2025-02-06
That one time I was traveling home to see my partner and I told them I would call them when I got on the plane. I missed my flight and ended up being delayed over 3 hours. They eventually called me to see where I was and I told them I hadn’t left yet. “I don’t know why you’re upset. I told you I’d call when I got on the Plane. Therefore since I haven’t called you, you should have known I haven’t gotten on the plane yet.”
That one time I decided to go sit in a dark bedroom by myself rather than socialize at a party with people I didn’t know. “I don’t want to talk to these people. I’m never going to see them again.” They were the family of one of my closest friends and I have seen them a lot over the ensuing years.
I constantly have to regulate my facial expression, volume and tone of voice, and body language when in public so I don’t come across as angry or rude. A common refrain in our house is, Don’t forget to make your face friendly!
Sensory sensitivity: I abhor the touch of certain kinds of paper and cardboard. Makes me want to jump out of my skin. I don’t leave the house without my earplugs, and I would rather be wearing noise canceling headphones even when just sitting alone in a quiet room. I can’t stand the feel of certain clothes and become angry about them: anything that hugs too tight around the edges like a turtleneck or basically anything with a cuff. As a kid I actually cut all the elastic bits out of all my clothes much to my mother’s chagrin. Sometimes being too hot can make me panicky and feel like running away.
Conversations, small talk, parties, and other social settings are all hard because I don’t know when I should talk or listen, and I struggle when a conversation has moved on but I still want to talk about the previous thing, and sometimes I can’t bring myself to talk even when it’s about something I’m really interested in.
I obsess over schedule and routine, and it manifests in the way I manage my calendar. I put everything on my calendar and fastidiously keep events up to date: will bump a calendar event 15 minutes if I’m running a few minutes late. To the extent that my partner eventually unfollowed my calendar and asked me not to invite them to new events because the notifications were too much. I keep my calendar this way both to let me know when things are going to happen, and also when they happened in the past. I have a really hard time changing plans, or when things don’t go the way I expect them to.
Extraordinary processing time. My partner has learned to ask if I’m still thinking or if I’m done talking. Processing my thoughts and feelings is very active and deliberate process. It requires meditation and journaling.