Just a little bit of a content warning, this blog contains sensitive subjects such as: suicide, intrusive thoughts, self-hatred and similar. If you happen to be easily disturbed by such topics, please refrain from reading. Thank you for visiting!

10 august 2022

I feel like I am having a panic attack. It's 3:31 AM and I am dealing with some interesting thoughts right now. Mostly because I feel like I am stuck in the past. Everything, and I mean everything around me is completely changing, yet I am somehow still stuck in the same place I was months ago.

Mentally, I have grown, but as I see the people aronud me, I often find myself completely puzzled by their sudden life changes, decisions, and similar.

I guess the biggest problem is that I am experiencing changes too but at the same time I feel like I just cannot cope with them. I want things to be as they were, I want to know what the fuck is happening around me. But my mind is too fucked to focus on it, so I end up left in the dust and I cannot keep up.

It's oddly melancholic. I am floating through everything not being able to piece jack shit together, yet when you look at it objectively, it's not like my life is terrible.

I guess my emotions and irrationality just make it so.

06 august 2022

I feel like what I did will haunt me forever, not only in my own mind but in full reality too. I go out, I try to take my mind off things, but she's there and I start to hear snickers and laughter behind me, along with strange and disgusted looks in my direction.

I probably deserve it, but it's weighing down on me every time. Part of me doesn't wanna leave the house because of it. However at the same time part of me feels like it's practically necessary. If I stay home, nothing changes, while this way, there is a chance for change, but at the same time it's hard for me because I know that I am practically incapaciatated from initiating the change.

I am not even safe in the comfort of sleep because even then my subconcious decides to projects my worst fears and at the same time my deepest desires. So when I wake up I am left either traumatised or depressed knowing that my experiences were not even close to reality.

I hate my dreams, but I hate reality even more. Therefore the knowledge that I am left completely alone with all of this is just fucking me in the worst ways possible.

Speaking of dreams, I had actually experienced a nightmare a few years ago. I vividly remember waking up on a bench in a foreign country and a foreign town with only a vauge recollection of certain directions that I am supposed to follow in order to meet up with my friends. After hours of mindlessly roaming this empty city I finally stumbled upon the apartment building that I needed to go into. After walking up the steps and getting to the apartment that all my friends were in, I knocked on the door only to be greeted by one of my friends, looking at me in a perplexed yet completely furious manner. His exact words were, "What the fuck are you doing here? Get the fuck away, nobody wants you near us". After asking him the regular questions of "What? Why? What did I do?" all I had managed to convince him to allow me is to pack up my things and leave. I'll never forget going into this apartment, only to find people crying, shaking and one person screaming in the bathroom. Those bloodcurdling screams still haunt my memories to this day. After packing up, all my friend could tell me was "Please leave, and never contact me again". After that, I guess I just kinda woke up.

It kinda haunted me for days after that, I was relieved that it was all a dream but at the same time that prospect scared the living shit out of me, and while I may not be exactly living through that nightmare right now. I sure am damn close to it.

30 july 2022

I think in some parts of my life I romanticised and idealised a different life of solitude and emptiness. Not sure why, I guess that it just kinda happened. However, now that my life is pretty much defined by those two qualities, I feel like kicking myself for ever thinking that this lifestyle could be good, let alone romanticising it to the point of fetishization.

The deeper I dig into myself and my past the worse I feel, yet I cannot stop myself from doing it. It's like a slow motion car crash that I put myself through. Truly devastating, yet somehow so utterly mesmerizing that I cannot tear myself away. I keep digging through the archives of memories in my brain and on my computer in order to come to some form of conclusion, but no matter how many conclusions I come to, I never feel like I actually achieve anything.

I try to make myself productive, however those efforts are often fruitless. I guess now that I have a job lined up I might actually make myself useful in some way, shape or form. But even then I am not sure that will improve my mental health significantly. Mostly because I cannot escape from my mind no matter how much I try, every single task that I use as an indulgence is usually put in the backseat by my own brain.

I redid my entire room, I cleaned out the basement, I am designing posters and tickets for events, I am DJ-ing. Yet all of that is on the back of my mind, while this anguish gets the forefront. I know it's pathetic.

22 july 2022

Over the past week I lost around 5 kilos (11 pounds for you American folk), however it's not something that I am generally proud of as I haven't really moved around all too much. I am just stuck to my bed, unmotivated to do anything, and I don't even eat.

