~patrick@TTBP

29 march 2020

I am feeling quite lonely because of CODVID-19 keeping us all trapped inside our homes. It makes me really miss a lot of my friends. I wanted to go to a park with a friend but now this got in the way, and I hate it so much. I get a flutter in my chest just talking to any of my friends, that's how pathetic I've become, a romantic flutter, from just talking. I've even gotten this when talking to a ramdom guy I've met on Discord, and I'm straight ffs lol. Why do I crave for attention?

I would do anything to see my friends again. I'm ordering Animal Crossing tomorrow in the hopes that I can play with two of my friends, which hopefully is worth the bullshit $80 they charge for video games these days. My family sucks, they're still doing the same shit they've done before this quarantine and still don't care about spending any time with me. I would do anything for a family actually interested in spending time with each other. Right now I just want to be held, and hugged by someone who loves me for who I am. I never feel rested, I feel aways in stress. The one person that can melt all the stress out of my chest right now, can't hold me, or lean on my shoulder. i love you uwu <3

15 march 2020

The world is about to end from corona virus or something, anyway the media got a hold of the official name CODVID-19 or something like that, made for nerds that can't speak the language of the proles. It reminds me of a lot of whimps that used "cannabis" in all contexts instead of "weed" back when they legalized it. Anyway, so coronavirus may have just screwed my plans, as I wanted to go to a park with my great friend and admit my feelings to her.

You see, the problem with me is that I basically get strong feelings for whoever I feel gives me the most quality attention, and she's probalby the only person in my entire life that will give me that much. The other problem is that I always admit my feelings after a state of constant internal panic. Like right now, this virus could infect her and she might die, maybe. Then I ask the girl out, and get turned down, and then I say that's okay but who am I kidding I have too much faith in everything and then I am back to square one.

Basically I hate the grand reptition in my life and I'm not sure if I feel about doing this shit all over again. Dumbass coronavirus throwing a wrench into my plans! I wouldn't be worried of some internal panic of missing my chance right now!

19 february 2020

Valentine's Day went wonderful, me and my good friend went to karaoke together and we sang some good songs. We sang songs like "I will survive", "Raindrops keep falling on my head" and she sang some good old Japanese songs and one Filipino one. Two days ago I got to see my other friend and talk about stuff, and yet today I feel lonely already. I could've went to see the Sonic movie if I had remembered that today was Tuesday. This week is reading week again, the same time that I have joined tilde.town. omg tomorrow is my 1 year anneversary of joining tilde.town lol

Anyway, I should get a job, and then I can have money. Life sucks otherwise.

04 january 2020

we played a little dare game today and i cabt tell if they know i already like her. its kinda awkward becsuse they gave me questions where it woukd makd sense nit to pick her.

at least i got to give her headpats uwu

01 january 2020

Today is the new year, so that is quite exciting, I hope that 2020 goes a lot better for me. My Dad finally found out about this laptop after I got it in November, and that was because he couldn't learn to knock the door before opening it lmao. I've been learning the static site generator Pelican for my other personal site, and I probably might use it for a blog on thewebzone.net anyway. Turns out python requires a comment at the end of a list item for no reason, or something stupid like that so I was troubleshooting for an hour or so.

I'm going to see an old friend of mine tomorrow, and I'm really excited because she is cool. I got to say happy new years to a few people and asked to hangout with a REALLY old friend and got left on read so that hurts a little bit ;-) I haven't made any sort of goal or objective for this year, but maybe I can finally establish thewebzone.net as an actual website that will be fun and cool to use and get a job so I can keep the private minecraft server up. And also create my own little webshow on thewebzone.net

I gotta renew that domain right now lol

30 december 2019

Back on the 27th, I gave my crush her Christmas gifts. I gave her a copy of 1984 and a pretty purple Pilot fountain pen. Seeing her laughter and joy as she seen the gifts made me feel very happy :) We had fun trying to find her specific 30 ring B5 notebook/binder and the certain line dot grid paper to go with it. She went through three copies of 1984 and somehow they all got destryoed, one got soaked, another lost and she doesn't know what happened to the other one lmao. So I was like hey let's give her another chance XD

My Christmas went okay, I didn't get to do much and my presents didn't feel like they were "for" me if that makes any sense. It was somewhat disappointing. Though I felt better when giving her the gifts because I did my best to listen to her interests. My feelings are quite strong and I can't even get myself to even practice admitting my feelings to her by myself. I am still scared of ruining a friendship. I am genuinely concerned of crying, or choking and losing breath just trying to speak or getting rejected or whatever. I could just send a lengthy email but I've always sent the people I liked a lengthy message and want to actually talk about it in person and face it head on. Honestly I have never talked to anyone I know about this, and I wouldn't know who to trust. Do I trust her? Absolututely, I guess. Well if I did trust her I would've already said something, which was a thought I already agreed with when I thought about this trusting thing the last time.

