27 june 2019
Summer hasn't been as happy as I'd hoped. I ended up going to Arizona
and Las Vegas with a couple friends. A good day of nature and another day
of not os much nature. The day after, I watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
and it was kinda funny and relatable for the time. Outside of that I've been
mostly moping. I miss my girlfriend (less than 2 months until I see her again)
and I still feel tired, mentally, from the scool year. It's just been hard to
start doing things. I made a small webpage and done some bug fixes here and
there but I've mostly binged on Brooklyn 99 the last week. It's a pretty
good show and I find myself actually laughing at a lot of the jokes.
Today, I'm in Brazil. I'm here for a month visiting my grandparents and I
can't help but feel bad at how much they're spoiling me. They got a lot of
good food and are kind of pampering me. I feel bad bc I feel like an extra
burden on their daily lives and I'm not exactly a model grandchild. Anyways
I was happy to eat passionfruit and an eggplant salad that my grandma always
makes. I'm hoping being here will make me distracted enough from myself
to be able to get some work done. My overall goal for this trip is actually
to learn about my grandparents and their lives.
On the topic of distraction, this trip my go by slowly but as soon as I get
back things are goona be really busy. I'm going to a conference and then
another trip to Portland with my mom, and then my gf returns soon after. I'm
kinda anxious at this exact moment because she sent me a message about
"changing her life plans" and I have no idea what that might entail. Not to
mention it that she also go really drunk last night and it also happens to be
the day I was flying out. It just seems weird and I guess that's putting me on
edge. I don't know. My feelings about her have been all over the place and I
feel like I talk about her to much. She's one of the few things I feel strongly
about and I guess that idea confuses me.
Update: Obviously, her change of plans was nothing to fret about. And after
talking to her any anxiety I had was relieved. I think this is an example
of a larger anxiety I've been feeling that she's away...
permalink
14 june 2019
I'm finally recording a feels on a proper day.
I had my last final before summer break today! What a relief...
However I've been overly concerned with social issues after an
online discussion. And in general I think I've just been
sensitive about hate in general. I'm not sure why it's so hard
for me to process the idea that other people might hate things.
I like to say how cynical I am but, I guess it comes in moods
and many times I'm pretty innocent.
Anyways, I've been trying to drop it and I hope I do so I can
get to sleep.
permalink
11 june 2019
Content warning: very sappy...
I didn't want to talk about my girlfriend on my first feels bc I think it
should be more an introduction to me. That sentence sounded more
authoritarian than I thought. Anyways I like her a lot, and I spend
quite a lot of time thinking about her. What prompted me to write about
her today is that I was looking through a meme song blog on tumbr
that ~artemis shared, and came across
"Space Song".
As stereotypically hipster this song is, it reminds me of her. For one, she
was the first person to show me them, and on the day we met. Now, the
circumstances that lead to this are a great story, but I'll save it for another
time. We were in her ~ college dorm ~ and at the time it was completely
fascinating to me. I was a lowley community college boy (and I still have
this chip on my shoulder).
Anyways, I think both of us were kinda awkward, and nervous but, she put on the
album Depression Cherry and while I think there was an air of awkwardnsess
we were pretty comfortable next to each other looking at the ceiling
or each other pretty silent just listening to the music.
I've listened to the album many times since then, but for some reason listening
to this dumb remix just now reminded me of what I felt being there next to her.
I remember thinking how I've never felt such strong emotions, maybe it was
love, but I had known this person for less than 12 hours. I usually talk to
myself in my head, and in this moment I had no words. Thinking about it makes
me want to go back.
Our relationshipt at the moment is not bad or anything, besides her studying
abroad 1-3k miles away for a few months but, at the time it was novel. I was
so far outside my comfort zone and normal operation that weekend. It was just
strange, and relieving to find her in the midst of it. Our normal interactions
are much different now, with a lot of batter and we're hardly quiet around
each other. But, I think when she comes back it'll be similar to when we
were new to each other.
I think my memory is deliberately romanticizing this in a way. As romantic
as the quiet times spent together were, some of it was out of anxiety
and the feeling after seeing her was so dreadful. Seeing if she was
gonna reply or maybe she'd get too busy to see me again. I guess
I also didn't really have a concrete reason she liked me, and,
though she never admitted it, I was somehow sure she did. Anyways,
I can now rest assured she does, and we are much better friends
now, than before.
I hestiate saying the relationship is better than before beacuse I think
it might imply that something about it was bad and that I might want to
retroactively change it. Or that there was a calculated change imposed
create it. I'm happy that we got to where we are and I look fondly at the
memories of those previous times. While, in moment such as now, I
want to go back, I wouldn't trade what we have now for the world.
permalink
10 june 2019
My first feels! Sadly, not my best day today... I'm back home from university
(which was not far at all, but I lived on campus for my first year), and
I got to ride my bike through nearby canyons. I felt like I almost died
I've pretty much been stationary the last few weeks so I'm glad I got some
exercise. Being back home also means I can eat well and I get to sleep on
my own bed, which is on ground level. Today was also the first sunny day in
a few weeks. I guess I'm pretty happy. It's just that it's 1 in the morning
and feel unecessarily anxious. I noted this last quarter as well, but I
experience discomfort in the begining of vacations. It's hard to sleep, plain
anxiety for no reason, and I lash out at my mom a lot. I think the struture
of school stresses me out, always having to do something to stay afloat...
I'm gonna sign off before this turns into more rambling...
permalink