~tunas@TTBP



29 august 2025

Today there's not much to feels about. I honestly think that complaining about my issues only seems to make me relive them and feel upset, so I will try not to do that.

I will just say that I have been tracking my weight and I have lost somewhere between 5-7lbs in less than a week. My appetite is still not quite there, especially not in the mornings (which is also when I wake up and feel more disappointed.) Yesterday, I talked to two of my friends who are on the same Discord server as my ex, the one they made for us to all game. They are well, and they did talk to me for a while about their lives and listened to me talk about mine. Thankfully I was in a good mood then, so I had good news to share :)

I did some work yesterday and today on Angelic, so that was a pleasant distraction from the horrors or listlessness. I think that overall, I am getting better, though I am perhaps impatient. When I feel better I peruse dating apps to find friends or someone to share my interests and company with, but barely seem to find any. I can think of 2-3 people with whom I've stayed in touch, and there's been maybe 5-6 people in total. I know this is because dating apps are inherently biased against cis males, and part of it is cis males' fault, especially the kind of straight cis men that girls on these apps have shown me messages of. Absolute, 100%, nothing but ick. And they're not even pretty enough to get away with their behavior, if there ever were such a thing!

Last night I woke up at 3am and couldn't fall asleep because I kept thinking of how to get in touch with this girl who looks like my ex, but even prettier. I found her on a dating app and sent her a message (you can send messages with your match if you pay a virtual currency, and there's practically no chance you'll be seen unless you DO send a message), but she didn't reply. She did view my profile, apparently. For some reason, I was very very captivated with this person in particular and I contemplated paying another $2 just to message her again and tell her this, that I can't get her off my mind. This kind of thing has never happened to me; I have never truly yearned for a random-ass person who does not even know me, at the expense of my sleep and wellbeing. But, it seems to be fading thankfully. I didn't feel like being a creep or spending more of my money and energy on someone who clearly missed out on a chance to meet me.

Oops, I complained about my issues. But then again, this one is fading so I am in a good mindspace to talk about it without making myself upset again.

I am excited about tilde30, too! I'll decide what to do. Projects like the ones I have in mind will definitely ensure that I stay in a good state of mind; I just gotta make sure I don't burn myself out on those and then spend all night half-asleep decompiling in Ghidra in my "sleep".

Update 2: life is not a checklist. I must remember this.

Update 3: I decided to further dip my toes into the Discord server my ex runs. I read the rest of the channels, and despite seeing stuff that would've really bothered me if I were still not moved on, I was unfazed. I think that all of the work I did on myself and my own self-worth paid off, even if it was in such a short period. Or maybe I still haven't entirely processed it, and when I wake up tomorrow I'll still be shaking, or worse, I'll wake up at 3am again after dreaming stupid shit. I don't know, but if I do, I'm gonna at least attempt to tell myself I'm beyond that, until I'm beyond it.

I am a really strong person, especially in the face of such bullshit. I just need to rediscover it and realize the chasm is painted on to scare me.

One thing I need to remember is that there's a LOT of people who will provide support and validation to me, but not so much that I become dependent on them. And this is a good thing. I must keep these people close, and do the same for them (however, now with the caveat that i don't bend over backwards to do so.)

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27 august 2025

I put down a goal in my Finch app (a self-care and journaling app) that I would write down a personal story or my life story. I want to use that as an opportunity to feel more grateful for what I have, and more appreciative of what I have accomplished.

In 2018 I had a traumatic brain injury that could've resulted in my death. In fact, I did the event that I wanted to result in my death. After I made a miraculous full recovery, I vowed that I'd turn my life around and learn how to be a person again. I vowed I'd never waste life again.

I applied to UWC and studied high school in Armenia for 2 years. Then, I got into college in the US with a very good scholarship after busting my ass off writing applications, essays, projects, portfolios and emails. I had a really good GPA in college without much effort, and I also learned a lot of very necessary life skills. I had to initiate a heartbreaking breakup for a relationship that really ate away at me as we just drifted apart. I got into a relationship with a friend of mine, who I got close with over the time I was in that other relationship. That one was slowly wearing at the seams as she stopped being the person I fell in love with. However, I did not have any self-respect at the time to acknowledge it and be the bigger person, take care of MYSELF first and foremost, and leave. Then, I graduated in May and had a quite unengaging summer overall. But, I made the most of it, looking for work and adjusting to life after college. Then, the relationship ended over a phone call one morning and I was unfazed. I was still in college mode and looked for my friends and... oops, all gone! In the meantime, my ex moved on in a week and started moving back towards being the person I fell in love with. She has support systems, she has people to have flings with, and it's what she wants. I came to terms with that part quite soon, but I didn't know what to do now that I couldn't do the same.

I had, and I probably am still having, a hard time battling this. But I must remember that I am in a random suburb with no car, and still need to work on stabilizing some other factors of my life before I can have another shot. It sucks not to be able to be held, and it feels like quitting drugs, but I am stronger. I am in my third foreign country, and I didn't get here by breaking down. I got here by working my ass off. And I will MAINTAIN that fucking vow that I made when I had a brain injury and I survived against all odds. I will be better. I WILL find my footing. And then I will be able to respect myself enough so that in future relationships and friendships, I'm not a passive observer not minding my own interests at all, but an active participant that advocates for myself and my rights. It'll be a long battle, but it has to start somewhere.

That being said, right now I told my ex I need to spend some time not talking to them. It was something I said I might need to do as soon as we broke up, and if I respected myself and was less afraid I would've done it. But, better nate than lever. Right now their presence in my life in and of itself is painful. I hope that at the end, we are still friends so that I can get whatever (less) benefits out of our friendship without being emotionally dependent on them.

Everyone wins that way. I always wanted everyone to win, I was always a person of compromise, but the only thing I successfully compromised long-term is my wellbeing, health and integrity. No more. No more. No more!

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26 august 2025

Today I woke up and I wasn't absolutely shaking to the core! I did have some residual anxiety and overthinking, but I felled it pretty quick.

I am going to spend today working on getting the documents for my driver's license printed out, and also get some work done for the game that I am employed to work on.

More at 5... :P

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25 august 2025

I will admit and confess this, primarily to myself: I miss them. I miss what little remained of our relationship. I suppose I missed the status we had. The relationship itself. The privilege to be physically and emotionally affectionate with them, even as it dwindled to very little. I was okay when I had a status flag set in my brain that I could always lean on them for anything I might need. Now, that's gone, and the more I ask them for stuff now, the more it feels like pity. I am a person of otherwise strong character, and I think that breaking up with someone but still staying in contact was a bad idea.

I might tell them that I need to spend some time not talking to them, but that makes me afraid that I will come back to it too soon and then ruin stuff forever. It doesn't help that there is absolutely fucking no one on dating apps nor friend-finding apps, and that my brain doesn't want to take support and affection from my friends, or even strangers, as long-term relief. My nervous stomach waxes and wanes like the waves of a sea, and it is REALLY terrible. I don't know how to get rid of it so that I can keep living life.

Every time I think I'm cured, I run into yet another stumbling block that makes me spiral back down into depression. So, I'm putting my thoughts to paper, pretty much.

I want someone who will look at the cool stuff I do and say "wow!", and validate me. They didn't do that consistently; sometimes I'd delete stuff after reminding them to look at it for the third time. I want someone who will hype me up when I'm down, so that there comes a time when I don't need hyping up. Even though they're still my friend (for how long, I'll see), asking them to do that for me is a terrible idea because it furthers my emotional dependence on them.

I woke up yesterday morning and this morning absolutely fucking shaking, the same way a druggie shakes when they have withdrawal symptoms. Any standard brand of loneliness has never done that to me before in my entire life, so this is unprecedented for me. I just want to be able to get a clear head and a calm stomach again, to be able to pursue what I want to do with motivation without my brain pivoting to this stupid shit again.

