31 december 2019
Well, it's been a long time since I've been on here, so I thought I'd update
with some thoughts.
I'm currently sitting on the couch at 3 AM while my wife is drawing on her
tablet. Pretty sure I wasn't married last time I was on ~town, so that's
pretty big news.
I'm still on HRT, having just finished 7 months. It's been kind of wild. I
/think/ I'm non-binary now, not a girl. I'm still working through my thoughts
on that. I'm currently at the cross roads of "do I stay somewhat masculine or
do I go full fem" and.. I'm kind of okay with staying there. I get to keep a
bit of both types of traits I like: I don't have to be completely emotionless
and I also don't have to feel so restricted by clothes.
I still have bad days, but it's hard to compare to the bad days I used to
have. Before, it was just existential dread and sadness and feeling like I'm
throwing away my whole life by not transitioning. Now it's most often just
pure dysphoria and being unhappy with my body. Both are bad of course, but I
actually prefer the latter. It's something I can fix.
Right now I have a few main dysphoria triggers that almost always fuck me up.
Singing anything is a big one. I've always sang at a high pitch, half as a
form of coping ("at least I can do that") but also I just don't fit into a
particular range very well. But when I sing or think about singing anything in
front of others, then I get depressed that my voice will never be right. That
said, I don't have any plans to train my voice, but maybe that will change in
the future.
Body hair affects me even more. It's been growing in a lot more than I got
used to for the last couple of months, and it makes my normally very
comforting and affirming clothes /feel wrong/.
These things put me in such a mood that I can't shake for hours, on up to
days, and nothing will clear them up. I'll be miserable and cry at the
littlest things until I can just convince myself that everything is okay. I
don't know how to improve that, but I'm still trying to. I just wish I could
flip a switch sometimes and feel okay.
My wife tries really hard to be there for me when I'm feeling bad like that.
It helps but it doesn't get me out of the mood. It's been really hard for me
to say that, although she's trying, it's just something I need to ride out.
Combining that with her not really understanding how I'm feeling or what I'm
going through and it's a little frustrating for both of us.
As far as timelines go:
~7 months ago: start 2mg estradiol
~2.5 months ago: start 50mg spiro
~2 months ago: increase to 100mg spiro
~1 months ago: stop taking spiro
I added the spiro to help further decrease testosterone and it did that. It
also had a couple of side effects for me. My sex drive absolutely plummeted.
Body hair stoped growing as thick. I could go 2 days without shaving and
instead of 1 day. I also got super depressed.
I did some reading online and found that many trans people had the depression
problem on spiro and that switching to an alternative medication helped. I
asked my doctor about this and she suggested that if I wanted to drop the
spiro and see how my mood is, then I could, and that she would look into other
medications I could take. I go back in about 2 weeks to see about starting
something else. Of course, she also suggested that the depression could be due
to other things: just run of the mill depression, dysphoria, etc. If it's just
dysphoria, then upping my estrogen dose might help me get more feminine
features. I don't know if that's what I want though...
There's a lot of uncertainty for me in my transition. I don't know what I want
but I know I'm going in the right direction. I don't know if I want really
feminine features. I don't know what I envision as feminine features. I don't
know if I want to go by they/them, but I think I do. I'm liking them for now,
but who knows if that will last. I don't know if I want to just be publicly
masc and privately fem. I don't know if I want to look, I dunno, "normal" or
not.
I think there's more I could talk about but I think that's enough for now.
Thanks for reading. It helped to get some of it written down.
permalink
28 june 2019
Where has all my motivation gone?
I haven't really felt up to working for at least a couple weeks, if not a few
months. It's not that I don't find my work interesting, because at a high
level, I do. I just don't want to be the one doing it. I want to work on cool
things, things that actually impact more than just a small community, or
things that I actually get paid well for.
There's a new project here that I want to work on, but I opened the source
code and just scrolled for a few minutes before closing it. The trouble is,
there's some interesting aspects to it, but it's locked behind a lot of
tedious work.
I think maybe there's a loneliness aspect to it. Usually, even during the
summer, I'm at least spending time with others in the office, but lately it's
just been me. I try to stave off some of that by talking online or by working
in a coffee shop, but it doesn't really help me much. I end up just wasting
time and not really getting much done.
I want to invest more in myself and get myself to a point where I can actually
apply for jobs (albeit, in at least a year when I get my grad degree). But the
thought of setting up a LinkedIn or making a website that doesn't suck just
takes all that motivation away.
I don't really know the fix for this. I think it comes down to a lack of
discipline which I normally fix through social obligations. (i.e. I normally
get things done because I know someone else is depending on it and I want to
impress that person. I don't really feel the need to impress my current main
coworker that I never see anyways).
My fiancee is wanting to start going to school again which I think is great,
but now I'm worried about finances. We had talked about her starting in the
Spring or even next Fall, but she's gone ahead and applied for a community
college nearby before we could really talk about it together. I get why she
wants to go there: she feels stuck and wants to work somewhere that her
coworkers are a little more friendly and respectful of her. Totally
understandable and I don't want her to have to work there if they're making
her feel really unwelcome.
The only trouble is that she's the kind of person who can't work and go to
school at the same time. It's pretty much a one or the other kind of thing.
This means that I'll be the sole income provider and, well, grad students
don't make much money. I make enough to break even, but only if we cut back on
a lot of our spending. We're both guilty of spending frivolously at times, but
she's a little worse at managing money than me, partly due to growing up in an
upper middle class household while I grew up in a lower middle class one. When
your outlet is "buying clothes" while growing up, you don't really manage
money well.
