today i was struck by a thought 
telling me you might have died
i went to check, and you did not, but the thought did not falter
instead it burrowed back, thinking about what 
                                              if 
whether i'd be reachable                         and when
 whether someone'd tell me
  whether i'd be able to attend your funeral
whether i would go

i cried to a song thinking about this today. thinking about you
not gracing someone else with your presence
not being lively and excited
not being alive
but dead
    buried
    and gone