"Time Control? You've come to the right place..."
Then you are probably BETTER than most people!
IF the only thing you've been able to laugh at for the last 5 years is the fact that NOTHING is funny anymore-
IF you sometimes want to collar people on the street and scream that you're more different than they could possible *imagine*-
IF you can possibly help us with a donation-
IF you see the whole universe as one vast morbid sense of sick humor-
IF the current "Age of Progress" seems more like the Dark Ages to you-
IF you are looking for an inherently contradictory religion that will condone megadegeneracy and yet tell you that you are "above" everyone else-
could *save your sanity!*
- -Your secret wishes can be granted in full-
*once you know what they are!*
"You'll PAY to know what you REALLY think. "-J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, 1961
NOW, AT LAST! The step-by-step process is revealed! THIS IS IT! - the only "faith" that promises ACTION- THRILLS- SUCCESS IN SEX AND BUSINESS!
Perfect your subliminal vision -edit your memory- *relive your reincarnality* SYNC UP! THE SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK!
Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM you can now MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smoking, eating, sleeping, working; end baldness, constipation, sex-money problems, assouliness, and painful shortage of SLACK!
*Become a Doktor* of the Forbidden Sciences... make religion a kick-ass adventure! Indulge in Self-Help through Raising Hell!
Thought you'd tried everything? YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET! Learn to THINK BIG! Develop the tricks of Length Extension! Bring your *weirdest dreams* to rampaging LIFE!
Stand erect for you own abnormality. WISE UP! *They're* out to get you.
The "different" are being silenced by a global conspiracy. WEIRDOS ARISE!! You probably already knew that the U.S. Government is a SHAM--something propped up there for you to *blame*. But did you know that the *real* "powers that be" are not even *people*? That they are actually shambling, unbelievable, unmentionable, unthinkable THINGS??
"Bob" is a way of life to *millions* - yet *half* of them don't even KNOW it! He is the one true LIVING SLACK MASTER with the spiritual know-how to help you BASH THROUGH the locked doorway to FINANCIAL HEAVEN. He is the *only* real Short-Cut to Slack.
As you learn more and more reliable, safe methods of Time Control, you will find your I.Q. increasing - your very cranium will seem to pulsate from within, barely able to contain the turmoil of glorious new concepts and mental skills. Soon you'll be able to withstand COMMUNICATION WITH THE *XISTS*, our *mentors in space*; you will be ready for TRANSFIGURATION into a *new physical body*, a more powerful one, built to contain the surging mental and material mutations that your brain now generates. YES - become and OVERHUMAN, a dangerous and feared superhuman of the future! Yet - because your SubGenius roots can never be forgotten - you won't be able to abuse your powers, but instead make them an unstoppable force for GOOD and JUSTICE, choosing always to defend the oppressed SubGenius wherever they may be!
The world is a turkey, and "Bob" gives you the carving knife.
Fear THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL no longer!
Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE- overnight!
Attain STATUS-LUCK-PROSPERITY by *blowing them off*!
When you join this "Order of the Knights of Wotan," you get a mastery of *fighting skills*...good health, an attractive personality, and a WEIRD ABILITY TO INFLUENCE OTHERS! To BEND THEM to your WILL!
You'll learn INCANTATIONS that lead to MASTERY over FISCAL PLANES... the OCCULT TECHNOLOGY of FINANCE POWER ...E-Z ways to borrow money - from *other people who don't have it either!*
Achieve SHEER GUT BLOWOUT.
Our "ascetism" consists solely of the abstinence from abstinence. Give up the not giving into of temptation! Think thoughts that no human has ever dared think before. You CAN learn to recall memories from the past that you had forgotten, or that never existed at all.
"SURVIVE THE GREAT CATACLYSMS THROUGH UFO TRANSPORT!"
All this is ULTIMATE PROOF that Jehovah 1 has not only promoted the SubGenius as His Special Tool, but has SIMULTANEOUSLY pulled the strings which make THEM endarken Themselves with their hereditary ignorance AND US with their cubistic witch-hunt superstitions. His "reason" for this two-faced obedience-school programming, this fissioning of history into binary "war equations," unfortunately, or, perhaps, thankfully, remains at total mystery.
