13 december 2023
Gratitude
- a day to hang out with J
- check-ins with Maddie
- Poke two days in a row
Tarot
- Eight of Swords
- Two of Cups
- Ten of Cups
Ouch, I was down for the count, consumed with my depression and anxiety,
unable to see a clear path out. It turns out part of the equation for
sustainable living, will come through love in my relationships. If I focus on
nourishing my relationships, that they will sustain me and lead me to an
abundant life.
permalink
12 december 2023
Gratitude
- Madison for going out grocery shopping for me this morning
- the nextcloud to kubernetes migration is going reasonably well
- still a good amount of time off to rest an recover
Tarot
- Knight of Cups
- Ten of Swords
- The Lovers
In the past I have sought novelty and desire and become restless and resentful
when boredom set in. This happened with relationships and jobs especially.
When the newness wore off, I looked for a reason to bolt.
Some of this has caught up to catch me even now. I left my team at Wikimedia
when something happened that I disagreed with rather than sticking with it
with patience, jumping quickly into a new role without the safety net of the
old team overwhelmed me and now I have to accept the consequences, rest,
relax, and prepare for what's next.
The Lover's encourage me to see what inspires me and make sustainable
connections to those things (be it people, roles, hobbies). I am reminded that
tinkering with computers is something that gets me excited and my relationship
with my partners noureshes me. Resting in those for a bit may help me gain
back my fortitude.
permalink
10 december 2023
Gratitude
- my boss for understanding needing some time off
- friends in my life who understand my depression and give me grace
- partners who support me when feeling depressed
Tarot
- IX Pentacles
- King of Pentacles
- Page of Swords
I have reached material stability by harnessing my instincts for focused
action. Sometimes I've called this "failing up", but regardless, I have worked
hard and dilligently applied myself to most jobs I've had, and its gotten me
to a place where I can rest and share my wealth.
Though I won't stop here, and the future is a little cloudy, especially with
my ongoing depression episodes. I need keep a level head, be disiplined in my
routines, rely the knowledge of professionals to continue on to more success
and stability.
permalink
29 november 2023
Affirmation
I love others well. I am loved. I am worthy of love.
Gratitude
- Maddie for reminding me about my flight this week x_x
- Therapy even though it's hard, I know it's part of what will change me for
the better
- living in Canada and universal healthcare
Tarot
Six of Cups
Though right now feels tumultuous with depression, anxiety, work, etc. My
relationships will help sustain me. Tending to them selflessly will bring me
joy and help me reflect on the good things I have.
permalink
28 november 2023
Gratitude
- my job, a place where I can make a difference even when I'm not feeling 100%
- J for playing board games with me
- Maddie for getting me groceries and a nice gift for Estelle
Tarot
Wheel of Fortune
VII Pentacles
IX Pentacles
Past: Wheel of Fortune
The past has been marked with change, and sometimes resistance to that change
has rendered tumult. Though an honest appraisal also shows that the general
trajectory has been good because I've adapted to change and thrived.
Present: Seven of Pentacles
Materially, I am at a place where I am stable. My health is good, my finances
are good, my job is good. I am not done. There is still work to do, but I can
stop for a moment and admire where I've come.
Future: Nine of Pentacle
A suggestion: there is prosperity in my future as, but I need to tame the
falcon first. I think the falcon represents my depression and anxiety. I've
let them run the show in the last few years. While there is some parts that
are out of my control (you really can't control a falcon completely), it is in
my power to tame and harness it and thus be able to reap the bounty around me.
permalink
27 november 2023
Gratitude
- some time to work on server stuff at home and the wherewithall to do it
- time with J and Maddie this weekend
- a nice date with June <3
Tarot
General past, present, and future reading
The World
The Star
VIII Swords
Past: The World
From the beginning my life was marked by change. I would change where I lived,
how I provided for myself, my gender, my country. My life is marked by change,
all of which has taken me on an upwards trajectory
Present: The Star
I'm currently in the midst lots of revelations that are bringing me
inspiration: a project I'm leading at work, a change in how I engage in
relationships, and how I will reach my goals of having kids. I can accept that
this is the end of dark times.
Future: VIII of Swords
Anxiety, depression, and the rumination that comes with them blind me from
the tools that I have in front of me.
permalink
23 november 2023
Gratitude
- J and Maddie for helping me find the gumption to push against the depression
- my therapist for giving me tools with which to push against the depression
- a job where my team supports me even if I'm not at 100%.
A Prayer
Help me not royally fuck up today. Help me find joy in the tasks that need
doing. Help me do the right things.
permalink
16 november 2023
Gratitude
- a day with J
- a cute date with Laura
- an evening with Maddie
Tarot
Question
I am tired today. How can I direct my energy to be helpful to others yet sustaining of myself?
Pull
Six of Cups Reversed
.-------------------.
| |
| |
| |
| .✿. |
| \_/ |
| o _/\_ |
| | ( ͡ ͜ʖ ͡) ___ |
| |-- .✿.(•ω•) |
| \ \_/ | | |
| |\___3 | | |
| | | |~~| |
| |
| .✿. .✿. .✿. .✿. |
| \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ |
| o o o o |
| | | | | |
| |
| VI |
`-------------------´
Reading
ChatGPT
The Six of Cups when reversed often suggests a disconnection from the past,
nostalgia, or possibly being stuck in bygone times. It might also indicate an
imbalance in giving and receiving. Applied to your question about directing
your energy in a way that is both helpful to others and sustaining for
yourself, especially when feeling tired, this card suggests a need to
reevaluate how you're distributing your energy between your own needs and the
needs of others.
Given your current state of fatigue, it might be wise to first focus on
self-care and rejuvenation. The Six of Cups reversed can indicate that you're
possibly giving too much to others while neglecting your own needs. Remember,
helping others effectively often starts with ensuring that you're well and
balanced yourself.
In terms of helping others, consider simple, heartfelt gestures that don’t
demand much energy but are meaningful – like offering a listening ear, sharing
a fond memory, or sending a thoughtful message. These acts of kindness can be
deeply impactful yet don't require extensive physical or mental exertion.
Overall, the card is encouraging you to find a balance where your kindness
towards others doesn't deplete your own reserves. Take time to nurture and
replenish yourself, so that when you do offer help to others, it's sustainable
and not at the cost of your own well-being.
permalink
13 november 2023
Gratitude
- a fun date night with J
- a fun date weekend with Maddie
- Estelle jumping on my hand when I put it in her cage
Tarrot
Question
What activities should I do with my free time this week?
