~lucidiot

homepage

2017-09-16

control

I think I really needed this little site. This is the second thing I'm posting today. Even on my main website, which has been up since about 5 years or so, I never wrote more than an article every three days.

Before I can just talk about my daily life and ongoing problems, I think I should first talk about my situation. Most of my problems can be easily solved if there wasn't all that context.

I learned about ADD/ADHD a few months ago, and came to the realization that I have it. Two weeks ago, I learned about social anxiety. Totally fits me too. I'll go over my anxiety today, more on ADD later.

On a daily basis, most of my social anxiety has two sources: my parents and being outside. I don't have to explain the latter for long ; I just keep thinking other people are looking weirdly at me once I'm outside and alone. With the company of a friend or anyone I can trust, I feel safe.
On the other hand, my parents are a source of anxiety that is a lot harder to avoid, control or manage.

With my discovery, yesterday, of ~xkeeper's more personal page, I have learned about what is learned helplessness, and I have once more seen that I am experiencing things that are documented ; it feels really weird to know that other people have experienced what you have been struggling with for years, and gave it a name. My learned helplessness comes from my parents. I have learned to feel completely powerless, obey to whatever my dad tells me to do and get scolded.

My mother is most of the time kind, and sometimes overprotective. But my dad, working in the military, is used to giving orders all the time, and brings those habits in the family house. My mother is often weak against that and will never try to fight back, while constantly ranting while he is at work about how he is procrastinating every important thing at home.

As for me, everything I can do is try to do whatever he says, even if I do not know how to do it and he will never teach me to do it. I will try to find a way, he will scold me for it not being the proper way, even if I do it the way he told me to do it. Simply put, every time he looks at me, I know he's going to be mad at me for any random reason his mind may invent.

I am in my second year of owning a bank account. Since two years, my dad has been stealing my credit card to use it for his own account, since he has had his credit card disabled for some no founding checks. I only got my online account details only 4 months ago, just to be forced to do my dad's accounting for him. I have no idea what I'm exactly doing, since nothing of what I see on my account's transactions make sense. It's not mine anymore. And it's one of the numerous examples of him stealing everything from me.

I constantly hide everything from both of my parents. Mostly my dad, but if I tell something to my mother, she's going to tell my dad, so both of them. I have to hide every single activity I have, every single thing I hear, watch, read, and more importantly enjoy. Whenever my dad knows I enjoy something, he will make sure that I cannot enjoy it anymore, either by trying to join in and ruin it, or simply mocking me. Every single thing I do is not worth it for him, because it is not related to what he wanted me to be : a soldier like him. But I am a pacifist, I am more scared of soldiers "protecting" us outside than terrorists, I'm not racist, I don't hate other sexual orientations. I'm his exact opposite.

I say I have ADD and social anxiety, but that's only based on reading about them, not on being properly diagnosed by a doctor ; my parents believe mental health issues are just based on the will of the person to have mental issues, and all psychologists and psychiatrists are crazier than their patients.

I cannot leave this house ; I have no resources, all my friends are too far away from me and/or cannot do anything for me, I don't know how to do anything by myself (I don't even know how to cook pasta), and leaving the house would require me to get cooperation from my parents. All I have to do is to wait for my dad to kick me out, which should happen when I get my first job, next year. Until then, I have no control over my life.

My dad will be leaving on some mission in about a month. He will leave behind all the problems he has been procrastinating on, forcing us to do everything on his behalf if we want to keep living under a roof. But finally, I will be free for a tiny bit of time.

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lucidiot