I just wanna be worth loving again. I want to have a friend group in person that drags me out of the house. At the very least, I want a reason to admit to myself that life is enjoyable and worth living to its fullest. That is to say, I am not going to kill myself; when I say I don't want to live like this, I mean I don't want to worry about such meaningless bullshit, and I want to be able to love and be loved, create and enjoy others' creations, sleep without waking up 9 times in a row.

How long does this usually last?

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23 august 2025

Today has been absolutely horrendous. It's not helped by me having no appetite whatsoever and having slept like ass. I tried taking a nap this afternoon but I just couldn't. The reason I'm so distraught is twofold, and one of those reasons is too personal to reveal here. Maybe later on I'll amend this when it's all said and done and not an active and ongoing pain, but I still feel like it aches, even after discussing it with two people (my aunt and an internet friend.)

The former of the two reasons is that recently I've felt super isolated. My desire to feel physical affection, or otherwise converse with people in real life, has absolutely overwhelmed my ability to reasonably enjoy anything. It does not help that I live in a suburb of a suburb, and have no access to a car. This, and I assume some other factors, has led to me pursuing friends and potentially some casual partners on dating apps. However, the dating apps are even shallower than I remember them being; one of them even shows you people that have been algo-ma-rithmically chosen to be perfect matches for you, but those do not appear in the normal matching pool and instead are only like-able if you directly pay money for a subscription. This is way too on-the-nose and no longer somehow subtly manipulative, and that's terrifying.

I'm compelled to find a bright side. The bright side is that this loneliness has kicked me in my nuts to finally go get my license. Next week, I'll get the learner's permit and I'll use the money I saved up for driving lessons.

I hope I get the job that I did good on the interview for. I think it'll help me be more focused and less... drifty, so to speak. I'd have less room for emotional turmoil.

If you'd like to chat about some topic, any topic, send me a town email. I'll gladly correspond with you. The least I can do is say I know nothing about it, and ask more questions. :P

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21 august 2025

I got an interview for a position as a VoIP technician at a local company. Hopefully I'm able to land it, to be able to stay out of unemployment. Unemployment is very risky nowadays for me, as someone on a student visa. Oh well, I think I'll be fine. I hope I do well on the interview.

Should I tell them all the shenanigans I was up to with tilde.tel? The OTP system written in sticks and rubber bands, Flask/WSGI and Asterisk? It's unbelievable that I was able to do such things way back then. Nowadays, someone else could probably do it with AI in a split second. ._. Then again, they'd have to think of it first ;) so I still hold the edge on them that way.

I don't think AI will replace programmers as a whole. There's always going to have to be someone who has to come up with the idea itself. The logic, the general guidelines and the specifications. Plus, AI still makes GROSS mistakes, writing insecure and buggy code, or plagiarizing (which could get employees in some really hot water.) Who knows, though? We'll see, we'll see.

I've otherwise been doing alright, maybe a bit lonely but less so now that I let myself enjoy life and all it brings. My next goal after employment would be to go get my driver's license.

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20 august 2025

I've felt oddly demotivated, and at times even entirely burnt out. This is weird, since as we speak I'm not really employed nor engaged in anything much. I wonder if it's some kind of emotional exhaustion, curable only by socialization. I'll find out by trying to make some new friends in my area one way or another.

Apart from that, life has been quite alright. I got an interview for a job as a VoIP technician, and I'll see what that will bring. I'm gonna spend today practicing and refining my knowledge.

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14 august 2025

Today my ex was supposed to come visit me, and then we'd both drive back to their place to attend a card show on Saturday. However, they had some major car trouble and decided to turn around. That was a bummer; I have to catch a bus tomorrow to head their way. In some better news, I'm gonna be receiving a prototype of a radio from Quansheng, a two-way radio manufacturer. They want me to develop and put custom firmware on it, to be released for the masses. That's an exciting side project to do. I feel like I should (and will!) get back into radio firmware development as a pastime. If anyone reading this is a big fan of embedded systems, or just a fan of radio/telecommunications, send me an email on ~town and let's talk about working together :) it's a fun field.

I'm gonna go do the things that I was gonna do with my ex (shop for Pokémon cards, get coffee, etc.) Toodles for now!

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12 august 2025

Much like others have written, both recently and not-so-recently, I too came back to this tilde as a source of comfort. I think this October marks the 5th (edit: I checked - 7th!!!!) anniversary of me being on tilde.town. Holy crap, I can't believe it's been 7 years. This place has watched me turn from an angsty adolescent into a mostly functional young adult. That's insane to think about. I wasn't here throughout, but I always held it in my heart as a safe place to escape to whenever life had me down or whatever. I know I keep promising I'll come back more often, but life always finds a way to take away my ADHD-addled brain into a new hyperfixation. I don't know if that's a good thing (I get to live and not be chronically online) or a bad thing (I am left without a community I can come back to often.)

Much has changed since my last post. I thought I posted when I graduated in May, but apparently not. I graduated college, and I am now desperately searching for a job to stay in the US under OPT (Optional Practical Training.) I often ask myself, why am I fighting to stay in a country that has alienated me in so many ways, and the answer I often come to, is that I am trying to build a life somehow. This place is where I hedged my bets, and I wanna see it through to the end, at least as much as I can. So, anyway, I got a job now as a robotics instructor for a place that pays $15/hr and doesn't withhold taxes or give you a W-2. It's ass, but it'll have to do for now. Maybe I'll get a better job soon, who knows. I am glad to have some friends I can revisit and talk to. It's good to be remembered. I want to do more things with them, but as of now, they're all far away since we all moved. Maybe I can make new ones, ones that match my interests.

I broke up with my girlfriend 3 days ago. It was a long time coming, because she had long since stopped being able to provide me with the affection that I needed. There were many signs, but I was just scared. Scared of being alone. So anyway, I'm glad it was mutual and she says that she let me go so that I can pursue someone else who can better love me or show it to me. We're still friends, and I hope that doesn't change, but life always finds a way to be messy.

Speaking of finding new friends: if I make a profile on some friend-finding apps, I am now promising myself that I will keep my interests open and active. I am going to be upfront about liking amateur radio and electronics. Because otherwise I'd try to hide those in lieu of more "normal" hobbies, and I'd be stuck. Stuck meeting people who I didn't click with and they didn't click with me, and missing out on people who do have my interests, should they exist. I realized that's stupid and pointless.

I'll try to visit more often. I'll make a habit to check tilde.town instead of stupid news sites or worse, the same 2 Discord servers that don't show me any attention.

Much love, and until next time, ~tunas

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27 january 2025

I've been getting shit sleep lately. I'm not quite sure why. I think that's what might be causing my irritability, increased perception of problems where there are none (I guess I could call it "invention" of problems) and other problems. Or maybe those are causing my shit sleep? I hope to find out soon.

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26 january 2025

I'm making a resolution to try and stay unbothered by what people say, do or try to make me feel. Specifically, I am making a resolution to redefine what is, and is not, allowed to affect me. I will try my best to see if what I am being made to feel is a good, or a bad emotion, and then make a conscious effort to ignore it. It'll be easier said than done, but I hope that this process makes me stronger. I am also going to try and journal more often, whether here or elsewhere. It does help to put words to paper (or terminal) and then come back to look at them in 45 minutes. The alternative would be to cover those things, those ruminations, with the person who caused them, and because of my BPD, they're not always (read: almost NEVER) logical, sound and completely rooted in reality. This makes it far easier for me to not exhaust myself, learn to be steadfast and learn what I stand for, as well as make sure that I am able to better articulate it to whoever is concerned.

