lot of people say no to me a lot lately, 80 per cent i am talking work
hard to feel valuable, etc. motivated, etc. to do things or build things that feel valued, worthwhile, etc. it's a good thing i am "not interested" in my work but it's hard to also "not care" because i have to care about what i do every day because ughhh
hey i hope you are doing well. i have five days of no work coming up and that almost makes me feel relaxed i guess
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<gan jue; to feel> ver 0.12.1 |
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having tmux or vim or terminal emulator issues (i'm not sure which yet) and not motivated to work right now but mega need to.
had a day-long "job interview"/"jour de tests" yesterday and feel like i did poorly. under pressure, i accomplished very little, wasn't able to problem solve with a clear head. this morning i was able to solve the same problems in... under an hour. so that happened.
not sure what happened but ihave been completely exhausted every day this week. looking forward to feeling a bit more in control of my tiredness.
had a migraine for two days this week, which really slowed things down and made some routine tasks nearly unbearable (like working!)
i am kinda a little worried that it's coming back actually, and that would be a bad way to start friday.
on top of this, i responded badly to someone who was in a very emotional state, and the outcome of this was both of us feeling not incredibly happy, and not really being on speaking terms.
i recognize that i could have responded more neutrally in the heated moment, but i also want the other person to recognize that they were being... very emotional. interpersonal relationships are very difficult.
signed, sometimes neutral, like right now
wanting to learn python, so i started creating a cli for botany that [will] allow you to print your plant's current attributes to STDOUT
this will be great for getting an image of your plant into some html~
i decided to last-minute take the day off from work. as much as i wish i didn't need that day off, i really think i did. it was not a stress-free day off, and the time kinda flew too fast, but it was very valuable and i feel a lot less stressed out. it's great that i was able too, as that's not really a luxury most people have (and i wasn't even sure i could get it approved).
was just dragged into a meeting last minute and couldn't even form sentences. probably not a big deal but it put a major downer on my afternoon.
really feeling exhausted and de-focused now. please wish me luck as i continue my travels through hell.
i had the opportunity to switch computers at work. i've been feeling increasingly uninterested in using macos at work (missing the days i used arch, specifically) and asked for a dell laptop with a linux. after a bunch of clarifying emails, it was clear that this was not cool due to all the spyware the company wanted to install on my box. feeling pretty disheartened about that and ever-more likely to just try to work somewhere else.
i've been having this mind-block where i want desperately to play videos games as a form of relaxation – but when i sit down to do it i can't relax, can't focus, can't feel satisfied, etc.
hey,
i haven't feelsed in a while and wanted to mention that
feeling very impatient today. work-related infrastructure is not agreeing with me (as usual), but i don't have the power to see through it today. lots of this shit is plain unacceptable but the people in control of it won't ever give a shit?
i'm writing lots these days, and doing lots of dev education on top of that. not bad.
also, have you heard of rss club? i think it's okay if i covertly share that here.
started writing out a daily to-do list and it's really helped me feel more focused. i would totally recommend if your days don't really fold neatly into something you'd call "a routine"
thinking that i should try vitamin d, to see if it helps me wanna get up in the morning. it rains here all winter, and in november i had no problem getting up at 06:30, but now i'm more comfortable getting up at 07:40 and it is not ideal for my Goals.
my list of the thirty best movies i watched in 2018 is now up: the best films i saw: 2018 edition.
a few months ago, i decided that i needed to move out of the place where i live before april 2019. today i secured a new apartment for february 1, 2019. finding a place is not fun, i'm sure any one of you who've tried to rent a place would agree. where i live, it is especially not fun because the vacancy rate is (for whatever reason) lower than average.
finding a place, and feeling confident that the place is run by not-assholes, makes me feel okay inside. and a medium amount of anxiety has been lifted off me.
almost done my 2018 movie list, but waiting a couple more days in case a really like two other movies i intend to watch before the 31st.
just wanna editorialize a bit about the movies that i watched this year. my goal was to watch more movies this year than i did last year, and it looks like i failed at that. (although i haven't yet counted all of the short films i saw at this year's antimatter film festival.)
in addition to failing my "total movies watched" goal: i didn't watch many movies that i liked, or loved, this year.
there were a few, maybe ten, that i will remember for the rest of my life, which is great. but compared to last year, this is kind of a downer.
actual list coming soon, although maybe i should wait until closer to the 31st, in case i watch something nice between now and then.
it's the time of year where i make a list of the thirty movies that i liked the most this year. last year's list was a very special one, and i'm not sure that this year will come even close to comparing. for the past couple months, i also haven't really had energy to watch very much.
been having one of those weeks where you go to sleep early, and then wake up a couple of hours later unable to get back to sleep.
it's been quite a trip trying to interact with people and enjoy regular life, etc.
it is impossible to connect with other humans and it'd prolly be better if none of us existed (from a scientific pov).
so i've been trying to break this habit for over a month now. it's not an important one to break, but: for years, i've kept my phone in my left pocket and my wallet/personal items in my right pocket. now, it's time to do the opposite. unfortunately, i find myself constantly putting my phone in the wrong pocket still. maybe two or three times per day, everything ends up in my right pocket.
dear groups of three,
please stop taking up the whole sidewalk. when you walk three-across, nobody can pass you. generally, you walk slowly because you are socializing. i approve of socializing, and wish you all the best in life. but please be courteous of those around you while you are "in your own social world".
i can propose a walking solution to you, which looks a little bit like the flux capacitor in back to the future:
o o
o
with this formation, you can still have a three-way conversation (if you are speaking loudly and intentionally enough), while still leaving room for passersby (me) to use the dang sidewalk.
love,
bw
i've been running to work most days and while i don't love doing it i can feel why it's beneficial.
chromatics: blue girl (dean hurley remix).
fyi, that's a youtube link. not really a big chromatics fan, but this is my feels today waaaat.
it's my city's annual media arts festival right now. i like this, and i get to see lots of interesting experimental films. specifically, this festival has a track record for delivering a good abstract/concrete film programme, often even having a performance or two done by filmmakers on nice ol' film projectors.
bonus: it's by donation, and seating is max 20 people, meaning each screening is quiet, intimate, respectful.
this could be better if i wasn't so exhausted by work right now, but it's still an okay way to end each day. i think i have another four days until it ends.
for the last month or so, my job has been completely unfufilling. every eight hours i put in feels like twenty. i have complained to three people who i report to, telling them that i don't see the value in the project i'm working on. i feel like i'm not the right person for the job, that nobody who will be consuming my work will care that it exists
i have tried to say: i don't think this will bring value or $$$ value to anyone. but either i am not pursuasive enough when i say this, or i am not creating enough "friction," which i am learning is what makes businesses "work," or they want me to feel miserable.
every day feels so long partially because of my bad attitude. i am trying to "make the best of a bad situation," to come to work refreshed, to leave my work tasks at my desk when the day is over. maybe i care too much about my work, but i can't shake the feeling that i am not proud of what i've been doing, that nobody else will notice how shitty it is, and so on.
my next task is to forcefully abandon the project, pretend i am mr. manager when i am speaking to the people who i report to.
i have years of journal entries that do not have a home. they used to have a home, but it was a for-profit app that i ended up feeling sore about. since i removed them, i've been planning having a nice, tailor-made home for them that i can love to use. and moreover something that stores them in a sane way.
that was years ago now. and honestly, it's because i don't have a home for those journal entries that i'm not journaling at all. it's not really acceptable.
please support me as i log feels here. it may not have the continuity i was hoping for, but it's better to just record things now and perfect systems later. would you agree?
okay. that's my first entry.