Pull
Death Reversed
.-------------------.
| XIII |
| ______ |
| ~.___ // ✿ | |
| (X.x) // ✿ ✿ | |
| / ||| //~~~~~~| |
| | \_// |
| | \__3 @@@@/\@^ |
|_( |--@@@ o | |
| \ \ `, /\| | |
| \ \ `,.) (.| |
|____|| )/ |
| |_> \\ |
| \ /\\ |
| // \\ |
| || D/ |
| || |
|-------------------|
| ɥʇɐǝp |
`-------------------´
Resistance to change, personal transformation, inner purging
Reading
ChatGPT
The Death card in tarot, especially when reversed, often symbolizes resistance
to change, personal transformation, or an inability to let go of outdated
habits or ideas. In the context of your question about how to spend your free
time this week, this card might be suggesting that you're holding onto routines
or activities that no longer serve your best interests or personal growth.
Given this interpretation, it might be beneficial to explore new activities or
hobbies that you've been hesitant to try. This could be an opportunity to step
out of your comfort zone and engage in something that challenges you in a
different way. It's about embracing change, even in small doses, and allowing
yourself to grow and evolve through new experiences.
Alternatively, the Death reversed card could also mean that it's time to
revisit old interests that you've put aside. There might be hobbies or passions
from your past that you've neglected, and now could be an opportune time to
rekindle them.
In essence, use your free time to either break new ground or revisit past
interests with a new perspective, aiding your personal growth and bringing a
sense of renewal to your leisure time.
permalink
09 november 2023
Gratitude
- my mood improving
- a good date
- getting a stuck earring out of my ear hole
Tarot
Question
How much should I be putting away each month for retirement?
Pull
Seven of Wands Reversed
.-------------------.
| |
| * |
| \ |
| /3\ ____ |
| //__\( >_<) |
| /___ \ / |
| \ \ \ |
| \ \ \ |
| * \_/ |
| / * \ * |
| / \ * \ |
| / * \ \ |
|/ | * * \ \ |
| | | | \ \|
| | | | \ |
| | | | \ |
| | | | \ |
| VII |
`-------------------´
Exhaustion, giving up, overwhelmed
Reading
ChatGPT
The Seven of Wands reversed suggests feelings of being overwhelmed, succumbing
to challenges, or a need to reassess one's current position. When it comes to
financial planning for retirement, this card might be indicating that you're
either overextending yourself or not standing your ground on your financial
plans.
The card advises you to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Are
you putting away so much that it’s causing you stress or preventing you from
meeting your current needs? Or conversely, are you not asserting yourself
enough in your financial planning, perhaps not committing to a retirement plan
as you should?
Finding a balance is key. It's important to save for retirement, but not to the
point where it significantly diminishes your quality of life now. A sensible
approach would be to evaluate your current financial situation, considering
your income, essential expenses, and lifestyle, and then determine a realistic
amount that you can save without feeling overwhelmed. It might also be wise to
consult with a financial advisor to establish a plan that is ambitious yet
sustainable, tailored to your long-term financial goals and current economic
situation.
permalink
31 october 2023
Gratitude
- AA meeting that got me feeling better
- a chill night at home
- my cell phone
permalink
30 october 2023
Values
I was given the assignment to list some of my core values. Here's a draft:
- I want to understand the world around me
- I want to be kind
- I want to be generous with my time and my things
- I want be able to provide for and take care of myself
Gratitude
- a weekend full of socialization
- a 3D printer to print stuff for Estelle
- a warm winter jacket for when it's cold
Tarot
I'm pulled between doing some more technical stuff for the team planning and
helping the team with some planning, product manager type work. What's the
best way to serve the team?
Pull
.-------------------.
| VI |
| |
| /W\ {ooooo} /W\ |
| \_(*˘ω˘*)_/ |
| ╰( \ / )╯ |
| / -o- \ |
| { } |
| ___ ♡ ♡ ___ |
| (°з°) ♡ (°ε°) |
| /()()\/ \/|_|_|\|
| \ / \ / |
| (( | | )) |
| ||| ||| |
| ||| ||| |
| b b d d |
| |
|-------------------|
| sɹǝʌol ǝɥʇ |
`-------------------´
Self-love, disharmony, imbalance, misalignment of values
Reading
Stef
This week will continue to feel a bit topsy-tervy. With different people trying
to get different things out of the team. You will likely work on that pet
project, and in the short run, the team may feel a little imbalanced because of
it. Though it might pay off.
ChatGPT
The Lovers reversed often speaks to misalignment, disharmony, or a need for
reevaluation in relationships or decisions. In the context of your question,
this could indicate that there might be a disconnect or misalignment in your
team's current workflow or roles.
Given this, it seems like stepping into a planning or product manager type role
might be more beneficial at this time. By doing so, you could help bring
clarity, direction, and better alignment to the team’s objectives and tasks.
This role allows you to foster better communication, help in decision-making,
and ensure that everyone on the team is on the same page and moving towards a
common goal.
Technical tasks are undoubtedly crucial, but the card suggests that there might
be a more pressing need for guidance and coherence in the team’s approach and
planning. Therefore, focusing on the planning and product manager-type work may
serve as a way to resolve misalignments and create a harmonious and more
efficient team environment.
permalink
25 october 2023
Gratitude
- two places to sleep
- two partners to love
- two pets to snuggle
Tarot
Question
I'm still feeling out of sorts. What's the best way to navigate the day at work, with my friends, and with my team?
Pull
.-------------------.
| |
| .____ . |
| / \|
| ✿✿ ✿✿ |
| ・*:・ ^*^*^ || |
| (/ \) (◕ @\ || |
| {-\ /-}/_/ ) || |
| ||_ / /| || |
| EE_____/ | || |
| ___/ | || |
| ( ( __ / / |
| | | / /| / |
| | | | / | |
| | | | \ |_____|
| / \ |
| |
|-------------------|
| Queen of Cups |
`-------------------´
Compassionate, caring, emotionally stable, intuitive, in flow
Cups - emotion
Queen - creative expression of power
Reading
Remember that the team is working on your idea at work. A thing that came out of your head! Lead the team with compassion and care and allow yourself to get into a flow state of progess towards the team's goals.
permalink
24 october 2023
Gratitude
- a full weekend with lots of things accomplished
- being able to get my flu and COVID vaccines for free
- working at a job where I can take it easy, if I am recovering from said
vaccines
Tarot
Question
How do I be an effective leader and co-worker today?
Pull
Ace of Pentacles Reversed
.-------------------.
| |
| .--------. |
| .´ /\ `. |
| /_____/__\_____\ |
| |`-. / \ ,-'| |
| | /-. .-\ | |
| | / ,`'. \ | |
| *\/,-' '-.\/* |
| *'.,_______,.` * |
| * * * * * *|
| * * * * * |
| * * * * * |
| * * * * *|
| * * * * |
| * * * * |
| |
|-------------------|
| sǝlɔɐʇuǝd ɟo ǝɔɐ |
`-------------------´
Lost opportunity, lack of planning and foresight
Reading
Because of your vaccine induced sloth yesterday, you are running behind and
might be playing catch up. It might feel like you've lost or are losing an
opportunity. Be prepared for such set backs. The promise of the Ace of
Pentacles, is that your time will come around again.
permalink
20 october 2023
Gratitude
- playing with Estelle
- a nice date
- working from J's
Tarot
Question
How should I approach the day?