So now I'm trying to figure out what the best way forward is. Do I pick up a
side job? Do /r/beermoney things? Donate plasma? Make her work too? (and
pretty much accept that she won't do well in school; not that she can't, but
that she has decided she can't do both).
Maybe I'm just upset and that's souring my thoughts. I really don't want to
push her to not take classes and work on her degree, but I also really don't
want to feel like I'm being stepped all over.
Her not working won't really affect the income rate for us, because most of
her income is used for god knows what (clothes, makeup, expensive glasses lens
that she didn't need), while mine is towards bills and groceries and
occasionally going out to eat. However, her going to classes will mean that
we have one more bill, essentially.
Yeah, I think I'm still a little upset about this.
I'll try to decompress some and try to talk to her about these issues. If I
read what I wrote above, that's the advice I'd give, so I think I'll try it.
permalink
22 june 2019
Today was my city's Pride festival.
I went with my fiancee and got dressed up a bit. I had intended to get up
earlier than I did so that I could go get some more clothes (I really wanted a
skirt, headband, and purse), but I slept in and then realized that Pride
started an hour before I had thought. I ended up going in my regular jeans, a
nice shirt I got from Walmart, and wearing my breast forms.
I had a good time, though it did take me a bit to get over some of my
worries/feeling out of place. I guess there's still (and probably will always
be) some degree of feeling like I don't belong because I don't feel like I've
done enough. I don't really help any others out and kind of just keep to
myself. But I remind myself that that's okay, and there's nothing I need to do
to "prove" I'm LGBT enough.
The parade was nice. We weren't able to go very far forward, sticking mostly
to the end of the parade, so that meant we missed out on some of the floats
(they turned right before where we were, but people walking kept going past
us).
Amusingly, we got handed a bottle of lube from some of the people walking. At
first I wasn't sure and thought it might be hand sanitizer, but nope, it's
personal lubricant.
After the parade, we went to the actual festival which was nice. We like
festivals already, but it's kind of fun to see everything adorned in rainbows
and all kinds of LGBT-friendly stuff.
One thing that makes me a little sad is how many "free (mom|dad) hugs" people
there were, and that it's such a widespread thing that some people would want
a hug from a parent-figure because they aren't able to get one from home.
During the festival, after about 30 minutes, it started pouring down rain. We
ended up seeking shelter in a few places for a couple of minutes during the
heaviest part. We also looked at some dresses and shirts and bought one, but
unfortunately, it was way too small on me. It's a real shame too because I
really like how it looks and think it would suit me well.
We saw some old friends from high school. I was pretty sure one of them is
trans but they introduced themselves with the name we knew from high school,
so I hope they didn't feel like they had to do that with us. I can understand
wanting to not fully out yourself to old classmates, but I still hope we
didn't make them feel out of place.
Other than that, we stayed for around 45 minutes total at the festival and
then got back in the car and came home.
A friend is back in town for the day (different than the one I do game nights
with once a week), so we went to a coffee shop and caught up. This is the one
I came out to a few weeks ago, so we got to talking about Pride and
everything, and it was nice to get to talk about some of this stuff with
someone in person.
He brought up a good point: I don't really have any trans friends IRL. I used
to but now I really don't and a part of me finds that a little sad. Not so
much because I need to surround myself with other trans people and make
everything about being trans, but that I'd like to be there to offer support
if they wanted. Since I kind of keep holed up at home a lot, then I don't
really get a chance to fulfill that role.
Overall, I had a pretty good day. I think I'm going to go have dinner with
family at one of our favorite restaurants, so I think that will be a nice way
to close off the day.
permalink
20 june 2019
Been a little bit since I've written one of these feels entries. Guess I've
been pretty busy.
I went to my doctor yesterday as a 1 month checkup on hormones. Everything's
going well. I had the option of bumping up my dosage but I decided that, if
I'm feeling better right now, there's no need to increase it in the hopes of
feeling happier. I might as well save the dosage increases for when I'm
feeling down about the process. And besides, it gives me more time to really
come to terms with all this.
I've been feeling a little down the past week. There's still a lot of
questioning on my part. The usual "am I trans enough" or "am I a girl or am I
non-binary" and more. I've also been giving more thought to going by a
different name. Since no one liked my previous chosen name (Catherine), then I
figured I would repurpose my current name. My middle name is Christian, so I
was thinking "Kristen" would be a good fit, but that idea got shot down by my
fiancee though not for a good reason, I feel. I wonder if there's more going
on with why she doesn't like it.
Regardless, my current name is fine and pretty gender-neutral, so I'll just
stick with it.
Work has been, not really busy, but unsatisfying. I want to work on something
else because I'm tired of this project, but I really should just see it
through. I keep having to remind myself that "a little bit of work now could
mean more publications (and graduation) later" and that it's okay if I hate
the work for 2 weeks because then I don't have to think about it for a long
time. It doesn't exactly help though.
I shaved last night and have now achieved the s m o o t h. I felt pretty good
about it and had some genuine gender euphoria which has been a long time
coming. I even liked the way I looked with my breast forms/padding.
I want to go get a haircut but I don't know what to get. My fiancee got hers
cut short and I really love it. I also want to be a little careful that I
don't just get her haircut because I'm sure we'd get comments from her parents
about it.
I guess that's about it, really.
permalink
10 june 2019
Question: Why do I hate doing laundry?
Follow-up answer and question: Why does my fiancee have so many clothes?
Another question: Why am I the only one who actually does laundry,
despite not having most of the clothes?
