04 may 2020

it turns out i feel far more exhausted and depressed than expected from my current reflexions on my job. i mean, the only "ground truth" i established is that i do not like my current job, so i feel useless, and i have nothing else to focus on such as a new goal for my career. discussing this whole thing with my coworkers feels like i am just going to put extra stress on everyone, although it is nobody's fault and i have no idea what is going to happen in the upcoming months—and they will just assault me with tons of questions that i do not have the answer for.

i am still glad that i got an extra day on the last weekend, since i tend to now take two days to recover from a work week and then i can do things. i managed to process all the anxious thoughts from thursday evening, where i ended up crying in the middle of the inght, and drew conclusions and am ready to take actions against them. it will however take a while until things do get better every day. send all the courage you want because i will need it to not break down entirely.



29 april 2020

it's been a while since i published something on here, so long that the templates completely broke on the html site. great. this new post is about to get a bit messy, because it is mostly to summarize a bunch of unorganized thoughts i had recently and possibly ask for feedback.

quarantine has made me care more about a lingering feeling i had about my job: i always felt like i am just not fit to be a web developer, but more in a philosophical way than technical. or should i say, i am no longer fit with working with today's web in general.

i guess i have a lot of luck regarding my current job: i definitely have job security because we are in france and i am a core part of the dev team, the company has great goals, we do not use buzzwords outside of jokes, i have great coworkers and there are fun dev challenges every now and then. however, recently, various events and changes in my daily work have made me reconsider whether i really wanted to keep working in this field.

one of my beliefs in software engineering is that trying to answer all of the "new" problems that software has to take in consideration, like internalization or accessibility, is made extremely hard by the current abstractions and the quasi-requirement of retrocompatibility, which is definitely exacerbated with the world wide web. i put new in quotes because those problems always existed, but they were ignored for a long time, or at least much less promoted in software development courses and the community as a whole.

it is technically possible to deal with all of those issues, but most abstractions are not designed to help or enforce this, just as most abstractions hide errors and create wrong expectations for developers, like when opening a file should not raise network errors, except it might be on nfs. there are attempts to correct this, but on the topic of the web, we are still far from making exposing errors, requiring accessibility or preventing inaccessibility, etc. a standard.

in short, i don't want to work with the modern web. i also don't want to do mobile apps, because of all the issues you probably already heard about the whole mobile ecosystem like walled gardens and such. my current job shows me how bad the "cloud" is and how i do not want to get involved in devops, and same goes for frontend stuff. native GUIs are hard on linux, and video games or embedded systems are completely out of my current knowledge. that leaves pretty much nothing of the current software development job markets, at least where i am.

more personally, this means i want to work mostly on command-line stuff, and on things that work primarily for myself and can avoid most of the general issues of computers and software. things with the good old KISS principle. tools that have an actual impact on what i do, and not just something i do for work.
i don't really want to work in software developement in general.

for the near future, this will not change much; i am still okay with keeping my current job for a while, despite the pressure and the occasional despair from hitting one of my pain points with computers like race conditions in ajax requests combined with modern js complexity. i however do not see myself in like 10 years still working like this. i need something else.

it is okay to stay in an IT-related field as long as i get to do anything other than software developement such as writing docs. i would even be okay with having to do a little bit of code for work, like writing tests or small independent scripts—if i work on a computer i am very likely to script things to make my job easier in any domain anyway. but i could not find any technical writing jobs around here, nor even find a technical writer course like the ones i have seen some people on the town take anywhere in france.

i first thought of writing-related jobs since i do a lot of writing on my freetime, be it in my diary or on blogs, and i also generally like to write docs at work. i am doing well in english, although this might not show much in this text as i am just writing down thoughts and not writing something very well structured. i thought about translating jobs, but got contacts with some independent translators and they told me the issues that would imply about job security and salary. my best friend told me a few years before i got into computer science classes that they saw me more as a journalist than as a developer, but being a journalist is way harder than just being able to write roughly coherent text.

i only started thinking a bit about this whole topic of possibly switching my career path or goals a few weeks ago, so everything is still very blurry—but i am at least now certain that i want to stop or significantly reduce web development in my life. i just don't know what to replace it with.

i find it quite hard to find people to talk to about this, because they will either dismiss my concerns as me just being against modern technology—they would not be wrong but it goes deeper than that—or just not have any advice to give me. my few IRL developer friends tend to embrace what i want to flee from for example.

feel free to reach out to me if you have any suggestions or questions; i have a long way to go and not much resources to feed my thoughts. i am going to go take a little nap before going back to another day of working from home, cursing at javascript or at each slack notification and feeling lost in this world.



07 february 2020

this morning, i imagined my life as if i was stuck in some kind of crossing. Lots of paths, corresponding to progress in each part of my life (work, home, each project, family, etc.), all of them starting from where I am.

Those paths all have a problem: there are blocked by mountains. Dozens of Everests all along each path. This is how every obstacle in my life, no matter what size it is, feels like right now.

Sure, I could make to-do lists, set goals, etc. and maybe overcome one obstacle; but if I take a single second to rest, to take care of myself, the obstacle immediately appears. It feels like I need to remove my feelings, to ignore any fatigue, anything, just to get anything done.

Another important thing in my metaphor is how I feel like I can't go on two different paths at once: if I want to be good at something, I need to sacrifice everything else. If I want to catch up on chores at home, I need to leave my job, get rid of all my projects, ignore my friends and family, and of course ignore my sanity. If I want to focus to my job, I have to ignore chores at home. Focusing on my family would require dropping everything else too as it means I would need to move out and get all the childhood trauma from my parents back.

I just feel stuck, everywhere. Everytime I try to ask someone for help, or talk about my issues, they end up just going away, because I can't find anyone who both understands me without making fun of me and can help me. I need someone to be stubborn enough to overcome my own negativity's stubbornness, but at the same time, getting close to someone, or opening myself up to someone, seems impossible to me.

