my little home on the tildeverse, somewhere to put what i'm thinking. i want somewhere to throw my thoughts of my own making. i don't know how often this will be updated, but i do want to try to keep something here. we'll see. ☼
road train again [12/22/21 18:30 UTC-5]
i love two things right now. being on trains, and editing websites. i've just passed the better part of the past hour and a half overhauling most of this website. i needed a period of time to actually sit down and do this shit and i got that time right now. i feel alive. raw power coursing through my veins. i got to cross a decent number of things off my to-do list for the website, i don't think i effectively kept track though lol. i'll get there.
on my way home from a trip that was supposed to be for a concert that got canceled. it's a bizarre experience, i feel like i should be way more bummed than i am, but like, i'm doin okay. got to still hang out w the friend i originally made the trip for, and we got to go to lots of cool museums. in all fairness, due to covid it probably wouldn't have been a good idea to go to the show anyways, but i was truly excited and it probably won't ever happen again, so it's a bit of a bummer. whatever, dwell on the good part. i'm doing generally fine otherwise and i'm excited to have a while off for christmas and new years in a few days. life's alright. listening to abba right now, the world feels approachable.
a blog post, but not at night? what's happening here... [12/19/21 16:03 UTC-5]
due to the magic of laptops i am actually writing this post to you all from a train, how cool is that. now i don't really have much to write here. time for a bit of an update i suppose. i'm finished with school for the semester, which is a huge relief. i made it through with little fanfare, got everything in without much stress and made it home without even realizing it was actually the end of school. now here i am week out and it's just really registering. my winter break is incredibly fucking busy, and as such it doesn't truly feel like i've gotten to decompress from school yet. i got home and immediately got the worst cold of my life, as such the two days i had before i started working full time were a nightmare. but, i'm here, i'm home, i made it. my mental health's more stable than it's been in a bit, and we're gonna be okay.
i have things to look forward to now, that's keeping me going at the moment. but i can't help but look back at the year and think about all the things i lost. i started the year at one of the worst points i've ever been in in terms of mental health. i actively felt the friendships i held most dear slipping away from me, and the intense isolation of covid winter 1 really did a number on me. i felt detached from the entire world around me, and as i think i mentioned previously, i never really got closure on the previous period of my life. it's come to a distinct head this past year. it's been a period of change and growth i haven't really had in my life before. it always hits right about now. those evening times when i don't have much else to do but think. i've since recovered those friendships, and in some ways they seem stronger than ever. that being said, i don't know if i am. i'm learning to become self-sufficient in ways that i've never had to before, and there's some intense growing pains. this is the new normal for me at the moment. i'm progressively healing and growing from the damage that the fall of my freshman year did to me. we'll get there. i think that i see the light on the horizon, but it's points like this where it all feels uncertain. i'm sure all will be well eventually, but how long will it take, and will i have the strength to make it there. i need to start writing more letters. unevenly yours, arplo
haha. remember when it'd been a week.... yeah about that [12/06/21 20:10 UTC-5]
lol. whoops. it's been a bit longer than i intended. i'm going to blame that on finals. i've had a hell of a couple weeks, getting back into the swing of school and immediately having to start a full court press on all my finals work for this semester. luckily it's shaped up pretty well and i'm in a half decent place right now. i really only have three things left, only one of them requiring any significant amount of work. granted i have a full course load this semester, i'm not mad at that. i'll make it work. i just need to keep plugging on this one project i've hit a wall on. the one thing that really sucks about art school, you can't really just research or "try harder". at the end of the day i do really have to pull this zine out of my ass. it'll work out i just need to get over this hump lol.
i write this while literally standing in the studio during my last radio show of the year. i'm doing a top of the year show. tracklist can be found here, in no particular order. lots of great music this year. i did hit my goal of 500 new albums listened to this year! that's really exciting! i'm proud of myself and never want to replicate it, it got rather tiring after a certain point, and made listening to music a stressful thing at points. i don't like that. as with a lot of things in my life right now, i'm going to try to slow down and focus more on the doing of individual things. as such. i'm going to try to listen to substantially less music, but slow down, listen to each thing multiple times, and practice effectively reviewing music. i want to get more out of my music and focus less on just listening to it, yknow?
it's a weird time in my life at the moment. i'm probably not going to go into a whole lot of detail here as i am working on not oversharing on the internet, even in this semi-private space. but i've been feeling like i'm in a constant state of transition (one of my least favorite ways of being) for the past 2 years or so now. i've been able to suppress it for most of the past 6-8 months, but it's rearing it's ugly head again in the face of poorly aligned schedules over winter break and intense work commitments. high school was a comforting time for me, and up to this point, i've never really gotten proper closure on that era in my life. it's led to a deep-seated instability that's yet to resolve. i'm, in a more logistical sense, drifting away from my friends from high school. that's terrifying to me. because those people are some of the most important people in my life. i know that i will move on eventually, i know that i did not peak in high school, and i know that the good times will come again eventually. that being said. it really, really sucks right now and i'm struggling to make it through it in any real way. i'll get there, i'm just going to have to power through at the minute and make this work for me. i'm working on it and i think that a heavier workload next semester will make it better. work the pain away, and hopefully get medicated. i have to remind myself that those people still care about me sometimes. it's really hard.