Pull
Page of Swords
.-------------------.
| /\ |
| / / |
| *{:・}゚ / / |
| (◕‿◕) / / |
| /~*~\4--4 |
| | \ / 33 |
| \ V /V |
| >--@ |
| / \ |
| / \ |
| :--------: |
| // || |
| // || |
| // || |
| od bd |
| |
|-------------------|
| Page of Swords |
`-------------------´
New ideas, curiosity, thirst for knowledge, new ways of communicating
Reading
Today is a good day for creative thinking and learning, also for thinking of
ways the team can work together.
permalink
19 october 2023
Gratitude
- a nice date with Laura over vegan Chinese food
- a good day at work where I felt productive
- the hamster tubes! and the fact that Estelle liked them
Tarot
Question
It seems like a lot of opportunities have popped up for me to make connections
with other people. My mood seems to be leveled out, so I'm wondering if it's
wise to pursue to human connections, or focus inward instead.
Pull
Three of Pentacles
.-------------------.
| III |
| / \ |
| ./ .-. \. |
| / ( ☆ ) \ |
|/ .-.`-´.-. \|
| /\( ☆ ) ( ☆ )/\ |
| /--\`-´ `-´/--\ |
|/___ \ (✿) / \|
|(._.) \ /△\ /_ __ |
|\ //d\\▽//..(_.) |
| \ /\/ ---/--/ | |
| / \ | p__/ | |
||___| | | | |
| ||| | |\ | |
| ||| | | \ | |
| bb | | \ | |
| | | \__| |
| | | dd |
`-------------------´
Teamwork, collaboration, learning, implementation.
Reading
Focus on connections with whom you can collaborate with, build with, or learn
something from. While this may be new people, it is likely that you will find
deeper connection with your partners, friends, and teammates.
permalink
18 october 2023
Gratitude
- dinner with J
- my sponsee for picking up the Tuesday tech work
- some flirty chats online with the cuties
Tarot
Question
I have a friend who is having a hard time at work, and I'm afraid management isn't giving them a fair shake. What's the best way to support them?
Pull
Five of Wands
.-------------------.
| * V |
| | |
| | * |
| *() | |
| * \|_ | |
| | \ *() |
| | /\ \|/ |
| ()* / \ / |
|\|/ /\ |
| \ * * / \ |
| /\ | | |
|/ \ | | |
| ()* *() |
| _|/ \|/ |
| / \ |
| /\ /\ |
| / \ / \ |
| |
`-------------------´
Conflict, disagreements, competition, tension, diversity
Reading
Stef
There is going to be disagreement, likely between you the friend, and
management. You'll be brought into tension as you'll try to apply your values
to the situation. Remember and remind others that there is value in diversity
of thought and skills. Be prepared for an outcome that you may not agree with.
permalink
17 october 2023
Gratitude
- my calm and peaceful apartment
- the Catalyst team at work, they're all super nice
- my partners J & Maddie. I appreciate that we can talk through our
differences without raising our voices at each other
Tarot
Question
As energy is coming back. How do I strike the balance of alone and social time sustainably?
Pull
The Three of Swords
.-------------------.
| III |
| |
| |
| + |
| + | + |
| \___, | ,___/ |
| /´\ \|/ /`\ |
| | \ | / | |
| | \ | / | |
| \_ _/ |
| \_ _/ |
| \_ _/ |
| /\./\ |
| / | \ |
| / | \ |
| | |
| |
| |
`-------------------´
Heartbreak, emotional pain, sorrow, grief, hurt
Reading
Stef
You still have some wounds that need healing, so don't just go full steam ahead
into extroversion. Take time to heal and build an even stronger foundation.
It's OK if you relapse into sorrow and maybe even some depression, because
you're making a safe environment for yourself.
AI
The Three of Swords often represents heartache, separation, and sorrow. In the
context of your question about balancing alone and social time, it suggests
that there might be some emotional challenges or past hurts that are
influencing your current state of balance.
Considering this card, it might be beneficial to allow yourself sufficient
alone time to process and heal from any emotional discomfort or turmoil. This
isn’t about isolation, but rather giving yourself space to reflect and
understand your feelings better. However, be cautious not to dwell excessively
on these emotions during your alone time; use it also for activities that
nurture and soothe you.
In terms of social interactions, choose quality over quantity. Engage in social
activities that feel supportive and understanding, avoiding situations that
might amplify feelings of sadness or conflict.
Striking a balance means gently reintegrating social activities that are
uplifting, avoiding overcommitting, and allowing flexibility to retreat when
needed for self-care. Prioritize connections and activities that bring comfort
and joy, helping in the healing process, while gracefully giving yourself
permission to step back when emotional tides are high.
permalink
16 october 2023
Gratitude
- a full weekend with lots of time with J and Maddie
- a new hamster!!!!
- improved mood
Tarot
Question
This week, I'll have the choice between helping my team directly (i.e. coding)
helping through leadership (i.e. design & backlog work), or helping other
teams. How should I split my time?
Pull
Ace of Wands Reversed
.-------------------.
| * * |
| *( ) * |
| * | }/ |
| * | | * |
| \{ | __. |
| | | .( _). |
| * | / ( ( _) |
| * || * \ __ ).|
| _|p. (_ _)|
| ( |\ \ ( ))|
| (\_d )--/ __)|
| (\_d____(_) |
| (\_d ._(_ )./|
| || (__ _)_) |
| ** (__) |
| |
|-------------------|
| spuɐʍ ɟo ǝɔɐ |
`-------------------´
An emerging idea, lack of direction, distractions, delays
Reading
Stef
The ideas of the project are still emerging. Focus your efforts on helping the
team find their own directions (it's OK if it feels a bit like meandering). It
will probably be best to focus on leadership activities, but don't try too hard
to drive a specific outcome.
AI
The Ace of Wands reversed suggests that you might be feeling some uncertainty
or a lack of motivation in taking on a new beginning or pursuing an
opportunity. Given your question, this could imply that diving directly into a
new task such as coding might not be the most fruitful approach this week.
Instead, this card encourages you to reconsider where your energies would be
most valuable.
Considering the choice of leadership roles like design and backlog work, it
seems like this might be a space where you could find a more structured and
effective way to contribute. It allows for planning, organizing, and setting a
clear direction, which might help in alleviating feelings of uncertainty.
Helping other teams could also be a viable option, but the priority might be to
ensure that your direct team has a clear vision and plan moving forward. So, in
conclusion, focusing more on leadership activities like design and backlog work
seems like a strategic choice for this week.
permalink
13 october 2023
Gratitude
- mood improving at the end of the day
- the team being happy with progress and process
- nice long chats with J and Maddie
Tarot
Question
I feel fragile. Yesterdays in the morning I was feeling depressed, and in the
evening I felt almost manic. Today I'm in the middle? I feel like a ship that
just got through a storm and is unsure if it's in the eye or out of the storm
completely. How should I navigate the metaphorical waters today?