Life just goes too fast for me. I have no idea how anyone even keeps up with that and I have no idea how I can slow this down. Every of those paths and mountains cause me anxiety. I am so tired of this.



21 november 2019

using my anxiety

it is 2:28am, and I cannot sleep. That is okay, I already slept for at least three hours earlier, after I came back home from work feeling completely exhausted and took a long nap. An hour and a half ago, my brain started thinking back about some things I felt at work, and the little reminder from my manager that I should take notes in the shared markdown file if I have anything to say for the 1:1 meeting friday. Such meetings are apparently quite common in the US, but aren't here, and getting to be heard privately for any issue regularly is nice. I have been told multiple times that I am quite lucky to be in such a small and friendly company where I am actually heard and cared about.

but many feelings from work just turn into anxiety, and my thoughts will just go out of control, making me feel bad and making me forget about the initial issue. so i tried something.

i tend to easily start fantasizing and talking to myself out loud when i am alone in a safe place. i mostly imagine myself in heroic situations; maybe that's my unconscious way of trying to boost my self-confidence—if that's the case, well, it doesn't work. anyway, i tried to picture myself talking during this meeting, and just telling my manager whatever it is that made me feel worried, angry, anxious. since it is all in my mind and nowhere i did not really hesitate to say even the most crudely worded thoughts. i hit the rewind button multiple times, saying some things again in different ways, until i ended up getting some remarks i could actually make in the real meeting. so i put them in that markdown file.

this little moment was pretty interesting because it might be one of the first cases where i managed to get something out of my anxiety. let's see the actual results on friday…

--
lucidiot



19 november 2019

Damn. Things have been quite bad recently.

I have been in yet another "crash", as I call them, except it was even harder than usual. Ten days straight of doing basically nothing; I even started hating doing any of my usual routines or picking up a pen to write anything. Even now, I still have to really force myself to pick up my pen and write thoughts down or plan things in my bullet journal.

It feels like the higher I manage to get, the harder I fall, and the harder it is to recover. I am wondering whether I should try to follow the complete opposite of my current way of thinking: do not set goals, routines or deadlines, do not quantify or track much, just live day to day and do a few things when I feel like it. And to prevent others from being disappointed, do not talk about my projects, upcoming successes, do not plan things publicly. I could still keep some of my current systems: Habitica to track the daily things I will still need to do like doing the dishes, and still reward myself if I get anything done; the bullet journal, mostly as a compilation of lists related to random projects so I can pick up tasks if I ever feel like getting something done and a log of what I did; my diary, because not writing frequently or regularly should not mean not writing at all; or the integrity report, a concept I did not talk about here but that helps me filter out tasks based on the general direction I want my projects to go like learning new things or exploring my imagination.

I think I will at least try this strategy now, until I recover completely from these past days of nothingness.

such a way of living probably would not really be fulfilling to me, but it won't disappoint me or others, nor would it make me feel overwhelmed—though work and just daily life would still do anyway.



30 august 2019

cofe

while stirring my coffee, i noticed something.

the noise of the spoon touching the inner surface of the mug while stirring is constant, but the more i stir, the higher the noise's pitch is. i am wondering if this is caused by stirring more and more (the water's inertia would change the speed of sound?), or the temperature going from "way too hot" to "slightly less way too hot", or the bits of instant coffee and sugar mixing with the water changing its physical properties.

if i ever have some time to waste, i might just look for the scientific research on that.



26 august 2019

important date

today is an important date for me. Exactly ten years ago, my best friend registered on an online forum for fans of Code Lyoko — the same forum where I would register on 5 weeks later, and where we would get to know each other. Technically, it's the reason why I'm on tilde.town: I always saw, and still see, my best friend as a model. He got me into programming, into ham radio, sci-fi TV shows like Doctor Who and Stargate, arduino stuff, and more. So today, I'm just thankful my best friend exists.


crash

I said I would be talking about it yesterday. I noticed something about how I deal with the sudden change brought by holidays after long periods of going to work every day; or more generally, how I deal with anything breaking my routine. And more precisely, how I do not deal with changes.

Holidays are good because they bring rest, obviously, but they also completely break my habits. Suddenly, I have no reason to deprive myself of sleep to wake up too early in the morning, I have no reasons to worry about trying to cook various meals because my colleagues might again make remarks about it, I no longer am obligated to have social interactions and nearly every source of anxiety goes away… Just to let some others come in. I will worry about not sticking to a routine, not being super productive (although I'm supposed to rest), etc.

I can deal with interruptions of at most 4 days judging from past experience, but anything above that and I will start to crash. The new anxiety kicks in, and at the same time I will start procrastinating, getting behind on chores, messing up my sleep and meal schedules, etc., for at least a week. It then takes me a few more days to recover, then I can start catching up and actually doing things and enjoying my vacation. What that means is getting two weeks of holidays has got to be the worst possible duration: barely enough time for me to recover, and no time to enjoy anything. Those last two weeks I spent on holidays were not fun.

It's 2:30am, but my sleep schedule is still too messed up. In a few hours, I will get back to work and face again the anxiety I get from work; impostor's syndrome, having too much to deal with simultaneously, etc., and for the next few days I will be able to keep up, until I start crashing again, except due to my work taking all of my energy away and my sleep schedule still being disastrous, it's going to last for weeks.

But I do not crash just because of going on holidays; sometimes things that make me stress just right can take me down again, even in the middle of my daily routine. Doing things that I am not used to and that requires social interactions will make me catastrophize endlessly, having to wait on someone or something to finish something gives me time to be anxious, having people count on me for something will put too much pressure on me, etc. and I will end up getting too anxious to be able to do anything, and relying on procrastination to try to ignore those worries.

