~lucidiot

homepage

2017-09-22

homelandless

Since Donald Trump started to make a mess on Twitter, I have heard about politics in the United States and all their global issues more than I ever did. Now that Trump is elected, I see a lot of fuss about racism, homophobia, transphobia, nationalism or patriotism. And it's hard for me to understand patriotism.

Wikipedia defines patriotism as an attachment to a homeland. Pretty straightforward. The french Wikipedia instead defines patriotisme as an individual's devotion to the country he sees as his fatherland (literal translation). Reading along the english version of the article also shows patriotism is more about a country than anything else.

I don't understand patrotism, or any form of attachment to some homeland, probably because of my past. This is the third time me and my parents moved somewhere else, and the sixth since my parents got together. It always has been in France, but we have family members in three different cities, all far from each other, and we always are too far from them too.

Moving to other cities made me loose all kinds of attachments. There's nowhere where I feel like home, outside my actual home. Currently, I am constantly taking the train to leave my current city and go to school. I sometimes feel less of a stranger when taking the train or some public transport at my school's city, since I spend more time there and I know the public transport networks much better there than where I live.

I am not even sure I know what really is feeling "at home," if it is just feeling you are in a safe place or if you have a cozy, comfy feeling. Even in my house, I know I only feel safe in my own bedroom, and nowhere else. This is probably linked to my social anxiety, but while outside, I feel much safer with friends I trust. But that still doesn't define as feeling at home.

My homelandlessness sometimes make me feel jealous of people who have lived all their childhood at the same place. I have very few memories of my previous places and in my current city I do not have any important memories either, since I have to rebuild my very small amount of friendships every time we move in another town. If I ever have kids, which I think (maybe hope?) will never happen as this would require someone to fall in love with me, I do not even know what I could tell them countless times while pipe smoking and newspaper reading while the grandkids are running around.

So, while people want to protect their homeland, their memories, their political values ; I remind myself that I have no homeland, no memories, nothing to protect. I feel like I have no past.

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~lucidiot