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23 january 2025

I'm glad I took a little bit of time to reflect on the pretty things in ~town before writing this. I'm also glad that my first instinct when feeling troubled was to sit down and journal. I want to strengthen this habit.

I have been very mood-swingy, and I don't understand why. My girlfriend is currently in the same type of mood, and I am trying to take some space while simultaneously giving her space. I think it's the effects of January™. I hope it ends when the weather gets warmer.

I feel like no amount of love I receive is enough. I'm always paranoid that I'm somehow not as fulfilled as I could be, while on the other hand being entirely aware that no single relationship can fill my entire life with joy and love, I must always rely on multiple people, and since I have BPD, my expectations and perception of love are skewed ON TOP of that. So, I will have to do some reevaluation, some reaching out to friends, and some thinking.

When college coursework picks up, I think I'll be rid of this stupid stuff because I'll have a routine, a structure, and stuff to do.

Part 2: I did some s&box experimentation today, the typical game engine first-steps type of deal. It's pretty interesting, and it makes Source 2 feel accessible, simple and understandable. Intuitive, even. That's a big task, if you've ever thought about developing a game in Source before, you'll know.

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19 january 2025

Yesterday I went to a Master Boot Record concert with my friends :D unfortunately, my friends didn't vibe with it, so we left early. But I don't care; I had fun while it lasted. It would've admittedly been nicer if the crowd wasn't standing perfectly still. We tried to get the energy going, but 4 people out of 40 wasn't really likely to start much. Kudos to the others who did the same. Still, again, I had fun.

Today I am going to do my Communication Systems homework. It's a class taught by David Kazdan, the faculty advisor of the university amateur radio club. He's a really nice guy, and really smart. Easy to talk to, too. His co-instructor is a PhD who recently graduated, also involved in tons of radio research. So, I'm really looking forward to how that class pans out.

I miss my girlfriend. I jokingly said I'd go visit this MLK weekend, but if I were to visit, I'd have missed a hangout with my friends, going to a concert with a different group of friends, and probably also missed out on homework. Not to mention the 3 hour bus trip there and back, and the $70 bus fare. So, all's well -- I'll go visit another day.

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15 january 2025

Quick attachment to yesterday's feels. Today, our/tarot said:

Five of Pentacles: The card foretells material trouble above all, whether in the form illustrated--that is, destitution--or otherwise. For some cartomancists, it is a card of love and lovers-wife, husband, friend, mistress; also concordance, affinities. These alternatives cannot be harmonized.

I wonder if this means that I will feel less loved again.

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14 january 2025

I've not been very consistent, but thankfully I've been overall well.

Yesterday I got really sad all of a sudden for some reason. It was the first day of the spring semester, and it just seemed like all my classes were gonna be a drag. That wasn't the case, of course, but I felt like it. I asked my girlfriend if it's possible for her to be more affectionate to help, and she thankfully complied this time. Even if it was for a little while, it did help. That's all that counts. I just want to be treated the same way I treat other people, y'know? This wouldn't be a complicated issue if I didn't have difficulties distinguishing between "this person is not providing me enough love by normal standards" and "I am delusional and I am asking for more and more and more, despite the other person's best efforts." This is because I have BPD, and BPD sucks.

Aside from this, I've been doing alright. I have many gadgets to play with, and I have made progress in playing with them. I wrote some PHP code to generate XML menus for Yealink phones, including some Asterisk integration (like in the good ol' days!) to select a YouTube video and get a phone call with the audio from that video :)

Anyway, I'm now in a Computer Security course. It's shaping up to be pretty fun! Catch you later townies!

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7 january 2025

Hi again everyone! Today's entry will likewise be very short. I don't have much to update you on.

I spoke to someone that I had been subconsciously avoiding and being short with today. He hinges his entire mental wellbeing on me talking to him, which I have told him many times is unhealthy, especially since I cannot reciprocate it. The more he leans in, the further I pull away. Today I came really close to entirely cutting ties with him.

Unfortunately, my "no" muscle hasn't been exercised enough, so we're still in contact; he somehow convinced me that it would be mean for me to do that. Realistically, I know that I do not need a reason, especially if I am made uncomfortable which is reason enough, but I genuinely do not have the energy to put into a proper goodbye, and I feel like I owe him one.

One day, I suppose. Or maybe I'll grow fond of him by some miracle. But anyway, it did teach me a valuable lesson: I have been running away from some things in my life that I should probably confront as a matter of maintenance, if not anything else. I'll get around to them.

I've been doing rather excellently on doing personal projects, although I will try to set a timer on YouTube as I did when I was in school, because it is sapping my time with stupid predator investigation videos and bodycam footage. Sometimes it does give me interesting ones though (today, Deviant Ollam and the Connections Museum did a collaboration, and the video hinted that there would be a sequel!!! Go check it out if you're a big phone nerd like me :))))

Anyway that is all, thanks for reading town! And to all a good night <3

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4 january 2025

A rather short one today, I want to go sleep.

Today I left my girlfriend's house to head back to Detroit for the last week of my winter break. My girlfriend got sicker :( I took her out for sushi to cheer her up and we had fun. She always seems to be very sad and affectionate the last day before I leave, and regrets taking me for granted. While I'm glad that she's able to realize it and open up, and I do not make it difficult for her to talk to me about that stuff by judging her or piling guilt, I wish she would take action sooner if she's really taking our limited time together for granted.

Anyway, she drove me to the Toledo bus station, but unfortunately my bus was late. Thankfully that meant that we spent a bit more time together in her car, but it also meant that I had to pay for a much more expensive Uber to get to my aunt's house :((( But, it's ok, I'm just glad I made it safe. The trip was otherwise not too bad.

I miss my girlfriend already, but on the bright side, I did some stuff with the Meshtastic stick that she got me as a Christmas gift :) and I'll spend some more time on radio firmware reverse-engineering. Work is also picking up, it's a crunch period so I'll be expected to do more tasks soon. Overall, all is okay, and I'm thankful for it.

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1 january 2025

Oh boy, it's been a year since I wrote my last feels entry!

I had a pretty good New Year's eve celebration with my girlfriend, her dad, her best friend and another good friend of hers from work. We all drank and ate and had fun, and wished each other a happy new year when the time came. The next morning, my girlfriend started to feel a little sick :( not hung over, at least not exclusively, but just sick in the viral way. She was kinda standoffish and short with me, so I thought that she was mad at me, but it turns out she was just tired and not all there. Sometimes I wish she would communicate that better to me, but I also logically know that I am expecting too much if I expect that, and even though she's not as affectionate as me, there are still big parts of our relationship where we are able to share experiences. My BPD makes it hard not to fill in the gaps when someone isn't extremely explicit that they're not giving me the cold shoulder and they're not mad at me. It's burdening, it really is. But there isn't much that I can do about it, apart from keeping on learning about myself and others, and finding ways to individually entertain, fulfill and engage myself.

I hope everyone reading this has a fantastic start to their 2025, and I love you all! Feel free to drop me a line if I have provoked your thoughts in any way. Rambling is not just welcome, it's encouraged :)

Take care!

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28 december 2024

I'm visiting my girlfriend for the holidays (up until New Year's Eve) and it's been pretty neat :)

I get lonely while she's at work, but it's ok, because I also have a job (game development) so that's what I usually do. That, or I clean, or make myself some food, or play with Mozzie, her lizard. Speaking of which, today he pooped all over me :( which meant I had my hands full cleaning it up. It's okay, he's forgiven, he's just a little guy so he doesn't know any better :)

My girlfriend and I used to argue about how she wouldn't pay me enough attention, but lately I think she's gotten better at being attentive, and I've gotten better at being more independent. The thing that was the most influential was that I now understand that I don't need to worry about spending every second of our time together wisely (we're long-distance) and that's taken the burden off significantly. Now I can live alongside her, not for her. Or expect her to live for me.