But Jehovah 1 is not alone in His cosmic meddling, for Earth has been periodically visited for thousands of years by BENEVOLENT ALIENS of such technical and psychic superiority that their powers, while no match for Jehovah's, are nonetheless nothing short of "Godlike" to we roaches, the Human Race. These BENIGN SPACE MONSTERS, the "X-ists," have walked among us throughout history, investigating and sometimes resisting the subatomically-pervading presence of Jehovah 1. We are not, then, alone in our battle/subservience. The rise and "fall" of Atlantis, the erection of the Pyramids and other monuments which NO SLOPEHEADS ALONE COULD BUILD, the miracles of the Old Testament, all these and more are events so inextricably interwoven with the invisible background war between Jehovah and the Xists that all the "Ancient Astronaut" fossils in the world furnish only the barest of clues. (The movie rights ALONE to these gut-splitting tales of reincarnancient history are worth MILLIONS!) Yea, it has even been suggested that the Carpenter of Nazareth himself, God Jr., Jesus 'What, Me Worry?' Christ, was in actuality a 'space detective' of the Xists, walking the Earth in human form with the mission of extricating us from the Monster God's grip.
The black shadow of the Conspiracy, unfortunately, has seen to it that even His teachings were diluted and distorted until human attempts to follow them were fully as misguided as the carving of the heads of Easter Island or the 'runways' of Nazca.
And so the true history of the SubGenius has been kept secret from Man. For Jehovah 1 is to the Xists and Us what a hungry fisherman is to a prize fish and his favorite pet worm - the last in the can. How many million other races were used before us in these ghastly galactic water-sports?
For YOU are lucky enough to "live" in the End Times when the Word of Jehovah's Prime Ordinance has been made known to "Man"kind by the Primanimal SubGenius, the High Epopt of the Church!
In the early Fifties an industrious young American drilling equipment salesman, while watching late-night TV, was abruptly REMOVED and transported astrally to the 'IDGE' of JEHOVAH 1 HIMSELF! In this seizure-like trance he took the brunt of the first brain-buffeting communications of countless to come from the alien Jehovah: awesome pronouncements which form the sacred PRESCRIPTURES of the SubGenius (available for $19.98 at most bookstores!)
This milestone in Man's mined path to Slack was:
THE DIVINE EMACULATION OF J.R. "BOB" DOBBS!!
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While yet the least approachable or scrutable of the vast SubGenius membership, he is the preeminent and most frequently invoked of the godzillion PERSONAL SAVIORS of the SubGenius. While he remains an anonymous executive shunning publicity or recognition at a faceless multinational corporation, he is nevertheless The Most Ascended Master, the original Retriever of Jehovah's Message on Earth and basic model of the Archetype SubGenius. He set the "anti-pattern" of random conduct among all those who are now practicing SubGeniuses. His are the defects and peccadilloes that we 'analize,' his the SLONGS and the JESTS which we devotedly twist and distort for future generations according to our unexplored whims. -- AND YET the only photos of him that exist are grainy frame blow-ups from Grade Z movie thrillers in which he played bit parts!
Dobbs is, of course, the ultimate symbol of SubGeniusness, but despite/because of his infra-human mediumship he possesses one single failing above and beyond all other shortcomings: his omninclusive FOLLIES. Yet where they would be crippling stumbling-blocks for another person, in Dobbs they loom stranger-than-life. His ten billion all-too-human quasimodalities embody, in some cheaply symbolic way, all the Foibles of the Primate Race. Dobbs is a miacrocosm encapsulating the imperfektions of the so-called 'human condition;' his Blunders and Idiocies, errors and inadvertencies are perhaps more sacrosanct, more deserving of analization than even his hallowed salesmanship. None of "Bob's" words or deeds are particularly spectacular; their holiness lies IN their nondescript but inviolate triviality. As Dobbs once 'spouted,' "THE STUPIDER IT LOOKS, THE MORE IMPORTANT IT PROBABLY IS."
