~lucidiot

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2018-05-06

insecure

today, I realized what was so wrong with me recently. Since I moved out of my parents' home in the beginning of April, I have been experiencing mood swings, lots of unjustified worrying, an extremely low self-esteem and self-confidence, and I have to heavily rely on kind people on Mastodon to get the motivation to even do basic self-care.

I have been scared multiple times because I was trying to ask my new cute girlfriend to be more explicit about how she loves me because I was feeling like she didn’t even if I knew she loved me, and I was phrasing that so wrong that she thought I wanted to break up.

so, today, i finally managed to put a word on how I feel. I’m just insecure about every single thing. Since I have zero self-esteem and self-confidence, there is no way I can think good of anything I do myself, without the help of others ; I need others to tell me that every single thing I do, from doing the dishes or writing things, is okay.

usually, when nobody can say what they think of something, because I’m not usually telling people how I do the dishes for example, I will just shrug my worries off and keep going. But if there is just a very small sparkle of something negative, anything that can feed my brain and give me negative thoughts, then I will not be able to do anything about it.

and that’s how it works with my parents. Next week, they’re going to come here, and tell me that i’m not doing things the exact way they want to force me to, and I will stop doing every single thing I like, I will have to hide everything again, completely stop any feeling I have, and just be their robot. Once they leave, my current home, my new apartment, will feel as bad as my parents' home. I won’t be safe in here anymore, and I won’t feel comfortable doing anything that can bring joy or help me in any way.

those worries happen every single day and they get a lot more powerful whenever I am home alone, in the mornings and evenings. It makes doing anything by myself a lot harder and certainly doesn’t help my progress on personal projects, on caring about myself or on doing chores.

as I am writing this, an extremely kind angel is trying to help me on mastodon. I will just send her this, because she knows about this site and because knowing someone reads what I write at least helps me not delete all of this site. Let’s hope this day will go better than my usual sundays.

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lucidiot