I guess it's no wonder I've been having a lot of issues with my digestive system in the past few days with it consistently trying to process something out of just water, an occasional soda, and maybe a few slices of bread a day. I guess my poor diet is also partly to blame on my absolutely hog wild sleep schedule, where I sleep for maybe 2 hours a night and then spend the rest of my day just absolutely comatose in bed.

I set up a plex server on my laptop though, so at least that's something... I guess

20 july 2022

I find it difficult to do anything I am obliged to these days. Even places and things that are inherently supposed to be fun seem like a chore.

Friends birthdays, parties, passion projects, even seemingly completely unrelated stuff like playing video games just feel like a job or a grueling task that I am doing for some unknown reason, and every time I do it's just worse than the last.

I find it immensely difficult to get out of bed, even though I cannot get myself to fall asleep. Because of this fact, most of my days and nights are spent laying in bed, not doing anything of note. Watching videos and movies that I have already watched, smoking cigarettes and listening to music only to distract myself from my own brain which keeps psychoanalyzing every single aspect of my past, present and future.

I am uninspired, uninterested and in many ways completely disconnected from the world around me. Both platonic and potential romantic aspects of my life are completely barren, with me being completely uninterested and detached from all of my friends and their plans and words. Nothing seems to matter anymore.

Even something primarily biological such as my sex drive is completely drained. I feel no need to masturbate or empty out my sexual impulses in any way. Primarily because I have no sexual aspirations.

My suicidal tendencies have perhaps reached their peak. Never have I felt such a burning desire to take my own life. In the past few weeks, I stood on the edge of buildings, bridges and I am yet to remove the premade noose from my backpack without the intent to use it. I regret many things about my past life, one of the biggest regrets is not accepting the offer to get commited in the mental health institute and not taking medication, no matter how intense and potentially life-altering it was.

While it definitely would not have been fun, it would at least represent a semblence of control and stability in my life in comparison to the pure and utter chaos that it is today.

14 july 2022

Is every apology inherently selfish? Is it wrong for us to say sorry if it's only to stop us from feeling bad about what we did? I don't know, or well, I don't think I know. I would like to think that whenever we apologize clearing our concscience is just a secondary positive byproduct. Apologies are meant to serve both parties well. But not everyone sees it like this I guess, or maybe the circumstances under which you apologise end up changing the way your apology is interpreted.

I decided that after months of brain-fucking and terrible mental gymnastics, the best outcome for me is just to apologise to her. Maybe it'll bring her some peace to know that I genuinely do (deservedly) feel bad for what I did, and while I do not and did not seek forgiveness nor was I trying to clear my conscience (that won't be done so easily) what I did seek was closure. And closure I fucking got for sure.

I guess what still kind of hurts in this scenario is what type of closure it kind of was. Because all I said was that I was sorry, to which she replied that it was too late and that I was just using her again to clear my conscience. After that I was promptly blocked from anything and literally everything. I'm pretty sure she even managed to fucking crash Twitter.

While this is a form of closure, my fucking god is it violent. I would've literally been happy with "fuck off I don't forgive you", but this entire rigmarole just ended up hurting more than I expected. I have to admit though, I kind of knew that this was going to happen when I started this, I guess I just wasn't prepared for it when it finally happened.

Looking back on the entire relationship, I have this tinge of melancholy. It truly was something beautiful, but now it's really over, and while I learned a LOT from it, it's arguably my biggest failure in life. And out of all people, I am sorry that I had to learn this lesson with her.

I need to get a new phone.

07 july 2022

Alone with an iPod in Belgrade

Well, I guess it’s time for me to enroll in my university now that my entrance exams are over. So, to make this entire experience a bit more fun/unbearable/nostalgic, I decided to bring my iBook G3 with me. It has a working battery and I will be doing a sort of live-blog thing with it for this entire experience, except I’ll only publish it when I get home. It’s currently 11:11 AM and my bus has set off. I am currently listening to my bland indie playlist on my iPod and just trying to kill some time before I have to walk my ass off getting to my faculty in Belgrade. After the frankly painful experience of enrolling myself I will have a pretty decent chunk of time to spend, meaning I’ll be left to my own devices and completely alone in this absolute behemoth of a city.