I get that sweatshirts are nice and all, but do you really need to wear
a new one each day? I swear I've folded 8 or 9 sweatshirts so far (for
roughly a 2 week period of clothes), and I'm not even done yet.
permalink
08 june 2019
timeline
personal server
personal
Sat Jun 8 17:02:41 EDT 2019
I started going through some things in my past, writing them down, and
organizing them. I have a really hard time remembering when things happen and
second guess myself a lot. I'd like something that I can keep as a standard
point of reference for my life's events.
To that end, I've created a Gopher-accessible timeline 1. I was inspired by
a post I read the other day on Gopher 2 so I have each event as a separate
"node" and different views depending on what one wants to get info about. For
instance, there's the view of my life from the perspective of trans stuff, of
school, or of relationships.
Who knows if I'll keep it up. I'd like to, but we'll see.
I really want to spin up a personal server (again). I had one but that machine
is starting to act up and become really unreliable, and it's looking like some
of our other machines are doing the same.
One thing I have to consider is: what do I hope to get out of running my own
server? Why not just host content on various pubnixes?
I think there's a couple of answers.
I want to keep my pubnix identity separate from my main one. (Follow-up:
why do I want this? Because I'd like to talk about some personal things too).
I want to run custom web servers. (Why not just find ways to not need that?
Like I could host services on free, accessible environments if I restrict
myself a bit)
I like the idea of running my own server. (But do I? I hate when things
break and offloading the sysadmin parts to other servers would be easier on
me)
Hm. I was hoping that would convince me of getting my own server and it just
didn't. I guess I'll keep making stuff on pubnixes, but I do need to do some
degree of consolidation/interlinking between them.
I don't know if I have any updates on a personal note. I'm feeling okay today.
Not great but also not terrible, I just feel kind of content.
permalink
06 june 2019
breasts
Thu Jun 6 20:26:12 EDT 2019
So I ordered some breast forms about a week ago, and they got here
yesterday. In essence, they're fake breasts that you can fit into a
bra to help fill it out more, usually for trans women, drag queens,
or women who want to have larger breasts (and not get surgery).
I'm not sure how I feel about them.
On the one hand, if I don't look at them, they feel really good and
self-affirming. Not sure how to describe it except "they feel right."
However, every time I look at them (either by looking down or in the
mirror), they just look wrong, and more than in a "they're new and
I'm just not used to them" way.
I don't know if this is because I bought too large of a size (I bought
BB which is between B and C cups). I'm not much of a "tit person"
(as opposed to an "ass person") so maybe it's just that I don't find
them attractive personally.
My fiancee assures me that they look good and I'm inclined to believe
her, but I'm just not there yet.
I do think that they'd help me pass better in public, which is
certainly good, but I wish I could do that with smaller breasts that
I'd be more comfortable with.
Of course, none of this helps with the whole "not feeling trans enough"
thing because "I'm trans, I'm going on hormones to grow breasts! If
I don't want to grow them, then I should stop!" I know that's not
the full story, obviously. I'm trans so I want to feel comfortable
in my body and estrogen is about way more than just growing breassts.
I just don't know how I should feel about them, and maybe that's the
worst part: the not knowing.
Oh and there's one more aspect that has me worried. I think these
fakes are too big, but they're also probably close to what I'll end
up having. So it's not just that they're fake, it's also that they're
inevitable and they'll be coming in the future.
I wanna be a smol titty geeky gf but maybe the first half isn't meant
to be.
permalink
05 june 2019
shaving
game night
alcohol
Wed Jun 5 12:54:55 EDT 2019
I finally did some of the shaving that I've been wanting to
do. Basically, everything but my legs and arms are shaved and it's
pretty nice. My fiancee has a good trick for stopping razor burn that
I've been using: rub the area with a cotton ball soaked in rubbing
alcohol (I think...), let it air dry a moment, and then spray it with
unscented spray deodorant. It really works surprisingly well.
We had a game night last night with a friend (same friend from
last time). It was fun for the most part, just lasted a really long
time. We initially set out to have a reasonable end time (10:00 or
10:30pm), but when it was all said and done, it was 2 am, at which
point I was exhausted (well, I was exhausted at 11:00 but even more
so at 2:00). We've been playing a lot of Mario Kart 8 and I really
like it more each time I play. The mechanics at first felt really
off and inaccurate, but now that I know the mechanics a lot better,
I'm loving how they actually play out.
My fiancee has a problem with alcohol which in turn means that I have
a problem with it (i.e. that it affects her, affects me). Thankfully,
we're past the stage of box wines (those should just go away, they
aren't doing anyone any good). After the last box wine incident, we
both agreed that it just needs to stop completely. Of course, I'm a
bit of a pushover and wine started creeping back into use again. It
did then stay at the almost reasonable sized bottles (750 mL) but
of course, the flavor she likes is "only sold in the big (1500 mL)
bottles" so we had to get those. And then she goes and abuses it
again last night by drinking the whole thing in one night.
It's just so frustrating. I don't want to be the asshole, but I have
to be because this isn't going to stop. And that I'm a pushover
isn't going to stop either. Maybe that's the part that's the most
frustrating: that I know I'm a part of it by enabling her.
One part I really dislike is that, because of her abuse of it, I also
can't have any. I don't drink often but I do like to have a good beer
now and then. But then I feel bad because I'm telling her not to drink
but then it's okay if I drink. Well, I haven't abused it repeatedly;
I haven't lost the privilege of having it. Of course, that's not
really a positive mindset to have about the whole thing, but that's
why I'm here complaining and not complaining directly to her.
Complaining about it isn't going to help, only actually doing
something will. And I think I'm ready to just cut all alcohol out of
our house. I've tried it before, but maybe really writing it down will
help me stick to it. I'll throw out my beers, throw out vodka, throw
out wine, whatever I need to, and we'll just keep it out. Usually I
go soft and say "well it's fine if we're out, so sure, you can have
this cocktail" but I think I'm done with that too.
