i am going insane again over benign friendships that i don't have

you three have such instant rapport that takes up all of the space in the room
i try to peek my head in to join but it doesn't work
it never works
my words drowned out
futile
eventually silenced
as i look away from the fun you three are having

it said you two were what brought it back to life
and i'm happy for it
and i'm happy for you
but not really
because what if it was me instead of you
wouldn't that be so much better?

when i think about it i feel undeserving
a faker
a poser
all its stories and experiences more impressive than mine could ever be
more real
are mine real?
are my headmates real?
i don't have amnesia, or apparent switching
i just have moods that i gave names to
they haven't showed up in two weeks
even if it's valid is less cool
can i induce it more?
am i real?

but it's so cool
it's the epitome of what i want to be
it's the epitome of the life i wanna live
thinking about it makes me think about what i can do with my life
i want to make friends with it
but i'm too meek, too shy, too pathetic.
and it doesn't seem to take interest in me anyway
maybe i'm not on its level
maybe it's for the best

i feel bad about sending you this letter.
i know you're having fun right now. i can see it in the other screen. this isn't urgent
i'm crying but i'll be better

i'm going to rework this into a song at some point when i'm less insane
when all of this seems meaningless and petty
it already seems meaningless and petty now