Pull
Eight of Cups
.-------------------.
| VIII |
| |
| ,-,-. |
| / (◕ω◕\ |
| \ { / |
| `-`-´ _ |
| ( )__b |
| ( ( /| |
| / \/ | |
| /___/ | |
| //b |
| \_/ \_/ b \_/ |
| o o o |
| | | | |
|\_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/|
| o o o o o |
| | | | | | |
| |
`-------------------´
Disappointment, abandonment, withdrawal, escapism.
Reading
Stef
It's ok today to withdraw and escape. You'll feel like your abandoning your
post and disappointing those around you, but you're really recouping your
strength, so that you can accomplish your goals next week.
ChatGPT
Eight of Cups in tarot typically signifies walking away or abandoning
something that no longer serves you. It’s about leaving behind a situation,
relationship, or emotional state that doesn’t bring fulfillment or happiness.
Even though the cups are neatly stacked and seemingly in order, the figure in
the card chooses to walk away, indicating that sometimes it's necessary to let
go even when there's emotional investment involved. This may relate to your
current emotional state where you're feeling fragile and are going through
different emotional phases.
Navigating through your metaphorical waters today might involve some
reflections and decisions, considering the message from the Eight of Cups:
Reflection:
Inner Journey: Contemplate what has been causing your emotional unrest. Is
there something in your life - a habit, relationship, or situation - that is
not serving your highest good and could be contributing to your emotional ups
and downs?
Emotional Inventory: Take a moment to deeply reflect on your emotional state
without judgment. Be honest with yourself about your feelings and try to
identify any patterns or triggers.
Decision:
Choosing to Walk Away: Sometimes, walking away from what doesn’t serve you
could be an essential step towards emotional healing and stability. It might
not necessarily mean physically leaving a situation but could represent
emotionally or energetically releasing something that is detrimental to your
well-being.
Seeking Fulfillment: Explore what truly brings you a sense of fulfillment and
joy. Shift your energy and focus towards those aspects of your life, ensuring
that your actions and decisions are more aligned with what genuinely nurtures
your spirit.
Emotional Management:
Find Stability: Seek ways to ground yourself and find stability amidst the
emotional storm. This might involve implementing daily practices that promote
peace and emotional balance, like mindfulness, meditation, or engaging in
activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
Express Yourself: Find a safe and constructive way to express your emotions,
such as through journaling, art, or talking to someone you trust.
Seek Support:
Professional Help: Given the fluctuations in your emotional state, consider
reaching out to a mental health professional who can assist you in navigating
through this tumultuous period.
Community: Connect with friends, family, or a supportive community that can
provide a safe and nurturing environment for you.
Remember to navigate these waters gently, acknowledging your feelings and
practicing self-compassion. It's vital to take actions and make decisions that
prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. This metaphorical journey of
navigating through the emotional waters might bring challenges, but with
mindful approaches and support, you'll find your way to calmer seas.
permalink
12 october 2023
Gratitude
- a day with J yesterday
- a chance to get out an walk to get dinner
- watching the finale of Jetlag the Game
Tarot
Question
The emptiness has turned into depression, and now I'm facing doing my normal
activities including leading a team while going through a depressive episode.
How do I show up while still taking care of myself?
Pull
Eight of Cups Reversed
.-------------------.
| |
| ,-,-. |
| / (◕ω◕\ |
| \ { / |
| `-`-´ _ |
| ( )__b |
| ( ( /| |
| / \/ | |
| /___/ | |
| //b |
| \_/ \_/ b \_/ |
| o o o |
| | | | |
|\_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/|
| o o o o o |
| | | | | | |
| |
| VIII |
`-------------------´
Trying one more time, indecision, aimless drifting, walking away
Reading
Self
Look, it feels like you're drifting and that you're trudging through water, but
you've got it in you to try just for today to keep pressing on. It is OK if you
feel aimless today. You showed up.
permalink
11 october 2023
Gratitude
- an early night's sleep
- working at J's today
- cuddling with Apollo
Tarot
Question
How do I know when I've achieved work-life balance?
Pull
Page of Swords
.-------------------.
| /\ |
| / / |
| *{:・}゚ / / |
| (◕‿◕) / / |
| /~*~\4--4 |
| | \ / 33 |
| \ V /V |
| >--@ |
| / \ |
| / \ |
| :--------: |
| // || |
| // || |
| // || |
| od bd |
| |
|-------------------|
| Page of Swords |
`-------------------´
New ideas, curiosity, thirst for knowledge, new ways of communicating
Reading (ChatGPT)
The Page of Swords is a card of curiosity, communication, and mental energy. In
the context of your question, this card suggests several key insights:
Constant Learning and Adaptation: Achieving work/life balance might require you
to be ever-curious and adaptable. Just as the Page of Swords is eager to learn,
you might need to keep seeking information and strategies that can help you
find the balance you're striving for.
Clear Communication: One of the main tools to achieving this balance is clear
communication. If you're feeling overwhelmed or need time off, communicating
these needs effectively to peers, superiors, or family members will be crucial.
Awareness of Surroundings: The Page of Swords is known for being alert and
aware of his surroundings. In the context of work/life balance, this can
translate to being aware of the signs your body and mind are giving you. Are
you feeling constantly fatigued? Stressed? Anxious? These might be signs that
the balance is off, and adjustments are required.
Challenges Are Inevitable: The rocky terrain in the card can be symbolic of the
challenges you'll face in achieving this balance. It's a journey, and there
might be obstacles along the way. However, with a sharp mind and proactive
approach, you can navigate these challenges.
Initial Steps: Pages in tarot often indicate beginnings or early stages.
Achieving true work/life balance might be a process, and you're perhaps in the
initial stages of understanding or attaining it. It's a reminder to be patient
with yourself and to keep striving for that equilibrium.
Conclusion: To know you've achieved work/life balance, maintain a curious and
adaptable mindset, practice clear communication, stay attuned to signs from
your mental and physical well-being, and understand that this balance is a
journey, not a destination. Over time, as you grow and learn, you'll find the
harmony you're searching for. The Page of Swords encourages you to approach the
quest with keen observation, open communication, and resilience.
permalink
10 october 2023
Gratitude
- Rod for buying Thanksgiving dinner
- Danielle for hosting a girl's get ready session before the dinner
- my apartment for being a safe place to rest my head
Tarot
Question
I'm feeling empty returning to work. How do I lead the team?