You too can can be a part of this WAVE OF THE FUTURE!
Make *strangeness* work for YOU!
Thought you were 'ordinary'? WRONG.
Tap your secret Abnormality Potential.
Take control through liberated weirdness.
And that's only The SubGenius Foundation Inc. Our publications are merely the TIP of a ROGUE ICEBERG of real-world activism by thousands of uncontrollable "Zombies for 'Bob.'" IT'S WAY TOO LATE FOR US TO STOP THEM NOW...the World SubGenius Church relentlessly replicates itself in loathsome tenements, in basements and attics, in mansions and igloos, everywhere, but grows like a cancer BEST right in the wholesome breadbasket of America (and the REST of the world, too!). Packs of untamed SubGenii run amok in sick "Gut Blowout" party/rituals; "Bob" rises leering over a lurid post-1984 landscape like a transcendent, mutated Alfred E. Newman, the "New Man," his Face stenciled on overpasses, the nameless cry of the rebel forces -- "SLACK!" -- scrawled across abandoned 7-11s...
WEIRDOS: Feel smarter than those around you, but constantly stomped back? Receive an unbelievable booklet for one dollar - just the cost of ten trips to a pay-toilet! This pamphlet is chock-full of information on the sacred rites of FORNICATIONALISM and EXCREMEDITATION, mind-blowing artwork, and above all the first step on your path towards TOTAL SLACK!
A very simple deposit achieves *INSTANT SLACK* at a savings of *$5000!* Unbelievably unusual pamphlets. Damn weird. Totally new.
Send $1 to:
The Church of the SubGenius
PO Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214
and you'll NEVER be the same again...
$16.50 - THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS - ISBN # 0-671-63810-6
Published by McGraw-Hill. 200 pages, large, slick softbound Horror Bible. You'll never have to read another book as long as you live -- because you'll just sit, reading this one OVER and OVER again. Holds all answers to everything; PROFUSELY illustrated. Encompasses Life of "Bob," his prophecy, and all the instructions you'll ever need for survival, Slack and prosperity in The End Times. This is not some silly handbook for Weirdos or mutant-people guidebook, but a WEAPON! The words and images trigger certain primordial responses. It is an intensifier of perception, it stretches your imagination to the limit -- and POPS IT. You will then learn that no matter how sure of things thought you were, you were DEAD WRONG and GROVELLING is an ILLUSION manufactured by the "Authorities" who secretly LORD IT over your VERY MIND. After that you can continue to live in blithering normalcy, never guessing what you're being fattened for. BEYOND 'HIP' OR 'FUNNY:' the "Sistine Chapel" of the 20th Century. The book to go buy.
$15.50 - HIGH WEIRDNESS BY MAIL - ISBN # 0-671-64260-X NYES! The nonfiction encyclopedia of abnormality, published by Simon & Schuster, brings you 300 pages describing the 500 most bizarre fringe groups on the face of the Earth, and how to get their stuff for a 29-cent stamp. Like the Stark Fist OTHER MUTANTS section, but with an even higher level of sarcasm, more rants, and cornea-melting sample illustrations. Covers the sickest and/or best of everything from UFO cults, hate groups, and kooks of every stripe, to the most advanced bizarre art, music, and comix. The ultimate Whole Earth Catalog for SubGeniuses. Co-authored with Remote Control, Waves Forest and Mike Gunderloy. ** WARNS ABOUT THE BATTLE FOR THE MIND. **And IN BOOKSTORES NOW! BRAND NEW!