I recently tried out a free Android app called Mindshift from the Anxiety Canada Association that introduces you to CBT. It's nice, although I find the interface a bit badly organized as I can never quickly find whatever I try to find in it. But I am just not sticking to it. And I noticed one of the main problems that cause my crashes is that I just entirely give up on any routine. I stop writing in my diary, I stop using this app, I stop using my bullet journal, I stop using Habitica, I just stop everything, until I end up going back to writing something in my diary, talk to myself, face my problems, realize what is going wrong, and try to somehow get out of this, slowly.

The main problem is: although I have at least a dozen ways to recover when I am not okay, I will not use any single of them, and it's going to make me feel even more miserable. And I feel like I just can't fight that.

--
~lucidiot



25 august 2019

hi there

I am getting started on converting old writings from my home-made static blog generator to feels. I will try to rewrite a new website later; I still have no real idea of what I will put in there. Same goes for the gopher site.

I spent the last ten days or so in what I call a "crash" state; might write about it later.



25 june 2018

belonging

i'm in the middle of preparing to travel a few hundred kilometers by bus, tramway, train, more train, and bus, then go back by car, train, metro, more train, and bus. This is as much of a mess as it looks like. And it's all just to have the single last exam I have to do before I finish my studies.

a few days ago, I experienced something that I think is worth being mentioned here, and as I currently am in a calm monday, probably the only day of this week that will be calm, I am now taking the time to talk about it.

as I was heading back to work on my scooter, after eating at home during lunch break, the sun shining behind me and making the street quite colorful, I realized something. I have been in this city for almost three months now. I have been very lost at first ; having to deal with my first true workplace, my first home, and a completely new city, with other friends to hang out with and things like that is hard. It took time, but most of the things are solved. The most critical things get stabilized and I slowly start to sometimes have fun.

I was in a good mood that day, mostly because of the sun, as I noticed the weather influences my mood a lot more than I thought. A surprising thought crossed my mind: for a second, just being there, riding my scooter on a not too calm but not too busy street, I felt like I belonged here. I felt like I was home.

That feeling quickly got replaced by my own surprise at my own thoughts. But now that I think about it, it's not a lie; the internship is mostly nice, I get to meet my best friend more often than ever, my parents aren't here to prevent me from making my own decisions, this city likes free software stuff, is lively and has a lot of places to calm down, etc.

I am writing this after going through a wave of anxiousness; this happens to me from time to time, mostly during the evenings. But I recently found out the main solution to this is just to stop what I'm doing and go lie in bed with my phone, browsing Reddit or Tumblr or something else, just to distract myself a few minutes, until I feel like doing something again.

the town also seems a nice place to do this. Basically, just stop doing things and take the time to consider my immediate environment. I'm in a safe place, with friends just ten minutes away, I'm handling things not too badly, and I am where I want to be.

everything is okay. I belong here. I am allowed to be happy and have fun and live my life. and you are too. because if you are reading this, I probably know you. and if I know you, I very probably love you. <3

--
~lucidiot



06 may 2018

insecure

today, I realized what was so wrong with me recently. Since I moved out of my parents' home in the beginning of April, I have been experiencing mood swings, lots of unjustified worrying, an extremely low self-esteem and self-confidence, and I have to heavily rely on kind people on Mastodon to get the motivation to even do basic self-care.

I have been scared multiple times because I was trying to ask my new cute girlfriend to be more explicit about how she loves me because I was feeling like she didn't even if I knew she loved me, and I was phrasing that so wrong that she thought I wanted to break up.

so, today, i finally managed to put a word on how I feel. I'm just insecure about every single thing. Since I have zero self-esteem and self-confidence, there is no way I can think good of anything I do myself, without the help of others ; I need others to tell me that every single thing I do, from doing the dishes or writing things, is okay.

usually, when nobody can say what they think of something, because I'm not usually telling people how I do the dishes for example, I will just shrug my worries off and keep going. But if there is just a very small sparkle of something negative, anything that can feed my brain and give me negative thoughts, then I will not be able to do anything about it.

and that's how it works with my parents. Next week, they're going to come here, and tell me that i'm not doing things the exact way they want to force me to, and I will stop doing every single thing I like, I will have to hide everything again, completely stop any feeling I have, and just be their robot. Once they leave, my current home, my new apartment, will feel as bad as my parents' home. I won't be safe in here anymore, and I won't feel comfortable doing anything that can bring joy or help me in any way.

those worries happen every single day and they get a lot more powerful whenever I am home alone, in the mornings and evenings. It makes doing anything by myself a lot harder and certainly doesn't help my progress on personal projects, on caring about myself or on doing chores.

as I am writing this, an extremely kind angel is trying to help me on mastodon. I will just send her this, because she knows about this site and because knowing someone reads what I write at least helps me not delete all of this site. Let's hope this day will go better than my usual sundays.

--
~lucidiot



21 march 2018

love

hey again town, it's been a while. i've been active on irc but i completely forgot about writing here, until someone i now care about a lot reminded me of it.

so now my dad is back since two weeks and in less than two weeks i will be six hundred kilometers away from home for four months. i'm currently getting ready for my exams, wrapping up all the school projects, and for moving out, and in the meantime, i have no idea how, but i found love.

i tend to usually always cuddle with mastodon users when i can, especially when they're not feeling okay, regardless of me knowing them or whatever they are going through, just because everyone *hugs* everyone else (after offering hugs first because we don't want to hurt you with unwanted hugs). So I ended up hugging another cutie and she was just so adorable and I followed her.

and here we go now. i told her i loved her, i told her she was awesome, and she ended up loving me too, and before i realized it we were in a relationship. falling in love is something i have never got ready in my plans for the future, like i was expecting that my previous crush would stay as my only crush. luckily it will be easy to manage with my current plans, so it's all fine.

i didn't even fully realize to what extent i needed love — and she showed it to me. i now completely depend on her, my feelings are very influenced by her well being and i can't stop thinking about her all day. i'm writing this while waiting for her to wake up and join an audio call we planned to do today, the first time i will hear her heavenly voice in real time. i'm getting way too excited.

she's in the US. i'm in france. i have no idea how all of this will be in the near future or any further, and i don't care. i'm just too happy. i'm a very rational person, and this love is completely irrational, but i just don't care. i want to live for my sweet angel.

hey you there. go find some love. it's worth it.