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25 december 2024

Hello! It's been a big long while. I want to write as many updates as I can right now in small summaries, in order to capture them to later revisit.

I am, however, a better person in just as many ways as I have stagnated. I have a stable, less long-distance relationship. Sometimes I yearn for more physical contact, even when we are together, but I have learned to be more independent as a result of the distance. I have also learned to mitigate the symptoms of my BPD, including but not limited to the impulsiveness that was once so pervasive in my personality. I think I have settled into a working formula for my life, and I am going to continue as it is for a good long while. Until change is necessary again, of course.

It's good to be back. It's great to be back. It's a miracle how this community always catches me even after so many years; this time, I'm glad it's catching me when I'm not down. "Welcome home, tunas," I heard the SSH connection say as, for a brief moment, I fell back into the body of an 18 year-old that I once was. I was him, and he was me. And for the record, I'd still date myself. Nothing's changed on that front, except now the relationship might be more stable if I did. I like my girlfriend a biiiiit better than I do a hypothetical clone of me, though.

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30 november 2021

Sometimes I check my mailbox on ~town and I'm sad that I see there is no mail for tunas. :/ Then again, I shouldn't expect anything else; I'm not blaming anyone for it, nor do I logically expect anything different, it's just that I'd like to come back to something nice. I'd say it's my fault for distancing myself from the community, but on the other hand, I didn't do so willingly. Such was life.

What I mean to say is, if you've ever wanted to drop me a nice line, please don't hesitate to do so - it'll motivate me to do the same for others :)

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23 november 2021

I haven't actually written one of these in forever. I'm so sorry to my loyal readers, if there even are any anymore!

Thankfully, I bring mostly good news. It took a little bit of adjustment, but I can say I'm pretty happy with the structure of my life in college right now, on almost all fronts. Academics are doable, social life is just as much as I need it to be and no more, and I am preparing for my first Thanksgiving celebration. If I ever feel bad, it's most often because I just can't find the energy to do so much in so little time! :P

Hope y'all are well.

PS: I still fit under the table! I've taken great advantage of this on many occasions.

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9 february 2021

How do you explain to your psychiatrist that her previous patient and you only got close on the bus to attend a session with her? Like, their appointment was right before mine. It's funny how human relationships work.

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7 february 2021

One of my friends admitted to me that they have had feelings for me for a while now, and I guess now we're together. That actually made me so happy. To my ex, if you're still reading my blog: yes, they're capable of being emotionally supportive, and no, it doesn't take any effort for them to be, because they understand how I feel.

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5 february 2021

Today was a Great Day!

I finally got out of quarantine and got to actually hug my friends. (We all tested negative on the PCR test, of course; otherwise we wouldn't be out of quarantine.) That being said, I am so happy that I get to see my friends again. Now I'll properly appreciate them, because I know what it's like to not have any. If you're reading this and thinking you don't have any friends, I'm your friend. Forever and ever. Just drop me a line.

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2 february 2021

I'm feeling good! Like, super duper good!

Things are falling apart, but I AM FUCKING ROCKING, BABY! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

That being said, I hope you do too. Everyone deserves to feel good. If something bad has recently befallen you, please text me if you'd like - I'll try my best to support you.

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1 february 2021

I fit under the table. This is a stupendous discovery that I wish I found out sooner.

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29 january 2021

On the last day of school quarantine, someone fucked up (okay, quite a few people fucked up) and the timer was reset to another 14 days.

I wish great discomfort, pain and many nastities upon those people who persistently act so irresponsibly and face no consequences, instead letting the community suffer.

Once I find out who they are, they are in for a world of hurt.

With that out of the way, time for some niceties! I was feeling better before this happened, with no mental breakdowns to speak of. Sure, now the situation is different, but I think it's worth remembering the good times alongside the bad.

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23 january 2021

Today's feels post will be provided by GPT-2 tunas, as an amalgamation of my #tildetown chat logs and prior feels posts.

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19 january 2021

Case Western University made me a .edu email address (and heck, a G Suite account) before I've even been formally accepted. All I did was sign a contract that if they accept me, I wouldn't apply elsewhere...

Is this common? Let me know via email if you've had similar experiences with US colleges. Very generous of them, in my opinion.

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11 january 2021

Turns out it was just spending an immense amount of time in front of a screen, or asleep. Hopefully it hasn't caused irreversible eye damage. From my experience, trying to avoid screens has lessened it.

Which would be easier to deal with: if it was psychosomatic, or an actual eye health problem? I'll ask a doctor whenever I can.

Otherwise, I guess I've been fine. My friends are currently in quarantine, which means I'll get to see them in person in 2 weeks. That makes me immensely happy.

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7 january 2021

I started seeing moving shadows from the corner of my vision every now and again when I'm in the dark, and dark spots/voids in bright conditions.

I think this is it. This is the point where dissociative episodes, depression and whatever else turns into genuine hallucination and psychosis. I really don't know why this is happening. I've been off drugs for a long time, and I never had a history of hallucinations.

I'm scared as shit, but I just hope I'll be okay.

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6 january 2021

The leaves come alive and shake in the fog Like birds, unable to fly away. The feary-eyed doe stands enchanted by the log Where a tree stood, before a mere day. Where a tree roared with the clatter of birdsong, There is nothing but the shaky whisper of a mountain stream. The heart of the hills waited for too long, Spring's return, nothing more than a dream.

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4 january 2021

I was inspired by the poem at the end of this short story, which won some awards a while back. I'm not too much into reading anymore, not for any lack of trying to get back into it. Anyway, as I was saying. I was inspired by this poem, and decided to go back to writing some of my own. Here goes... something.

For all my tries to get the prize Of a healthy, painless life All I got was a tangled knot In my stomach, lined with strife. Time to reboot.

xen: Booting virtualized kernel under dom0... Virtual. Not real. Not exposed. So that it doesn't hurt. You virtualize to mitigate vulnerabilities. In a way... So do I. I am a virtual void(). No interface, no vulnerabilities. No interface, no point... Time to reboot.

xen: Booting virtualized kernel under dom0... systemd[1]: Starting Load Kernel Module social-firewall... The answer is in limitation. Social distancing at its literal. Allow-list: Three people. Drop all other traffic. ... Eight months later, someone on the allow-list undermines my kernel's integrity. Panic. CPU: 2 PID: 2 at drivers/emotion/love/uncond_love.c:483 - assert "significant_other.emotional_support != null" failed [emotion_engine] Time to reboot.

xen: Booting virtualized kernel under dom0... systemd[1]: Starting Load Kernel Module social-firewall... systemd[1]: Starting Load Kernel Module iface-fake-emotion... socialtables -t nat -A POSTROUTING --out-interface fake-emotion -j MASQUERADE socialtables -A FORWARD --in-interface emotion0 -j ACCEPT No one comes in anymore. ... No one comes in anymore. It's getting lonelier by the minute. Why do I have to make these stupid fucking hacks anyway? Time to reboot.

Booting paravirtualized kernel on bare hardware... Broadcast message from person-f1a830b3df@outside-world (pts/1): Go find help, please. You need it. Broadcast message from person-1cedb817eb@outside-world (pts/1): You're acting really weird and you're creeping me the fuck out. Broadcast message from person-84dcfb24df@outside-world (pts/1): Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Oh. Right. Now I remember. Time to power off.

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2 january 2021

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1 january 2021

I did contact my ex, and thankfully she wasn't interested in ruining New Year for me. :P

I'm being unnecessarily mean. I'm just glad she's doing okay.

