~calmbit@TTBP



11 august 2020

it's been a while sense i've written anything of note here.

the quarantine has, predictably, exhausted me beyond belief, but i'm happy to know that in some small way, i'm succeeding by surviving. it's always important to seek out the little things in your life that bring you joy, rather than continually focusing on that which brings you sadness.

immensely nascent to this is the inevitable technological singularity re: corporate siloing and technological stagnation. spaces like the town offer a form of solace, a beautiful community built on openly accessible and hackable standards that give power back to people rather than corporations.

the utopian vision of living a FOSS-ful life continues to elude me but the key takeway is to note that principles like these are not airtight - it only serves to exhaust myself to continue the self-chastising for not fully abandoning my non-FOSS self and embracing the "true asthetic" of full FOSS usage. i should find it in myself to to become happy with the zen of balance - appreciating the small spots in my life which deserve conversion, and not continuing to wound myself over the little things.

thank you, ~vilmibm, for all you do, and for helping me with my philosophy.



06 april 2019

Sometimes, I'm brutally unaware of the inability I have to change things. Like, I'm not sure whether or not I can change everything that I don't like about myself - my therapist says this is something, at some point, that we all learn to live with, to a degree - the Buddhist philosophy of learning to live with suffering, and understanding that in an age of constant "fixes" we can do well to learn about sitting still and attempting to...not find an answer every single time. It's lucid, but it's my driving philosophy right now.



14 september 2018

was literally too depressed to go to class today. i'm not sure why my brain is beginning to rationalize credits and grades as if they were equivalent to the spoons i have to deal with classes, but by and large my brain is at the very least cognizant that this beavhiour isn't okay. i need to call a therapist but unfortunately yet again i'm stuck in the cycle of being too lazy and sad to talk to anyone. i feel so horribly stuck and yet i just wallow in it.



13 september 2018

my brain is a gigantic pain



10 september 2018

By and large, college is one of those things that in being challenging is also hillariously annoying. The difficulty of adjusting your life to the schedule and whims of the college experience gives me a great amount of anxiety, while also opening up a great number of possibilities for me.



14 june 2018

above all, sometimes there are days when everything seems to go correctly

there are also days in which nothing seems to go correctly

i've always been very hard pressed to tell what kind of day it is

maybe today is okay



13 june 2018

oh wow! a blog engine!

this will be fun, stay tuned :)