m455's diary

2023-11-08 #

meds log day 7 (30mg of vyvanse):

i didn't notice the meds kick in today because i slept when i got home from dropping the kid off at daycare. i took a sick day off from work because i've had a really bad persistent cough that has been super annoying, and now it's gotten to the point where i need to rest because i start to get headaches if i have too bad of a coughing fit.

basically, i was able to take a nap while on vyvanse which is nice, and i woke up clear headed, but still with a cold (obviously).

2023-11-07 #

meds log day 6 (30mg of vyvanse):

today i made sure i ate a little more for breakfast, and it seems to make the meds have a better effect on my brain, more positive at least. puts me in a better mood in general, and the focus effects of the meds seem to be more effective.

this might also be because my cold is getting better. i've had one for over a month and it has been making me feel like shit physically lol.

2023-11-06 #

meds log day 5 (30mg of vyvanse):

the effects of the medication were even more unnoticed today (the meds still, i just mean i didn't notice them come in at all, even more so than yesterday)

it's noon now, and work is going good--i'm also taking proper breaks to read or get a drink of water or whatever.

i noticed i no longer worry about it being too much effort or time to reply to people's text messages or emails, and just reply right away usually, which is really nice.

also, i still have the benefits of day 1 on the meds, which is wonderful.

2023-11-05 #

meds log day 4 (30mg of vyvanse):

the beginning of the effects of the medication went unnoticed, rather than a "oh the meds kicked in", so that was a nice gradual switch in mood for a change.

i felt really good, i had a little too much coffee though (even for when I'm not taking stimulants as medication) because my parents visited--i had made another pot of coffee for them, and figured I would have some too (even though I had three cups of coffee in the morning before they came and visited), so now i know to watch my coffee intake. my normal amount of coffee, which is 3 cups using a regular-sized mug, doesn't seem to make things feel too intense so that's good.

i had a nap in the middle of the day which was nice, since it was a busy day and I felt a little sleepy.

all in all, it's been great so far.

2023-11-04 #

meds log day 3 (30mg of vyvanse):

the initial "kick in" of vyvanse wasn't at all intense today, which is good. i just felt regulated and normal, and not exhausted. it was really good. it felt like "okay this is how my body and brain should feel--very normal and just accepting of things.

its 1:30pm, and i just got back from a day out hiking/running around a little farm with the kid, and i feel sleepy, which is good in this case--its normal to feel sleepy and tired after a busy morning, and im happy im still able to feel sleepy on this drug.

2023-11-03 #

meds log day 2 (30mg of vyvanse):

i was in a good mood, same deal kind of, but less of that euphoric feel i had during the first day at the start, which is good. it feels more like it's making my brain behave normally instead of slightly happier than i should be.

i noticed that time doesnt disappear randomly anymore, as in, hours dont pass unnoticed. it seems like i have more time to do work during the day, and i take proper breaks.

i noticed i dont overthink silly things like "should i keep my keys and wallet in my pocket instead of in my bag/fanny pack before doing x?", i just dont care and deal with miniscule problems when they arise, because why over-plan such a small problem? who cares!

i continue to not feel exhausted, and my brain is super clear instead of going a mile a minute thinking about every little thing i need to do during the day.

being outside for a walk no matter the weather makes me just appreciate life.

2023-11-02 #

meds log day 1 (30mg of vyvanse):

so today is my first day on 30mg of vyvanse (lisdexamfetamine). right now, it has been life changing, and i'm not over exaggerating.

before, i got worried, stressed, and or anxious about things like slowing down when driving because i was worried i would annoy the person behind me, anxious about walking towards people talking up the whole sidewalk, constantly worry about work when i'm not at it, and so many other things.

i would have "chained thoughts" (as i call them), which are thoughts that keep coming into my head while i'm just trying to focus on one thing or when i'm tired or zoning out. it made decision making hard for simple things, like "do i really need this screwdriver?"--i would spend so long trying to figure out if i need it.

i would always have this looming depression hanging around or this guilt about nothing. listening to people was hard, especially to understand them or tasks they give me without worrying about forgetting them, or having my brain wonder off somewhere else while i'm trying to take in information.

i would get nervous about meeting or talking to strangers, say, in a hardware store, or have trouble making plans to go out with friends (the second only occured after covid i think).

i couldn't wait my turn to talk in conversations or remember what i wanted to say. i would also go off on tangents when i'm talking.

i would constantly feel tired or exhausted (possibly from all the thoughts that go through my head about every little thing?). my head was never clear.

i was rarely, if almost, never actually happy.

now, i don't get worried about annoying or bothering people, while still having proper judgement about if i am actually annoying or bother people.

my "chained thoughts" or noise in my head have cleared up. i can simply focus on one thing or just look somewhere and zone out and not think of a million things.

i can make decisions easily.

i can understand people now AND remember what they say while also thinking and remember questions to ask them after they are done talking.

i talked to people at the hardware store and made great small talk and felt happy about it.

i dont feel depressed or guilty constantly, i can control brain wondering (intentional brainstorming, i think i'll call it that).

i really want to make plans with friends now.

i can take turns waiting my turn in conversations.

i don't go off on tangents when talking.

i don't feel tired or exhausted. my head is completely clear.

i can actually not worry about annoying or bothering people, while still being aware if i somethign might bother someone/annoy someone at the right times.

i'm happy. i enjoy looking outside, listening to music, or just thinking about life in general. i'm so hopeful now.

2023-06-16 #

ugh i was asleep at a reasonable time, and then i realized it was garbage/recycling day today, so i had to get up and dressed to take shit out, and now i'm in like an over-tired state.

haven't written in this thing for a while. i figured it would help to write this out to get some frustration out.

2023-02-01 #

哎，我没有精力上班。我猜我多喝咖啡了lol

2023-01-24 #

gosh i am sleepy this morning. even coffee isn't doing its job today lol. i have exciting plans for a new idea for a website generator for my personal website, where it'll be similar to this, in that it'll be a programming project for myself, instead of the general public, to keep things fun.

i also think this would be a great way to spice of my homepage and make it more fun, because i could have a different programming project for each index.html, and then for repeated formats, i write some kind of editor, like a list of blog posts. kind of hard to explain, but i'm excited nontheless.

2023-01-23 #

heyy this is my first entry in my cool new diary program thing that i made. it was my birthday yesterday (jan 22nd), so i figured i'd finish the day (next morning? it's 12:31am right now lol) with something relaxing by writing a short little parser to generate a diary thingy.

you can find the code at ~m455/code/diary/main.scm in tilde.town

anyway, i'm pretty tired right now, so i think i'll go to bed.

see you later!