24 march 2020
i'm listening to Tiderays by Volcano Choir. i always thought it was "ti-der-ays" but now that i'm looking again i guess it makes more sense for it to be "tide-rays." no matter. it's a good song. go listen.
what the fuck are we all supposed to do right now? COVID is upon us. today was essentially day one of my adjusted life. day. one. i'm already tired of it (and of course i'm already tired of it) but why is this so terrible? freshman year i used to do this all the time! never leaving my dorm room, eating little to nothing, sustaining on espresso and a bunch of "new girl" while writing long enigmatic journal entries that i'll be re-reading over and over for the rest of my life. what have i lost? the apartment i'm trapped in now is much larger than the dorm room was then. maybe it was my choice then, but it isn't now. but i could still walk around outside if i wanted. i did then. and i could now, if i wanted.
it's everyone now, too. back then it was just me, in my room, alone, while the rest of the world churned outside of my window noiselessy grinding. but not now.
how long are we going to keep pretending? department heads and professors desperately holding on to any semblance of normalcy through the webcam, nearly strangling it to death. knuckles white and taut. we will not get it back. we will get something different. i just hope it's something better than what we have now.
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24 may 2019
it's been a while...
things are different now. than they were earlier. better in some ways, worse in others. i'm just glad that classes are over until the fall and i just get to enjoy this place a little bit before the students rush in again next semester. i'm working at two breweries now, instead of just the one farm brewery i've been working at for a year. the new one is so big and... corporate. they've got good beer, but i like the feel of RS so much better. feels more like home to me. plus everything is still confusing as they work out kinks and things, and i've never been good in those kind of work environments. i just need to be told what to do so that i can just do that thing and not be bothered.
i think i might start writing in here again. at least, more than i am now, which is basically none. i'm working on a project that i'm really excited about, and i'll probably make a post about that.
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06 january 2019
the beginning of the end...
in 2019 i've decided to write more in physical notebooks instead of a text editor on my computer so i'll probably be writing less in here. although that's probably due to a number of reasons besides just the notebooks.
my brother leaves to go back to college today. in a week or so, i will too. my sister's high school classes start tomorrow. many reminders that i'll be joining them in due time. i've been reading this book "bullshit jobs" by david graeber and i think it's really good but also kinda personally depressing for me. not something i should read a lot of at once.
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21 december 2018
i went ahead and purged my feels account...
idk i think i was anticipating my feels account going differently than how it ended up. but i'm back now.
i was up late hating things last night. my brother, sister, mom and i were sort of having an argument about current events stuff and my mom loves to hate on how things are going but refuses to accept that drastic direct action has to take place to change anything. always saying something like its not the answer or whatever. i just wish i knew what to do cause then i could at least point myself in a direction and if i fail i fail, but at least it would be better than being completely directionless.
i'm disassociative again. i have been all this week. i want to explain further but i don't have the energy right now. maybe later.
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