sorry for the lack of updates as of late. school's hit really hard, and i've just found that i have less to write about at the moment. i still have plans for this website, and i still want to follow through, but logistically it's very hard right now. hopefully i'll get some time on this upcoming break...... hopefully. for now though, this is all i have. if you made it this far. thank you for reading. i appreciate you.
woah boy it's been nearly a week [11/21/21 22:44 UTC-5]
it's a weird place rn. i'm off of school right now! yay! i have all the time in the world! this fucking sucks! i have a lot of time and somehow still am forgetting to do what little homework i DO have. nightmare. anyways. i'm working on a bunch o' thing, there's a redesigned homepage in the works, i'm working on some of the things in my list of things to do with this site. but i'm tryin to enjoy my time at home, it's a hard balance to strike. i need to go to sleep very soon, or i'm gonna be in rough shape tomorrow, lots to get to soon enough. sorry for the lack of updates. i need to make more lists. goodnight, until next time.
arplo's place v2.1 (or so) [11/15/21 23:39 UTC-5]
this is gonna be a shorter one, i'm incredibly tired and really need to go to sleep, but i've started a new page for lists. a place for me to keep track of all the things that i've said to others that i want to add at some point soon. i'll get to them, maybe, at some point. not much to write about other than that, i'm so fucking tired. going to sleep now. until next time. oh also i'm a part of the tilde town ring now :), need to work on styling that box more better. yeah. zzz.
it's a little all over the place [11/14/21 22:41]
it's a little all ove the place but i think we're doing okay. i'm doing cool art again and we're chilling. don't have much to say i don't think. only a week left until i'm home. lots of questions all over the place. we'll see. i'm feeling, okay. all over the place at this exact moment. but stuff's good coming up. i think. almost home. almost to the mountains. almost back to hiking and the cold and the snow. yeah. :-). need to start putting stuff up here. i should make a linkroll of some sort. i just need to learn how to do tagging. i will look into it. are.na is working quite well for right now but i think it'd be very cool to do it another way. anyways. until next time i'm happy, we should be able to make it. manic sundays? manic sundays i suppose. toodles.
questioning, crafting. [11/11/21 23:45 UTC-5]
i'm questioning seriously everything right now. some people said some shitty things to me about gender identity, whatever, i'll get over it. but that's the first time that's happened to me and it kind of really hurts. whatever. whatever. i'm feeling unstable again, very close to changing my major, i'm sincerely unsure of how much longer i can continue in the program i'm currently in for my own sanity about post-college life. quickly going downhill. i'm excited to get outside tomorrow but not excited about the prospect of having to do anything else or exist for another week before going home. christ. i'll make it but good lord what else will it take.
hermit era [11/10/21 23:44 UTC-5]
well this should be an interesting next little bit. isolating myself due to a covid exposure, the chances that i actually have it are next to none, but, i'm playing it safe, just in case. it's really unfortunate though, and my anxiety is high. i really have nothing to do with my time as it is but now that i don't even have the CHOICE not to do anything. i'm in shambles. spirits are high right now though, i think i'll be okay. i'll go walk and shoot a roll of film tomorrow or friday or something. it should be rather beautiful here, and i haven't taken my medium format out in a bit. i just finished the killing of a scared deer, absolutely insane movie. i found it because a professor of mine showed the KILLER poster in class the other day. it did not disappoint. we're doing okay right now, i'm listening to a lot of the mountain goats for the first time, i have an essay to write tomorrow morning. we'll make it. shorter post tonight i'm tired and have to be up earlier. we'll make it. until then.
accomplishment! [11/08/21 22:21 UTC-5 (but for real this time)]
holy shit, i did it! i wrote a shell script! if all goes to plan, i should be able to sync this file from my local machine to the town with a single terminal command, i feel so fancy. PLUS i'm editing in webstorm again, thank god. i have a lot of love for cli programs and terminal text editors but good lord i am not good enough at them yet to use them full time. i'm claiming that i'm doing this because it's less intense on the town's resources but it's really because i can't fucking use nano to save my life. i'm needy, sue me. i autocomplete and automatic closing tags are comforting, let me have this. today was all over the place. writing fucking sucks writing code and doing art is so much more fun. i'll get there, i have like 4 weeks left of this shit and i can move ON! honestly, i'm just really tired, i'm going to go to sleep now, and reward myself for grinding hard as hell today by doing NO work tomorrow. i'm sure i won't regret this! i want to spend some more time on the town soon, mainly on putting my website together more. adding more pages, making more fun stuff, learning more. i love it here :). shoutout m455 for real. until soon.
time and time again [11/07/21 22:36 UTC-5?]