Pull
Five of Pentacles
.-------------------.
| V |
| ||\ /|| |
| ||/*(☆ )*\|| |
| ||\__/\__/|| |
| ||(☆ )(☆ )|| |
| ||\__/\__/|| |
| ||(☆ )(☆ )|| |
| |/___\/___\| |
| ___ |
| ___ /(⇀_⇀)|
| (¬.¬) _/vvvv/ |
| /\vv|\__/vvvvv/ |
| //vvv/-/vvvvvv/ |
| \\vv/ /vvvvvv/ |
| /evv\ |vvvvv/ |
|/vvvv| |vvvv/ |
| b vv| b vv| |
| b b |
`-------------------´
Financial loss, poverty, lack mindset, isolation, worry
Reading
If you continue full steam ahead, you'll wind up in a bad place. The help you
need is closer than you think. Stop, rest, recharge in safe harbour before
venturing out into the cold, unforgiving outside.
permalink
09 october 2023
Gratitude
- a polycule Thanksgiving with my partners, their partners, and other metas
- a good dinner with lots of yummy food
- patience from my partner Maddie, when I was obsessing about hexaflexagons
while she was preparing the meal
Tarot
Question
I'm feeling energy debt today, like I ran the tank past empty to host the
polycule Thanksgiving. I still have plans today (AA Thanksgiving), a busy
workweek, and some dates planned. What can I do to prevent a burnout leading
to a depressive episode?
Pull
Six of Wands
.-------------------.
| VI * |
| _|_ |
| * * (*|*) |
| | | * -|- * |
| | | \ | * | |
| | | **** \ | | | |
| | | ( -) \| | | |
| | | |\ \__ | | | |
| | | | \____3 |@/\@|
| | | | | @@( o |
|_|_|_/ |@@@ \--|
| / _/\| / (.|
| / _/\ \o-o-o |
| /_/ \ \ \ |
| | | \ |
| | | / |
| c_> / |
| |
`-------------------´
Success, public recognition, progress, self-confidence
Reading
Despite feeling this way, you will continue to be successful. Have confidence
that the energy is in there (though maybe go easy on yourself and favour
progress over perfection). People will naturally flock to you and celebrate
your successes with you. Be willing to rest on these laurels for a bit to catch
your breath before charging forward.
permalink
08 october 2023
Gratitude
- having retro with J and seeing where they're at
- hanging with Maddie, getting ready for Thanksgiving
- seeing a hamster at the pet store; excited for getting one next week
Tarot
Question
How can I be a welcoming host at the Polycule Thanksgiving?
Draw
.-------------------.
|;´*`:´✿ I ´;`;✿:`:|
|✿ |_ .;|
|✿ E \ (X) ✿|
|; |\ \ ___ :|
| * \)\(◕‿◕) ;|
| | |__|\ .|
| | | | \ |
| | | | \ |
| \_/ |~~| (\ |
| o | | | q |
|(☆ )|------+ | |
|===========* | |
|_______/.✿,. | |
|✿. ||.:;:;.:.,✿,.|
|:.;✿;.,.✿:;..✿..;::|
| |
|-------------------|
| The Magician |
`-------------------´
Manifestation, resourcefulness, power, inspired action
Reading
Be ready to have a good time, and manifest good energy. Be ok being the life of
the party a bit (you are hosting it after all). Find non-traditional activities
to have fun and get people comfortable with each other.
permalink
07 october 2023
Gratitude
- got to hang out with my friend Eli for a bit
- another laser hair removal appointment; I appreciate past Stef for looking
out for present Stef
- dozens for sharing some sideload games for the Playdate. I had forgotten
that was even a thing
Tarot
Question
I've had energy to go out a meet new people recently, but I've also seen that
blow up when I run out of energy and feed depression. How should I balance
making new friends/playmates with sustaining my mental health?
Draw
Eight of Wands
.-------------------.
| VIII |
| \ \\ |
|\ \ \\ \ |
|\\ \ \\ \ |
| \\ \ \\ \ |
|\ \\ \ \\ \ |
| \ \\ \ \\ \ |
|\ \ \\ \ \\ * |
| \ \ \\ \ \\ |
| \ \ \\ \ \\ |
| \ \ \\ \ \\ |
| \ \ \\ \ \* |
| \ \ \\ \ * |
| \ \ \\ \ |
| \ \ \\ * |
| \ \ \\ |
| \ * \* |
| * * |
`-------------------´
Movement, fast paced change, action, alignment, air travel
Reading
It's OK to lean into the energy you're currently feeling. Meet new people. Keep
things light. Find people who share your values and make connection. Maybe also
reach out to your certain crush across the pond. ;)
A letter to my depressed self
Dear Stef,
Our therapist instructed me to write a letter to you when I was feeling up.
This is that letter. I've printed it off for your an put it in a safe place,
and also given it to our partners to give to you when you're depressed.
If you read nothing else, read this: it is going to get better. You will feel
like your old happy self soon enough. The worries and stressors stay around,
but your brain can compartmentalize them in a way that you're having trouble
with now, and you can chip away at them one at a time.
You've probably been taking some time off of work and isolating from your
friends as loved ones. They know you struggle with depression, and that you
hiding away for a bit is one of the aspects in an all-together great
relationship. They know you'll be back. (Though if you haven't yet already, it
might be good to have a small check-in with your partners and your boss. It
doesn't have to be big. It can even just be the word, "depression."
It might seem like things are over. That you're broken. You're not. You can
trust me because I've been there and now I'm here, and you'll be here soon
enough too. You are a kind, wonderful, and smart person. That's still true of
you now, and you'll feel that again soon. I promise.
Hang in there. Watch some Star Trek. Do that TIPP (Temperature, Intense
exercise, Paced Breathing, Progressive muscle relaxation) thing our therapist
talked about. If you can, go outside, at least to your balcony. Also, if
you're feeling up to it, write me a letter. I wanna know how you're doing.
With love,
Stef
P.S. Snape kills Dumbledore.
permalink
06 october 2023
Gratitude
- 7 years of sobriety
- had a fun spontaneous time at Oasis
- feeling the love and care from my two partners
Tarot
Question
How should I focus my energy today to stay sustainably productive?
Draw
Two of Wands
.-------------------.
| II |
| * |
| | |
| | _____ * |
| | \___/ | |
| | _ (° @@ | |
| | (_)/\ \ | |
| |___\/|| | | |
| E_____/| | | |
| | | | | | |
| | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | |
| * / | ||| | |
| \ | ||| | |
| /-| ||| | |
| |||-LL| * |
| c_d |
| |
`-------------------´
Future planning, progress, decisions, discovery
Reading
Lean into your productivity energy and follow your curiosity. It's safe to make
plans today based on what you've learned, but also try to make progress on the
stuff on your plate.
permalink
05 october 2023
Gratitude
- J, Maddie, Eli, and I all got to hang out, eat shepherd's pie, and play
Carcassonne
- mood has still been up and productive at work
- a new bench in the hallway, so that I can sit while putting on my shoes
Tarot
Question
What does it mean to be a good person today?