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31 december 2020

It's already 2021, and I still keep thinking of contacting my ex. I really don't know what I seek to accomplish; things will not go back to the way they were, and I will never be by her side again, no matter what. Still, I think about her constantly, in waves that come and go. I find that the more distractions I have, the less I do it.

Okay. I'll wish her a happy new year, and if she is not willing to talk, I'll leave her alone. Her birthday is in January, too, but if she's dismissive to me for New Years, there's no point in texting her to wish her a happy birthday, either... It's not that I hate her. Quite the contrary. But, I feel like she is not willing to talk to me, and becomes less and less willing with each passing day.

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30 december 2020

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29 december 2020

I'll make it an objective to move around more today. This should probably keep me centered for at least a while.

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28 december 2020

♫Oh, what a moving expansion of space

With a meaningful range of repression in grace.♫

These days have been quite confusing, but still, better than them being completely horrible.

(This is technically tomorrow's feels post in my time zone.)

50MB video, 480p:

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22 december 2020

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee wooooooooooooooooo yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

update: I fucked up.

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16 december 2020

Today is the day I first started learning programming in any capacity, 10 years ago. On 16th December, 2010, 9 year-old me found an old textbook which, of all languages, taught Ada: Ada was, and still is, a strange language. Statements and declarations are very clearly separated, and the syntax is so old-timey; it even reminds me of COBOL in places. I can tell you one thing, it scared 9 year-old me away from programming for the next 5 years, when I picked up Python at the age of 14. School taught us Pascal, which really did not help my image of programming as being more complex than it needs to be, just because of silly decisions... In fact, when I picked up C++ later on (a bit before Python), I found myself typing "if (condition) then" instead of "if (condition) {}" very, very often, purely because Ada was the thing I had first seen. To be clear, I don't hate Ada as a programming language, but it's not a very clear beginning programming language for a 9 year-old, not as much as Python is... It's quite flexible, and had I not put my bank on Rust as a low-level systems programming language, I can imagine a future where I'm using Ada instead.

Why do I remember all of this? Because, I guess, it made me who I am today. It did this in more than one way: it pushed me away from programming for a whole five years, thus prompting me to go for systems administration instead, and also sort-of repelled me from using obscure languages and then being unable to adapt. Hah!

With how things have been going, I'll definitely get back into programming as an art form these days. That is, if CS:GO doesn't take up all my time..

I just realised that when typing, my left hand is completely only using the index finger (and the little finger for Shift), while my right hand is using my thumb, index finger, middle finger, little finger and ring finger. I don't know why this is, but it does mean that if I type a word that's more on the right side of the keyboard, it's faster than anything on the left. But, the most common letters tend to be on the left... I don't know how to fix it, I already have 90-100 WPM the way things are. But, I can feel the strain from only using my index finger. I'll see what my options are.

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15 december 2020

Today was an okay day. It started with me getting an email from the head of college saying that I need to meet him at 4PM. That meeting was about them booking me a psychiatrist appointment in order to evaluate my mental health and any concerns I might have, as well as assess my already-known issues. That's good news, I hope.

I didn't do much else today, other than calculus, CS:GO and hanging around here. And that meeting, of course. Yeah.

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13 december 2020

Today, I believe, was another good day. There's not much of note, but the very fact that nothing bad happened should be appreciated.

I think I'll keep investing in good shampoo, firstly because my hair's falling out, and secondly because it makes my pillow smell divine. As silly and embarrassing as it is, I find myself sometimes sniffing it. Heh. That being said, I think that if I weren't me, I'd date myself. Like, if I was presented with a clone of myself, I would definitely date myself; also, since that's true, I'd want to date me as well. So, everything works out. It's quite funny how my self-confidence is quite low, while my self-esteem is quite high. Since that's so, funnily enough, I have really low standards if I go for myself, since I'm in the "desperate" category, and vice versa. Gee, thinking about dating yourself is weird...

I think if I was able to channel my self-appreciation into self-love by voicing it, I wouldn't feel half as bad, or feel bad half as often. Maybe that's an avenue worth exploring.

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12 december 2020

I wonder if someone is reading the web version of this. There's people who are aware it exists, although I find it astronomically unlikely that any of them are still reading this. So, I guess it's just me and the town. Heh. That sounds pretty funny, like the title of a TV show. Me and the Town. A sitcom centered around a socially inept person and their life in the same universe (and thus the same NYC) where the events of Sex and the City occur. That sounds kinda stupid, but I like it.

Today was a good day. I finally went out of campus. I like that. We went to a café which I used to frequent, and the looks on the faces of some of the first-year students who hadn't seen it before were priceless.

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11 december 2020

New day, new feels. Then again, my day technically began two and a half hours ago, and now it'll end only to begin again in the morning.

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10 december 2020

I found my poetry notebook today. I thought I had locked it up in the school attic, but apparently not. This is both good and bad; it's good because it reminds me that I am a decent poet, but it's bad because it reminds me about bad stuff that's happened to me. Oh well, I'm at least in a better place now mentally. Also,

I got back into

Writing forms of poetry

That are not textbook.

That being said, I'm looking on the bright side this winter. The only two things bothering me are loneliness and boredom, which are possibly one and the same, or stem from the same reason. But! (and this is a big but) I'm not completely incapacitated by loneliness anymore. I have occupations, worthwhile things to do, and a failsafe called sleep. Even if I can't seem to fall asleep, I'll read a book or stare at the ceiling while thinking about things (and lately my brain has been much more forgiving with its thought paths, straying less into thoughts of self-worthlessness and more into thoughts of "what can I do next to prove that I am, in fact, worth something?" Sure, it's not exactly "I am worth something even when I sit idle," but we're getting there.

I have challenged myself to get out all the stuff I'm thinking about (or have thought about lately) into this feels post. I don't know if I'll save it three sentences away from now, or if it'll end up being a short novel, but whatever's more beneficial for me is the one I'll go with. If you get bored, I won't be mad if you click away. I won't know you did it to be mad in the first place, but even if I know you clicked away, I won't be mad. Why would I be mad about that?

So. I made three new friends about a month ago, all of them trans. I'd known them for a while (one of them was also my co-year student last year) but we only got close recently. Considering two of them are in a sort-of relationship, I got the closest to the one that was the odd one out, the third wheel if I may. Their main interest is paleoanthropology, something that I can't exactly say I'm well-versed in (I can barely tell apart a Neanderthal from a Denisovan) but for some reason, listening to them talk about it is positively mesmerizing to me. The way they phrase things and the enthusiasm in their voice enthralls me and sparks interest in me. It's splendid. Sadly, all three of them are now residing in the capital of Armenia for the winter break, while I'm staying on campus because a) I'm on a scholarship at a level that means that staying on campus was free, and b) I don't have a source of income other than freelance sysadmin and webdev jobs, and my only savings are the ones from back home, meaning I am extremely frugal. The point I wanted to make is that they're all gone for now, and I don't want to bother them by texting them whenever I feel lonely, which would be almost constantly; they're most likely having a jolly good time like all the others I see on Instagram, exploring Yerevan and maybe even getting drunk. Maybe they aren't, but I do check on them and message them every day to ask, and so far they're all doing okay, thankfully.

I'm hoping that by now, this post hasn't begun to resemble a hodge-podge. Hopefully it's easy enough to follow for you, the reader, without you getting tired. Sometimes I write really long sentences, or overuse punctuation, which is why I'm worried. Do write in if you have a complaint with my writing style, and I may look into it.

I'm grateful for this community's constant support, and noticed the negative effect of its absence when my tmux session got stuck. Oh well, at least I'm back. Thank you all for existing, much more for listening!

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29 november 2020

I think it's important to highlight the good days as well as the bad.

Today was a good day. I just hope nothing makes it not so.