look. i don't know. it's one of those days and i don't think it's going to get any better. i feel more alone than typical and it's no fun. i had a pretty beautiful conversation with a good friend today about the nature of identity. i'm slowly coming to the conclusion that i don't think any of the identities that i hold are compatible with what i'm setting myself up to do. i'm in my head about it right now, but i'm researching crafts programs at the minute. something that would allow me to not have to be in a city for any period of time or sell my soul to continue doing anything creative. i wish this was easier. i don't want to switch programs completely but by god i'm considering it. i should really just go to sleep. nothing else productive is happening tonight and i know that it's just gonna get worse as i go. i don't really know what's causing this. i guess it's just the constant questioning of why i'm here. why i'm spending the money to do something in school that's setting me up for complete failure later in life. i know i'm good at it, i get told that on a regular basis, i just fucking hate it. it's scary. did i make a mistake? probably. we'll have to see. we'll see how classes for next semester shape up. in all likihood it'll be a total fucking disaster and we'll have to deal with that then. ugh. things to look forward to but it's hard to see the point right now. i wish i could be self sustainable and didn't decide to go into an art program like the helpless fucking computer nerd i am. and i'm not even that good at that. granted i'm still editing shit on nano. i'll get there. soon. i've been saying that for too long now. i'm still not any closer. the script i was basing my shitty ass rsync script off of got deleted before i made a copy of it anywhere. i should just ask him for it i know he'd give it to me. i'm just going to think myself into a hole further so i should likely go to sleep. lots to do tomorrow that i absolutely do not have the time for. lovely.
it's been a second [11/06/21 23:08 UTC-5]
i have had a hectic couple days. it doesn't let up right now, but in a largely good way. i'm stil trying to update here consistently, i likely still will. i figure it's going to play into this next project i have for one of my studios. there's something beautiful coming up with that i'm pretty sure. i'll have some time at some point soon, hopefully. i'll be home for a week without any real homework. it's gonna be real tilde.town hours at that point. i promise. maybe. anyways, i need to go to sleep and in lieu of being able to write down any real thoughts at this point, i'll leave you with this freewrite/manifesto i threw down earlier today. it's nonsense, enjoy. untill next time, arplo.
i generally consider myself someone very full of love. i enjoy showing other people that i care about them. there’s something about giving that makes me so content. i think that’s a fairly common throughline in my life. i’m always the one to step up to the plate and help out if it’s needed. i want to always try to be there for people. etc etc. the list goes on. i feel bad asking for help. those things are almost definitely related. i feel like there’s a lot more to unpack there, but i’m not going to do that right now. i think that there’s an incentive in our society for people to take the role that i often do. don’t be weak. don’t be greedy. don’t take more than you deserve. give as much as you can. to others. to your families. to your friends. to your bosses. to the economy. to “the country”. and to other meaningless and nationalistic causes. of course, there’s a weird impossibility there. if we’re all conditioned to give, who’s receiving? plus, there’s the larger question that i come to about what we’re actually giving to begin with? is it money? is it time? is it care? it’s likely all of those are more. i feel like i’m just repeating things that all of us know. i’m just putting words to these thoughts that i have on a daily basis. i don’t analyze this stuff very often, but once i get on the right track the spout of questions flows forth freely. questions about our system, capitalism, the government, the political system, capitalism again, you get the idea. but mainly, it’s about how me and my friends and my communities fit into those systems. that’s a complicated question and one that in all honestly, brings me a lot of fucking anxiety. what will be out place in the world as these systems collapse around us, as we are actively seeing them do? i think the idea of community springs forth here. recently, i’ve been thinking a lot about how we can build these small resilient communities outside the traditional confines of capitalism. whatever those spaces may be. the metaphor that laurel schwulst brings up in her essay about websites comes to mind for me. visualizing the relentless surge of capitalism as just that, it’s a river. i want to make spaces off of that. whether it’s a small house with a dock to step off at and sit in for a while. resting your weary body after what might have been maybe years of paddling. there’s this word that escapes me here. maybe you will be able to come up with it for me. it’s the name for a small space that has formed off the side of a river, a small pool off the main flow of the river in which the water may just sit for a while. it’s out of the direct flow of the river, but it is doubtlessly still influenced by it. the word i want to use is eddy, but i know for a fact that that’s not right. but the sentiment is there. creating those spaces for myself and others. places where i can truly feel like i’m relating to people. these are irl and digital spaces. community is one of the strongest tools that we have. i don’t even really know where this is going, it’s turned into a bit of a manifesto of sorts. a hope for the future. i possible framework for future endeavors. space as community. holding and creating. offsetting. love inherent. spaces in which true care is possible. i have a shifting house next to the relentless river of the world. i hope you will join me there.
you win some more you lose some more [11/02/21 22:43 UTC-5]
today was a better day. like a way better day. don't really know what to blame it on but i'm happy regardless. he's feeling better, i'm feeling better, life goes on. got a lot done today and not at all. there's a lot going through my head right now, we're doing quite well i think. big meeting tomorrow that i really, really hope goes well. it should. i have my own tarot deck now that's incredibly exciting. working on myself right now. we're going to try to continue with that. i have GOT to get this script going to sync local files to the town i HATE editing in nano good lord. plus, it sounds like getting the actual editing off of the town's server is better for it. i'll do that soon. when i have the time and the motivation and the bravery to ask for help. i'm making very good progress on my albums for this year, i don't want to get too optimistic but i think the 500 by the end of the year may actually be viable. i have lots of plans of how to make this website better that i just have not had the chance to crystalize. i will soon. i promise. there's a lot of things that i want to do but that i'm struglling to find the time to do. i'll get there, probably. anyways i just finished my third fucking bladee album of the day and i am going to SLEEP! until, whenver i make a next post. i won't try to lie to myself and say it'll be tomorrow, because it probably won't be. anyways, toodles.