--
~lucidiot



27 january 2018

31 days

hey there, it's been a while. lots of things happened ; mostly about my studies and stuff, not much important. I did not really feel like sharing something here, just because I've been pretty fine. It's funny, I just realized I'm keeping this blog up only on sad times.

I'm not going to make an exception this time. My dad left for Mali mid-October since he's in the French army, and he's going back in exactly 31 days. That would be good news to a normal family, where everyone awaits to welcome the heroic soldier home. But as I said many times already, my dad isn't of the kind type.

So, that's pretty much it. I now know that I have a month left to live ; to live the way I want to live, I mean. I discovered I'm asexual, I'm currently experimenting with 'miracle morning' and I'm more motivated than ever on personal projects, I'm truly involved in all school projects (and my grades serve as proof), I've been going outside more than ever, I'm having fun doing bullet journaling, buying washi tape and pens, I'm enjoying handwriting again, and I'm even starting to be more kind to myself, all in those few months.

In just a month, I will be forced to go back to a unhealthy sleep schedule, since my dad would discover I would be trying to be a better person than him. I will also have to go back to never ever showing any emotion, I will have to always lie whenever I go out to do something (and I will not be able to go out when I want to since my dad will say he planned to go somewhere, even if we won't). I will have to hide every single piece of handwriting, every pen, every notebook, and all my online activities. I will have to hide everything I enjoy from his sight to keep being able to enjoy them.

I'm honestly scared. With what happened financially and emotionally to my mom and I because of him while he was away, and with him trying to not care about it and make it look like nothing ever happened, I am not sure anymore about being able to stand just being in the same house as his.

Whatever. I will try to not think about what will happen in a month, and instead try my best to enjoy these thirty-one days to the fullest.

--
~lucidiot



01 december 2017

unsocial

Tonight, I fucked up again.

I never felt great on Facebook because my classmates were bullying me on it, and now I feel like I'm being spied on all the time even with my new completely empty account. But I did not feel great on Twitter because sometimes, I was hurting people.

I sometimes love people. Mostly online, because I tend to be more socially active online. And I try to be kind and loving to them. To help them, even if I cannot do anything most of the time.

But the more I try to help someone, the more I tend to mess up ; sometimes, I can apologize, or they even do not notice my mistake, ignore it or correct it, but sometimes I end up just hurting people. And that is killing me.

Tonight, I hurt someone again. This time, on Mastodon.
I left Twitter because I did not feel accepted in any community, because it was very hard to find anyone who shared any of my opinions, and it is pretty much the same on Mastodon, without the ads, bad news, sexist jokes and other weird stuff. But more importantly, when I was meeting someone that was important in the middle of all this pile of shit, I went into this continuous cycle ; loving them, caring for them honestly, then messing up and hurting them. I thought this would end on Mastodon, that I would find a community where I could apologize or maybe get help. That did not work.

I have appalling social skills IRL so socializing online is my only way to stay sane, but I am going to try something. I removed all the columns from my Mastodon accounts and I will try my best for the next few days to stop all social networks, except for anything that real life may require, like talking to a classmate on Messenger.

I know this is a bad idea. I know I will end up going back to a social network because I will be the loneliest I've ever been in my life. But I'm going to try to it anyway. I will suffer, because I'm human, and humans require social contact, and I acknowledge the risks. My mood will probably worsen and I will feel bored all the time.

I thought of maybe making a diary. Like talking to some book or text document ; that would allow me to write down my thoughts, to communicate to nowhere and to still be able to pour my opinions, bad thoughts, feelings somewhere so that they stay out of my brain. Whatever, I will see what happens.

To the people on Mastodon I have loved: I love you. I still love you. I promise I did not intend to do anything to hurt you and everything I can have said to you was honest.

I will not say my decision is to protect you, because I have no right to make decisions for you. I do this for myself, because I cannot stand hurting people and ending up getting hurt every few weeks/months.

Between hurting others with egoism and hurting myself with solitude, I choose solitude.

--
~lucidiot



26 november 2017

opinions

Yesterday, I witnessed some debate that resulted in someone leaving tilde.town's IRC chat. Seeing that, I immediately disconnected from tilde.town (nobody noticed since my tmux session was still opened). Just because some people had an argument somewhere, I wanted to leave. I did not feel safe, and I'm still a bit scared to talk on the chat right now.

The things that makes me unsafe whenever I witness an argument are my own opinions. For years, whenever I've been expressing my opinions, they would get instantly crushed. If I ever tried to defend my opinions, I would always end up losing the argument, the friend, or getting punished by my parents. I've learnt by force that my opinions do not matter, they can not matter, and I'm not allowed to express my thoughts.

Whenever I express something and someone says something opposed to me, I immediately either leave the conversation or change the subject. I will never say that I am wrong or try to defend my convictions. I will just nod and apply a simple rule that anything anyone else than me says is always better than what I say or do.
When I feel like I am having too strong opinions on something, I will force myself to stop talking. Whenever there is some debate, argument or anything else I stay away as much as I can, and when someone is just expressing their thoughts I refrain from discussing if I'm not 200% sure that we share the same opinions.

Because I don't want to loose people. That's how I don't loose people.

Some classmate near me has a personality that reminds me of my father a lot, and to prevent getting into any trouble during classes (because I will always end up getting bullied or sanctioned) I just let him say whatever he wants, even insult me sometimes, and just nod along, try to forget whatever he said and go back to work.

