08 february 2025
q
I'm 29. The last year of my twenties is, well, more than halfway done now, actually! But yeah, it's hard to not think about it more as the day draws closer. I've joked with friends that I actually can't wait to be 30, and I think in some sense that's still true. I have a tweet that outlines the breakdown of my decades that I'll repost here, since lord knows this text'll outlive twitter (or X or wtf it is now):
And then: *a still from futurama of the sexually satisfied skeletons of the victims of "snu-snu"*
But it scares me! I'm not worried about 30 but I am worried about death. And maybe that's the crucial difference between now and the last age-related existential horror I've lived through. I was scared of life before, and now I'm scared of death. Which is a good thing, actually! 😅
It shows something's changed. Back then I was terrified of a life devoid of meaning against the infinite. NOW, I'm scared because I have so, so much to live for. So much more than my teary faggot ass could ever meaningfully write about. The friends I've met, and the friendships I've strengthened in the last year alone...it's not doing them justice to even say friends...they're my family. With all the good and terrible and amazing that comes with the word.
I, like a lot of people who--ahem--look like me, had a part of me that doubted pretty heavily I'd make it this far. (I didn't always know why that was, but whomst among us hasn't made that oh so common mistake of confusing their gender dysphoria for just "the human condition"? Classic) But I did make this far! I REALLY made it this far, and I'm not slowing down. I think that's what makes it difficult to really map the stereotypical mid-life crisis onto....a trans woman turning 30? At the same time:
All at the same time! Hell, this undecidability is apparent IN MY BODY. Teenage hormone profile in a ~30yo mind. My skin is quite literally not the skin I had two years ago, and it's better. This is so common that it's a bit of an inside joke in the community that it's hard to flirt with other transfems; we age backwards such that I can't tell if you're 23 or 33.
Yeah! I'm worried about death, even though 30's really not old by any stretch, I'm looking forward to my 30s, and we seemingly age backwards anyway.
So that's the positive note to end on, really. Contrary to my writing this at 1am, this kind of existential dread is much more of an occasional midnight snack compared to 13yo me's full 3 course meal. And maybe that's another commonality with "real" midlife crises? I'm not sure. But in any case, I try to take that I feel this anxiety at all as a good sign that I'm doing "life itself" well by my own standards. That I'm surrounded by people I love dearly, having cherished experiences I never thought possible only a couple years ago, and finally in mostly the right body. And even that's gonna get ironed out soon, with exercise and breast aug and FFS. My 30s are gonna kick ass. They're gonna be the 20s I never got, and never knew I could have. Okay I promise I'm going to bed for real this time 😤
-Sammi
Today's been a lot, but suppose the only way out is through. At least this last part wasn't as bad. Was actually a bit of a reprieve to at least get a second opinion on my HRT regiment and confirm, yeah, all looks good :) Peace comes at a premium today, so that was very welcome news.
In other news, I'm so glad my vacation next week is almost devoid of plans! owo
Not really, but at least the things I wanna do aren't really pressing matters, I can just take them as they come:
All stuff that's good for brain :3
Realistically I'm just gonna use html, but this is nice, too :3
Idk, it's been a few late nights, but I'm really happy I'm here with my friends, and that my gay ass has managed to find so many wonderful people in this last year. I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of me moving out here, itself only a few years out from my egg cracking, and this still hardly feels real. I mean as of now, I'm:
And most of that was through spending countless hours grinding, hoping to make the impossible possible. A lot of it luck and privilege, no doubt. But all the same, none of this was a sure thing. Who I am now is a collaborative effort. But I'm glad. I never imagined back then that I'd be the person I am now λ_λ
Idk, I've just been really in my head these past couple weeks. 2022 comes very close to being the most transformative year in my life, even if I feel like I have to give that spot to 2019 by default (egg-crack).