives nowadays. Are we just conditioned to think about solutions as something quick? Like buying a coffee instead of fixing your sleep schedule. If so then how do we get out of this madness? And how do I do it without Marie Kondo? Is there a way toward emancipation that … feels good?
Well, I'm rambling again. But thanks for reading anyway. If I find an answer to any of my questions I'll let you know.
Something else was going to go here, but I kept it to myself
I just had a cigarette, it's about three hours later now and I decided that I had to write something even though I said I would keep it to myself.
So. Postmodernism.
Not the philosophical school necessarily, but the condition. I feel like it really is a condition to me. A neurophathology, if you like. I should probably explain what I mean by that, but I think you'll get it from context. I feel like my whole psyche is pretty much derivative from the condition we're in. I'm 24 now and I have no idea what to do with my life. In an earlier life I might have worked at a factory or as a baker or something. It might have sucked, but at least I could have said „I am a baker“. All I can say now are biographical facts and vague aspirations.
It's all turning in on itself over and over again. There is no progress but the passage of time.
I would love to have something happen. A bang. I remember the first weeks of lockdown last year. I was honestly extatic. Not necessarily in a good way, but it felt like finally something happened. But now we all know that it just kind of went on. Isn't that just maddening? Have we exhausted all possibilities of change? Or maybe is that just the gigantic delusion we're all under?
This text doesn't have a point, if that's what you were looking for. I guess I'm just trying to prove something to myself.
Not really a thought, but I had a rough day today and I just booked an appointment with my therapist for the first time in 6 months. So. yeah. That's probably a good thing.
I hope yesterday's post wasn't too cringeworthy. I can't read it right now, I feel like that would be to much atm. In case you're wondering: I think I'm ok. Don't worry. I'm just having a rough time right now and writing it down helps somewhat. Also I feel like writing publicly, even in a small forum like this is a step in the right direction for me. I really wish I could interact with you in some way. It feels like this is developing into a theme, right?