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26 november 2020

Today is a good day, I can feel it. I have this feeling that it might turn to shit, but you know what? Until it does, I'll try to make the best of it. Given all of the circumstances, including academic work that I finished early and now just have to keep an eye on until the deadline, I feel like I deserve a break. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right. One thing's for sure: I won't spend too much resources on caring about which it is.

Life implies death, but until I die, I'll be here. I feel myself not as a stranger in the world, not as someone here temporarily (although I am), someone who arrived here by accident, but I feel that my existence is fundamental. What I am, really, is the fabric and structure of my own existence. Therefore, until I do die, I should make myself comfortable in it. With that said, these two years of high school are temporary, and they will not absolutely and completely determine my life ahead. I'll be laughing about the setbacks I experience now, in as little as 5 years in the future. So, I'll stick to the following: the only thing I take seriously is academics, the only commitments I make are to myself and possibly academic deadlines (though that's still committing to myself that I'll do them,) and the only one who will get to fully experience me emotionally... is me. Somehow, I feel like this would be healthier for me in the long run. I've thought about how it may hurt others if I do this, but the fact is, I should prioritize myself over others; this doesn't mean I'll be completely out of it, I will help everyone I can, but not at my significant expense, and not without proper recompense. Cool rhyme, there.

It's about time I wrote something positive. I'm glad I started doing it. I hope this gives you some food for thought, too.

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23 november 2020

2 years ago today, a girl commented a spooning tutorial under my then-new Facebook profile pic. To this day I don't know what it was supposed to signify, but I don't think I've ever paid it too much attention until now, when I realised that it was, in fact, two years ago today. Not the most fascinating thing on the planet, but still, I got a bit of a chuckle out of the randomness of the whole ordeal. Maybe for the 5-year anniversary I'll ask her why she did it.

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13 november 2020

I'm getting better.

I don't know what changes, but I can hazard a guess that the more preoccupied I am with schoolwork (or my own personal projects) and the less I try to rely on socializing, the better the outcome is in terms of my overall mood. I see socializing as a high-risk, high-reward endeavour; there's a small chance I'll find someone who completes me after having lost the last one, but I risk feeling overall worse by trying to look for them and encountering nothing but disappointment, people who are too busy to talk to me or even notice I exist. That said, I can find someone who'll make me feel better for months, or ruin my months, day by day, by trying. No thanks.

Besides, I'm acquiring skills that will benefit me later in life, especially for the purpose of getting employed. Money can't buy happiness, and I'm no materialist, but it's more comforting to cry in a bigger apartment.

I actually haven't spoken to my ex in more than a week; the last time we did, she was distant, claimed that she wasn't being distant, and said that she didn't have the time to explain to me why people don't wanna be close to me (her words, not mine.) I left her alone at that point, and haven't looked back (okay, I have, but less and less each day; if she goes back to being the way she was before, maybe I will.) Thankfully, I'm cute/attractive enough to find someone else. This isn't something I've acknowledged thus far, and maybe if I do, it'll be a step in the right direction towards a stable foundation from the aspect of a state of mind.

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2 november 2020

Please be warned: the only case that you'll be able to read this and not feel worse than when you started is if you woke up today and told yourself that your prime directive is to listen to tunas' bullshit. The relevant trigger warnings are: depression, suicidal tendencies, and downright negative attitude. With that out of the way, thank you for allowing me to continue with my complaining.

When I came back to school, I realised that most of my friends had now graduated and weren't around anymore. This was scary at first, but I figured that it'd go away as I made new friends. Upon trying to make new friends, I realised for the second time (the first time being when I first came to campus) that it was quite difficult to bond with people who you'd never seen before. Failing that, I relied entirely on my girlfriend for emotional support. This, of course, burned her out, and she stopped being as caring and accepting. At this point I was not aware just how much I was reliant on her. This meant that I completely broke down 40 minutes ago when, after our breakup on the terms of me feeling it was unhealthy to try to force her to care about me, I realised that she — surprise surprise, - does not care about me anymore.

The short version is that currently, I am left with no one to fall back to, and I am afraid of the consequences of this. The last time I had pushed everyone away, in late 2017, I was left with my ever-negative self, who insisted that I was, in fact, not worthy of life and that I should just stop consuming resources as a result. At that point, I hadn't the mindset to consider my achievements, no matter how small, as a "reason to live." What really scares me is that I'm back in that mindset.

Just yesterday, I told the head of residence, who expressed a concern over my well-being, that I was getting better; more than that, even, that I was on my way towards feeling socially fulfilled!

I didn't lie. I genuinely did believe this at that point; but, seldom have I ever regretted a chain of events like I regret the past month or two, including deluding myself that I was, in fact, about to make it by faking it.

For the convenience of rationally getting my position across, I've been trying to stifle my thoughts of self-deprecation, self-harm and even suicide. I find that writing about my problems is the only way I can actually sit down and think about them without my emotions wreaking havoc on my mindset, and amplifying whatever problem was in question. Of course, as you might have been able to see, I wasn't completely successful; that's because in this case, it's loneliness, and I feel like if I haven't solved it in the last 5 years, I won't solve it in the next 40, or 60, or 80.

Understandably, this leads back to suicide as a logical approach. I would never want to resort to it, and in fact I'm deathly afraid of taking my own life, but "deathly afraid" means I'd rather die than do it. You can see the irony.

On a more positive note, I did ask the school's psychologist for an evaluation to put me back on anxiety medication and/or antidepressants. I hate pills, I've never wanted to be dependent on them, but I'm hoping that a light dose of them can render me functional enough to fix up my life so I can get the ball rolling again without them. That said, I want to thank everyone in this community for expressing their support, emotional or just conversational, and making me feel like I'm pleasant to be around. I don't mean to put any pressure on you, but I'd hazard an assumption that I'd be dead without you all.

If you have further questions, as always, you can email me. I'll also be more than happy to listen to your related experiences, unrelated stories, and even about the pigeon that landed on your windowsill that had a very funny pattern of color on its feathers. Thanks for listening.

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23 october 2020

I had a nice birthday.

It made me realise something though: my bed is so damn soft and comfortable, why am I relying on other people for comfort in the first place?

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21 october 2020

I'm starting to call people to hang out. If they don't wanna, it's fine, and if they shit-talk me for being "desperate," they weren't worth feeling bad about to begin with.

I've had enough. Time to turn my anger to my advantage.

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18 october 2020

If you're reading this, and can find some time in your day, please email me sometime and hold me accountable for not working on my Physics experiment.

If this post is more than a week old, please do not email me. Or, email me, but there's no need to remind me. We can still talk.

In fact, please. Talk to me.

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16 october 2020

Relating to my last feels post, I lied. I fucking lied to you, I lied to myself, and I lied to everyone that ever believed in me, ever.

This community has been one of the most supportive communities I've ever had the privilege of being in; yet, it's limited by being online-only.

My school, on the other hand, is also a very supportive community. When someone has a problem, people notice it, and offer emotional and, if needed, physical support.

Except me.

I'm not hiding. I'm out in the open, very overtly suffering (yet, not actively craving attention). People see me, but see past me. Bringing up my issues with them results in a massively different response than if someone else did:

It's very, very difficult to remain nice, emotionally stable and mentally sane in such an environment. If it were a community which treated others as badly as me, I could adapt. But I can't help but feel shitty whenever someone gets the support I need just as much, or more, and I don't.

Fuck this. Fuck everything. I'm isolating myself and focusing on academics for the rest of the fucking term. I don't know why I ever lied to myself that socializing would solve this problem; it just makes me feel worse.

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12 october 2020

I figured that I would only talk here when I'm feeling good, because we all need some positive vibes from time to time.