This whole alcohol thing can't keep being a daily occurence. If we
do have more, it's going to be a special occaision, but not until
we've really had a while away from it. Maybe that will be a month,
maybe two, I don't know.
I'm just really tired of being walked over about this and want it
to stop. I want those nice evenings where we just enjoy each other's
company, not this "how do I get drunk the fastest" thing.
And I know that one of the main reasons she drinks is that she doesn't
feel happy about how she looks, which I can relate to. But I've been
really trying to be there for her, to make her feel special so that she
doesn't feel the need to drink her bad feelings towards herself away,
and I don't know, maybe I'm just not doing a very good job of that.
permalink
02 june 2019
panic attack
nashville trip
dysphoria
Sun Jun 2 09:54:24 EDT 2019
Skipped a day because of a trip, but more on that in a moment.
2 days ago, we had my fiancee's sister over to just hang out and
play games. For the most part, I had fun and all, but when we ended
up driving somewhere to get food (and for me to run by my parent's
house to take care of the dogs while they're away), I started feeling
really bad.
I later found that it was probably a panic attack. I don't think I've
had one of those, at least not for several years. It started with my
arms aching and tingling while driving, which I figured was due to how
I was holding the wheel. Then I think the real panic started when I
was trying to figure out if I was dying or not; if the estrogen was
causing some heart issue that was making my right arm hurt. I also
started having trouble breathing and, in hindsight, absolutely was
having a panic attack.
We made it to the restaurant and ate and I started feeling a little
better, but still felt off. We had to run to Walmart and get some
things and my fiancee and her sister left me to go look at clothes or
something. I think that made it a little worse again because, in my
mind, I wanted to go look at clothes too-- if I wasn't feeling like
I was --and since they wanted to go without me, then clearly it was
because I don't belong there looking at clothes. Sure, not rational,
but then I wasn't feeling rational at the time either.
When I finally got checked out and really feeling bad, I went to go
find them so we could just leave and get out of the store, but we ran
into some old friends are started talking to them and everything had
to be put on hold for 15-20 minutes with me trying to pretend that
everything was okay.
We finally left, went to my parent's house, did everything there,
and then got back on the interstate. The drive back was miserable
and somehow got worse with every passing minute. Once we got back,
I just sat and sulked in the bedroom for an hour just staring at
Reddit and trying not to think too much.
I think I only started feeling better when everyone went to bed and
I got to just lie down and be held.
Yesterday, I went on a day trip to Nashville, TN (about a 3 hour drive)
with a good friend. It was actually a lot of fun: we got to eat some
nice ramen at a local restaurant, get some good beer, and just walk
around. We also talked a whole lot (my voice is just a little gone
today) and listen to some good music. We talked about everything from
work to politics, music, and gender. I had come out to him years ago,
but the trip also served to say "hey, I'm on hormones again" and was
good to talk about.
Then after the trip, I started getting really bad dysphoria. Something
about the combination of: being in the car for 7+ hours, being kind of
hungry, and having my fiancee and her sister trying to buy me a "coming
out" present (cute pajamas) really triggered it. I think I was still
feeling a little off from the panic attack night, which didn't help
matters. A piece of me still feels (and probably will for a long time)
that I don't belong in women's clothes, that I don't look good in them,
etc. One reason them buying me clothes has me worried is that I had
gone through the whole "buy a warddrobe from online" thing years ago
and they only made me feel worse. When the clothes don't fit really
well, it just encourages me to put myself down and feel worse. (as I
write this, I'm wearing a shirt I bought that is really tight and also
doesn't feel good; it might be one of the first ones to get donated).
I have trouble talking about dysphoria out loud, I've noticed. It's
taken a long time to be comfortable using trans words out loud and I'm
still only kind of comfortable with them. "diss-for-ee-uh" is just a
hard word, not necessarily to pronounce, but certainly to explain. How
do you explain to someone that you feel, not just ugly, but a much
deeper version of ugly? A deeper version of "not feeling right" or
"feeling immense discomfort thinking about my body"? Especially when
those don't even scratch the surface.
There's a Pride Picnic in my town today that I want to go to but I
think I might chicken or bail out on. There's an outfit that I'd want
to wear, but I don't feel very comfortable in it, at least not for
going outside. Staying inside, sure, super comfortable. But going
outside, well, I have to worry about the fact that I'm not good at
tucking, and probably won't be until the hormones have a bigger effect
on me.
Maybe I can get my gay friend to go too and that'll encourage me to
go still. Even if I don't do it for myself, I can do it for him.
permalink
30 may 2019
good sleep
work
relax
food
lost video
Thu May 30 17:36:24 EDT 2019
I think I finally got some good sleep after like a week of really bad
sleep. It was really nice and now I don't feel so exhausted. I think
this is in large part due to not having any unsaid stresses between
me and my fiancee.
I tried to get some work done earlier and it just didn't happen,
for better or worse. I ended up mostly just hanging out on cmccabe's
rawtext.club (I'm ~trnslts there) and fixing up a few of my utilities
and thinking about future projects, instead of tackling the project
that I actually have to do. Alas.
Today's mostly been another relaxing day (besides the attempt at
working). Played some more Mario Kart, did some cooking, and have
been listening to music. Now I'm back on the computer, hoping to try
working again.
I cooked some really good mashed potatoes and shredded up another
potato. I think I can use the shredded one for some potato pancakes
which I've never made before and hope to just wing it. My thinking is:
combine the (dried) shredded potato, some sausage, some onion, and a
nice knob of butter for each pancake. Cook them for a few minutes,
flip 'em, and cook for another few minutes. I should try to make a
sauce for them, maybe I can fashion a BBQ sauce.