He's bothering me a lot during practice classes, where he's just behind me and is constantly bragging about his work or speaking ill of others. Plus, he thinks we're friends, probably because I am just letting him say whatever he wants and never express my opinions.

That's how I end up never losing people; even the people I want to loose. I do not have any more strength to stand against anyone. The only thing I can do is accept whatever other people think, keep everything for me and sometimes suffer. Well, most of the time.
I can't stand communicating with other people. It's killing me.

--
~lucidiot



27 october 2017

flashes

Being scolded by my dad or the rest of family, and getting everything I enjoy shattered to pieces by them, is the main reason for my complete lack of self-confidence, self-esteem. I am never proud of myself for more than a minute and I can never assume what I do or think.

I have those things I found a name for today: flashes, or flashbacks. It happens at random times during the day, at least once per day but in some bad days more, when I'm alone. I suddenly remember some very little mistake I made and that at least 1 person noticed. For example, stumbling on a step, or breaking something. Or just misunderstanding some sentence, sustaining eye contact for more than one second, or something I did in the past and I don't do anymore. Something I will be the only one to remember because it just does not matter to anyone else.

When it happens, I cannot stop it. I try not to think about it, to find something else to focus on, but it just fails. Then, I just start to feel very insecure. I feel very shameful for something I have done years ago and that everyone has forgotten about. All I want to do is go hide somewhere and cry. Whatever I can be enjoying at the moment becomes weird and every contact with a living form makes it worse.

This morning, I managed to dodge it a bit by imagining myself explaining to one of the only two people I truly trust how and why I have zero confidence and why I keep hiding everything, then writing this little text. That will only delay the feeling and I will probably start to feel bad about something later in the day.

I will probably be regretting having created a tilde account and writing about my feelings online, just like I regret almost every single choice I have (or have not) taken in my life, and have flashes of it. I always do.

I still hope that one day, I will be able to just enjoy something, without remembering it in a bad way forever.

--
~lucidiot



24 october 2017

pretending

Again, another article on how I live with my father. Within a few days of him leaving the house, I noticed something else: I am living a life. I feel more at home when I'm at home and my mother and I are more open to each other. We're becoming an actual family with actual relationships, just the two of us.

I took the habit of locking my computer whenever my screen isn't in my field of view because of my dad, who can randomly enter my bedroom and force me to explain whatever I am doing like he is my boss and then tell me to stop everything because all I do has no value to him.

Every taste that I have. Every artist or track that I enjoy listening to. Every TV show or film I watch. Every YouTube channel or RSS feed I'm subscribed to. He constantly tries to oversee everything that I enjoy so that he can crush it entirely and make sure that I never ever like it again. I have been fighting just to be able to keep programming - which is supposed to have value, since it's making me learn for my future.

But I'm not allowed to enjoy anything that does not fit in the things he enjoy, and I must be doing whatever he is doing. As a dad, wanting your kid to discover what you are doing as a career or as hobbies is great, but not when that kid is of age and he is getting ready for exams and searching for an internship.

I am constantly pretending that I am emotionless and that I like absolutely nothing for him to let me be, at least during the very short evenings that I have during the week. Now that he left, I can have a life, have tastes, start wanting things, but more importantly, I can feel things. I can be a human.

--
~lucidiot



23 october 2017

money

This article has been written entirely using vim, thanks to the help from the awesome m455.

Money has always been a great problem with my parents. I'm not talking about praying for your mom to be kind and give you a few coins, I'm talking about my family's extremely poor financial resource management.

I have always been aware that my parents' financial situation is not really great, since I often heard my mother tell me that our account is overdrafted and that we are crushed under debts. But it's only a few days ago, when my dad left for Mali for four months, that I realised how deep we are in that shit.

We got a letter from a court telling us that our landlords filed a lawsuit against us since we had €4,000+ of rent still unpaid. We had two months to gather all of this money, pay everything, and pay the normal monthly rent with that, or in March we would be evicted.

My mother was extremely scared. She was crying. She cried all day and tried to contact my dad without much success. For a week, she hasn't slept at all, she ate almost nothing, and kept crying all the time. The only times when she was not crying were when we were busy tidying up my bedroom or any other kind of stuff that just distracts her.

The worst part of that is that it's entirely my dad's fault. We couldn't pay the rent not because we couldn't afford it, but because the bank thought we couldn't afford less than what I get as a scolarship every month. Two checks went unpaid. We went to see the two debtors of the checks and they both said there are zero unpaid checks.

This check problem started many months ago. My dad procrastinated a lot. But he promised my mom he would sort it out before leaving and he will not leave without solving this. We've been through extreme stress thanks to him.

The good thing with that is my mom has taken full control of all of our finance stuff. I'm just helping her with internet procedures, but she's managing it all. Now that my dad is not here to procrastinate important stuff, we can finally have a life. My mom managed to pay €3,100 in just a few days and we're totally gonna make it now.

I really hope this will finally be the moment where my dad realises what he has done to us since all that time. It's sad, but I really hope my parents' relationship will be weakened and that my mom will finally gather the courage to stand up against him.

A few years ago, when he went back from Tahiti, my dad brang war home with him ; he was becoming more and more of a racist, homophobic bastard. I hereby make a promise ; when he comes back, I'll bring the war. I do not give a damn fuck if he starts beating me or kicking me out of the house or whatever if that's how I can have a life.

--
~lucidiot



03 october 2017

djangosexual

This year, at school, we work "biweekly" : one week, we have classes, the other, we have projects. In groups of 2 to 4, we have a communication project, which is just organizing an event of our choice (I'll organize a geocaching event!). In the meantime, we also have a computer science project, in pairs.