I wrote a lot about Belgrade before I had my blog on tilde, so I guess I’ll rehash some of that to make my thoughts on this city clearer. I love it, just absolutely love it. Coming from a smaller town that is pretty much completely peaceful and dead makes me appreciate being in a lively and sprawling environment even more. I guess I also always kind of lusted for megalopolises. Just knowing that you are this incredibly small piece in a huge environment, it grounds you a lot.

Well I enrolled, I am now officially a student of the University of Belgrade. I am studying at the Faculty of Philology and my major is general linguistics with a foreign language, the foreign language in question being Japanese. As of writing this I am at the bus station in Belgrade. It’s fucking huge and there are many people around me, so I kind of look fucking awkward smacking keys on a 2001 Snow iBook G3, but who the fuck cares. I made it, I enrolled and I enrolled with a major I am genuinely satisfied with.

I still feel a little like shit. No matter how much adrenaline you pump through my veins I don’t think it’ll ever be enough to satiate my brain and finally make it think straight. But it is what it is. I guess some things really never do change.

Despite the poor mental health, the future looks really interesting for me.

30 june 2022

Well, I finished my entrance exam...

Now it's just time to see how I did. With the results coming out today I am obviously quite nervous and anxious but we'll see. It ain't over till it's over.

Yesterday was a fucking fever dream of a day, with me not sleeping AT ALL the night before and chugging energy drinks while downing cigarettes before the exam itself. Although none of that was really necessary as the adrenaline rush of having one of the most important tests of my life so far was enough to keep me more than awake.

After everything was over though, I came back home and went absolutely comatose. No joke I think I slept for like 12 hours, Going to bed at 3PM and waking up at around 4AM. Absolute fucking insanity.

I haven't dreamed in a while, but yesterday marked a change in that. A change that I did not really welcome with open arms. Not because it was an ordinary nightmare or sleep paralysis, but because I dreamt I was with her again.

Just when I start to think that I am getting over everything, just when I am starting to feel comfortable with myself again. It comes back to haunt me.

I don't even remember the majority of the dream, I just remember us talking about the mistakes I had made, and at one point I had started to cry because I had realized that she was holding my hand.

Some truly fucking pathetic shit. I'm not sure which is more pathetic though, the dream itself or the fact that I was more depressed than ever when I woke up to realize that none of it was even close to reality.

20 june 2022

Well, I graduated.

It's actually been a few days now, but it still feels weird. How has it been 4 years since 2018? And even so, how has seemingly nothing happened for 2 of those 4 years? I guess I'm not even sure myself.

Either way, high school is behind me, for better or for worse. Regardless of that fact though, I still cannot shake off certain elements of my past. Things that I've done, decisions that I've made, all of those things keep racing through my head along with the hypothetical scenarios of "What if?". What if I had done things differently? What if I had treated them better? What if I had not pushed them away?

Maybe there's such a thing as being too introspective. This whole rigmaroler is hurting me. And at an especially inoportune time.

My university entrance exam is in 9 days. I feel mostly ready, yet I still have this sense of dread looming over me that it will just go absolutely horribly. Although that is something that I've been told everyone alive feels.

It is what it is, I just hope university shakes some sense back into me.

12 june 2022

I feel a bit better these past few days.

I've been mostly absent from the tilde IRC room because for some reason my latency has grown to a million all of a sudden. But that's fine, I'll fix it eventually and I will be back.

I had a good amount of distractions from everything lately. On thursday I bought a PS3 and a 2006 MacBook for a grand total of 35euro on my local flea market. Therefore for the past few days I've been just playing games like Hotline Miami, Minecraft, Dirt 3 and in general fucking around on that old MacBook.

Yesterday though I worked as a bouncer for a local techno party that went on from like 10PM to 7AM. The pay was decent enough for a one time kinda thing, and besides from a few low-lifes trying to cause trouble by not wanting to pay to get in, it's a pretty fun job.

Undeniably though, I still miss a lot of things from my past, because no matter how fun some of these new experiences may be, they're much better when they're shared with someone.

One day I guess...

Song of the blogpost: Love - Luke Slater

08 june 2022

It's 4:47AM

Yet another sleepless night, amazing, the dripping water of the broken air conditioning units outside makes me feel as if it's raining, so I guess that's kind of comforting. However I do not look forward to the eventual moment when I have to wake up and start my daily routine of bullshit again.

