i’m happy, which is bad for my website

i still love my job. i’ve been there almost 2 years, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it hasn’t. this is very weird and a bit scary.

my boss is great. every single one of my coworkers are great. the coworkers i interact with the most are especially great. the work is great: challenging but rarely frustrating. takes advantage of skills i didn’t imagine i’d get to use at work. builds lots of new skills. doesn’t hurt or manipulate anybody. makes me feel smart, and good about myself. what’s the most likely way for it to all go sideways?

i used to keep this little extemporaneous beat poem on my profile, by way of introduction.

software is my art and craft,
it is entangled with my identity,
and i would call it my passion
if it weren’t also my day job.

but with this employer, it’s no longer really accurate. i can allow myself, and have the spoons for, unabashed enjoyment of software again.

while i’ve become convinced that a job exists where i won’t be miserable, that still hasn’t convinced me that two such jobs exist in the universe. so maybe i won’t completely delete that blurb just yet.

i’m taking anti-anxiety meds daily: buspar and effexor. i have been for a couple years now maybe? i don’t know which one of them is doing the work but they are working for sure. i wish everyone with my same brain problems had access to these.

i was surprised how easy it was to get a prescription. when i was feeling bad, angry, pacing, intrusive thoughts, inventing fake situations to have arguments in my head about, i thought i’d have to go to several months of therapy, after finding a therapist i liked, to see any change in myself. instead, i mentioned my troubles to my general-purpose doctor at a routine checkup, and he gave me a prescription on the spot.

back then, i wasn’t sure if they were doing anything. i wasn’t even convinced i had “anxiety.” anxiety is like a shivering yappy dog flinching at thunder and making puddles on the carpet. that doesn’t seem like what i’m dealing with.

but, i went along with it, and wow life has been better.

it becomes immediately clear what a difference they are making when i forget or am unable to take them: immediately, i have a nightmare.note to self: life pro tip: had a nightmare? you forgot to take your meds. (five out of five times so far, this has been the case!)

then, i devolve into a calamitous roaring dumpster fire. i hate the thing that i become.

what if i have to continue taking a pill every day for the rest of my life?
then lol it’s totally worth the trouble. no question about it.

what if they are making me into someone i’m not?
then great! i’m totally fine with it. the someone-i-am was awful.

happy brain pills y’all. five stars a+ highly recommended

for what it’s worth, being on anti-anxiety meds isn’t the reason i’m happy at work. the new work is objectively worlds better than prior work.

but it’s a good thing i’m medicated because i think they make me less likely to self-destruct. depression, burn out, quit, wallow, repeat might have been a fine way of things when i hated not only my employment but the employer in itself. but now, self destruction is something i absolutely do not want to have happen at the first job in forever that i truly enjoy. so hooray for happy brain pills

wow, look at how long it’s been since i wrote something here.

do i only write when i’m upset?

insofar as my words are the clearest portrait of my digital self, i don’t want bitter venting to be the only side of me that others see

being happy with work makes me enjoy being busy

i still have been doing toots fairly often

maybe i just need to find a way to meld the toot-stream and the website.