A few months ago, a friend of mine had trouble with identifying himself as straight. He could not understand why people were so attracted to having sexual intercourse — in fact, he did not understand why he was not. He explained his situation on Twitter and learned about asexuality. Some time later, I saw him starting to be scared about telling his new crush he's asexual, but it all went fine and they're living happily ever after.

I was getting curious, and after a bit of thought I was concerned. I was asking myself questions about asexuality and tried asking him for help but he couldn't really answer me. I kept thinking about it, but I was at the same time a bit scared of looking for answers — I have been raised in an environment where any other sexual orientation than straight, or any difference from some 'social norm' is seen as weird, crazy or inacceptable. I dropped the subject some time later.

When I joined Mastodon, where all the usual "minorities" become the majority, I met more gay, ace, trans or pan people than I ever did in my whole life. Because of my family's culture, I was a bit scared. I knew that I could hurt them pretty easily just by saying things that could been seen as from cishets, and I just decided to let them be and go on with my own business. But I started thinking back on my questions about asexuality.

A few days ago, I added a task called "Find info on asexuality" to settle down those questions. I kept postponing it, because I was still scared, but my desire to check those little boxes won. On yesterday evening, just before going to sleep, I was googling about asexuality.

I quickly found a page that answered in about as much words as this post all of my questions. But that only raised more questions. Questions that turn out to be just one simple question, which cannot be answered with any web page.

Am I asexual?

As of now, I still have no answer. I have no idea how long it will take for me to answer this. I still think I'm heterosexual, but maybe that's only heteroromantic. I really hope that life will give me enough time to think about this thoroughly, without forcing me to postpone it again for more urgent issues.