you win some you lose some [10/31/21 23:32 UTC-5]
on the plus side. i made it through a weekend of social engagements and didn't entirely combust. that's cool. i guess i can do that sometimes. but on the flipside, something bad happened to a good friend of mine, he's struggling, and i don't really know why it's hitting me as hard as it is. he's his own man, i'm my own, something. we'll make it through this. there's only so much i can do but i'm sometimes struggling to remind myself of that fact. he'll come to me when he needs it, it's not my needs on the forefront right now. i just want him to be okay, and i know that'll come, eventually. ugh. i have english homework to do. i wanted to do it today but got far, far too anxious about all this other stuff. whatver. made a few bucks, got a cool shirt. we'll get back to normal at some point. just keep trudgin along, it's gonna be okay, eventually. just sleep now, tomorrow's a new day, don't let this completely tear you apart. it's not good for your health. of course i couldn't have a break this weekend, i never get a break, it never ends. just don't think about it that way or it's going to spiral into somthing much, much worse. go sleep now, please, for your own sake.
i smell so bad [10/29/21 23:45 UTC-5]
just got back from my first real concert since the beginning of the pandemic, i had an absolutely amazing time. it was the best mosh pit i've ever been in too, i actually felt safe and had so much fun. need to get my glasses tightened and find a better way to carry my coat. for privacy's sake i won't say which band it was, at least right now. but they were really good live, i promise. need to take a shower now, direly. sleepy now. i will be okay tomorrow, getting over the disappointment of something i direly need getting canceled and rescheduled. i'll make it to next week. until tomorrow. i'm so tired. excited to actually try to get a script going to sync files from my local machine to the town, editing in nano kinda sucks.i'll get there, i got really distracted today. anyways, much love.
tired, at the end of my rope [10/29/21 00:12 UTC-5]
my mind's going at a mile a minute. i figured a lot of stuff out today and today went largely well, but i'm worried about myself. i think i should just go to sleep. i just watched american psycho for the first time. loved it and hated it. hope it doesn't effect my dreams too much. anyways. until tomorrow, i'll actually figure out how rsync works i promise.
good day full day [10/27/21 23:14 UTC-5]
i'm getting super distracted trying to write this, i already took my melatonin and i'm nearing bed. i'm going to keep this short. i'm doing well today, i had a lot of good interactions, a lot of good thinking, i think i'm in a really exciting place. excited for class tomorrow. listening to good music. feeling good. happy tonight. thinking about web art. hm. anyways. until tomorrow. i have a lot of english homework and not a lot of time. all will be well. until tomorrow
nearing sleep [10/26/21 23:32 UTC-5]
i don't really have much in me right now, very tired. it's been a long, but very good day. i talked for a long while this afternoon with someone who cares a lot about the same things that i do, but who was much better at expressing them. if you haven't ever experienced such a thing, it's quite magical. i could feel myself learning as i talked. by extension, i think that i have found a niche for myself in my art that i wasn't able to articulate before. handmade objects, but also little nooks and crannies for myself off the beaten path. handmade objects but also handmade spaces. idk, there's a lot to unpack there, but what i think i'm saying is that i feel at home here. in this website, this container, this space, this (as laurel schwulst might say) room, i feel at home. i feel comfortable. i've been here for only a few days but i know that i've found something incredibly special. thinking a lot about the commercialization of the web and how much that disgusts me. the palpable feeling of loss and grief that i experience when thinking about the was the web has changed in my time on it. i'm mad about that. i'm sad. and i want to do things that run counter to that. independent social medias. independent communities. i think i've found that here on the town, and i'm so excited about that. i want to include more people. i'm in love with the idea of community. the internet feels like home, but only when i can create that home for myself. i'd like to get better at coming up with creative domain names one day. we'll get there. for now, i'll sleep.
good. [10/25/21 23:54 UTC-5]
as of tonight, this website now actually has a homepage. it saves you from having to read all of my dumping as the introduction to my website. i think there many be some stuff finicky with it still, so bear with me as i figure that out. i think my next to-do item is to make some lists here. i know that there's a cli program on the town for it already, but i want something visual. also i feel like there's something cool about that. i've been thinking a lot about the handmade nature of websites like this one. there's something so beautiful to me about it. the care that goes into creating a handmade object feels different than other sorts of projects. when using a website builder you're really just dropping the content of the website into a premade frame. that's useful for some projects, when you just need to get something up and out there. but for other things, building it completely from scratch brings an entirely different feel to the whole thing. i put care into every aspect of this website. it's imbued with love and life. the same sort of things apply to other, more physical handcrafts. i'm thinking books, pottery, fiber arts, etc etc. the list goes on. i love all of them. you have to put so much more thought into it. there's something special about it. i still think about dropping everything i have going right now and just trying to perfect a craft. likely pottery. get good enough at that to sustain myself and then just move to some remote area and keep to myself for a while. i don't want the interaction and "networking" or whatever that comes with a professional career in graphic design. we'll see where i go. i still may become a craft artist yet. well. i'm full of love. and ascii art. life's good. i hope yours is too. goodnight my friend. sleep well.
