~luclu7@TTBP



28 june 2020

hey, back to english this time I guess

i'm a bit bored, like everyone you could say, less depressed than usual so good news here (friends comming in a few days will help too). I won't explain everything which happened at my cat, but that was quite stressful.

my "main" ""issue"" right now is with ~programming: i want to launch a project, learn new stuff and all... So I create a folder, launch vim and... around 5 seconds later, I just give up, it's just useless, it's like I make useful stuff. If I have an idea, someone already did it way better than I ever could. It's a bit hm, bad? I want to learn something, I open the documentation and around 5 seconds after, I give up, cd ../ && rm -rf project. Also, frontend is just boring, I can't stand doing HTML and CSS, or even worse, JS

And well, it's basically the end of the lockdown here, almost the summer holidays, so summer, so- ok i'll stop but at least it's a bit less depressing than usual



07 june 2020

Je sais pas si c'est le fait de maintenant avoir 17 ans et d'avoir l'impression d'avoir (j'aime utiliser avoir visiblement) fait un saut de 13 à 17 ans, mais j'ai comme l'impression de n'avoir pas du tout évolué. En sois, si, j'ai appris énormément de chose en électronique et autre trucs du genre, mais au niveau personnel, j'ai l'impression de n'avoir rien fait, d'être la même personne hypocrite, qui ne sait pas mentir mais qui essaie quand même, généralement maladroite et qui ne sais pas tenir une putain de conversation normale sans en venir à sois même. Et je parle même pas de tout ce qui est ~transition, sur internet c'est "bon", à part les quelques personnes que j'ose jamais reprendre (est-ce que c'est de ma faute si ils ne remarquent pas? à vous d'en décider), le pier étant en vrai, car au niveau personnel, c'est limite si je sais sortir de chez moi (ou du moins, ait la capacité au niveau mental de le faire, je sais très bien me repérer et me déplacer, mais sortir c'est impossible, go figure). Du coup avancer au niveau personnel comme ça, bon courage. Quand j'ai commencé à vouloir essayer, hop, COVID19 donc confinement.

[tw suicide] je suppose

Je dois avouer que depuis le confinement je vais globalement mieux, ne pas devoir aller en cours et rencontrer cette classe, se lever tôt le matin et tout l'environnement m'a fait beaucoup de bien. Car avant, ça faisait des mois que j'hésitais à sauter d'un pont, avec des moments plus ou moins importants. Mais j'ai toujours eu peur pour une raison: si je râte mon suicide et survit, non pas que ma vie est foutue mais bon, un peu quand même. Ne serait-ce qu'au niveau scolaire, quelle école veut d'une élève pareille? Ne serait-ce qu'à l'hôpital, j'ai pas envie d'essayer pour voir mais 1: vu le timing, pas le moment pour se suicider et 2: bon courage pour expliquer pourquoi tu viens de sauter d'un pont ou d'essayer de faire une overdose d'un médicament commen un énorme imbécile, vu que les raisons sont forcément privées et qu'on en a un peu honte généralement. Bref, le côté médical etc. Mais aussi, je n'ai que rarement voulu réellement en finir. C'était plus une sorte d'appel à l'aide en dernière mesure. Ça s'est bien amélioré mais visiblement j'ai l'imperession que ça commence à redescendre, à voir.

Bref, la vie c'est compliqué™️



01 april 2020

heey, so time passed, a lot i guess, since... wow august! so it's now 2020, i'll skip on the boring new year celebrations etc I wasn't even in this class last time guess it's time to talk write about it. So, first, i knew nobody: not a good start i'll skip all the harassment part, because it's a bit boring and repetitive and they stopped now. english is even easier this year eh at least, i'm sometimes brave enough to... go to the supermarket. Also, eh taking paris' public transports



