i am going insane and i have nobody to confide in

do i have bpd? am i favourite-personing someone who i don't know just because
she's trans and speaks hebrew and likes an album i like? am i really
considering learning a programming language just to get involved in its
development just because she's a maintainer of said programming language?
that's crazy. that's fucked up. i'm fucked up

but i never heard of anybody liking that album as much as i did
it's an important album to me, culturally, because i can't fully share it
because it's in hebrew
because she's also an irc user. and she also is trans. and .
what if i do a bit of dev work and hang out in the social space and hit it off
with her and we become friends.

this is the worst mix of "i need friends pronto", "i need to be active on FOSS
pronto", and "i need to be more ethnic pronto". i am actually going in circles.

i don't want to be obsessive
it feels gross doing this with a plan instead of stumbling into a friendship
i don't want to coerce people into being my friend
it's going to be fine in vancouver
there's a lot of people there
i'm going to find folks who speak hebrew
i'm going to find folks who i can chill with on irc
and i'm going to figure out what to do in FOSS, eventually, because it doesn't
matter right now. i have a couple of years, hopefully. it's fine.
drew devault quit linode when he was like 25. i can do this shit gradually
i don't need to rush to be pure. but i'm so scared
i'm scared of procrastinating, of never figuring it out because i waited too
much.

and i know i should let this be explicitly _because_ i have a lot of shit rn.
i know that moving is a big thing and i shouldn't worry about work right now
because i'll have time to figure it out. and friends will come. and they can
be separate.

but she's so cool
she's the epitome of what i want to be
she's the epitome of the circles i wanna be in
except she's way smarter. i could never do low level programming. i'm too dumb.
i know that's untrue but i've always viewed low level as "purer" and i've
always been scared of learning it. i should do that. not now though

ugh