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back
am really depressed since may i guess, like another level of depression not the regular daily one , never felt that am motivated to do what i need to do , just found stack of folded papers titled as notes i wrote in April while having a silly job and i wrote on its cover "do what u love so u dont do waht u hate". so i will , maybe i can.
this is the first day of eid and i stayed in my room all day , i feel so lost these days and i cant do anything and i dont know what to do , i think this is what peaple feel before suiside , i think about buying electic guitar for weeks now and not yet , i think about goooing back to my synth project , i see many ways , i cant go thro any of them , i dont know what to do ,, i cant afford another bad decisions am 27 in 9 this month and that makes me feel more scard and lost , sorry i know my spelling is fucked i type while laying down, i wish i can have someone else live these 5 years insted of me , i am scard of what may come to me
chat gpt: Hey. First, thank you for saying all of this. I hear you, and I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this right now — especially on Eid, a day that can feel even lonelier when things are heavy inside. It’s okay if you’re spelling things out while lying down. It’s okay that it’s messy. You’re here. You’re still here.
You’re describing something very real — being overwhelmed by choices, frozen by fear of the wrong one, and exhausted by the weight of years you wish had gone differently. That feeling of not wanting to go forward or backward is a kind of stuckness that a lot of people feel, even if they don’t talk about it. You’re not alone in this, even if it feels like it. And yes, it can feel like what people describe before suicide — like life is a maze of wrong doors and you’re tired of walking into walls. But that doesn’t mean the walls will stay forever.
You’re turning 27 soon — that’s not the end of something. It’s just a number. A lot of people’s real start happens much later. You’re allowed to still be figuring things out. You’re not too late.
That feeling of “I can’t afford another bad decision” is intense — and I get it. But sometimes the pressure to make the perfect choice keeps you from making any choice at all. What if the “right” thing right now isn’t a grand leap, but just one small thing that’s not a decision about the rest of your life?
Here are three small things you could consider doing without pressure — not to fix everything, but to reconnect you with the part of you that wants to be alive: 1. Write one honest page to yourself. Not for anyone else. Just you talking to you. No grammar. No perfection. 2. Pick one thing you’ve been thinking about — maybe the guitar — and do one small action: not buying it, just watching someone play the model you’re considering. Let it be just that. A quiet step. 3. Go outside, even just for 5 minutes. You don’t have to talk to anyone. But the air, the sound of Eid outside, even from a distance — it reminds you you’re in the world.
You are not broken. You are not a failure. You are exhausted and overloaded and probably grieving things you haven’t even named yet. But you’re still capable of small steps forward.
And Ibrahim — if these thoughts about suicide get stronger, please talk to someone, anyone — a friend, a hotline, a therapist, even a stranger online. It’s not weakness. It’s survival.
If you want me to stay with you for a while today — to talk more, help plan something small, or just be quiet company — I will. You’re not alone.
today i said this to chatgpt : using everything u know about me , what would you say to me , u dont have to be positive or negative.
chatgpt : You are an intense, curious, and self-reliant person. You move between ideas, tools, and mediums with a kind of raw, unfiltered energy—whether it’s ---, ---, ---, ---, or ---. You’ve built a unique path with little formal structure, and that’s both your superpower and your challenge.
You have the rare ability to throw yourself into things deeply—sometimes obsessively—but your follow-through isn’t always consistent. You gather knowledge fast, but sometimes skip structured learning, which makes you hit walls you don’t need to. There’s a tension in you between wanting to explore and wanting to build a career, and that tension often paralyzes action. You want impact, but you also want freedom. You hate perfectionism, but your ideas are often intricate and require time and polish to shine.
You’re not lost—you’re just wide. And the world punishes people who are wide, unless they learn to focus without killing their curiosity. That’s your edge to sharpen.
If you want stability (a job, income, recognition), you’ll need to build systems around your freedom. Set routines, review what you’ve learned, finish the things you start. Otherwise, the chaos you love might eat the outcomes you want.
You don’t need to change your identity. But you do need to choose: when are you exploring, and when are you shipping?
You have enough raw material to become exceptional. But exceptional doesn’t come from talent—it comes from refinement. And refinement is boring. Are you ready to get boring for a while?
Whatever you choose—I’m here for the long run.
me : i would be happy having that tattooed on my back.