After some conversation on IRC I wanted to share a video I really
liked and found it gone. It was AvE's "Power of the Learning Curve"
and I find it pretty motivating, but now it's gone. The idea is that
you have to embrace every part of the learning curve: the "u suc"
part, the somewhat good part, and the expert part. In terms of hours,
AvE figures that if 10k hours is the "I know everything to know
about this" limit, then the "u suc" zone takes up about 50 hours,
the middle part takes the better part of the 10k hours, and then
the last part continues indefinitely. I'm very much paraphrasing,
but I hope I can find the video again.
permalink
29 may 2019
long night
long meeting
coming out
relaxing
work
Wed May 29 23:00:12 EDT 2019
My fiancee and I had a long night last night and got to talking about a
lot of the things that needed to be said. Things like our worries for
the future, the possibility (almost guaranteed) that her family might
stop speaking to her if/when we come out to them. We talked about our
3 main options: tell her family now and potentially ruin our wedding;
never tell them/wait until it's too obvious and potentially ruin their
relationship more than if we just talked now; and not be together
which would ruin both of us. Well, that's the pessimistic view and
the one we entered the conversation with. By the end, I think we're
both on the same page that we would rather be together no matter what
and that, whatever happens happens.
She has since talked to her sister who has a much more optimistic
view of it, and I think that eased a lot of her worries.
Had a long meeting with my advisor: 2.5 hours! These are normal for
us, but apparently it's not normal for others? One of the cornerstones
of our meetings with him is that he likes to say the "joke" of:
You either need trans(actions journal papers) or be trans(gender)
[to get a job].
Of course, I'm a weenie so I didn't say anything in the meeting
(again), but it did give me the courage to come out to a good
friend and coworker. It's been a really long time since I've come
out to someone and thankfully it went well. I knew this friend was
already trans-friendly because of how they've talked about the only
(other?) openly trans girl at school.
The rest of the day was spent relaxing. I had a nice trip downtown
with my fiancee, ate some good food, got some good ice cream, and went
to a store we both like. Then we came home and played some Mario Kart
8 and relaxed.
Work reared its head again and I have more things to do (revise a
paper to submit in a handful of days) but I'm feeling okay about
it. It's not my favorite thing, but maybe this will give me enough
motivation to get other work done. At least, I hope.
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28 may 2019
last night
family
irc vs feels
game night
wedding
Tue May 28 15:19:44 EDT 2019
Last night was interesting, though not necessarily in a good way. I
had been feeling kind of bad all day and it all compounded in the
evening. I wasn't feeling very desirable or attractive, and when I
wanted to spend some time in bed with my fiancee, she declined which
made me feel worse. Then later she wanted to get in bed with me,
but I started feeling so down on myself that I needed to just lie
down alone.
I eventually came back after reassuring myself that everything's
okay and that I should go back to make her happy, but the damage
had already been done and then she felt almost the same way that I
did. That culminated in her not wanting to sleep in the bed together
and camping out on the couch in the living room.
I finally coaxed her to come back and we talked about how we were both
feeling and got a lot of things out in the open. I think we both feel
a lot better now and we are going to each try to be more forthcoming
with how we're feeling and not just default to the "I'm fine" response.
I think we're good now.
My mom called this morning. She had heard from my dad (indirectly
through my brother) that we were aiming for our wedding this year
instead of next. In all the chaos of the last week, I just forgot to
tell her and I think it made her sad. I didn't really explain much
about it except that we were busy the last two weeks and that nothing
is set in stone.
I guess I want to cement a particular idea in writing. I have a
lot of things on my mind all the time, and I very often am lost in
a fake dialogue about "well if I said this, then they'd say that"
that really doesn't see an end. Then when I'm talking to others,
I tend to just talk a lot because it's better than thinking through
conversations in my head.
From the aforementioned anxiety about talking online, I also am
worried that I take over conversations too much and so I end up keeping
a lot to myself. That's where this feels log comes in: it's a way
for me to talk as much as I want and not feel like I'm dominating the
conversation. The whole difference between a pull-based medium (feels)
vs push based (irc). It definitely helps to get a lot of this out,
just to free up space in my head.
Tonight we're probably going to host a game night. I made an awesome
pasta sauce today (what I've been making, but I added some pinot
grigio to it and it really made it great) that I want to make for
everyone. A friend is back in town and wnated to hang out which I
think will be good fun. It does mean I need to put away a lot of my
femme stuff because it's not really the time or place to bring all
that up, but I'm okay with that.
I also wanted to write my thoughts on some wedding stuff down. My
fiancee and I plan to get married October 9th of this year (Get
it? 10/9/2019, 10+9=19). She really wants a nice traditional wedding
where we don't have to worry about her family. Note: not an expensive
wedding, just a "normal" one. This means I'll be in a tuxedo and all
that. I don't think that it will bother me, but it's one reason that
we're aiming to have the wedding this year instead of next: at some
point, I probably won't feel comfortable in a tux. Right now though,
I am, and I want to make her happy and not change the future picture
of our wedding that she's been holding onto for years.
She is (and to a lesser extent, I am) not very good with change which
is understandable, so if this is something that makes her happy,
it's what we'll do.
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27 may 2019
impulse buy
sleep
relaxing
cooking
Mon May 27 15:26:48 EDT 2019
Last night before bed, I was feeling a little down. I had found a
picture of someone who had the haircut that I wanted, and for some
reason, I didn't save it. I knew wherever it was that I had found it
from "top today" or "top this week" (on Reddit) which meant I pretty
much had a day or two before it was lost forever. Worse yet, I had
gotten to it through the comments of another post. I looked for an
hour or two and ultimately didn't find it.