My main concern with programming projects at school is the technologies we have to use ; most of the time, we have to code in some old language. Our teachers seem, like in every public programming school in France, to really love Java and J2EE. I wanted to commit suicide after discovering Android developement in Java and I couldn't get any positive comments on J2EE, so I was preparing myself to commit suicide again. But no! We got to choose our technology. We have to use a PostgreSQL database and it must be a web app, but we can build it with whatever we want. Whee!

I teamed up with that friend, the only friend I usually make in a class every year. We're both stuck together and have almost no one else to talk with at school, but we don't care. We're not best friends or very close, we just are introverts and making new contacts is hard for us. We both have some very close school paths and have a lot of things in common. One of the things we have in common is that we know HTML/CSS, JQuery, Bootstrap and PHP, so that would be our stack.

Our application is just a remake of Trainline, a French online train ticket reseller. The twist is that we have to use the actual SNCF data they share in GTFS format. SNCF's old databases aren't really fit for GTFS, which is a format designed toward urban transit more than national railroad transportation, so their files are very weirdly structured and zero documentation is available, of course.

Seeing how bad and big our data source was, I remembered how easy it was for me to use CSV stuff in Python. Since GTFS is just a bunch of CSV tables in a zip file, I wanted to use Python. I suggested we use Django instead of PHP. My friend wasn't really sure, since we both don't know about Django at all, so we just flipped a coin yesterday. Then came the struggle with pip and our school's computers' bad configuration.

Then came the struggle with VirtualBox and our school's routers cutting our Internet connections, making our computers crash instantly. I love network file systems.

Today, we managed to bring our own laptops. My Arch Linux ThinkPad was getting kernel panic attacks, so it took me half a day to finally just get a Xubuntu running on it without crashing, then we went back to learning Django.

Turns out Django, which I love to call Jenga and I have no idea why, is awesome! I am now a Djangonaut. I prefer the call Djangosexual, and I would love to flirt with some Django girls! Why, you may ask? They abstract the foreplay.

from django import Girl
from . import lucidiot
lucidiot.love(Girl.objects.all())

--
~lucidiot



24 september 2017

being sick

I am sick right now. My throat hurts, my head hurts, my back hurts, I lost my voice, am constantly thirsty but I lost all my appetite and I am coughing all the time. It's been two days now.

But this isn't by far the main problem. The problem is how my parents are dealing with this. My father thinks I'm faking it, or I'm just staying in front of my computer too often, and my mother finally agreed to give me meds an hour ago.

Yesterday evening, my father brought me by force at a concert right at the time I wanted to go to sleep. I have very sensitive ears and being sick did not help, so my head was on fire. I usually never have any right to say anything about what my father decides for me, and my loss of voice did not help either. I also got too tired to take any time to eat anything.

Today, my father forced me to go along with him to KFC. I choosed something just to try not to make him even angrier, but I was still not hungry at all and with his aggressive driving I was about to throw up. When we got back, he was getting mad a me because I was too tired and walking too slowly. He went crazy and gave me my food and kicked me out of the living room, almost punching me in the process.

Tomorrow, he's gonna pick up the laptop I found for him. I'm going to be forced to set it up entirely myself and he is going to constantly tell me he does not like it, even if it is exactly what he wanted. And I will never ever get anything as small as a "thanks".

I am on the verge of tears right now. I can't do anything to solve this, nor can I get any sort of help or comforting IRL. I'm not sure I can stand being stuck with this family any longer.

--
~lucidiot



22 september 2017

homelandless

Since Donald Trump started to make a mess on Twitter, I have heard about politics in the United States and all their global issues more than I ever did. Now that Trump is elected, I see a lot of fuss about racism, homophobia, transphobia, nationalism or patriotism. And it's hard for me to understand patriotism.

Wikipedia defines patriotism as an attachment to a homeland. Pretty straightforward. The french Wikipedia instead defines patriotisme as an individual's devotion to the country he sees as his fatherland (literal translation). Reading along the english version of the article also shows patriotism is more about a country than anything else.

I don't understand patrotism, or any form of attachment to some homeland, probably because of my past. This is the third time me and my parents moved somewhere else, and the sixth since my parents got together. It always has been in France, but we have family members in three different cities, all far from each other, and we always are too far from them too.

Moving to other cities made me loose all kinds of attachments. There's nowhere where I feel like home, outside my actual home. Currently, I am constantly taking the train to leave my current city and go to school. I sometimes feel less of a stranger when taking the train or some public transport at my school's city, since I spend more time there and I know the public transport networks much better there than where I live.

I am not even sure I know what really is feeling "at home," if it is just feeling you are in a safe place or if you have a cozy, comfy feeling. Even in my house, I know I only feel safe in my own bedroom, and nowhere else. This is probably linked to my social anxiety, but while outside, I feel much safer with friends I trust. But that still doesn't define as feeling at home.

My homelandlessness sometimes make me feel jealous of people who have lived all their childhood at the same place. I have very few memories of my previous places and in my current city I do not have any important memories either, since I have to rebuild my very small amount of friendships every time we move in another town. If I ever have kids, which I think (maybe hope?) will never happen as this would require someone to fall in love with me, I do not even know what I could tell them countless times while pipe smoking and newspaper reading while the grandkids are running around.

So, while people want to protect their homeland, their memories, their political values ; I remind myself that I have no homeland, no memories, nothing to protect. I feel like I have no past.

--
~lucidiot



21 september 2017

asexuality (2)

A few days ago, I started truly questioning my sexual orientation ; or actually, my total disinterest in sexual orientation.

It's as hard for me to explain my lack of interest in sex as it is for someone to explain to me what sexual attraction actually is, and that's why it is so hard for me to know.

So I just decided that, from now on, I am asexual, until further notice.

--
~lucidiot



20 september 2017

language

After publishing my previous text about hugs, I thought about how easy it can be for me to express my thoughts in English rather than in French, my mother language. Then, of course, it ends up being the topic of the next bit of text.

