Tonight, I fucked up again.
I never felt great on Facebook because my classmates were bullying me on it, and now I feel like I'm being spied on all the time even with my new completely empty account. But I did not feel great on Twitter because sometimes, I was hurting people.
I sometimes love people. Mostly online, because I tend to be more socially active online. And I try to be kind and loving to them. To help them, even if I cannot do anything most of the time.
But the more I try to help someone, the more I tend to mess up ; sometimes, I can apologize, or they even do not notice my mistake, ignore it or correct it, but sometimes I end up just hurting people. And that is killing me.
Tonight, I hurt someone again. This time, on Mastodon.
I left Twitter because I did not feel accepted in any community, because it was very hard to find anyone who shared any of my opinions, and it is pretty much the same on Mastodon, without the ads, bad news, sexist jokes and other weird stuff. But more importantly, when I was meeting someone that was important in the middle of all this pile of shit, I went into this continuous cycle ; loving them, caring for them honestly, then messing up and hurting them. I thought this would end on Mastodon, that I would find a community where I could apologize or maybe get help. That did not work.
I have appalling social skills IRL so socializing online is my only way to stay sane, but I am going to try something. I removed all the columns from my Mastodon accounts and I will try my best for the next few days to stop all social networks, except for anything that real life may require, like talking to a classmate on Messenger.
I know this is a bad idea. I know I will end up going back to a social network because I will be the loneliest I've ever been in my life. But I'm going to try to it anyway. I will suffer, because I'm human, and humans require social contact, and I acknowledge the risks. My mood will probably worsen and I will feel bored all the time.
I thought of maybe making a diary. Like talking to some book or text document ; that would allow me to write down my thoughts, to communicate to nowhere and to still be able to pour my opinions, bad thoughts, feelings somewhere so that they stay out of my brain. Whatever, I will see what happens.
To the people on Mastodon I have loved: I love you. I still love you. I promise I did not intend to do anything to hurt you and everything I can have said to you was honest.
I will not say my decision is to protect you, because I have no right to make decisions for you. I do this for myself, because I cannot stand hurting people and ending up getting hurt every few weeks/months.
Between hurting others with egoism and hurting myself with solitude, I choose solitude.