However! I did find a picture of someone who was wearing breast
forms and said the brand in the comments and I really liked how they
looked. So... I impulse bought a pair and a bra that they would fit
in, and they'll be getting here in a week.
I still didn't feel great but another one of those trans ASMR videos
knocked me out, because I remember the first 3 minutes but none of
the rest.
Today, my fiancee and I are just hanging out and doing nothing. One
idea was that we'd go thrift shopping but I think we both just want
to sit at home, and that's what we're doing so far. It's been nice.
Later tonight I'll probably cook something again. The onion tanglers
(which ended up just being onion rings because I cut them wrong)
turned out good. There's always a particular type of breading that
I like and that I've never pulled off before. I think I need to try
a beer batter to get it right.
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26 may 2019
last night
old scars
sleep
fiancee work
family
thrift store
cooking
Sun May 26 07:44:09 EDT 2019
Last night went alright. We ended up heating up a bunch of leftovers
and eating them which was nice. I did feel an underlying sadness but
there wasn't really anything I could do about it. I just snuggled
and felt better overall.
Before that, I realized I still have some old scars from my experiences
in online communities. One community had a guy (mentally unstable) who
once PMed me and yelled at me about something. To this day, I started
breathing heavy and getting really anxious over a simple PM. It also
is hard for me to understand/accept/deal with the idea of someone being
angry or annoyed at me, even not in a PM. That happened yesterday, due
in no part to someone being malicious. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was
benign, but it still got to me and I needed to take a break and reset.
I have a friend who tackles problems like that directly. If he's
upset by something someone says, he'll let you know. I don't really
work that way, which in some ways doesn't really help me. I'm very
non-confrontational so I'll take whichever approach means that I
don't bother anyone, often at my own expense.
Related to all this is that I've left communities in the past because
of this and have a hard time connecting with new communities. It
was really hard joining this one and I like it, so I don't want to
leave. But anytime something like this happens, it makes me want to
just discard everything and run away. But I won't.
I slept well though I don't remember falling asleep. I clearly just
passed out because I didn't charge my phone, turn on my fan, or any
of my normal "ready to sleep" routine.
My fiancee has to put in a lot of work today, from noon-9 potentially
or noon-7 a little more realistically.
While she's doing that, I'm going to go see my family before they go on
a vacation. Haven't seen them in a while and, well, a lot has changed
in the last week. No idea if I'll go through with telling them I'm back
on hormones. Not because they'd take it bad (I've done this all before)
but I guess because it gives some finality to what I'm doing? Until
now, it's just been me, fiancee, and peeps on the internet, but
once someone else knows then there will be questions, checking in,
etc. They mean well, I know, and they're all very supportive about
it all, so it's nothing to do with them, but more so with myself.
I think after I leave my family's house, I might go thrift shopping. I
want some more clothes than the few that I currently have, but I also
don't want to spend so much on expensive clothes, especially when the
used ones are just as good and maybe better (I mean, they've lasted
long enough to be donated). The thing is, I don't know what clothes
I'd even want? Like, what is fashion, because I surely don't know.
Then to round off the night, I think I'm going to try cooking some
onion tanglers. A local BBQ place has them and they're basically small
strips of onion, battered, and fried and they're delicious. I'm not
very good at frying foods, so I might try a batch before my fiancee
gets off work.
Overall, I'm optimistic about today. I think it's gonna be good.
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25 may 2019
Yesterday was fun. I cried and cried at my fiancee for like an hour,
late at night. Dysphoria stuff mostly.
And now I feel so much better. Well, not 100% but a lot better
than before. I think a lot of like was worrying me was this
lunch/dinner/swimming thing at my fiancee's house. We went to it and
it was fairly fun, really. I do like her family, I just know that
they're a little fickle: they won't hesitate to cut you out (or worse,
talk down at you) if you do/are something they don't like.
I think I'm sunburnt so I'll be dealing with that for the next few
days. It's interesting: I use to get sunburned all the time (related:
I used to go outside all the time), but I haven't been sunburned in
a while, and certainly not to the extent that I used to as a child.
Oh, yesterday I also went to the store and bought a bunch of
"self-care" (moisturizers, face washes, razors, etc). I'm liking the
stuff that I got, but especially a few things. I bought a nice, fairly
expensive men's razor for shaving my face and reducing the amount of
little cuts that I cause, and it's helped. I also got some sensitive
skin shaving cream, which is better than what I had (a menthol-y
men's shaving cream). I also now have my own face moisturizer.
I also discovered "trans ASMR" videos on YouTube. They're very
comforting because it's just someone softly telling you that everything
is going to be okay and just a whole lot of positivity. It made me
sad too but in a happy way.
And that brings us to now. I've got a slight headache from being in
the water. I probably am dehydrated, so I'll go get some water after
this. Now that I don't have to get in a pool for a while, I think I'm
going to paint my toes. I've wanted to paint them again for years now
and always held it back, and now, fuck it, I'm gonna rock them. Hell,
maybe I'll get really inspired and do my fingernails too.
(admittedly, still a little sad so we'll see where that ends up)
Oh one more thing (well, another right after this). We went on a hike
with some friends and had a great time. It's nice seeing some of them
outside of a work context. It was perhaps a little disappointing in
one regard. I was half hoping to come out, but another person ended
up going and the opportunity didn't really present itself. Ah well,
another time.
Lastly: I should maybe start making an outline for these posts. Sure,
they're mostly for me (unless someone else is getting something out
of them), but they're always a big jumble of thoughts. But I guess
that's just how it goes.