If this all fucks up than I would lose the one in a billion friendship I have, the one that made living 17 years straight worth waiting for. My best friend, one that helped me see my own heart.

17 december 2019

I am really starting to despise life. All I was ever taught is that there is nothing worthwhile to live for and that there is nothing to do. Capitalism stole my friends and stole any sense of happiness for me. I haven't been in school since last April and haven't got a regular job since, and yet I stil feel tired and exausted and struggling to find any meaning for myself. I feel soo distraught about my future and my parents couldn't give a single fuck. They have made me feel afraid to tell them anything about my personal problems.

I just want to live.

29 november 2019

thinking about my crush again... :)

24 november 2019

I'm scared of my future, I don't know what I want to do. I'm tired of my uncertainty. For once I want to do something without a second thought. Without worring about unintended consequences that I didn't think of even when I spent a long time on it. I can't even enjoy a video game without spending 10 minutes to Google something because it wasn't detailed enoungh telling me what an item does. I want to have some confidence in myself. I feel that I wouldn't feel so empty if my parents bothered to show me the world. Their disinterest and lack of curiourisity has made me for the worst. I'm scared and nobody wants to help me.

28 october 2019

1:15AM: Today I'll miss the quietness that I am expereancing right now. It's the only time that I get it really. Maybe I am hoping that a friend from The Phillipines will message me at around 2AM, or another friend that lives here. Either way the silence is great, and I'm lucky to have a Raspberry Pi so I don't have to hear the fans on my actual PC which are kinda loud in my opinion. Yesterday when I was still trying to sleep my parents got into an argument or some shouting match over some little weather screen or some nerdy nonsense. Good men never get proper sleep in this house, and then I'd have to listen to the enterity of CNN or Bill Mahar or some other crappy neoliberal propaganda being played from the living room, and I can here this entire thing all the way upstairs with the door closed (or almost closed). I mean it's nice the Macbook Pros have some nice loud speakers on them but christ man put on some damn headphones. You could at least lower the volume when it's just the sound of people cutting wood (seriously?!)!

If my life wasn't such an uncertain mess, I would've already left. it's a tradegy that there isn't free housing, especially for the people that need them the most. I think people underestimate how much a new space can vastly improve people's mental health. A place that they can finally feel productive, a quiet place that helps people relax. A non-hostile enviroment that you'll feel safe, and comfortable to share your problems. A place where you have a sense of privacy and can meet with doctors who can help you (hopefully) A motherfucking goddamn breakfast where you're not mentally bombarded with NOISY BULLSHIT FROM CNN AND THE RADIO THAT YOU CAN'T COMPREHEND WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO EAT YOUR EGGS. I've managed to put up with this for basically my whole life, but now suddenly I can't do this anymore. I remembered about a month ago, oh yeah I actually have autism and that the senses can become overwhelmed. But then I realized that my parents never gave a single fuck about making my life any easier, and never get over my rare violent outbursts that only happen when they very obviously piss me off and annoy me so :)))) yee Also my body feels stiff a lot of the time, especially on the shoulders.

I feel that I never felt a state of complete rest, of zero stress in a long time. It's like certain structures in physics: always under stress, but it is unable to collape.

27 october 2019

A few days ago I went to watch Kero Kero Bonito with my friends live. It was my first experiance watching a band preform at a bar. There was a other band preforming, which I guess was okay, the sound was too compressed and loud so I couldn't hear anything. When KKB came on the sound was better so I could hear the song. It was all crowded in the front and I pretty much was standing for like four hours straight, my hips hurted like hell lmao. I'm not used to standing in the same spot for a long time, and I can walk for a pretty long time.