$16.50 - *** REVELATION X: THE "BOB" APOCRYPHON! *** Last New Testament, our fourth book for mainstream Conspiracy publishers Simon & Schuster, has been FINISHED! "IT IS WRITTEN." This HUGE tome of PURE DOCTRINAL RANTING and HIGH-POWERED GRAPHICS is the continuation of THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS (as opposed to an anthology like 3-FISTED TALES O' "BOB")...the greatest story EVER told, so utterly and relentlessly TRUE and SLACK-IMBUED that old-time SubGenii, and newcomers alike, will laugh 'til their guts bleed and befoul their pants in sheer astonishment -- and JUST WAIT'LL YOUR PANTS GET A LOAD OF THE *LOOK* OF THIS THING!! St. Paul Mavrides has done a design job that will have you RIPPING YOUR OWN EYES OUT IN ECSTASY when you grok the THOUSANDS OF INCREDIBLY DETAILED ILLUSTRATIONS!!! This heart-stopping new "LOUVRE" of SubGenius art, which makes THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS look like a JEHOVAH'S WITNESS PAMPHLET or CHRISTIAN COMIC BOOK by comparison, IS HERE NOW. LOOK FOR IT. Reserve copies at your local bookstore now! (Doing so will prompt the stores to stock more of 'em than they otherwise would!) Tell 'em you want REVELATION X by The SubGenius Foundation, Simon & Schuster (Fireside Books), ISBN # 0-671-77006-3!
Twist the Church for your OWN ends!!
Become an ordained SubGenius Minister
and attain the secrets of the World Weirdo Network!! Cost: only $30!
DISPENSATIONS and INDULGENCES SOLD -- PAPALSHIPS and DOKTORATES granted --
If he hasn't seen your $30, you're still Pink to "Bob!"
So what are you WAITING for?!? Lease your soul to "Bob" today!
FORGIVENESS and BLESSINGS DISPENSED! Read THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL and learn not only the Word of Dobbs but also ways to contact, buy from, and sell the incredible (yet REAL!!) network of SubGenii and SubSymps everywhere. Learn of local revivals, other secret societies, UNUSUAL PRODUCTS, Other Mutants. THIS IS NO FAKE. You get THE STARK FIST (they're 100 pages each, full of rants, art, Prescriptures, doctrine, charts, filth, comics, reviews and CHURCH NEWS); plus Pamphlets, Catalog, posters, documents, stickers, and a wallet-sized, legal-looking MINISTER'S CARD granting you every imaginable right and excusing ALL SINS. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET ON THE MAILING LIST OF THE CHOSEN, PIERCE THE SHROUD OF SECRECY INSULATING THE CULT, AND OBTAIN SUCH PRIVILEGES AS BEFIT MEMBERSHIP IN A SECRET SOCIETY OF THIS SCOPE.
DISPENSATIONS and INDULGENCES SOLD -- PAPALSHIPS and DOKTORATES granted --
If he hasn't seen your $30, you're still Pink to "Bob!"
So what are you WAITING for?!? Lease your soul to "Bob" today!
- --- a fragment. Transcribed from a cassette tape recording made at a seance in 1973.
"I PICK THE GOD DAMN terror of the fucking gods out of my *nose*! Pardon my language. But YEEEEEHAW, let the sons of God and man bear witness! Even in the belly of the Thunderbird I've been casting out the False Prohets; I'm busting a gut and blowing my O-ring, and ripe to throw a *loaf*! For I speak *only* the fucking *Truth*, and never in my days have I spoken other than! For my every utterance is a lie, including this very one you hear! I say, `Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!' By God, `Anything for a laugh', I say. I am the last remaining Homo Correctus, I am the god damn Man of the Future! I'll drive a mile so as not to walk a foot; I am a human being of the *first* god damn water! Yes, I'm the javalina humping junkie that jumped the Men from Mars! I drank the *Devil* under seven tables, I am too *intense* to die, I'm insured for acts o' God *and* Satan! I was shanghaied by bodiless fiends and alien jews from a corporate galaxy, and got away with their hubcaps! I *cannot* be tracked on radar! I wear nothing uniform, I wear *no* god damn uniform! Yes baby, I'm 23 feet tall and have 13 rows o' teats; I was