ARE BIRDS REAL??/?

An investigation into the subject.

Ah....birds. Silly birds! They walk funny, they make pleasant noises, they fly in neat little formations, they migrate to and fro and spark joy in the hearts of many. But what if I told you there was a dark secret, an absolute scandal afoot? Here are some facts about birds that your government doesn't want you to know!

Fact 1: Birds are drones.

This may seem impossible, but "birds" are actually advanced machines, created by your government. Instead of using propellors, rotors, or jets, they use an arrary of advanced sensors and stability algorithms to flap their wings, producing a mesmorizing display engineered to encourage eye contact with citizens. Before color or cameras were invented, back when the world was entirely black and white, a small group of totalitarian governments pooled their resources to design "birds". Because of their sly timing, all known photographs ever taken may or may not contain "birds" and there is no physical evidence of "birds" existing prior to these photographs. When color was invented, other less totalitarian governments adopted the technology as well. Due to global partnership, they are now present worldwide.

Have you ever wondered why modern "birds" rest on powerlines in large groups? They are, in fact, recharging their batteries!

How about the celebrated cultural norm of putting out feeders for "birds"? That was the government! Before power lines were invented, they told us to do that so the "birds" can get closer to people, and to provide auxillary power for the drones via nectar and various seeds. While the extra power from the "feeding" was helpful, "birds" mostly generated power from wind energy and solar energy.

Fact 2: If it flies, it spies!

Footage of a "bird" asserting dominance over a conventional security camera.

"Birds" are spies! They collect evidence and monitor trends of human populations. They are particularly good at detecting rebellions before they start and collecting evidence for law enforcement agencies. "Bird" footage is a secret, non-public tool used as court evidence, but due to it's classified nature, must be shown to the judge before the public trial begins. Many would say this a violation of our rights, but the government has been getting away with it since before color was invented! It is not advisable to start protesting against the government for their "bird" related activities, because the "birds" will have you arrested in no time.

Fact 3: The sounds and movement patterns of "birds" are designed to cultivate government complacency.

The soothing sounds and entrancing movements of "birds" help to keep people more docile, and to distract citizens from other, more obvious violations of their privacy and rights. "Birds" are especially active during the times of day that people are making their commutes to and from work, so that they can help soothe the feelings brought about by being overworked or hating their jobs. "Birds" are an essential tool in protecting capitalistic practices, such as keeping wages low and hours worked per citizen as high as possible. "Birds" help prevent the collapse of society and keep civil war at bay.

Fact 4: "Bird" "poop" is not randomly distributed.

Have you ever noticed that politicians don't get pooped on by "birds" when giving outdoor speeches, but your car and other outdoor fixtures get totally plastered in it? They know their masters! There is a common misconception that "birds" poop whenever they "need" to, but the reality is that they can poop infinitely wherever they are instructed to. Because the workload of employment is not quite high enough for our government to ever be satisfied, they entrench us in the act of cleaning up after their drones. This also makes them appear more natural, and reduce suspicion that "birds" are machines. Because everything that lives poops, right?? A convincing facade!

Fact 5: Fossil records of "birds" are fake.

Governments the world over have descended to the depths of the earth to create fossils of "birds" and "bird" related species to convince people they have always existed. When the drones were first deployed, the government convinced everyone that they migrated south from the north pole, in pursuit of a more comfortable climate. They proposed that the "birds" did not do this sooner because they used to have a good relationship with polar bears, but things went south in the relationship when they stole too much of the bears' food. Bears and "birds" are still seen together to this day, in an attempt to reinforce this fabricated lie.