nightblogging [10/24/21 23:25 UTC-5]
you know what, it's been a pretty damn decent day. i've been reminded of the number of people that care about me here, it's kind of a relief. i've been listening to nu-disco all night as well, that's definitely helped. it feels good to feel okay again. i'm not beating up on myself the way i've done recently. that feels good. i'm trying to feel normal again, i'm getting there. it's going to be a stressful week here. working on a lot of web projects that i hope to get fully up and running soon. i don't even really have that much to say right now. it just feels good. trying not to get too ahead of myself with anything here. feeling: positive. listening to: simulation - róisín murphy. i'm pretty sure it's all going to be okay. i've got to figure out how images work on here. i want my lil wizard gif back. will have to ask tomorrow.
first post in my new home! [10/23/21 23:16 UTC-5]
i made it! i'm here! tilde.town homestead acquired. it's been absolutely awesome learning my way around, using the command line, meeting people. i can already tell i'm going to love it here. i've been feeling quite a bit better these last couple days. being more gentle with myself and realizing that i don't have to be social all the time. it's a learning curve. less than a month till i get to go home now, i'm super excited for that. trying to enjoy what time i have left, not just losing it all to focusing on what's to come. doing alright now, putting some stuff in place to make sure that stuff doesn't get too bad again. trying to be more conscious. all will be well, i will be okay. side note: i'm editing this website entirely in NANO now, as opposed to WebStorm, which is what i was using previously. so, expect a lot more grammatical errors, and if this site completely breaks for a period of time, it's totally my fault, and no, i probably don't know how to fix it. i'm still getting used to this. having an absolute blast though. i still have lots of plans on how to make this website even better, going to add an actual homepage at some point, and not have the weblog be the main page of this. i want to add to-do lists, links to some of my other projects, yada-yada-yada. i'll get there. i'll also get way more used to this interface, christ. anyways. godspeed. goodnight. much love. WOO!
live laugh love [10/22/21 00:01 UTC-5]
i guess it does get better. i put myself back together today and managed to make it out the other side mostly unscathed. feeling far better today, i managed to respond to messages and everything! i'm starting to feel more normal again and that's been kind of amazing. we'll get back on track soon i know it. i have a lot of plans for this website that i want to put into action in the next few days or so. i'd like to make a more formal home page. put some links, maybe another photo or two, get some blinkies, you know. classic web stuff. i'd like to start just throwing together a bunch more simple pages. i feel like i constantly am coming up with these running lists or logs i want to keep. i'm going to start doing that i think. i have this page now, i can put a bunch of stuff up super easily, why not do that, right? i'm going to start writing this stuff down tomorrow, so it doesn't end up falling into the same pile as all the other millions of things that swore i "meant" to do but didn't. for now, let lcd soundsystem play me to sleep. until tomorrow. love.
running on empty [10/20/21 22:00 UTC-5
i don't have much in me tonight, so there's not gonna be a lot here. it was another bad day, i feel like i'm in a dark fog right now that i'm struggling to escape. i know i'll make it but sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. especially with the amount of barriers that i seem to be encountering along the way. tomorrow's another day. you'll make it. don't think too far ahead you'll make yourself anxious. until tomorrow.
calm after the storm [10/19/21] 11:17 UTC-5]
it's a better day today. i'm on the other side of whatever the hell that was and able to think clearly again. a combination of lots of things just came together sunday night and yesterday and sent me into a spiral that i struggled to pull myself out of. i feel really bad about it, but i'm able to be a little more gentle with myself. i also just want to chill tf out. i think if i'm able to catch this stuff before it starts i may be able to deal with it in a more constructive way. lessons learned. this was the worst it had gotten in a while so i'm glad i'm passed that now. please disregard the previous two posts. i was being a whiny lil bitch and i even knew it at the time. i just needed somewhere to spew all the negative feelings, and i didn't want to subject any of my friends to that. as such. i put them here. i'm not entirely happy with that decision, but i don't think it's quite right to remove them. i'll leave them up for now, but will probably try in the future to not put stuff here. we'll see if i keep to that. i do like the idea of this being an honest journal of sorts, but i don't know if i'm quite comfortable putting ALL of that out there quite yet. anyways, i want to make sure i have a good productive day today, this will be a shorter post, i may be back later. i've got things to do, places to be, people to not talk to, meals to cook, etc etc. i'll make it happen. working on it.
some days the hits just don't stop coming [10/18/21 11:35 UTC-5]
it's been another tough one already today, woke up feeling better, but then immediately read some messages that sent me right back into it. i know i'm just reinforcing the bad stuff here but i genuinely feel so useless and helpless right now. i'm boring, and i think there's maybe 1 person total that actually likes me and aren't just being nice because they feel trapped in some sort of relationship with me. i came to my classroom this morning even though class was canceled figuring i'd be able to hang out with at least a couple of my classmates, but i've just ended up sitting in a room by myself for nearly 3 hours. unsurprisingly, this has not done wonders for my mental health. i'm feeling horrible but haven't gotten it in me yet to get up and leave. i think i will soon, i hope i will soon. i have about 8 dms from people sitting in my discord right now that i can't bring myself to answer. i know the chances of people reading this here are low, but know that while i am not okay right now, i probably will be, and i feel like i'm not in any immediate danger. i'll figure it out, i just can't really respond to anybody right now. i hate being like this. but there's no real end in sight for me at the moment. i would just like to go home. i don't like it here anymore, i don't know how much longer i can do this.