Pull
Queen of Swords
.-------------------.
| . |
| / \ |
| | | |
| | | |
| . ^*^*^ | | |
| |\& ◕) | | |
| |&% ⌣/ | |K |
| | | '____| |/ |
| | | \-- | | |
| | \ y___4---4 |
| | \_______E3 |
| | / ) |
| \‧͙⁺˚*・༓☾ / \ |
| \˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ | \ |
| \ ˚ ˚ | \ |
| V------V_____| |
|-------------------|
| Queen of Swords |
`-------------------´
Independent, unbiased judgement, clear boundaries, direct communication
Reading
The world will keep shifting around you. Think for yourself, and try to judge
situations as they come without bias to determine the right course of action.
Trust your judgement. It's OK to set boundaries to keep yourself safe,
especially if those boundaries are communicated with those who are likely to
run into them.
permalink
04 october 2023
Gratitude
- seeing my friend Eli visiting from out of town
- sleeping over with my partner J
- being close enough to my therapist that I could run and make part of my
appointment when I was running late
Tarot
Question
How should I balance my time between friends and work this week?
Pull
Five of Wands Reversed
.-------------------.
| * |
| | |
| | * |
| *() | |
| * \|_ | |
| | \ *() |
| | /\ \|/ |
| ()* / \ / |
|\|/ /\ |
| \ * * / \ |
| /\ | | |
|/ \ | | |
| ()* *() |
| _|/ \|/ |
| / \ |
| /\ /\ |
| / \ / \ |
| V |
`-------------------´
Inner conflict, conflict avoidance, tension release
Reading
With a variety of people coming together in your life and work ramping up, you
have some inner conflict about balance your time between the two, but it's OK
to let it go. Things are going to get done, and people are going to get taken
care of. Show up where and when you can, be yourself, and everything will be
fine.
permalink
03 october 2023
Gratitude
- got my closet organized, or at least the bins in my closet sorted
- kick-off meeting for new project went well. Folks seem to be excited
- new roommate is working out well so far
Tarot
Question
Today is the first day of the project in earnest. What can I do to help my team succeed?
Pull
Knight of Swords Reversed
.-------------------.
| | |
| | |
| | --.**~ |
| E\ /◔ | ~~~~|
| +\\__\__|/_ |
| \____ )\ |
| ^@^@@@ \E____)|
| / ◔ @@@ / \ |
| / _)_~*~/ | /|
| (..) \ / / |
| / ( / |
| ___/ / / |
| / __/ /-<__/----|
| / / / / |
| / / / / |
| |
|-------------------|
| spɹoʍs ɟo ʇɥƃıuʞ |
`-------------------´
Restless, unfocused, impulsive, burn-out
Reading
There is going to be a lot of chaotic energy as the project starts. Don't give
into impulse and "monkey-brain". Focus on doing the next right thing, and
you'll avoid burn out.
permalink
02 october 2023
Gratitude
- seeing both my partners this weekend
- the chili that J made was so good
- getting set up in the master bedroom
Tarot
Question
What kind of energy should I bring to the project, especially for its kickoff.
Pull
Eight of Swords Reversed
.-------------------.
| |
| |
| ___ |
| (=.=) |
| + /\_/\ + + |
| + ||=====|| + |+ +|
| | ||=====|| | || ||
| | |\=====/| | || ||
|+| | |====|| | || ||
| \ | | || | || ||
| |\| | || | || ||
| | \ | || | || ||
| | |\| || | || ||
| | \~db~| | | ||
| \ |
| \ |
| |
| VIII |
`-------------------´
Self-limiting beliefs, inner critic, releasing negative thoughts, open to new perspectives
Reading
You are coming into this with self-limiting beliefs and a strong inner critic,
but in reality, you have all the tools you need to succeed if you let go of the
negative thoughts and are ready to take suggestions from your team.
permalink
29 september 2023
Gratitude
- felt very on top of things at working including leading a meeting with
several managers
- met with Maddie over her break, and got to see her workin'
- Shepherds Pie for dinner :P
Tarot
Question
I'm feeling really high energy today and am conscious about becoming manic. How
do I channel my energy in a productive sustainable way?
Pull
.-------------------.
| /\ /\ |
| /wwW\ /Www\ |
| Vvw (. .) wvV |
| p|q |
| ( | ) |
| ✿✿✿✿ )|( ✿✿✿✿ |
|(✿◡‿◡) (|) (◡‿◡✿)|
|| / ____ ____ \ ||
|| \_\ / \ /_/ ||
|| \___3/ \E___/ ||
|| | || || | ||
|| | -- -- | ||
|| | | ||
|| | | ||
|| | | ||
||~~~| |~~~||
| |
| II |
`-------------------´
Two of Cups (Reversed)
Self-love, break-ups, disharmony, distrust
Reading
Now is not the time to be making a bunch of new connections. Focus inward, care
for yourself, keep yourself level.
permalink
28 september 2023
Gratitude
- camping went well. I got to build a fire and cook over it.
- J's sister was supportive of our poly relationship
- I have a job at Wikimedia that was patiently waiting for me to return
Tarot
Question
I'm feeling stretched thin today, and I'm worried I'm on the precipice of
another depressive episode. How can I use my energy today to drive back to
sustainability?
Pull
The Heirophant - tradition, conformity, morality, ethics
.-------------------.
| V |
| |
| ._o_. |
| m O_o_O + |
| (/ _(◡.◡)_ + |
| ||/ |\_/| \ | |
| /_/ o + o \E) |
| \ | |/ |
| \ + | |
| \_ | _| |
| /_ _\ |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
| |__d__b__| |
| |
|-------------------|
| The Hierophant |
`-------------------´
Reading
Find strength and stability in existing traditions and relationships. Try your
bests not to rock the boat today. Focus your energy on doing the right(tm)
thing that you already know you ought to be doing.
permalink
21 september 2023
Gratitude
- have a job where I'm working on interesting problems
- having a (temporary) roomate who I get along with so well
- friends who want to meet with me before and after the meeting
Tarot
Question
What should I do today given that I'm not feeling smart/capable enough to lead the project at work?
Draw
The High Priestess - intuitive, unconscious, inner voice
Reading
The same inner voice that's gotten you this far is still in there, even if
it's harder to hear at the moment. Slow down, reflect on what you've learned,
acquire even more knowledge to strengthen the inner voice.
permalink
20 september 2023
Gratitude
- my cold is getting better, or at least it's getting different
- I'm back involved with WaNBiTS
- this ritual is starting to stick
Tarot
Question
How should I focus my energy today to feel fulfilled while taking care of myself?
