What I Learned from TikTok

When I was in college there was a period of my life where I used an app called TikTok. It was a video-sharing platform, essentially; but what made it different, made it special, was its reccomendation algorithm. Similar services at the time had auto-curation systems, but TikTok's was special: it was the only one that seemed to accept me as I was, with all my complications and preferences and hangups all at once. It let me be complicated, letting me into a pigeonhole all my own rather than a given "likes pretty girls" or "buys things" or "cares about this" category. Of course, it was still a pigeonhole, one that defined a constrained identity -- better than none, at the time.

And being known, for once in my life, was addictive. Eventually I realized it was essentially a slot machine, that I was pulling the lever and betting my time, my attention, little pieces of my personal experience, and hoping in the long term the gain in identity would outpace the losses. So I walked away... and back... again and again.

Eventually it forgot me. I'd crawl back through the door each time to see a few more of my things missing, see it demand I watch a few more strangers' videos from outside my personality embedding so that it can remember me. And one day... it died. I read its obituary in the paper. So I wrote a script and came back to that place one last time, gathered all my liked videos, things I saved to learn from, chips I never cashed in, and put them a box in the attic of my computer.

One day I'll go through them for real, all those thousands, and remember who I was then, what the world as. For now, I've made a partial effort of documenting all the things I meant to learn.

• Get retinoids to fix your skin, don’t skimp on a hairstylist, and get Laneige lip mask.
• Wash your sheets once in a while.
• When going to New York, only get into genuine, licensed yellow taxis.
• Get a face towel for each day of the week. A “sulfur” cleanser will regulate sebum and decrease inflammation, making pores seem smaller.
• Read Dostoyevsky’s White Nights to truly know love.
• An activity to de-insecure your adult restaurant outing: when another table laughs obnoxiously as if they’re having a great time, direct your table to do the same, as a bit.
• Become a furniture designer and make a special, personalized home for you and your spouse.
• When you have to do something frightening, go to someplace safe first, and imagine gently leaving your inner child there and assuring them that you’ll be back.
• A small dog can be taught to shoot elastic hair ties at balloons.
• AMC Lincoln Square is the largest IMAX screen in the NYC area.
• A cute way to take photos of your loved one is to make a composite of portaits of them in several poses, like something you’d get from a an 80’s mall photo store.
• Kerastase products are genuinely very good for your hair.
• Bánh Bò Nướng is a cool Vietnamese coconut-flavored cake.
• The four-in-hand knot is the most sophisticated necktie knot, especially for thinner ties and narrower collars.
• In japan, Tsukiji market is a tourist trap. Do not ask for English restaurant menus, and don’t buy the SIM cards at the airport.
• Collect drawings and art made by people you know —even sticky note doodles made when they visit.
• “Freddish” is the name of the strategy that Mr. Rogers used to speak to children.
• Life is Strange is a good game with a soundtrack that could introduce you to new music.
• Pomegranates and trying again with someone… is the sweetness worth the bloody mess…?
• When all you can do is wait for the feeling to pass, imagine putting the energy into something, then put it down somewhere, or drink it. Or wrap up a gift to open when it does, to remind you that it will.
• Get inline skates. Now.
• Make your roots less flat by using less conditioner and heavy products, and by diffusing the top of your head, not just the sides.
• If we were fish, and we had no way to talk to each other or even hold each other, would you let me swim a in little circle around you to say “I adore you”? Would you swim in a circle around me?
• Bring your loved one over and let them tell you every thought they have. Listen to the wind in the branches of their mind.
• You can use “content aware scaling” to smush cute dog pictures into interesting shapes.
• Get a really tight midriff and wear a big jacket over your crop top.
• Pick up things like you’re holding a cigarette between your first two digits, palm facing up; apparently women find it kinda hot.
• Umberto Eco’s “Travels in Hyperreality” is very relevant to the modern world.
• Aguirre, the Wrath of God is a good movie.
• Mandarin Possets are an easy and fun dessert.
• Collect your rainwater!
• Do hydroponics. Try to grow wasabi.
• Visit the Teshima “Art Museum” on the island of Teshima for some cool architecture.
• Statistically, you are not bothering your friends enough.
• Buckwheat-hull-filled pillows are BIFL, and easy to form into something that keeps your spine neutral.
• Men can benefit greatly from “no makeup” makeup— subtle eyeshadow, lip stain, powder foundation, etc.
• Get good at general fitness faster by increasing your vO2-max; Train this first with exercises that target it, like “kettlebell swing ladders”.
• To get a good men’s eyeliner look, use a pencil type eyeliner, apply to the innermost edge of the eyelid (behind the lashes), close the eyes and rub gently to achieve the correct amount of smudge.
• Watch Skins UK, sooner or later.
• “How old would you say you are, if you forgot how old you were?”
• “Natural” swimming pools exist, which use aquaria/aquaculture concepts to keep the water clean.
• If you have any kind of public professional presence (a website, a portfolio), cold emails can work.
• An Airport for Aliens, Currently Run by Dogs exists.
• Try flying a glider (sailplane) at some point.
• Pigeons make good pets and can be potty trained.
• Practice skiing switch while standing still, first. Remember to “open” your hips to increase your field of vision, while twisting the outside leg in to counter.
• Tattoos can be made with UV-active ink.
• Vibram five-finger shoes are drip. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
• To feel special, maybe try finding your friends by just going places and hoping you see them there, as if phones don’t exist.
• A specific, cute girl’s haircut: bangs, with part of the sides allowed to frame the face, and two braids holding everything behind the ears.
• For girls’ style, a sweater/sweatshirt, a longer skirt, and boots are a good framework.
• To smell better, use silicone (antibacterial) washing tools, use matching scented products, and rinse well (clogged pores contribute to smell). Shower gel does not clean, just scents. Use a solid soap bar. Glycolic acid toner kills BO-related bacteria. A body lotion will make scented products last longer.
• Tofu can be frozen to make it less dense.
• “Hues and Clues” is a board game about naming colors.
• Get a proper white ski mask, with the wide eye holes.
• Thicken soups with egg yolks by adding small amounts of the hot liquid to the yolks while stirring. Then, once the mixture is hot, add it to the stock.
• You really should get some inline skates.
• Put some toothpaste on your teeth before flossing.
• Turn a kitschy Garfield lamp into a vivarium.
• Angora rabbits can have their fur spun directly off of their body.
• Fjallraven Keb trousers are good hiking pants.
• In childcare, it can be a powerful move to reward a child for meeting a new responsibility by briefly relieving them of another responsibility.
• Watch Spirit sooner or later.
• Ittala is a good brand for glassware.
• Take a cute couple’s photo from the point of view of you patting your loved one on the head.
• Get one of those beanies with the corners that look like ears.
• Perhaps to love someone is to be content decorating a room with no promise that they might ever enter it.
• Attach chains and necklace charms to your derby boots. Big crosses are cool.
• Remember that you can talk slower than you think and nobody will notice.
• Ikiru is a movie about embracing mortality and human connection.
• On the Silver Globe is has wonderful costume design.
• Ikekuburo West Gate Park is a Japanese TV series about youth gangs in the early 2000s.
• Nobuta wo Produce is a cozy Japanese drama about high schoolers.
• We are OFK, DREDGE, and How to Say Goodbye are good “cozy” games.