~lucidiot

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2018-06-25

belonging

i’m in the middle of preparing to travel a few hundred kilometers by bus, tramway, train, more train, and bus, then go back by car, train, metro, more train, and bus. This is as much of a mess as it looks like. And it’s all just to have the single last exam I have to do before I finish my studies.

a few days ago, I experienced something that I think is worth being mentioned here, and as I currently am in a calm monday, probably the only day of this week that will be calm, I am now taking the time to talk about it.

as I was heading back to work on my scooter, after eating at home during lunch break, the sun shining behind me and making the street quite colorful, I realized something. I have been in this city for almost three months now. I have been very lost at first ; having to deal with my first true workplace, my first home, and a completely new city, with other friends to hang out with and things like that is hard. It took time, but most of the things are solved. The most critical things get stabilized and I slowly start to sometimes have fun.

I was in a good mood that day, mostly because of the sun, as I noticed the weather influences my mood a lot more than I thought. A surprising thought crossed my mind: for a second, just being there, riding my scooter on a not too calm but not too busy street, I felt like I belonged here. I felt like I was home.

That feeling quickly got replaced by my own surprise at my own thoughts. But now that I think about it, it’s not a lie; the internship is mostly nice, I get to meet my best friend more often than ever, my parents aren’t here to prevent me from making my own decisions, this city likes free software stuff, is lively and has a lot of places to calm down, etc.

I am writing this after going through a wave of anxiousness; this happens to me from time to time, mostly during the evenings. But I recently found out the main solution to this is just to stop what I’m doing and go lie in bed with my phone, browsing Reddit or Tumblr or something else, just to distract myself a few minutes, until I feel like doing something again.

the town also seems a nice place to do this. Basically, just stop doing things and take the time to consider my immediate environment. I’m in a safe place, with friends just ten minutes away, I’m handling things not too badly, and I am where I want to be.

everything is okay. I belong here. I am allowed to be happy and have fun and live my life. and you are too. because if you are reading this, I probably know you. and if I know you, I very probably love you. <3

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lucidiot