I've been okay, relatively. I've felt bad for no reason, but that's perfectly fine. It's okay to feel bad. Loneliness, I've realised, isn't half as bad if you just stop it in its tracks. Places like ~town help with this. I might hang out more here, if I feel like I can make some contribution.

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6 may 2020

I felt the need to dump this somewhere because it was eating at me from the inside, and I couldn't get any school writing done until I did.

I didn't realize it until last night, but in my quest to figure out and understand exactly why I was holding myself back from creating the way I wish to, I was able to ignite something deeper. After a day spent frustratedly finishing writing some code that I didn't feel content with, I realized that was exactly it; I am in need of transformation in all aspects of my life.

How could it be possible that my life changes so drastically and my creative endeavours don't follow? I realized I was remaining stagnant amongst the routine of my schoolwork. I had a method for creating that was familiar and comfortable, but I found my personal projects and art to not be challenging or intellectually stimulating or even an accurate representation of who I am now.

I haven't gone deep enough into my projects to feel satisfied with myself and I haven't been pushing all of my limits, creatively or mentally. I didn't realize until last night, crying as I vented my frustration, trying to understand exactly what was making me feel so shitty about my work and even my art, that I have a knot in my chest that I've been holding inside for so long.

It's my passion to create something different, something my own. Something brand new to myself. I need to push my boundaries and figure out all of the obscure and untouched spaces of my soul and mind. I need to give myself entirely to my art without these self-created limitations. I'm not the same as I was last year. Last month. Last week.

I've allowed myself to be constantly learning, growing, evolving, changing, and that is beautiful. I refuse to let life, to let people, push me around any longer. I've known for a while but I have finally taken action. I have realised, more accurately, embraced the fact that I have complete undeniable control of my life.

Every decision I make, every way I choose to react to situations, all of this is my own. All of this is my creation. I don't know why I'm here, but I do know that we are living works of art. So where is our magnificence? Where is the magnificence and tragedy in a work of art that doesn't transport into something experimental and enticing?

I'm choosing to pour my heart and soul into everything I do, enraged with passion.

I'm breaking down the constructs of my emotions and the walls I've built so strong to protect myself from feeling too much, consequently creating a beautiful and dangerous chaos. The lowest lows have been blending into the highest highs, and in the end I'm stuck feeling in between about everything. This frustrated me and prompted a very bad habit, where if something doesn't set my heart on fire, then it isn't worth my time.

I know there are expectations from other people and my giving nature wants to listen to the unreasonable thoughts in the back of my mind telling me that I have to do things for other people's satisfaction, that I have to make sure they are happy with me, with my projects, with my decisions. But that's an entirely inaccurate and flawed way of going about life.

My art is my life and my life is my art. And there's not a single person on this earth that I should trust more than myself to nourish it, to make it thrive and grow strong, to care about it as much as I do. There's not a single person worth sacrificing any piece of myself for, no matter how miniscule.

I love unconditionally, but I'm doing this for me, vulnerably letting down my guard and leaving the door to my home wide open, allowing anyone who wishes or passes by to peer through.

I'm on a journey to become satisfied with myself, and the only way that will happen is if I allow myself to just be exactly who I am without filtering out what I fear others will judge about me.

I'm readily taking on the challenge to accept ultimate and complete vulnerability as the passageway that leads to ultimate and complete freedom. I love the freedom of creating my own space.

I so badly crave for what I work on to appear, sound and feel exactly the way I picture it internally.

I guess that's the biggest struggle of being an artist, of being human: getting it all out in a way that really captures any emotion. Art in its many forms, including any coding I've done, is the only way I've found that can successfully suffocate the rage and torment within me, to let out all of my pain in a healthy way, to intensely release, but also to give, to grow, to learn, to evaluate the things I didn't notice I've buried away.

Sometimes when I'm creating, I feel like I'm detached from my mind and just watching something happen before my very eyes, unable to fathom exactly how I was able to do it in the end. It takes getting into a form of thoughtlessness, which tends to waver in and out. That's my greatest challenge, giving myself complete freedom to release without hesitation, without self-doubt, without judgment.

Absolute freedom will be when I'm able to entirely disconnect from my own self judgment. It takes practice because it's so easy to fall into old patterns of self-deprecation and vivid fear of letting my energy flow out for nothing. I guess that's it. That I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I can expect or interpret.

I'm afraid of pushing my boundaries, exploring new territories within myself. I'm afraid of all of these vivid emotions that are so foreign to me, being new to feeling anything, but I'm embracing them. The only way I will move forward is through opening my arms to the unknown and releasing my fears little by little.

I've had it burnt into my brain since long ago that I'm unworthy of happiness. That I'm unworthy of anything good in my life. Undoing such tightly-knit thought patterns will take getting used to, but these days I'm feeling genuine happiness for the first time, pouring through my body like hot liquid, melting away the fear and pain that lived inside of me for so long. I'm finally fighting through those thoughts in fits of rage because I've recently learned from experience that the moments I stopped holding myself back are the moments when beautiful things happen.

It's hard to express these vivid and intoxicating emotions, but I will give everything I have within me to pour out my wild, raging, beating heart and turn it into something entrancing. I've been in and out of a coccoon, running away and unraveling myself in fear of what will happen. Fearing flight, fearing change, fearing the unknown, the feeling of freedom. This time of my life is an extremely significant breakthrough.

Transformation. Metamorphosis.

Thanks for reading.

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20 april 2020

Today I did nothing.

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9 february 2020

I feel like uid 65534. No privileges, unable to read or write or express myself, unable to interact with others. nobody.

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5 february 2020

My policy used to be "Oh well, if I don't have a proper social life, at least I can focus on getting my grades in order! :D"

Well, both of those are now at an all-time low, and the combined demotivation is not making it any better. In fact, it just brings me back to that "hole with no bottom." Funny how this happens every week, like a cycle. I failed my trigonometry test today, but I still can identify a sine wave when I see one. Except this one has a far smaller maximum than a minimum. Maybe that's all a matter of perception? What if the negative part of the y-axis is at a much greater scale than the positive one?

Who knows. I'll try that technique that the librarian told me: set a timer for 10 minutes, think about an issue for 10 minutes as much as you can, and never think about it again.

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29 january 2020

Be warned, tons of negative vibes below.

How the fuck did this happen? How did I let myself ruin my health, overall mood and enthusiasm based on how others act around me, not even involving me? Is it jealousy? Is it entitlement? Self-righteousness?

Why, as well? So many questions I can ask myself. But no answers. I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, over a hole. The hole isn't a hole where you fall into it and it hurts. It's the kind of hole that you never find the way out of. You keep falling, falling, the anxiety of how hard you'll hit the ground envelops you, but you never hit it. You're stuck, wrapped up in the anxiety, you wanna cry out but who'd hear you as you hurtle towards nothing at mach 9. How do I not fall in? If I scream, who the fuck would hear me? The people who say "If you need me, I'm here" are never there. They never make themselves accessible. They just wanna get their moral obligation out of the way.

Fuck this. Fuck me. Fuck everything. I just wish I could focus on my own things without my mind being clouded by shit.

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16 january 2020

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27 november 2019

If you're going to provide public displays of affection with other people, why make it near me on purpose, one day after I told you that I feel inadequate and lonely when everyone else made friends?

Maybe I'm acting entitled. Maybe I'm even asking for it. Who knows.

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10 october 2019

Things aren't picking up.

Trying to socialize just hurts and ends in me rethinking every movement I made and every word I said in my last interaction. Every time I think I'm close with someone, I just lock them out by reflex. I don't want my two years of amazing experiences to be shut down by my own brain being out for blood against me...

How would I go around to solving this anyway?

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14 september 2019

Just when I thought I had figured out social interactions, I was proven wrong. Oh well, I guess I can just remain positive.

Right?

