- Excessive moisture and prolonged contact with spalling concrete exacerbates this condition, which is marked by sloughing patches on the heels of the hands and the calves. The skin, grey and cool to the touch, begins to flake with the slightest friction. Pain is not often felt until blood is drawn and scarring occurs. In the interests of the national image, a facade inspection programme of old flats has been instituted, though sporadic outbreaks are sometimes recorded among security officers in strata malls.

- Often mistaken for heatstroke, this condition is borne not from the body surrendering thermoregulation to the world, but from excessive sympathy for the world. Wanting to be like the air, the blood starts to move like the air, obsessively trapping heat in the natural pockets of the hands, head, feet, and toes. Clarity of thought is dulled, and chronic sufferers may shimmer as they walk on sidewalks. A similar phenomenon is observed in babies born from late-term deliveries, who, in remembering the womb, are able to swim with their nostrils closed for fifteen to twenty minutes.

- Fishmongers crowd in droves into the standing-room-only ward, sweat dripping onto the linoleum floor. This condition, psychogenically transmitted from fish farmed too closely together, was first diagnosed in the nineties with the opening of a new wet market in the northeast. The emergence of gills, spiny fins, et cetera can be bloody, but rarely distressing, and can be managed with paracetamol after breakfast or medicated oil on the affected area. Studies are underway to encourage horizontal transmission to other essential workers such as air stewardesses, bus captains, and railway engineers.

- No other condition so clearly expresses the human body as an interlinked series of tubes through which flow the four humours of our race: blood, lymph, coconut milk, and sugary tea. Experienced after heavy meals, it is often compared to gastric pain, except felt mostly in the throat. A flare-up in the midday often leaves one unable to focus on anything more complex than tapioca pearls. Many survivors go on to externalise their condition as successful civil servants.

- A shortness of breath is not enough to diagnose this condition, which, in its final stages, can lead to complete and utter auto-eversion of the lungs. It happens slowly, and then all at once. In the heartlands, a decibel meter installed in every block of flats keeps track of the case rate. We love it so much in here that we cannot help but scream.