I have my main website written in French, where I will usually write funny or mildly interesting things. But I don't think that the fact that I write stuff in French is making me write more easily in English. That's probably because learning another language proves to change our view of the world, our opinions. It provides us with another medium to express thoughts, ideas, and our brain adapts to it. We think better.

I think it works pretty well on me and I have another point of view, a little bit different personality, when writing in English. I think of it as having two characters I manage outside my private life : each of them speaking a different language. In my private life, well, everything's private, so the only language is the one of my thoughts.

But the main thing that probably makes me writing personal things in English easier is probably the fact that I feel safer. All the bullying, the hating, comes from one source : French speaking people. My family speaks French, my meatspace friends speak French. I only speak English during English classes, while programming, or while connecting with others on the Internet.

Online, I can meet whoever I want and cut all links with anyone when they start making me feel bad. That's probably why I'm not really OK with having people I know in meatspace connect with me online ; I can't avoid them that easily. But for the rest, I can shelter myself from any problems. That way, I can use safe spaces online to shelter myself from some meatspace issues and find help.

I know that the Internet often is not a safe place and that I should not share private details. I acknowledge the risks. But the only true threats to me, since I'm still not in a workplace or anything, are the people I know IRL, who aren't speaking English fluently most of the time, have sometimes no idea what my nicknames are, and have no way to find out about anything I do here or on some other safe zones.

This is an extremely rare case where the French way of teaching other languages, which is horrifying, gets useful. Language barriers help me in feeling safer, and gets me to write more personal thoughts much more easily.

--
~lucidiot



19 september 2017

hugs

This morning, one of first thoughts was about getting a hug. I have not been going through any hardships today, or yesterday, and I am low on physical affection since years, so it's just a normal day. It just felt worse than usual, and I have nobody to solve this problem.

Mastodon users are awesome online huggers, just like tilde.town users, but a simple textual *hug* is worth nothing compared to an actual hug from someone you love or trust.

I constantly avoid losing myself in my thoughts, to forget about all the negativity that my brain wants me to feel. But when I'm alone, without any way to distract me properly (for example, getting very bored on a train), I get lost in my bad thoughts. And if I am not trying to tell myself I'm worthless, then I will sometimes feel lonely.

My friends are awesome, and they make very good company, most of the time. But we're not close enough or too much self-aware to hug. I have no female friends I can meet on the meatspace that could have pity when I would tell them what I think of myself or live with my parents at home and hug me. I basically have nobody to hug me. And of course, family is out of the question, since they are either dead, too far from me, or a source of anxiety.

I just need a hug. I feel like everyone I know online should get a real, physical hug. I want to feel safe. Happy. To know that I make someone else happy too. That I can make someone happy.

--
~lucidiot



18 september 2017

asexuality

A few months ago, a friend of mine had trouble with identifying himself as straight. He could not understand why people were so attracted to having sexual intercourse — in fact, he did not understand why he was not. He explained his situation on Twitter and learned about asexuality. Some time later, I saw him starting to be scared about telling his new crush he's asexual, but it all went fine and they're living happily ever after.

I was getting curious, and after a bit of thought I was concerned. I was asking myself questions about asexuality and tried asking him for help but he couldn't really answer me. I kept thinking about it, but I was at the same time a bit scared of looking for answers — I have been raised in an environment where any other sexual orientation than straight, or any difference from some 'social norm' is seen as weird, crazy or inacceptable. I dropped the subject some time later.

When I joined Mastodon, where all the usual "minorities" become the majority, I met more gay, ace, trans or pan people than I ever did in my whole life. Because of my family's culture, I was a bit scared. I knew that I could hurt them pretty easily just by saying things that could been seen as from cishets, and I just decided to let them be and go on with my own business. But I started thinking back on my questions about asexuality.

A few days ago, I added a task called "Find info on asexuality" to settle down those questions. I kept postponing it, because I was still scared, but my desire to check those little boxes won. On yesterday evening, just before going to sleep, I was googling about asexuality.

I quickly found a page that answered in about as much words as this post all of my questions. But that only raised more questions. Questions that turn out to be just one simple question, which cannot be answered with any web page.

Am I asexual?

As of now, I still have no answer. I have no idea how long it will take for me to answer this. I still think I'm heterosexual, but maybe that's only heteroromantic. I really hope that life will give me enough time to think about this thoroughly, without forcing me to postpone it again for more urgent issues.

--
~lucidiot



17 september 2017

mini-tulpas

Some times, when I'm outside (for example at school) and I need to ask someone for something, I will often get really scared. Most of the time I will just think I should not ask this because of how trivial this looks or how they can mock me for that. During those times, on the first occasion where I get a few minutes to be alone with myself, I tend to imagine myself actually asking the question to someone who could give me the answer, and I let them tell me the answer. Most of the time, those imaginary people will tell me the right answer. I feel like I am talking to a more rational part of myself, when I am getting overwhelmed with my fears.

A friend of mine described me about two years ago how he had a few people running around in his head, with their own consciousness, opinions, thoughts. They helped him go through bad moments, and I later learned that they are called Tulpas. Those little minions which you can't really control in your head are always present with you, and once they get developed enough, they can have a talk with you and help you with many things.

I like to think that the times where I ask questions in my mind and hear the rational answer are times where I have a small temporary tulpa. I wish I had enough time in my life to develop a true tulpa.

--
~lucidiot



16 september 2017

control

I think I really needed this little site. This is the second thing I'm posting today. Even on my main website, which has been up since about 5 years or so, I never wrote more than an article every three days.

Before I can just talk about my daily life and ongoing problems, I think I should first talk about my situation. Most of my problems can be easily solved if there wasn't all that context.

I learned about ADD/ADHD a few months ago, and came to the realization that I have it. Two weeks ago, I learned about social anxiety. Totally fits me too. I'll go over my anxiety today, more on ADD later.