it's going to be an early one [10/17/21 21:22 UTC-5]
for as decent of a day as i've supposedly had, i feel rather terrible right now. i feel like such a failure some nights. i know deep down, in theory, that i'm not. but on a surface level the difficulty that i have socializing, and the guilt that i have associated with that, really fucking sucks. i spiral, thinking about how clinically un-fucking-cool i am. i'm so boring, i'm scared of everything and some days i don't even have it in me to leave my apartment. i'm an embarrassment. every time someone asks me if i want to come to some sort of social event i can barely get out an answer, i'm so pathetic. i'm so debilitatingly introverted it's embarrassing. i guess i may just be in a hole of my own creation at the moment but it doesn't particularly seem like it's worth going much further with this. i wish i was better at this, but i know i'll never be. such is life, and such is my brain. why am i scared by this stuff, and why does it hurt so badly when i see others talking about it. i'm envious of something i never would evne want in the first place??? what the hell is wrong with me. i'm going to sleep now. waking up early and maybe going to the gym, i don't know. i hate it here. i want to go home. i want to die. why am i so fragile. goodnight.
hm. [10/17/21 00:02 UTC+5]
it's been a weird night, i'm not exactly sure if it's a good one or a bad one. time will tell. i have an incredibly busy day tomorrow and far too much to do around the edges. i'm a little bit anxious about making it all happen, but i know that i'll probably be totally fine. this is going to be a shorter one, i have to be up early tomorrow and i really do not have any time to fuck around and not be productive. hopefully it'll be a good one but only time will tell. i'm excited for my radio show, tomorrow we will see if we can actually pull it off. i'm optimistic. am i also optimistic about finishing my website, doing my idpol reading, finding and reading an academic article, and then writing a summary of that article, all by monday night? not particularly. it might be a rough one. we'll make it, i hope i can still go to the gym tomorrow. it'd feel bad if i failed that early. but it's okay. it's okay to take a day off if you literally do not have the time. just sub in another day at some point. you'll be just fine. go sleep well, you'll be okay tomorrow.
you know what? [10/16/21 00:04 UTC-5]
i had an absolutely wonderful day today. sometimes i get anxious when just a few too many things go right. but not today! i checked a whole bunch of things off my list, and they all went quite well. a lot of things lifted off my shoulders for real. woke up feeling terrible and still made it to the gym, a glorious feeling. funny how i was in a fair bit of pain but going to work out and theoretically putting more strain on my body made it better? anyways my back feels almost totally fine, sick. i'm having an absolutely amazing time of things lately. i struck gold with getting my hair cut today, and my halloween costume is really coming together. just feeling happy with how i look and feel right now. last night was a fluke i know there are good things coming. don't cop out on the radio show again this week lol. instrumental hip hop should be fairly easy, you have a lot to pull from. get started on that tomorrow, sunday's gonna be busy. woo! positive feelings! going to go try on my whole halloween costume rn and feel very good about myself for a little bit before i go to sleep. like really full of love rn. until tomorrow. may i carry this forward.
existential fomo [10/14/21 23:32 UTC-5]
here i am, getting ready for bed at 11pm on a thursday night feeling left out of things that i'd never even want to be involved in anyways. i'm thinking myself into a loop here. i said no to a social event that i was fully capable of going to, willing to go to, and probably would have enjoyed going to. whatever. it's whatever. i feel bad. but that will pass. i had a half decent night anyways. this is all very hard for me still. i hate large groups and i hate social events. i wish that that would change but i kind of doubt it ever will. i'm really just not that kind of person i guess. is it my loss? probably. i figure i'm always going to have a hard time meeting people whose paths i don't cross accidentally. what does that mean for me later in life? am i forever going to be a wanderer through life hoping that the right people cross my path? i'm sort of the type to leave things like this up to luck, i know that's not the best way to go about things but it's worked out half decently for me so far. how long will i be able to continue to coast that way. this is definitely my least favorite part about myself, the part i most wish to change. but it's also definitely the part that will be the hardest to change. but at the same time, it very rarely bothers me. i only feel bad in the wake of social events that i also know i would not enjoy in the first place. maybe that's the part i should work on? i'm just kind of mad at myself in this whole situation. i'm mad that i'm feeling bad. i'm mad that i'm not content here even though i'm doing so well. i'm mad that i'm not meeting my own made up standards. i feel bad because i feel like i should be doing more. whatever i guess. it'll pass, i'm going to bed, i have a lot of things i'm going to do tomorrow to make sure i don't think too hard. i wish things felt better in this moment. but i know i'll move past this and onto something better. once again reminding myself that i have a lot to look forward to. it's very much a bummer that i won't get to spend as much time at home as i'd like, but i don't want to start thinking about that now. i'd rather enjoy what time i have left in this semester, kick ass, do well, be happy, and enjoy that time at home as much as i can. i'm already mentally counting down the days but i'd like to try not to do that. i feel like that'll get me into a mindset that's just going to ruin the rest of my days here this semester. don't do that. don't. tonight is the first bad night in about a week, i'm thinking myself into a hole, i really should just go to sleep. i know that does me better. until tomorrow, better thoughts.