suckled by a triceratops, I gave the Anti-Virgin a high-protien tonsil wash! I'm a bacteriological weapon, I *armed* and *loaded*! I'm a fission reactor, I fart plutonium, power plants are fueled by the sweat from my brow; when they plug *me* in, the lights go out in Hong Kong! I weigh 666 pounds in zero gravity, *come and get me*! I've sired retarded space bastards across the Cosmos, I cook and *eat* my dead; YAH-HOOOO, I'm the Unshaven Thorn Tree of the Atlantis Zoo! I pay no taxes! The Devil's hands are my *ideal* playground! I hold the Seven-Bladed Windbreaker; the wheels that turn are behind me; I think *backwards*! I do it for *fun*! My imagination is a *fucking* cancer and I'll pork it before it porks me! The say a godzillion is the highest number there is. Well by God! I count to a godzillion and *one*! Yes, I'm the purple flower of Hell County, give me wide berth; when I drop my drawers, Mother Nature swoons! I use a python for a prophylactic; I'm *thicker, harder* and *meaner* than the Alaskan Pipeline, and carry more spew! I'll freeze *your* seed before it hits the bathroom tile! YEE! YEEE! I kidnapped the future and ransomed it for the past, I made *Time* wait up for me to bleed my lizard! My infernal breath wilts the Tree of Life, I left my *spoor* on the Rock of Ages, *who'll tear flesh with me, who'll spill their juice? Who'll gouge with me, whose candle will I fart out? Whoop! I'm ready!* So step aside, all you butt-lipped, neurotic, insecure bespectacled slabs o' wimp meat! I'm a Crime Fighting Master Criminal, I am Not Insane! I'm a screamer and a laugher, I make a *spectacle* of myself, I am a *sight*! My physical type *cannot* be classified by science, my `familiar' is a pterodactyl, I feed it dipshits! I communicate without *wires* or *strings*! I am a Thuggee, I am feared in the Tongs, I have the Evil Eye, I carry the Mojo Bag; I swam the *Bermuda Triangle* and didn't get wet! I circumcize dinosaurs with my teeth and make 'em leave a tip; I change tires with my *tongue* and my *tool*! Every night I hock up a lunger and extinguish the *Sun*! I'm the bigfooted devil of Level 14, who'll try to blow me down? I've packed the brownies of the gods, I leak the Plague from my nether parts, opiates are the *mass* of my religion, *I take drugs*! Yes, I'm a rip-snorter, I cram coca leaves right into my arm-veins before they're picked off the *tree*! *Space* monsters cringe at my tread! I wipe the *Pyramides* off my shoes before I enter *my* house. I'm *fuel-injected*, I'll live forever and remember it afterwords! I'm *immune*! I'm *radioactive*! Come *on* and give me cancer, I'll spit up the tumor and butter my *bread* with the juice! *I'm supernatural*, I bend *crowbars* with my meat ax and a thought! My droppings bore through the earth and erupt *volcanoes* in *China*! Yes, I can drink more wine and stay soberer than all the heathen *Hindoos* in Asia! YEEE HAW! *Gut Blowout*! I am a *Moray Eel*, I am a *Komodo Dragon*, I am the *Killer Whale bereft of its pup*! I have a triple backbone, I was sired by the Wolf Man, give me *all* your Slack! I told *Jesus* I wouldn't go to church and He *shook my hand*! I have my *own* personal saviors, I change 'em every hour, I don't give a fuck if there's life after death, I want to know if there's even any fucking *Slack* after death! I am a god damn *visionary*, I see the future and the past in comic books and wine bottles; I eat *black holes* for breakfast! I bend my genes and whittle my DNA with the sheer force of my mighty *will*! I steer my *own* god damn evolution! I ran 'em out of Heaven and sold it to Hell for a *profit*! I'm enlightened, I achieved `Nirvana' and took it *home* with me. *Yip, yip, YEEEEEEE!* I'm so ugly the Speed of Light can't slow me down and Gravity won't tug at my cuffs! When the Rapture comes, I'll make 'em wait! They'll *never* clean *my* cage! Now give me some more of..."
(Tape runs out.)