30 march 2020

heey, so time passed, a lot i guess, since... wow august! so it's now 2020, i'll skip on the boring new year celebrations etc I wasn't even in this class last time guess it's time to talk write about it. So, first, i knew nobody: not a good start i'll skip all the harassment part, because it's a bit boring and repetitive and they stopped now. english is even easier this year eh at least, i'm sometimes brave enough to... go to the supermarket. Also, eh taking paris' public transports



23 august 2019

tfw when you watch someone's videos to be better when you're "depressed", and you discover that he's an asshole on twitter :(



08 august 2019

sometimes, you just want to rest, but then you're bored, so you try to do something, but at the end, you're just more bored than before

sometimes I want to look back at what I created, but not from my own eyes, i'm way too pessimistic to see good things from me. But if I don't see "good things", it's maybe not because I'm too pessimistic but just because they aren't any. the worst is with people tho

i still wonder why i can just write stuff like that in english, but I just can't in french (my maternal language, even tho I only speak french on twitter). Usually when i post something in english I always "validate" it with any translation tool, just to check my sentence is correct. And i'll probably check that one too even if i know it's correct. But somestimes, I make some errors, and a) i "validated" it before so uh b) "I didn't 'validate' it before, that's why I made an error"

i think i already talked about that before, but eh, i can just type anything, it's quite handy.

oh well just read something.. "sad?", that'll be the end of this txt then, i don't want to write something while begin depressed



26 may 2019

so yeah, i'm 16 years old today

don't have that much to say honestly ahah

exept that moment when you want to say something, so you write it... to erase it, to reformulate it, and re-erase it again, to reformulate it again, and again... At the end, jut giving up and not saying anything. just wanted to write it somewhere

as always, the advantage of just writing text on a keyboard instead of talking to someone is that the computer will not try to find a "solution" for your issues/talk to someone else about it.

two and a half weeks before vacations, finally... but to be honest, sometimes I just prefer to be in class, just because it's less boring (unless it's french, don't speak to me about that)i that last line seems to clunky, i dunno if i should remove it or not, but i'll guess i already reformulated it enough time

the fact that i don't have much to say is quite good: i'm not that depressed right now, so let 's hope it stays that way (spoiler: it won't) sorry if i just write random nonsense stuff, it's like 2 AM now and i clearly lack some sleep, thanks insomnia

Ace attorney games are excellent BTW, the trilogy kept me busy for a few weaks

that'll be enough for today, time to sleep, I guess



11 april 2019

it seems that an array starts at 0 everywhere, that's nice

honestly I don't know what to write, espetially in english. Let's say that I can speak english without ~issues, but I alwas have the feeling that what I'm writing is false and doesn't say anything. The worst part is the oral, even in French I have problems with speaking sometimes, in English I just can't say anything correctly. I panic and say ~anything, except what I should say. :D The worst part is that I ~like to talk to people, but it's so hard sometimes, even if the magic "mute" button exists on the internet. But what if you mix everything and must present something in group and in english? yeah let's say that's not easy, even if I prepare everything.

Anyway, writing (like this text) can be hard too, but it's waaaaaaaaay easier than oral.

wait, wasn't I saying that I don't know what to write like 5 lines before? Oh let's say that doesn't count.

The purpose of this blog? Hmm... Just a bunch of stuff, ideally in english, than I don't feel "okay" to post anywhere else (too "private" for twitter, too personal sur my other blog or even just people/friends, I wouldn't want to annoy them with random personal stuff) Sometimes you're more comfy to write about random things in your life in Vim than to tell someone, just because you know that Vim won't say "ok but I don't care" (nobody will ever say that, but as it doesn't concern them, it's logic to don't really "care"). I'm a confused sometimes. :D

I'm a bit depressed thoses times, that's like 2 years now. That's quit uncomfortable but eh, when you're 15, you can't do a lot of thing. At least holyday are in ~one week, so it's still better than nothing.

Just realized that I wrote that without verifying if it was correct, so I may be doing enormous typos and faults but eh, at least I can write that.



01 august 2017

Hum... Hellow? :D