It was a lovely time, the audiance was so excited and engaged, they played Flamingo, Homework and other great songs, and I managed to show some energy for my friend, even when I was hungry, and my hips were hurting from standing, and probably my back since you can't stand up straight at all lmao. We held hands a lot throught the whole song, as she and I rocked it back and forth, to and fro, and all those other prosey movements and words. I would've never went here if it wasn't for her. We've held hands in there while we jumped and bopped to the music for a long time. We got home at about midnight and while we were on the train she rested her head on my chest for a few minutes, and we held hands again for a bit :) I gave her a hug and she embraced it back, and i think she buried her face into my arms :)))) I miss her already, it's just been a few days but I really hope to see her again. We took the last bus of the day that would take us home. It reminded me of the times in the summer when I'd always take the last bus home from her house, because I loved spending too much time with her lol. I hope we can spend some quiet personal time together soon. I guess we may already be together at this point. <3 She's the best. I really should have a conversation with her about this soon lol.

10 september 2019

I don't know what i am good at. I don't know what I like, or what I am actaully good at. I might be afraid of my future, but at least I still have my friends. maybe i might make a really cool little text editor/PDA thing with Arduino or a Zilog Z80, at least that might take away the boredom, imagine if I actually do this LOL!

09 september 2019

my good friend and i haven't talked in two days now. im scared lol

16 august 2019

why are we so isolated from our communities? I'm so tired and lonely and it feels and I struggle to not only have the courage to message people, but to even think of who to talk to.

They're all busy with work and school, and it feels like they don't give a shit anymore. My family won't fucking stop saying "strippers" at the end of every setence so I don't really have any reasonable people to talk to anymore. Just my one good friend that I am too afraid to lose. Thank you for spending time with me friend :-) it makes me happy to see your excited little smile as you passionately tell me your stories and your rambles.

i need to find a job i am just a NEET with nothing to do.

01 august 2019

Yesterday I was with my friend watching the anime "Night is Short Walk On Girl". We both thought it was going to be a nice artsy thriller or something, but it was more like a crazy whimsical romantic comedy, with musical parts an hour into the movie. We stil liked it. I hoped her set up her new bedframe and mattress, when her mom got home she told us that, or more specifically me that only one person can sleep on the bed. Literally only one person can fit on the bed. I guess they think we're together now lol.

28 july 2019

I have a really intense crush on a friend, so much I worry if I am becoming too attached to her. I am not completely sure if she is even attracted to men, so that's embarrasing. I thought about her the whole day since I was really bored and had nothing to do. She was tired, and besides, a thunderstorm was coming, and then the clouds just passed by and the storm never came.

Today I tried to talk to another friend about it, but she was going to visit Japan tomorrow. Either way, it feels that only my crush ever genuinely tries to give me the time of day.

I have never found anyone I had more in common with, we click so well and I'm thankful everyday that she is in my life. I have no idea what I would do without her, and I admit that it worries me too much. Her parents gave me $50 so that we could get ice cream, so we got Korean food instead haha. While I do appreciate her, I wish that other friends would ask me to hangout with them once in a while. She invites me places, and that means a lot to me. We can't possibly be the only two people we know that aren't busy, right?

I probably won't say anything for now, I care more about our friendship than my greater feelings. I have to stop being this foolish.

30 may 2019

I worry too much about my friend.

She broke down last Thursday and I am worried for her. Luckily I was there to help her, even if she is a bit embarrased that I was there when it happened. I was so glad that I was there. I think about her a lot, she is a good friend and I hope she lives a long greatful life :(

Maybe it is just something that she said in the heat of the moment, but it's all I can think of when going to bed. Stay strong!

05 may 2019

Free Comic Book Day went pretty well, I went by myself since three of my friends couldn't make it and I was too scared to ask anyone else.

Many years ago, they let you take as much as you want, now depending on the store they restricted it. One only let you take two and that's it. The other will let you take two for free and the rest is 50 cents. Another will only let you take 1 for free and the rest 50 cents, and the last store I went to lets you take two for free and the rest for 25 cents, so I got ripped off.

But to be fair I was stupid enoungh to pay for free samples.

24 april 2019

My afro gets matted too easily, I hate the tough knots in the of my head near the neck, it's horrible. If only I bothered to wash my hair more frequently so that this doesn't happen. Maybe I am depressed. If anyone knows how to make having an afro a million times easier, I would like to hear it.

