~lucidiot

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2017-10-24

pretending

Again, another article on how I live with my father. Within a few days of him leaving the house, I noticed something else: I am living a life. I feel more at home when I'm at home and my mother and I are more open to each other. We're becoming an actual family with actual relationships, just the two of us.

I took the habit of locking my computer whenever my screen isn't in my field of view because of my dad, who can randomly enter my bedroom and force me to explain whatever I am doing like he is my boss and then tell me to stop everything because all I do has no value to him.

Every taste that I have. Every artist or track that I enjoy listening to. Every TV show or film I watch. Every YouTube channel or RSS feed I'm subscribed to. He constantly tries to oversee everything that I enjoy so that he can crush it entirely and make sure that I never ever like it again. I have been fighting just to be able to keep programming - which is supposed to have value, since it's making me learn for my future.

But I'm not allowed to enjoy anything that does not fit in the things he enjoy, and I must be doing whatever he is doing. As a dad, wanting your kid to discover what you are doing as a career or as hobbies is great, but not when that kid is of age and he is getting ready for exams and searching for an internship.

I am constantly pretending that I am emotionless and that I like absolutely nothing for him to let me be, at least during the very short evenings that I have during the week. Now that he left, I can have a life, have tastes, start wanting things, but more importantly, I can feel things. I can be a human.

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~lucidiot