17 january 2019
i feel like a drone today. I work in a beige cube in a beige office. my idea of zen is looking at an uncluttered monitor. I attend conference calls i hate. I eat snacks to assuage my boredom. I don't want to go back to being poor and unable to help my friends, but damn sometimes I want my soul back. I said yessir to my boss the other day.
can i work in tech and have a soul?
16 january 2019
Someone save me from this 4 hour call about MAXIMIZING YOUR INVESTMENT IN SUPERCHATCORP
11 october 2018
I am so sick of cis people getting away with making "mistakes" surrounding transness and their interactions with trans people. We put up with shit every day and have to just accept the cis fucking up on a constant basis and "let people learn". fuck that. I'm sick of internalizing all the shit. It's killing us. Kindly just stop being terrible and don't expect a trans person to fucking coddle your whiny ass.
24 september 2018
People have been asking what happened to my mom and if everything is okay. I am going to discuss this openly and blatantly, and this is a tough subject, so beware.
Last week my mom attempted suicide. I don't know how to put it more gently. Come to find out that this is not the first time, and none of us are sure this will be the last time. I hadn't seen my mom in 7 years because moving to oregon and crushing poverty, so I have made my way driving for days to see her.
My mom had her first stroke when I was 9 years old. My youngest sister had just been born. My mom had a hole in her heart that allowed a blood clot to move through her body, and eventually to her brain. She made a full recovery, eventually even going to get her degree and work again. She had a second, more minor stroke later on. I barely remember a time when my mom wasn't sick in some capacity. Eventually her brain issues caught up with her and she had to stop working. We later found out this was a brain tumor. She has had 2 rounds of chemo and radiation and is currently in remission, but it will probably come back.
This has been hard on my family. My mom's erradic behavior means no one knows what to do for her and I am at a total loss. This trip is taxing on me financially, and I don't know what to do to fix any of this or what to do for my mom's health. I never want to abandon her. I just want to do what is right.
I appreciate the town's love and support. Bless you all.
03 may 2018
I want to just punch something today. not in a mad way. just in a way.
06 april 2018
A N X I O U S
20 march 2018
Today's feel is hopelessness.
I have utterly failed at higher education every time I have attempted it. I don't have credentials to back up that I know python.
I'm confident my neurodivergence means that I don't interview well at all, which would be my only saving grace.
I just feel like i'm never going to escape poverty. I'm gonna be like my family dying of heart disease young because of the constant stress of never having enough to feel comfortable.
13 february 2018
Goals for a new year (which rolls around on my birthday):
Read literally everything I can on prison abolition. It's an important topic
for me and I want to learn everything I can in order to help communities explore the idea further.
Continue to speculate on what progress can mean outside of capitalism. Can
we cooperate in ways that are better than what vast amounts of money and power can provide? Can we work outside of the constraints of government power?
Continue to build community. I have gained so many friends and cherished
people in the past year, and I think I'm literally alive because of that.
I love you.
03 november 2017
cw: suicide mention
last night, @firstname.lastname@example.org killed herself. this has been a hard year and i thought i could write out how i felt, but it's still too raw for me. i didn't know her all that well, but part of me felt she would always be in my timeline shitposting. i'm working today but i'm not holding up well.
22 july 2017
I'm really struggling, town. Content Note: suicide
Chester Bennington killed himself yesterday. Linkin Park got me through a lot of stuff when I was a kid. It was an outlet for a lot of anger and depression, and probably kept me from getting worse.
This news has hit me hard.
A lot harder than I expected.
I have been despondant and numb all day today. I've barely eaten but have no appetite. Suicidal thoughts are right there on the surface. I want to be okay, and maybe therapy this weekend will help with that.
Anyway, I love you, townies.
05 july 2017
Yesterday, my shift started at 6 am, today my shift starts at 3:30 am. I want to die.
11 june 2017
I feel horrendous today. like i have an emotional hangover from therapy.
i am glad i'm making curry and going out into nature tomorrow.
07 june 2017
Technology that doesnt care about people first and foremost is going to be oppressive.
People are important. More important than ability, skill, or anything. People are important regardless.
02 june 2017
honestly i'm not certain that things aren't just better off without me. what the fuck am i contributing anyway?
june is now empty.
26 may 2017
I don't think I would be surviving this job if I couldn't connect to tilde.town. It is the only thing that helps me fight the urge to just quit (that and the encouragement of my partner-friend).
I'm really hoping that I am able to get that other job, being able to pay bills would be life-saving.
In hopes of funding some of my passions, I've started a patreon. Maybe someone will be interested in funding my weird twitter bot art? Maybe I will then do more art? Who knows?
27 march 2017
I start working for support.com today. I am not all that excited about it, tbh. I don't like being part of the meatgrinder of the exploitative customer service racket.
But a paycheck is a paycheck. I will deal with this as opposed to not eating.
14 march 2017
I remember when I used to play this online nation simulation game nearly 10 years ago, and one of the parties was a weeaboo pseudo-fascist group. At the time, I thought nothing of it, but now looking back, I wonder how many of them are part of the alt-right movement. Their IRC channel was always full of horrendous shit hidden behind a guise of irony and with cute anime pics.
It's horrifying to think about how I never thought anything.
27 february 2017
While I can do many things will amazingly high, writing code is not one of them.
14 february 2017
I took a job offer with support.com. I feel icky but really need to have a remote job fast.
20 january 2017
I have too much to do today, but I'm so anxious over the new president.