11 january 2019
It's after midnight, which means my partner comes home to me today!!
I used this as a space to voice my isolation and process my pain while
I was home, but I don't want that to be all this holds.
Today, it's just pure joy!
I won't be alone anymore. I've had my cat since coming back to my
apartment, which has been a huge help, and of course just being away
from my family does wonders. However, it's never quite right unless
he's here with me.
I'm super overwhelmed with everything that I need to do with work, but
knowing he'll be here soon melts all that stress away.
I spent most of today cleaning the apartment. I want it to be perfect
when he comes home. I know Tsuki and I with both be so excited to see him <3
permalink
29 december 2018
Happy December 28th yall!
I'm finally climbing back out of the black hole that I've been stuck in
for the past few weeks. I'm so happy to be going home soon and to be
leaving my family - I wanna be myself again, I wanna have my life back.
As of midnight tonight, I will be only 3 days away from leaving and flying home,
and 4 days away from my smol precious fluffy bean of a kitten.
16 days until I see my partner again. I'm just so excited, it's so close.
I also think I've finally figured out what I want to do with my site here!
I'm really happy cause I've been struggling for a few months to decide
what I want it to look like. Poor Mox has been trying to help me figure
it out but I just couldn't come to a conclusion. But now I know!!
I want something soft and lavendar, warm and welcoming. I want to make
it a food blog, where I talk about the new recipes I'm making.
Cooking has brought a lot of peace and healing to me in the past
few months, and I think documenting that here will help me stay
committed and continue to reflect on who I am, who I want to be,
and what I need to focus on. It will also give me a place to put my recipes
with whatever adjustments I've made!
With the end in sight, I'm just trying to hold onto how soon I'll be home.
I'm still tired, and drained, and empty, but there's a light at the
end of the tunnel for the moment.
I love you all, even though I'm probably just typing into an empty void.
But I'm sending all of you love and strength and positive energy as we
get closer to the new year.
permalink
28 december 2018
today was weird. i woke up to the possibility that my mother might drop me
off at my apartment, and i was horrifically anxious at the thought
of her invading my space, my safe space that i've built free of her,
or her finding the things ive hidden. im still terrified of her knowing
that im queer.
ive been reading about Toxic Parents, specifically, The Controller. it is my
mother to a T. its nice to be validated in my frustration but also
deeply uncomfortable to see my relationship with my parents so succinctly
pared down and splayed out in generic detail. its uncomfortable to see my
own issues spelled out so clearly, even if ive had enough therapy
to already know how my relationship with my mother has affected me.
there is some peace to knowing that others have moved past this, so
maybe i can too.
ive ended the day with the strong possibility that i will simply fly from
florida to virginia by myself, eliminating my parents from the travel
equation entirely. this is much better, although im trying not to get
my hopes up until the tickets are bought.
i just want to see my cat and my partner again. to be back in the safe
home ive built for myself, outside of her shadow.
once it hits midnight, i'll have 17 days until i see my partner.
5 until i see my cat.
4 until i leave florida and am free for another few months.
once im back, ill work on essays for my grad applications and apply to new
jobs for next year. im not looking forward to going through that process
again. i know that ill be okay though, and as long as i have my boi,
everything will turn out okay.
17 days. 5 days. 4 days.
permalink
26 december 2018
it's christmas.
it's christmas and i miss my partner. the holidays are so hard because everyone
is talking about how you should be spending time with your loved ones
but i can't be with him and i'm stuck with people who wouldn't love me if they knew
the real me. i spent all day yesterday crying. the holidays hurt.
but i don't wanna talk about that tonight.
i wanna talk about him, cause i don't have anywhere where i just talk about
the things i love about him.
i'm all about specifics. i always want to know what, specifically, people
like or love about me.