working on it [10/14/21 12:50 UTC-5]
it's been a good day so far today. i was able to wake up on time, work on some homework, get enough done that i can feel okay goofing off for the rest of the day. might fuck around and take some time to myself, wild. just met with one of my old professors and it was absolutely lovely. weird to think about the fact that there are people on this campus that care about me. i still feel an intense sense of otherness here, and i get so tired going about my day-to-day tasks that i often get too tired to go about the arduous task of social interaction. it doesn't feel nearly as isolating as it has in the past, but there's something that feels uncomfortable about it still. thinking a lot about this unreal piece of writing that i read a little bit ago, it happened to be a review of wilco's yankee hotel foxtrot that absolutely blew me away. the way that it described the intense fatigue of social interaction, and the simultaneous distaste and deep yearning for it resonated so deeply with me and my experiences in college up until this point. i think that i've gotten more and more comfortable here but there's a deep-seated uneasiness that still hasn't left. i'm optimistic, but it's interesting how my attitudes on this have changed. i don't feel the intense need to go out and meet new people this year. it's nice. it's significantly less stressful i say that. but i do have this constant, vague fear that i'm missing out on things. i assume that will pass with time, but for now it's kind of underpinning everything i do and do not do. i'm making it. i'm still doing fine. i don't want to overthink myself out of that. i 'm curious to see how this moves forward. gender feels good, art feels good, english feels bad. looking forward to being home. i'll have deeper thoughts later. toodles :)
deep contentment [10/14/21 00:03 UTC-5]
today was a day of solid feelings. started off a bit rough, and the afternoon was tough, but i made it to the gym still and then kicked ass on homework tonight. sometimes just the night has to be good to make the whole day feel good i think. i'm feeling more and more content with gender stuff, i'm not overthinking it anymore, i'm just happy with it and continually rolling it around in my head to see how i feel with it. verdict: i feel good :). had a very interesting and extensive conversation about all this last night with someone. words are not just a box you put yourself in but can also be the exact antithesis to that. it's freeing to be able to choose words that mean anything and everything. it's so good. it's why i use queer, and it's now why i've figured out that they/them is where i want to stick for a while. i'm very happy with that. i got a lot of things done today which also made me very happy. i'm hoping this foot pain doesn't get any worse, it's decidedly no fun, and also seems like it could be something actually serious. i'm going to pretend it's not for now. i listened to music today, i updated my list today, having a great time with that. i'm thinking of sufjan stevens and coming home soon. could not be more excited about that. the trees and the snow will bring me peace i know it. i know they will hold me close and i am excited about that. i'm getting stuff done! it's exciting! i just have to keep this up. get more gum my friend, you know it helps you. feeling: tired. sleepy time. until tomorrow.
overthinking, underthinking [10/12/21 13:15 UTC-5]
nights are weird for me. i've come to discover over the past couple years that my brain and emotions get hyperactive right before i go to sleep. when i get tired my brain tends to kick into overdrive, over-analyzing every potential slight or issue in my relationships. same thing has happened here. last night was very strange. i started trying to convince myself that the things that i am currently feeling re: pronouns and gender weren't real. there's a part of me that's still trying to convince myself about that. i think the fact that i'm going through this all so quickly makes me feel like i'm faking it. i don't know. a friend of mine said last night that "go at your own pace doesn't just me go slowly". that's resonating with me in this moment and i'm trying to remember it. i don't think there's any way to fake the happy tears that i was crying over this yesterday. i'm going to sit with this for a while more before talking to more people about it. i'm questioning stuff but i'm still like. Sure about this. in a weird place about this right now, i'm assuming stuff will work itself out in the coming days. hopefully.
but for right now we're chillin. i'm feeling better than i have in a very long time, i have a new pair of overalls, and i'm working on a lot of projects that make me very happy. i'm listening to a lot of music and need to update my list. it's a weird time. i will make it through this i'm sure. i'm just happy that i have the people around me that i do. the one person i would like to talk to me more still isn't doing that but i think it's going to be okay. i know he's busy and i know he cares. it's just a different kind of relationship. that's okay. we seem in a good place. i think i'm in a good place. i'll be home before i know it and i think that i'm in a better place than i have been in a very long time. there's something incredibly liberating about that. i'm going to the gym, i'm working on my mental health, i'm doing GOOD! i want to shoot more film, i just don't often find myself having the time. i have that roll of ilford 400 just sitting in my C3 that i've literally not touched. you should do something about that. go take a walk, or just shoot within the dorm or something. get some shots out. i'll do that this week i think. there's a lot of things i'd like to get done. i'll get there. i will shoot some film this week and i want to catch up on my listened to. i'll do that. i promise. i called someone i really needed to this morning, it didn't get me anywhere but at least i did it. i need to find somewhere to get my hair cut. it's quickly becoming unmanagable. that's a scary prospect but i think i'll do something about it soon.