My plant on tilde today grew into a cactus. I shall name it Bill. Right now I am playing it my favorite record as per suggestion.

Honestly, tonight was not too good of a night. Like clockwork, the tightness in my chest returned and I soon found it very difficult to breathe. It's a very peculiar yet incredibly uncomfortable feeling. Like your entire body is covered in a terrible black tar and every single movement becomes 10x more difficult as you're trying to escape it.

I tried distracting myself with some YouTube videos and music, but unfortunately that effort was completely futile.

Yesterday was a bit better since I joined this WhatsApp group all about my future (hopefully) university, so that was a decent little distraction. However today I quickly found their sarcastic quips annoying and muted it not even a day after joining...

Maybe I am just cynical, I don't know. I should probably try and get some sleep.

07 june 2022

Well the page is done.

Honestly much simpler than I thought it would be, although the code is meme tier. Like really honestly pretty bad. But I genuinely don't care. I need something as an outlet, and this is perfect. Distanced from my usual online presence, yet not too far away. Exactly what I wanted if you ask me.

I've had trouble sleeping ever since I was a kid. I'm not really sure why but I guess it runs in my genes, since my dad is pretty much the same. Neither of us can get any shut-eye unless we are so physically tired that our bodies essentially force us to sleep. This leaves me alone with my thoughts for extended periods of time, pretty much every single night.

The anti-depressants I am currently on have started working, unfortunately. While this seems like a thing that should spark some form of progress and fuel me to change my life for the better I am only finding this particular fact immensely difficult. The drugs seem to have started to take control of my emotional responses yet not the emotions and feelings I have myself. I find myself wanting to express how and what I feel, yet not being able to.

I want to cry. I want to have a physical response to what is going on in my mind, yet I find myself completely stuck. I feel terrible. Dazed, twitchy, confused, yet I cannot let any of that out. Every time I want to it's like I am met with this invisible barrier that is stopping me from doing anything. I hug a pillow, I start rocking back and forth not being able to process anything around me. And despite all of that though I don't say or do anything, which absolutely fucking terrifies me.

The few dreams that I do end up having are usually about the same two things. It's either me talking to her again, or it's me actually being able to cry.

Speaking of her. I find myself thinking about her more and more, with each passing day. In spite of me knowing that pragmatically and logically the end of our relationship was in both of our best interests, I cannot get the two years that we spent together out of my mind. The moments we spent holding each other, the places we've been, the conversations we had. All of that races through my mind at the speed of light. I suppose that's normal, but it does not aid me in the slightest.

However what I miss more than anything else is being physically close to someone, holding someone, kissing someone. Feeling their embrace, knowing that no matter what happens in the world, I will still have that one person to fall back on. I miss drifting away in the early hours of the morning knowing that when I finally wake up there will be someone there to greet me with a cheerful "Good morning :)" despite the fact that it's nearly 2PM and my body feels like it's going to fall into a million pieces.

I still want to die. I still think about taking my life, and it's still on a daily basis. The things that brought me immense joy in the past now only barely manage to spark a smile. A smile which is incredibly temporary, knowing that soon enough the tightness in my chest will return, I will again feel like I cannot breathe, and soon enough I will be stuck on my own, listening to music, and hoping that I can distract myself until I just feel neutral again.

Song of the blogpost: Das Rheingold: Prelude - Richard Wagner

04 june 2022

I still log into AIM from time to time with hopes that she'll be there. But it's been a few days now and there is still nothing. I should probably give up but it's just too difficult. I can't let go of the past that easily.

I found the only person crazy enough to actually follow me around on my stupid computer adventures, and I blew it. I just did.

I dream of her sometimes, but it's always so difficult because even in my dreams she has distanced herself completely from me.

I often daydream of her finding me, talking to me, saying that she forgives me. Saying that she wants to hold me again, saying that she wants us to spend time together again. However, I quickly interrupt myself in order to not give myself any form of hope that something like that will ever actually happen.

Every text I get, every notification I recieve, there's always a faint glimmer of hope in me that it's from her. I know it's impossible, yet every time I get that massive hit of dissapointment when I finally look at my phone, just to discover that it's not her.

I am pathetic, aren't I?