I love his gentle eyes, and his puffy blonde hair. i like it when it's messy.
i like the way he looks when he's thinking. i love the gentle scratch of his scruff.
there's no better sound than his laugh, and his smile fills me with warmth.
i love watching his hands - when he's coding, or writing, or building,
or holding me.
i love listening to him ramble about his latest passion, even if i can't always
understand it. i love hearing him get so excited about something.
he's so smart. he's tackled so many projects and works hard at them.
he doesn't give up easily.
he cares about the world so much. even when i'm tired and don't have the
energy to engage with it all anymore, even when i've given up and
can't process how shitty everything is, he's still angry.
he's still looking for ways to fight. even if he doesn't know how to
fight, he's looking, even when i've quit.
i know that, in him, i have a partner who supports every facet of my identity.
that i can learn and grow and change.
i have a partner who will fight injustice with me for the rest of our lives.
but also a partner who will sit down with a cup of tea at the end of the day
and play with our cat.
watching him talk to our cat is the cutest thing. i guess i
understand why people get baby fever after watching their partner play
with kids - he's so gentle and silly and dorky, it's a side i don't see often.
i love it.
i love him. it's been almost a year and a half, and i still get giddy
when i look at him sometimes.
i still think about how lucky i am to share his day.
and when i don't have him, it's like part of myself is gone. i'm emptier.
muted and quiet and everything is so much harder.
i can't wait to see him again.
permalink
21 december 2018
i want to fall asleep and not wake up.
i've been trained that that qualifies as suicidal ideation,
language like that. but i dont feel suicidal.
i just dont want to exist for a little while.
i want to sleep until i leave this house and go back home.
i want to sleep until i can see my cat and my partner again.
that sounds so much more peaceful than this pain right now.
everything hurts and i hate them so much.
i hate that they refuse me agency and respect at every turn.
i have to beg for each little bit of freedom.
tonight it was decided that i, a 21 year old college graduate,
am required to call them every week.
required. like a fucking child.
sometimes, i see my friends have normal interactions with their parents,
and it feels like a black hole opens up inside me.
just a big, empty darkness that feels like nothing and like pain and like
hatred and like loss all at once.
can i mourn a relationship with my parents that ive never had?
that's all too complicated,
and hurts to much to think about.
falling asleep is so much easier.
permalink
20 december 2018
Today was hard. I miss my cat and my partner, and home is just so isolating.
My mother was telling me that this house will always be home to me,
and that home will always be where she and my dad and sister are,
but that hasn't been true for a long time.
It's hard to remember the last time this felt like home.
It was probably in elementary school, when we lived in Nebraska.
Once we moved to NC, things got worse. They fought all the time.
I spent middle school curled around books at night, trying to escape.
It wasn't a home. Home isn't a place where your little sister comes crying into your bed at night
because she can't sleep with all the screaming downstairs. It feels...
laughable, really, to call this a home. It's just a house that I'm required to visit.
As shitty as Tech was at times, it was much more of a home than this house has ever been.
Now, I'm lucky enough to have an apartment that's mine.
I can create my own home, with my candles and my cooking and my cat and my partner.
My mother will never see how much pain this house causes me
because she refuses to listen when I tell her about the pain she's caused me.
She talked to me about how much my sister is struggling,
and about how society is causing all the mental illness in my generation.
She won't shut up about her ideas re: why so many of my friends have been touched by suicide this year.
It makes me so mad to listen to her, to hear her judge those people because of their decision.
She can't see that the way she acts is why my generation is hurting.
Her homophobia. Her racism. Her lack of care for anyone different.
I'm so scared of what she'd think of me if she ever saw the real me.
When I do inclusivity work, I feel like a fraud.
I tell people to be brave, to confront the prejudice they see around them
and I'm not even brave enough to come out to my parents.
As much as they've fucked me up, I'm stil so desperate for their approval.
Their love.
Some would call that a manipulation tactic, a response to the mental and emotional abuse I've gone through.
I can't seem to help it though. Maybe one day, I'll be braver.
For now though, I'm scared. Just so scared,
all the time.
all the time.
permalink