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24 may 2019
Today's going to be a day for some live-feel-blogging.
I finally got to bed around 1 am last night. Started feeling
anxious and looked at a lot of trans subreddits to try to relax
some. Eventually I guess I got tired enough to fall asleep.
I woke up about 15 minutes ago, around 6:30 am. Immediately fell
an overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread. Fiancee's still asleep,
so I just snuggled with my blanket, but that wasn't enough. Now I'm
on my computer just trying to calm down.
I don't even know what I'm anxious about (in particular: I know
there's a lot to be anxious about though). I also feel like I have
tons of energy. I feel like I could go running/exercising (or maybe
I feel like I need to do that).
It's now 12 pm. I'm at like a 40% "cry" likelyhood, which I guess
is fine.
I did go and work out for a bit and it helped. When I would start
thinking too much, I would just turn up the speed and not think
about it.
My fiancee didn't get up until around 9:30, so I was kind of lonely
for a bit, but I feel better after spending the morning with her. I'm
worried that I'm neglecting her during this time, so I should try
to make things up to her. She said she doesn't feel neglected, but
I could still make her feel special.
I just made it to the office and am just sitting around. Thankfully
no one else is here.
Welcome to 5 pm.
I don't feel sad like I did earlier, just tired and a little
demotivated.
I've been staring at this computer for hours, wasting time. I could
have been out trying to take pictures or something (or anything)
but no, I'm just here.
I did go grab some lunch (pop-tarts and nutella pretzels count,
right?) earlier with my fiancee.
I just feel like I'm not doing enough. for anyone.
I tried to make a mobile app to keep track of my mood throughout
the day at a higher granularity than just "once per day" like most
existing apps I found. I got halfway there, loaded it on my phone,
and hated it and basically trashed everything. I don't really have
an eye for design and it really shows on these kinds of projects.
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23 may 2019
Feeling a little more hopeful today. I think perhaps some of the
initial shock is gone now (only some of it, though).
I'm currently sitting at a coffee shop listening to some music. My
fiancee is out looking at potential wedding venue spots, so that's
exciting.
Took my second E pill this morning. They're weirdly sweet, which I'd
never seen referenced before. Almost like candy which I find funny.
I guess I'm feeling a little lonely today. Most of my work lately
has been remote (if I even work at all) which means I miss out on a
lot of the in-office socializing that I'm used to. At the same time,
I feel the need to avoid it right now, lest I make things weird with
trans stuff. That seems to be all I think about lately and it's come
at the cost of my real work productivity.
Speaking of work, I have so much stuff to do and I'm not really
prepared to do it. Maybe it's my insistence to say "I'm not" or
"I can't" or otherwise being negative/dismissive about getting it
done? I should probably practice some positivity with that.
Next biggest hurdle to overcome is: we have to tell my fiancee's
family. This will undoubtedly be a clusterfuck. There's a specific
set of questions that people ask when you come out to them about this
stuff, and it's never easy. I can't quite articulate what they are,
but it's things with no clear answer. Things where the only true
answer is "well, I just feel this way." (this answer never suffices,
because "why don't you do X" or "I don't know. I just don't understand
it"). I'll have to tackle that as it gets closer to time, at least
after memorial day weekend.
Only other thing: my city's Pride is June 22nd. Almost feels fitting,
really, because that will have been one month after I started
hormones. Kind of excited, kind of stressful.
My head's a big jumbled mess right now and it's making keeping a
single train of thought going pretty hard.
Damn. I wrote the above around 1 or 2 o'clock. Around 7 o'clock, I
felt the most intense need to cry that I've felt in a long time. This
is day 2.
I took my second pill this morning around 10 am.
I still feel teary and it's now 10 o'clock and I've had 2 beers.
I'm supposed to go to my fiancee's house for memorial day lunch and
dinner and I don't know if I can do it. /what if i cry/
Also, I do think I'll probably end up crying tonight. It just seems
inevitable. I've been at the edge of bawling my eyes out for hours now,
fighting back tears, doing the heavy breathing and all. And now I'm
hope and I feel sad again.
One more thing I want to note: I was really, really cold
earlier. Around the time that I wanted to cry and I don't know
why. Reverse hot flash? Who knows.
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22 may 2019
It's been a hot minute since I've written here. A lot has happened
in the last couple of days.
I was feeling pretty bad 2 days ago (I think) which was a Monday. I
ended up talking to my fiancee and got a lot off my chest. Long story
short, she's on board with me transitioning, but for real this time.
Then yesterday, I made an appointment to talk to my doctor that I
worked with 3-4 years ago to get hormones the first time. Luckily,
I was able to get an appointment before she left for 2.5 weeks,
which is super, super lucky.
The appointment was today. We talked and after 30 minutes, I left with
the task of getting some blood work done and picking up a bottle
of estradiol.
I'm in a weird state right now. I was thinking about this and I think
a self Q&A would be best.
How are you feeling?
I dunno, you know? This is what I've been wanting and longing for
for years and now I've got it.
Well that's good right?
Of course! But...
But what?
Well, I don't know. It feels almost unfair in a way. Here I am,
getting hella lucky, doing in under an hour what most other trans
women struggle to get for years. And I guess I just feel like I don't
deserve it.
Ahh, the classic "I'm not trans enough" trope.
Exactly. Like, why do I get to be graced with this? I know plenty of
other trans people that deserve it better than me.
If this happened to someone else, you would just be happy for them.
That might be true.
Then be happy for yourself.
I guess. And, I am happy for myself, but maybe just a little
melancholic. In an ideal world, I wish everyone were able to get
access to the hormones they need to be happy.
