blog / fire me

A small part of me wants very much to get fired.

I’m yearning for something different, and feeling the burnout creeping in again.

But leaving my comparatively nice job now would be irresponsible to my family, and risky. It would put my colleague/friend who hired me in a difficult spot too. I have absorbed lot of the domain knowledge and he would have to find a replacement. I have no loyalty to the ugly corporate behemoth that owns us but I’d rather not lose a colleague’s respect.

But if I were fired, then it wouldn’t be my fault!
I would have changes thrust upon me
(that could result in my being happier, eventually)
through no explicit decisions of my own.

All I have to do is
continue sacrificing sleep for rewarding hobbies,
continue being stressed out and angry all the time,
continue missing deadlines,
and my secret wish could yet come true.

Why not look for and secure another job before leaving?

It’s very difficult to find the time. (Part of why I want to leave to begin with.)

Before I apply anywhere I would want to clean up my shambles of a “portfolio,” my website and public github repos.

I want to do something different so I’d probably want to do a bunch of research into various fields and maybe build a small project or two.

I already feel like the only free time I get is when I stay up way too late and carve it out of my sleep time, and that only works in about 20% of the attempts because I get too sleepy to focus.