On a daily basis, most of my social anxiety has two sources: my parents and being outside. I don't have to explain the latter for long ; I just keep thinking other people are looking weirdly at me once I'm outside and alone. With the company of a friend or anyone I can trust, I feel safe.
On the other hand, my parents are a source of anxiety that is a lot harder to avoid, control or manage.

With my discovery, yesterday, of ~xkeeper's more personal page, I have learned about what is learned helplessness, and I have once more seen that I am experiencing things that are documented ; it feels really weird to know that other people have experienced what you have been struggling with for years, and gave it a name. My learned helplessness comes from my parents. I have learned to feel completely powerless, obey to whatever my dad tells me to do and get scolded.

My mother is most of the time kind, and sometimes overprotective. But my dad, working in the military, is used to giving orders all the time, and brings those habits in the family house. My mother is often weak against that and will never try to fight back, while constantly ranting while he is at work about how he is procrastinating every important thing at home.

As for me, everything I can do is try to do whatever he says, even if I do not know how to do it and he will never teach me to do it. I will try to find a way, he will scold me for it not being the proper way, even if I do it the way he told me to do it. Simply put, every time he looks at me, I know he's going to be mad at me for any random reason his mind may invent.

I am in my second year of owning a bank account. Since two years, my dad has been stealing my credit card to use it for his own account, since he has had his credit card disabled for some no founding checks. I only got my online account details only 4 months ago, just to be forced to do my dad's accounting for him. I have no idea what I'm exactly doing, since nothing of what I see on my account's transactions make sense. It's not mine anymore. And it's one of the numerous examples of him stealing everything from me.

I constantly hide everything from both of my parents. Mostly my dad, but if I tell something to my mother, she's going to tell my dad, so both of them. I have to hide every single activity I have, every single thing I hear, watch, read, and more importantly enjoy. Whenever my dad knows I enjoy something, he will make sure that I cannot enjoy it anymore, either by trying to join in and ruin it, or simply mocking me. Every single thing I do is not worth it for him, because it is not related to what he wanted me to be : a soldier like him. But I am a pacifist, I am more scared of soldiers "protecting" us outside than terrorists, I'm not racist, I don't hate other sexual orientations. I'm his exact opposite.

I say I have ADD and social anxiety, but that's only based on reading about them, not on being properly diagnosed by a doctor ; my parents believe mental health issues are just based on the will of the person to have mental issues, and all psychologists and psychiatrists are crazier than their patients.

I cannot leave this house ; I have no resources, all my friends are too far away from me and/or cannot do anything for me, I don't know how to do anything by myself (I don't even know how to cook pasta), and leaving the house would require me to get cooperation from my parents. All I have to do is to wait for my dad to kick me out, which should happen when I get my first job, next year. Until then, I have no control over my life.

My dad will be leaving on some mission in about a month. He will leave behind all the problems he has been procrastinating on, forcing us to do everything on his behalf if we want to keep living under a roof. But finally, I will be free for a tiny bit of time.


how i found tilde

I wanted my first actual post to be about how I came to sign up to tilde.town. I did not come across any article somewhere about how a user got to join tilde in the first place, so I just wanted to make mine.

It all started... today, at about 6:20am, right before I started to get ready for another day of class. I just saw a screenshot on Mastodon (source) :

i3wm screenshot with a tilde.town SSH session opened

There was a time where I was constantly fiddling around with still alive Telnet BBSes like Vertrauen on Windows. It was interesting mostly because of the hosted files, providing my Windows 98 SE virtual machine some stuff to play around with.
Since my conversion to Linux and discovery of SSH with my Raspberry Pi, I was curious in trying out some services people could provide with SSH, like ssh-chat. So I just took note of the website's name on my bullet journal and went to class.

After going back home, and seeing the little note on my journal, I decided to look it up a bit. I read the site's news, FAQ and code of conduct, desperately attempting to understand what the hell this thing is. I started clicking on a few other links and browsed some user websites, and I stumbled upon ~xkeeper.

I have no idea who this is, but I read a big chunk of the site and realised I could use this static hosting thing to get a minimalistic website and just focused on the content, which could be about everything I can't really talk about on my current website, mostly real life stuff since people IRL know my website. I could use some anonymity for a bit.

Then I just thought that the only good way is to try it out myself, and I signed up, expecting to join it during the weekend. I didn't even have the time to eat dinner that I was already accepted. That's admin efficiency for you.
I almost immediately set up a small under construction page, which just paved the way to my current design, and went on with discovering this thing's features.

It's funny how tilde is the exact opposite of Mastodon; we have more than a thousand different instances on Mastodon, but here it is a thousand users sharing the exact same computer. And it is fun.
I have not felt safe enough yet here to join the chatroom, because I am just way too shy and anxious, but it will happen soon and I hope I will find what I hope I will find; a great community.

--
~lucidiot



15 september 2017

first text

I decided without any particular reason that what people call blog posts will be texts on this site. Just because blog posts are too mainstream, I guess. I'll be posting at completely random intervals, without any logic whatsoever, because I don't really care and that just depends on my current thoughts.

I am going to post here mostly about my mental issues (social anxiety and ADD, mostly) which I am currently discovering (I didn't know what was social anxiety two weeks ago). I will probably share my experiences and thoughts about how I live with this, and there's a lot to say about it.
I will probably rant sometimes, just to vent out some of my anger, or post extremely deep philosophical thoughts and reflections.

My extreme lack of self-confidence and self-worth make me think there's no point to do it, but if you're from tilde.town and feel like it, you can mail me at lucidiot@tilde.town. I will read mails whenever I visit, which can be in any time between one hour and one year after your mail is sent, but I will always feel compelled to answer it.
I don't feel like I should share my main e-mail for users outside tilde.town here, but you can find one of my addresses anyway if you head over to my GitHub profile.

--
~lucidiot

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