I don't really know where to go from here. I want to do more for other
people that are hurting. Not necessarily financially (ain't got no
money), but maybe I can try to be everyone's cheerleader? But maybe
I'll just annoy everyone with that, or it will feel like I'm rubbing
it in other's faces, and I don't want that.
My head feels kind of fuzzy/foggy. I seriously doubt it's the estrogen,
not yet at least, but maybe it is. It's been about 3 hours since
I took one sublingually (I learned that word recently: dissolved
under the tongue for faster absoportion, and maybe lesser impact on
your kidneys).
Also, I'm bad with date/anniversaries, but I want to make a note here:
2019 May 22 @ 15:30: I started taking 2mg of estradiol daily.
I'm very excited for the future. More than I have been in a
while. While I may be a little sad about some aspects, overall I
feel great.
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20 may 2019
I still don't really feel good. I'm looking forward to getting to
post in the "today I feel okay" thread, but I don't know when that's
going to happen.
I'm currently sitting in here in the other room, listening to my
fiancee talk to her sister. I'm stressing in here because I really
want to bring up all this trans stuff again, especially hormones, but
the last time I did this, it brought up a bunch of fears she had that
I was just using her as a stepping stone. That I would transition,
become someone she doesn't know, and then just leave her to be happy
with someone else.
I ended up just leaving it at "no, I don't want to do hormones, I
just want to be more feminine." The more I think about it, the more I
realize "yeah, that was a fucking lie." I've done this guy shit for 23
years, minus about 6-9 months when I was on hormones before getting off
of them. That was Freshman year of college, so 4 or 5 years ago
now. And I really liked it because it finally felt like I was making
any amount of progress at all.
I want to want to take care of myself. In my current state, I just
don't really care.
A lot of trans folk worry about how to get hormones. And I was
that way too. Until I finally got them and realized that, where I
currently am, I can get them easily. And I feel like it's haunted
me since then. In the back of my mind "you could, like next week,
be taking some pills and be back on the rails again."
There is at least one benefit to all this waiting. I now know that
I'm comfortable getting the long term shot, rather than taking pills
daily. At the time, I went for what I felt was the "safer" option,
because it was new and what if I change my mind? Well, I don't think
I will now.
I don't know what the outcome of this will be. I need to talk about
it, so I think I will. I just hope it goes better than the last time
I did this.
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19 may 2019
Woweee another day, still feeling bad!
I've taken two really long showers (one last night, one today), which
usually helps a little bit. In a way it helped, because I was able to
just sit and enjoy the water, but it didn't really resolve the problem.
My fiancee knows somethings up, but I'm not ready to talk about this
stuff with her (again). She always gets so sad and I end up feeling
worse for causing her to be sad.
Sometimes I wish I could just split in 2 and leave one half here to
keep her happy and the other half to go out, be trans, and explore more
of the world. But I don't really wish that, because more than anything,
I just want to be with her. I guess I just wish that her family was
more supportive, not just of trans stuff, but of me and her too. Her
parents are the hyper-conservative, military-focused type of people.
I'm supposed to go out and see my family today. I do want to see them,
but I also just want to sit in bed and be sad (and hopefully be done
being sad).
You know that new snapchat filter thing? The female/male filters? I
thought I would be happier seeing them but somehow I feel worse. I
think that's what caused all of this.
Why'd it have to look the way it did? Hell, I would have been
happier if it just showed a picture of some anime girl and left it
at that. Instead, it was just realistic and unattractive enough to
really get to me.
Thankfully, that's a pretty common reaction to it, so maybe the filter
is just bugged. I really hope so.
Regardless, seeing it makes me want to shave off my beard. I started
growing it to keep my fiancee happy (she likes to play with it, and
it does make me look more handsome, but that's not really my goal,
is it?). And in a way, I do like it. But I'm ready for it to be gone.
The only trouble is that if I get it shaved off, I'll need to get a
haircut too or else I'll just look off. And then haircuts bring up
all the high school pains. All the google searches for "short girl's
haircut" that don't fit me well and make me look bad. Why can't I
just have a pixie and not look like shit?
I'm ready for it to be tomorrow. I just want to sleep the day away.
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18 may 2019
I don't know how to start this off.
I've been down the past few days. Trans stuff. I'm not really in a
position where I can actually go forward with any of this. My partner
is supportive, but her family isn't, and my boss isn't (coworkers
are fine with it, though they don't know about me).
I guess I'm just looking for an outlet: a way to say things that
can't tie back to me. Some place to just scream into the void so I
can carry on how I normally am.
Things are generally going well for me. Why is it that I keep feeling
bad and making myself feel worse? I see trans stuff online, I connect
to it, but I can't go through with any of it.
It's hard looking in the mirror and seeing me looking back.
I went through with all this stuff years ago. I felt happy about it and
still feel it was the right call. My partner and I made the decision
to leave it be, to not continue with the hormones, so that things
would be easier between us. I also still agree with that decision. At
the same time, I'm left wanting more. If I weren't with her, I'd
probably be moving forward with this stuff, but I don't want to be
without her.
Don't get me wrong, there's no animosity towards her, nothing but
love. I figure it's just a "grass is greener" situation: "I'm sad;
I don't like myself; of course it'd be better to transition, look
at all these funny, heartwarming, and supportive things other trans
people say online." I also know that's the main trope of the whole
"egg" culture.
I guess that's why I'm here. Just some place to go to let out those
feelings and be with supportive people.
Yesterday I was ready to open this post with "I'm
trans! Trans! TRRRAAANNNSS!" and leave it at that. I'm feeling a
little more somber today.
These moments of "funk" don't last for very long -- maybe a few days
-- but they do happen with pretty high regularity. Here's to hoping
this one ends soon.
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