Pull
The Six of Pentacles - charity, generosity, sharing
Reading
While energy may feel low today, you are rich in other ways that I can be
generous. Today is a day to give to the friend who is strapped for cash. Offer
your house to your partner without power. Offer to do the meal prep for
camping. Check in on your work colleague who's been struggling. You don't
need to do all of these things. Any bit of charity, generosity, and sharing
you put out into the world today will make a positive difference.
permalink
19 september 2023
Gratitude
- Wikimedia for being a workplace that can accommodate me and my
neurodivergence
- having energy to get up an do work despite feeling sick
- Sam as a temporary roommate because they made me tea for said sickness
Tarot
Question
How should I focus my energy while I'm sick to stay balanced?
Pull
The Page of Wands (Reversed) - lack of direction, procrastination, creating conflict
Reading
It's hard to focus when you're sick. Some things are not going to get done
that you expect to get done. This might even make others upset, but it's
important to take care of yourself in this time. Like all things, it will
pass.
permalink
17 september 2023
Gratitude
- a nice trip to Chicago with my partner Maddie
- seeing Postal Service and Death Cab for Cutie at Riotfest
- getting lots of complements about the dress/look at Riotfest
Tarot
Question
How can I channel my energy sustainably, especially looking to avoid another
depressive episode?
Draw
The Page of Pentacles (Reversed) - lack of commitment, greediness, laziness
Interpretation
It is OK to be non-committal, greedy, and lazy in this time of recovery. Take
it easy. Have fun.
permalink
31 august 2023
Today I am grateful for:
- a friend spending the night and doing my dishes
- my new partner ring from J
- feels for making doing my therapy homework easier
permalink
30 august 2023
Today I am grateful for:
- my apartment because it's starting to feel like home
- my job because it helps me help others
- my partners because I feel supported by them
permalink
24 july 2023
I've been thinking the last couple of days about whether or not I really want
the manager position. I have not enjoyed the dynamic of my team as we've
prepared for launch. I realize this is probably true of all projects which go
to production from large institutions, you deal with "the crunch," but I don't
like what it did to me and my teammates.
Little warning bells are going off that maybe I should stay on my current
(matrixed team), and perhaps continue the march towards principal software
engineer. I have the luxury of being senior without contending with managing
people. This would be even more the case if I made it to principal. Also being
a manager with major depressive disorder is tough. The last time I started out
with it, I wound up on disability for a very major episode. Do I really want
to risk it? Maybe I should stick to being a worker amongst workers.
===
Hey Amy, I'm considering withdrawing my application for the engineering
manager position. Upon some further reflection, I feel like it might not be
the best fit for me right now.
===
On the other hand, I'm so close to the end of the interview process, maybe I
should just finish it up, gather the feedback from the interview, and see how
it lands. Leave it in the hands of my higher power. If I'm painstakingly
honest in these last rounds of interviews and I still get offered the job,
maybe it'll be alright.
permalink
20 july 2023
I've been sick the past few weeks. It's one of those head colds that moves
around: throat, then nose, then chest. I'm hoping I'm coming up to the end of
it.
I moved last weekend in the midst of the cold. I like the new place. I'm
un-nested from J now and on my own (until I find a roommate at least). I still
have a lot of furniture to buy, but I think the place is going to work out
well.
In the midst of feeling tired from the move, still having nesting things to
do, dealing with the cold, and accidentally taking a night time cold medicine
during the day time (why did they make the daytime tablets dark blue and the
nighttime white??), I had an interaction with a co-worker where I was confused
about what they were saying and asked a lot of questions around it. They took
it as me challenging them or questioning them. I have an interesting cocktail
of emotions around this: guilt for making her feel bad, frustration around the
shipping deadline, anger around the space not being safe to ask questions,
fear around being inadequate for this job, guilt around not being as present
as I'd like to be.
All these feelings are valid, but I'll focus on the one that on second blush,
looks to be a distorted thought: "anger around the space not being safe to ask
questions." I was feeling this way because I was receiving negative feedback
for an interaction that I had with her where all I was doing was asking
questions. I didn't say, "I think you're wrong, or this doesn't seem right."
She's telling me: I told her before lunch, I think the problem is with the PHP
layer. She tells me she fixed it by changing something in the Vue layer. Of
course I'm confused. I'm trying to connect the dots. I'm struggling to connect
the dots, and I sick and tired. I think I can forgive myself for asking
similar questions. In fact, in her answers she would start by saying, "again"
or "I repeat", making me feel like I should be picking up something faster
than I was.
I had a follow-up with her and I'm feeling better about it. I was able to tell
her that the phrasing, "again" and "I reiterate" made me feel dumb, I think we
both have an understanding that when the conversation is off over text, then
we should do something synchronous.
permalink
04 july 2023
My partner and I had an argument yesterday about how I wasn't being as COVID
cautious as them and that made them feel unsafe. There are a few things
wrapped up into this that I want to unpack:
- at the end of the day, what makes them feel unsafe is true for them and
not for me to debate
- part of me wonders if this is a proxy for being uncomfortable with dating
a lot of people right now as we open up into a poly relationship
- I have been very COVID cautious for the past three years, and I've
slowly been taking more risks (eating inside, being indoors without a
mask, traveling, going on dates), I don't believe the risks are reckless
If my suspicion is correct that part of this is to get me to slow down the
number of dates I'm going on, well I've even thought out loud to them that I'm
going on too many dates and it's not sustainable to keep at this pace and
balance other life commitments and work, so even though I feel a little
attacked and surprised by their remarks, we might actually be in agreement as
far as the end goes.
I do think their fear, while justified, may serve them in the long run. This
morning they texted me, "I don't want to be a sad hermit forever. I want to
get to where you are."
What do I say when we regroup and talk about this? "I'm sorry..." for what? I
suppose I am sorry for initially getting defensive and making assumptions
about why they brought this up. I'm sorry for not asking questions about what
they meant and "mind-reading" what they wanted. I want them to feel
comfortable, but I also want to live a free and happy life. If there's
somewhere we can meet in the middle, then I'm willing to work towards it.
permalink
14 may 2023
When my partner and I started dating six and a half years ago, I told them
that I wanted to adopt or foster kids when I turned 35. Their response at the
time was something like, "I'm not sure if I want kids, but if I did, I'd want
to adopt for foster." We've talked about it off-and-on, especially on my
birthday. I'm now 34, so I'm starting to do some things to get ready to
foster: researching the process, looking into getting a bigger space, talking
to people about it. Then, just this week, they dropped the bombshell: they
don't want to foster/adopt. I could always sense some hesitance in their voice
when I brought up the topic, so I can't say I'm too surprised, and I'm glad
they told me (though I wish they told me earlier.)
Now I'm at a cross-roads. Do I give up on this dream? Do I end the
relationship? Do I lean into the poly aspect of our relationship and find
someone who is interested in co-parenting?
I'm happy with the way I handled them telling me. I said, "I'm going to need
some time to think about and process this. Though I need to be honest that
this is a big deal to me and might have some impact on our relationship." They
were a little shaken up, but they appreciated my honesty and respected my
boundaries.
