13 july 2023

A Disorienting Morning

Hello there,

I am again using this remote part of the internet to release the horrible thoughts that I can't ever admit to anyone in my life. I feel like everytime I slip up a bit in my life, my GF feeels the burden to bring me up to shape. But she does this reluctantly, and recently started to blame me for making her tired. I get that I am not the easiest person to handle. I have my fair share of problems. I just thought that after all the patience and support I have extended for her, she would recriprocate it. Instead, the way she helps is by pushing me forward, which I admit helps. But the way she communicates, especially the way she expresses her frustrations towards me, is aggressive at times. It makes me think that I am just a burden in her life. I guess that's not really a fair thing to say. It's just that I am already acutely aware of my predicament. Her sentiments only triggers me more.

I have started to have dark thoughts. Everytime I drive in my motorcycle, my head starts to wonder how it'd feel like if I just crash into something. A car, the sidewalk, anything. I hate feeling this way. I do. But I can't help my thoughts. What if one day those thoughts skips my consciousness and went straight to my body? What if my subconscious decides to take over and satisfies that curiousity? What if I just don't pull the brake fast enough?

I am scared. I am tired of feeling incompetent. I am tired of fighting my own body. both to force it to do my tasks and to stop it from hurting itself.

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17 november 2022

An Exhausting Fight

College is tiring, especially if your interest in it fades away. I am trying so hard to keep pushing forward for a better future. But I know I am also not happy about it. So I try my hardest to also please myself so I don't grind myself away to dust. The balance keeps fluctuating wildly and it is exhausting. The sense of guilt and the sense of anxiety keep hitting me like the fists of a professional boxer. Left, Right, Left, Left, Right. Jabs, Hooks, and Uppercut. who's the boxer? why is he hitting me so furiously?

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14 november 2022

A Normal Day

I managed to have a properly normal day today. It's definitely something to be grateful about. Hope you can appreciate these kinds of days yourself. Until then, be well.

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13 november 2022

A Relaxing Day

Thouh I feel slightly bad for doing this, I think I need to take a break this weekend and start working on college stuff on Monday. But so far, I got good things planned for today. I havea project on a Minecraft Server I wanna work on, a family meet up later that I look forward to, and a lovely evening with my lady to end the day. Hopefully it'll get me feeling happy and ready to work hard again on college thesis tomorrow. Wish Me Luck!

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12 november 2022

A Little Confession

Leveraging the anonymous nature of the internet, I'd like to confess something bad. I love my GF, yet she sometimes makes me feel so pressured to be everything all the time. She wants me to do good in school and have a bright future for both of us, yet she also need my attention almost constantly. I feel like I barely have enough time for myself since I can be a pretty private person. I know I love her, and I wanna be with her often. But the way she keeps asking me to be around while also doing all these things is overwhelming. And I feel guilty all the time for trying to sneak a personal time off since that time is at the expense of the things I can be doing for our future.

The worst part of all this is that I feel horrible for having these thoughts and feelings. I want to be there for her while excelling my school and later on professional life. I want to be able to provide for her one day. I just can't seem to do things properly. It all feels so overwhelming all the time. Even if I managed to take a few days off, it overwhelms you again within minutes. I feel tired and anxious.

I feel terrible.

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11 november 2022

A New Thing!

I am glad to be here and blogging. Technically this is a distraction from my college stuff. But, it's a cool shiny new thing. So, I hope I can be stay here every now and then. Until then, be well!

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