20 march 2019

Yesterday was quite stressful, having to drop two classes and it seems that I have entered the realm of uncertainity again.

It shouldn't be expected of any student to go straight to post-secondary right after high school. I want to learn more about myself and see waht I actually like doing. It already sucked enoungh everytime in English having to think about myself on those essays lol. Too stressed out and lack the energy to do the things that I want to try doing, I can't even reply to a simple email anymore.

How do I get back my energy?

07 march 2019

Fixing a song from the pops and clicks is really hard, it took me forever to find this one pop that drove me insane. Life is great once you find a nasty pop and finally removed it!

03 march 2019

My birthday is tomorrow, and I hope I'll have a great day! :D I'll be turning 19 and I might get to see a good old friend tomorrow. Sadly I didn't get to see my crush today, but it turned out that she was sick, and I hope she gets better. I think that she likes me now, so that's great to feel! :) I do worry about my classes, since I can't study and have felt too exausted to do it, I can't believe I managed to get half way through this semester by hardly handing in any assignments, or even learning anything in the class, it all feels like a waste of time, though I'll admit I was wasting my own time by not paying attention. If only people can freely learn what they want to learn about, outside of what is potentionally employable. Also I waited the whole day so we could watch Infinity War and these lazy shitbirds are just on the phone for two hours, wasting the time we get. And then after a fresh day of doing nothing at all, they'll be going to bed because they're "tired". I wish that I could move in with my good friends and we could watch movies together. At least they won't piss away my time and want to build moments with me :( Back when we watched it three months ago was the last time we ever watched a movie as a family. I don't get to know what being in a good family is like. All I hope for is my birthday isn't ruined tomorrow, because we all get at least one day each year to celebrate about ourselves.

23 february 2019

My reading week is almost over, and I have realized that my birthday is coming soon, on March 3rd, so that's great! :) I should probably start making plans for something on Saturday, since March 3rd is on a Sunday. Sadly it is too late to see my longtime friend at the library, since she will have to start heading back tomorrow :( I feel horrible for not even heading there this week, but if it makes me feel better, she takes way too long to reply and that I probably wouldn't have seen her there. I'm just too scared to ask anyone anymore, it sucks, why can't they ask me anymore? I'm so horribly lonely and I'm tired of making plans with people that will indevitably cancel on me because they have more things in life that helps them enjoy it.

I feel a lot for my friends, and I would do anything for them. I love them all. I feel that they don't feel the same way for me, because they have more important people to love. They have community, and I don't have that. I don't know what it's like to feel like a member of a community, not even online. I wish I can talk to them about this, but every time I care more about what they have to say, and it never gets deep enoungh where I can feel comfortable with explaining how I feel. nobody gives a crap man :( My sisters hate my and my family sucks, they never listen about what I want to do, which is to discover more about myself. I'm tired of fantasizing about leaving everyone behind and enjoying the last of my days in Korea. I would finally get to see a different socieity, different ways of doing things and what it is like to truely see something new and exciting. Any place outside of Calgary is something I would see through rosey lenses. Repitition has ruined my life, my parents just take advantage of the fact that they know I am too scared to do a lot of big things by myself, when these pricks made my life so fucking repetitive that I couldn't even try something new and bold like watching a new show, or getting back to playing a video game. The first time that I actually went somewhere without my parents was to see that same longtime friend back in grade 10. A simple 2 minute walk to the library, it was a big deal for me, but I was willing to do it for a friend, because I love my friends. When I retuned my dad and sisters mocked me, while my mom contiunes to do absolutely nothing about this at all. Fuck them all. These bastards contribute to my pain, my fears and my crippled motiviation. I don't remember the last time that I felt truely at rest. I can't do the things that I want to do anymore. I just want to have fun and enjoy life with my friends that I love.

20 february 2019

Today is the first day of my reading week, which is where I get a week off of school in order to "catch up on assignments and homework". In reality, I think nobody would do this and just try to relax for a bit, I don't think I remember what it's like to truely relax in over a year. This site seems nice, it's very wholesome and I can expereance everything about it with my Raspberry Pi so that's lovely.

I've been talking more to this really special girl I like, maybe she is starting to warm up to me and maybe we can be more than friends <3