much to think about but also much to love, eric ☼
head full many thoughts but in a good way [10/11/21 17:32 UTC-5]
so i had a bit of a moment last night. i definitely didn't realize that writing my own personal website would be such a watershed moment for me in my personal life. something clicked and i realized a whole lot of things about gender last night. it's been hard to parse through all of them in full. lots that is hard to verbalize and many connections to past moments in my life that i didn't realize existed are happening right now. the gist of it is, i think i'm going to try to use they/them pronouns for a while here. it feels beautiful and liberating leaving my mouth, which i think is a good sign. the way it feels when someone else uses them for me, in the limited times that it's happened so far have felt amazing. i think that's a good sign, probably. i had a lot of preconceived notions of what i was "supposed" to feel to try out different pronouns. but fuck all that i guess. this is something that i'm going to continue to process a Lot over the coming days, and probably week and probably months and probably years. i think one of the things that i've struggled with most through this. well, actually, i don't want to call it a struggle. i haven't struggled. i think there's just a couple things that confuse me still. my idealized form of self is definitely traditionally masculine, and i don't think i'll ever change my presentation. i'm proud of what i've done with this body and i don't think that will change. at least for right now. but i've come to realize in a very short period of time. i have a lot to gush about this right now, i'll get there. i am very happy. thinking about this makes me very happy. the idea of using they/them makes me very happy. i love this a lot. i am full of joy. there's so much more i could write here but i have to go eat dinner momentarily. time to go change my about me page.
tired, full. [10/10/21 22:16 UTC-5]
i already wrote a marathon today, so i don't feel the need to write another 500 word diatribe tonight. i've already come to enjoy the allure of this project more than all of the rest of my other work. it's so much more entertaining to sit here and be introspective and creative than to read academic articles or some other bullshit. there's something calming and almost meditative about it. 'tis the nature of coding i think. i'm uneasy right now, there's a lot of turbulence in my life right now, and i'm not quite sure how it's going to go. relationships are shifting and as always, that makes me incredibly uncomfortable and scared. more than anything i'm definitely scared. probably my illogical anxiety ridden brain speaking. but i can't help but think that stuff's slipping away from me at the moment. people haven't texted me back, i feel like i'm kind of stagnating. i would really like to be home right now. it will come soon enough. we are going to be okay, dj sabrina and i will get through this together. there's some people i just wish would talk to me more. but i know that will never happen. you'll find someone to fill that hole eventually. i just need to go to sleep i think. until tomorrow. much to look forward to. remember that.
the next day [10/10/21 11:58 UTC-5]
last night was a marathon. i tend to get sucked into these kinds of projects, which is usually a fun thing. but i dont' want to burn myself out on this one. tired today as i stayed up far too late working on putting this all together. but the result is something that i'm quite proud of in this moment. there's an unparallelled high for me in actually publishing a website. like goddamn, it's THERE? it's on the INTERNET? typing something into an address bar and having it actually show up is kind of nuts not going to lie. it's cool as hell. i actually got the site online today, courtesy of surge.sh i don't want to be a shill or anything but i vastly prefer this over having to make yet another github account to exploit pages. i think this one loads slower, but whatever. i'll probably attach a custom domain to this at some point, when i actually come up with a good enough idea for one. choosing a domain name is always my least favorite part of the project because i feel like i'm terrible at it. but the cool thing with this project is that i'm no longer under any sort of time pressure. i can take my leisurely time in choosing a special domain. and who knows, this website may move to a different home at some point, we'll see when we get there. i have a lot of homework to get through today so i will have to avoid the urge to come back to this website, it still has the glorious shiny nature of new things on it. i hope it stays that way. i enjoy this a lot so far. i'm generally happy with how this looks right now, but as i continue my eternal battle with webfonts it may change at some point. laurel schwulst said it best: my website is a shifting house next to a river of knowledge. it'll change when it changes. i have so many dreams for this little website. we'll see how much ever comes to fruition. that's all for now, i'll probably be back later today with some sort of rant, we'll see. eric ☼
PS: the footer at the bottom of the page is a compilation of my favorite entries on the absolutely glorious good sign-offs are.na board. i found this thing and fell in love. i have pulled a collection of my favorites, but will grow as i continue to go through that list. stay floppy.
hopefully, a start [10/09/21 23:00 UTC-5]
i've been thinking a lot about the internet lately. i keep feeling this intense "otherness" every time i visit any normal site. it's all very overwhelming sometimes. it's probably the whole anti-capitalist thing but there's something actively hostile to me about the rest of the internet. the concept of the handmade is beautiful to me. i wish i was more proficient in crafts. in a weird way, that's what i want this to be. something handmade i can actually call my own. i do have lots of handmade things here around me at home, but none of them feel truly mine. they're all made for school projects, for other people, for some purpose. but none of these items are simply made for the sake of it. i think that's what i want this to be. it's a website truly for me, something that exists simply to be. it's a project that i can return to whenever, it will just live here for eternity. i know nobody will visit this site, but that doesn't matter to me. i'm putting something out there for me and me alone. part exercise in web design (part of me still yearns for that computer science degree, i compensate for this by piecing together shitty code knowledge wherever i can), part art project, part meditation. i don't know where this will take me. hopefully i don't forget about it in a week. i'll pin something to my desktop to remind me or something. this will be an evolving project. the about me section still isn't available and i'll ramble there eventually when i get to it. here will live the things i don't have the patience or the bravery to spit out to anyone else. if you find this, good for you. if you read this, even gooder for you. signing off for now i think. i hope to be back soon. until then, walk tall, eric ☼