I think everything will work out.
permalink
04 may 2023
This has been a tough week. It started on Saturday when my dad called me and
said that my mom's dementia had gotten worse and that he needed help. I'd
normally take the train or bus to Indianapolis from Toronto, but this seemed
urgent, and a rushed to get to Indy that day on the only direct flight. This
meant cancelling an appointment with my HRT prescribing endocrinologist and
cancelling an appointment with the US Passport office to expedite an update my
name and gender on my passport before travelling for work.
I made it to Indy that day, and indeed my mom was out of sorts. She's most
likely transitioned from stage 5, moderately severe decline, to stage 6,
severe decline. She's started hallucinating kids in the house, forgets where
the washrooms are, and her confusion leads to anger. After the second night,
when she had woken me up every hour, and was getting close to wondering out of
the house while we were asleep, it was clear to me that things had escalated
beyond the capability of even two family members.
My sister had been pressing my dad for years to get in-home care; he couldn't
do this alone. I had told dad the last time I visited for a month that my mom
needed to get into assisted living ASAP. My research and talking with friends
whose parents had dementia and Alzheimer's had told me that the stages come in
sudden drops, and this would be the last window we'd have to move Mom while not
under duress. But my dad is a child of the conservative patriarchy. He didn't
want anyone else taking care of Mom but him. He was even reluctant to take my
or my sisters help.
In the time between my last visit and this visit, my mom had come up for the
wait list two times at the memory care assisted living residence up the road
from my parents house. On this visit, there would shortly be a another room
available, but it was more a expensive suite, and my dad wanted to wait until
a cheaper one came available.
This is all just background and context. I can appreciate that my dad is in
a tough position, and that he's had to take care of my mom 24/7 for the last
four-odd years while I've only been there for weekends, weeks, or months at a
time. I also understand that he is on a fixed income and has to do what is
best for both of them. I can excuse the fact that he ignored my warnings to
get her in to care at the next available opportunity, because he loves my mom
and doesn't want to let her go. But what happened next has likely put a wedge
in our relationship for the rest of our lives.
My dad, a child of the 1950s in the Southern United States and a military
officer, has always been stubborn, strict, and conservative. He has stopped
talking to me and/or kicked me out of the house twice before. Once when I
dropped out of Bible College and another time when I came out to him as
bisexual. On the other hand, he's gone through major depression with suicide
attempts, drug addiction, and emotional abuse against my mother, and not one
time did I write him off or out of my life.
I came out to everyone that I was a transgender woman by putting it in my
Christmas cards in 2020 (admittedly maybe not the most tactful mood.) I called
my dad before sending the cards to tell him personally. At the time he said,
"I'll love you no matter what, but we don't need to talk about this anymore."
I'd give that response a C-. Whenever we spoke on the phone he would call me by
my deadname and misgender me. Whenever he talked about me with others, he
would call me his son. I had been able to ignore this for a while for the sake
of helping with my mom; however, I came near to the breaking point as I was
filling out my passport information for travel using my deadname/gender
(because I missed the passport appointment to come help my dad) while hearing
him over the phone talk to his financial planner saying, "my son" is home.
I felt the need to find a way to make a gentle request for him to refer to me
as his daughter and use my real, legal name.
After the night when my mom had woken me up every hour, I was pretty frazzled.
My dad, seeing this, said maybe it was best if I went home. I reiterated my
point that this was now more than a two family member operation. A little
irritated, I said unhelpfully, "I told you that we needed to get her into
care and you passed up two opportunities since then." I then only slightly more
helpfully said, "I think you should take the offer of the suite soon to be
available, even if it's more expensive, or you should get in-home care until
she comes up again for the cheaper room. He said, "I don't know what to tell
you son." I responded plaintively, "daughter." He said, "well now I really
sorry, this conversation is over."
I went back in my room and cried. I felt that I needed to get out, but I didn't
want to abandon my mom. In the end, I accepted that my mom is ultimately my
dad's responsibility, and if he didn't want me there, I should leave. I told
him I was going to leave and he said that that would be best.
While I was waiting for a driver to come take me to a friend's house to
stay the night before starting the trek back to Toronto, something wonderful
happened. I heard my dad calling a place to set up in-home care for the hours
he was sleeping. Perhaps my presence was not helpful, but my absence would be.
On my way out the door, I said goodbye to my mom, who has long since forgotten
who I am, and asked my dad if there's anything else he'd like to talk about,
to which he said no. I can't help but thing I was saying goodbye to both of
them for a very long time, if not forever.
I'm in a different place in my life than when my dad cut me out because I
was bi. Then I needed the support of my parents to get back into school and
pay for a place to live. Now, I'm financially independent, live in a different
country, and have spiritual tools to keep myself safe in the face of
abandonment. Should my dad want to talk, I'll be there, but I don't need his
acceptance.
I want to conclude on a positive note. The friend who I stayed at after leaving
the house was a townie that I've known since high school. I actually stayed at
their mom's house. It turned out that my mom had taught their sister/daughter
(respectively) in Kindergarten. My friend's mom said that my mom was really
apprehensive about sending their child to school, but that my mom was the
perfect first teacher for them, and my mom, seeing the apprehension of my
friends mom, found ways to let to help in the classroom and be involved. That's
the kind of person my mom is. She is kind and empathetic. She is where this
kindrobot got her kindness from. She is the mom I will always remember and
hold dearly in my heart.
permalink
04 september 2022
Ugh, I am feeling sad and stressed. I'm not sure if a close friendship is
going to be coming to a close. On the one hand it might be best for both of
us, on the other hand, I know it would hurt this person, especially if it
comes out of the blue.
permalink
22 july 2022
I've been listening to the back episodes of Tilde Whirl and was reminded of
feels. I was hesitant of using feels at first because of how they were
published by default, but now that I've turned publishing off, I feel better
about feeling.
I've been receiving a lot of signs from the universe that I should be
journaling. Tilde Whirl, strangers on the bus, etc. And I do think journalling
is a valuable tool for my mental health, so here it goes. :)
The past few days I've been chased around by the thought that people don't
like me. It's something that I've struggled with most of my life. I tend to be
a "people pleaser" and thinking that I'm disliked can trigger a depressive
episode. Some things that I want to remember:
- People disagreeing with me != them not liking me.
- If someone doesn't like me, that doesn't affect my intrinsic worth.
- There are many people in the world for which I have strong indication that
do, in fact, like me.
Also today I'm finishing recompiling my resume with JSON resume schema and
applying for a position with the Toronto Public Library. It's a senior
engineering position. While I've had that title before, something about the
title "senior" brings some weight and stress to the idea of the role, and
almost makes me want to skip applying for it. But I do meet the
qualifications, and the worse they can do is not respond, so here goes
nothing.
permalink
18 october 2021
I am feeling welcomed.
permalink