I should work on some personal projects before academic matters become more difficult.

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25 august 2019

I just came back from camping with the others from my house, and it was both good and bad. Camping was fine, but when there was a bonfire last night, I felt sad and couldn't socialize properly. But it all ended well and by the end of the night I found some people to talk to. Besides, the next morning we all had fun, so it's good.

I talked to James, a second-year, about whether the entire school year would be like this. He told me that no, orientation week was mostly just to get new students acquainted with the school, and afterwards the activities and seeming relationships wouldn't be so plastic. I sure hope so.

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23 august 2019

Today was a bit of a downer, because I felt like I was intruding on everyone's conversations when I wanted to socialize. Oh well, tomorrow will be a better day, I'm sure. I'll make friends and stick to them.

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22 august 2019

I arrived yesterday in Armenia, to study at UWC Dilijan. So far it's been quite good, but I can see it getting old quick.

Hopefully this is just how induction week is, and there are more interesting things to come. In fact, I'm sure that's the case. Either way, I made some cool friends and I'm still trying to figure the place out. That's about it for now, I'll try to write more often, at least once every two days.

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3 july 2019

My vacation in Greece is going well and it's proven itself to be a great way to unwind and relax. But the thoughts of loneliness are kinda amplified by being in a foreign country where you don't even barely know the people around you. I hope I can push them away, especially with so many people I like talking to ghosting me or acting distant. Even people who say they care about me seem to only mean it superficialy and never reach out to me to check how I'm doing. Maybe I'm a shitty selfish person who has no understanding for others. I hope that isn't the case. Making accusations toward myself doesn't help me, so I try to tone it down, but I suppose that sometimes they turn out right. I just don't wanna be a shitty person, but I also don't wanna feel shitty.

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1 july 2019

Today I started my vacation in Greece. It sure feels nice to be able to relax for a change.

However, I started thinking about loneliness again, so that's not nice. I hope that stops. I suppose that soon, I won't be as lonely, since I'll be living with students from all around the world that are about my age. That's nice to think about.

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25 june 2019

Is anyone still reading these? I mean, mine. I know I read other people's. If you are, please let me know by whatever method is most convenient to you.

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8 june 2019

I scolded one of my friends while we were out tonight because he replied quite insensitively to things that weren't quite... appropriate for that kind of response, and now I feel bad about it.

An example was: Me: Yeah, that whole situation back then made me feel like an asshole. I've changed a lot in the last two years, haven't I? Him: I don't care if you're an asshole, we're still friends. Me: Wait, you're joking, right? Him: About what? Many other examples included saying "okay, let's go" while I was telling him about some personal issues (mid-sentence) and playing a game on his computer while I was showing him something on mine.

He didn't even notice that he was being insensitive whatsoever. I felt bad because, well, who am I to tell him what to do? What if I'm the bad guy for telling him what to do? I know he hurt me with his behaviour, but what if I'm really the asshole and he did nothing wrong?

I feel horrible now.

Also, another friend of mine came from Germany a few days ago. I want to hug her and never let go, because she's one of my best friends even though we don't talk too often and she lives abroad. But, I feel really inadequate when we talk. Like I'm beneath her somehow. It's not the typical crush thing, but instead a literal feeling of inadequacy ("who am I to talk to her or be around her? am I annoying?") I hope it goes away and she knows how I feel. I can't even get myself to ask her to go out sometime.

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1 may 2019

Is it weird that I feel more comfortable talking to a cat plushie than I do talking to real people, especially about my problems? Is this something of a sign that I need to seek professional help? I hope not.

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7 april 2019

I got a rash all over my arms and torso. The doctor said it was stress-induced. 7My classmates avoided me even more than usual, saying I had the measles. I had to beg my homeroom teacher to write me a medical leave of absence and she didn't.

I can't wait to leave this shitty school. I can't wait to leave this shitty country. I can't wait to leave this shitty existence.

I wish I had someone here with me.

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7 march 2019

Is having interests you are mocked for, only for "popular" kids to have them later and everyone is interested something that happens only in high school, or am I doomed to have it happen all my life? Because I'm fucking sick of it.

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5 march 2019

I was crossing the street today and I saw a truck driver texting. So, this person is hurtling towards the marked pedestrian crossing at 50 km/h and he is looking at his phone. My first thought was the amount of insurance money I could get by starting to cross; he would definitely hit me and it would either be easy money or death.

Not like I care about my body, right?

Then I realised that my body hasn't ever done anything bad to me, and it doesn't deserve to be hurt because of me.

What is me? Is "me" the brain? Just the consciousness merely piloting the meaty bits? Who knows.

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2 march 2019

Today was okay, but I kinda got into shitty mood territory by getting in between two people: someone manipulative that needs to stop, and their parent.

Oh well. I'm fine now and that's what matters. Lately I've just been busy with school, and hunting for opportunities finally paid off. I'm leaving this country soon.

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1 march 2019

These past few days have been pretty good!

I felt sad a couple of times, but I'm okay now. I got an account on cat's tildetel telephone service and it's been fun talking to various people on the tildes. Neato!

Also I might study abroad. Still waiting for news on that.

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23 february 2019

I found a thought on baud.baby's gopher pages that I really liked. It goes like this:

"A jawbreaker, or a gobstopper is a type of hard candy, usually they're colorful, round and usually pretty large. They're made through a process of layering, they roll around in a flavor or a color for a while until they absorb a thin coating of it and then they move on to the next.

They continue to accumulate fragile layers of flavor and color until there is an illusion of them being something of substance, something interesting, but that illusion quickly fades.
The colors muddy, the flavors only loosely approximate what they claim to be, they have no nutritional value and at the end of it all they're hollow, physically empty inside.

Life is short and valuable, don't spend it with things like jawbreakers.

Don't let them waste your time, don't lend them your flavor or let them steal your color. "

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11 february 2019

Stuff has been going okay. I hope I get to leave the country soon.

It's good to write again. It helps me organize my thoughts.

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20 december 2018

I am only being held to reality by the tiniest sliver of a thread made out of hope. I'm hanging over a black hole; if I fall, there is no comfort in hitting the bottom and being done with life. No, no. Time slows down the more I fall, and I just suffer inching closer and closer to the black hole, yet never hitting the bottom.

My brain just gave up a long time ago. It will take something far more different than medication to fix this. I need physical contact, someone to think about as motivation to not disappoint.

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11 december 2018

I had a dream, and it was a weird one. First the elevator was going up fine, but then it started free-falling for what felt like an eternity. Then it stopped suddenly, and wouldn't move after that. So, I got out of the cabin via the ceiling and saw one of those serviceman's ladders affixed to the wall. I started climbing it, and eventually after another eternity of being afraid I might fall, I found a little platform with a door. The symbol above the door was a regular exit sign (with the little green guy and the arrow), so I entered. For some amusing reason, there was some chill music playing, and the place was a fully decked out little hideout. It had a bathroom, a laptop on a table (which I didn't think to turn on because computers never work in dreams), a fridge and some other kitchen utilities, and a sofa and bed. There was a note on the table next to the laptop, that read "This is for You, the People Who Can't Climb Up The Easy Way. You are the ones that keep things going. Sincerely, the Universe" This is when I woke up laughing, and couldn't really fall back into that dream again. Ah well, I hope we meet again, chillax room.

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15 november 2018

I feel mentally retarded.

I went from being able to easily solve math problems for school, to being unable to solve 4 basic ones the teacher gives as a way to relax. I spent all of last night practicing, and this morning too. What the fuck is wrong with me? Did shit finally catch up to haunt me?

Ugh.

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14 november 2018

I've been so stressed out these past few days. I apologize for not writing more often. In any case, school is getting in the way and it's only going to get more difficult. Ah well. I might not have too much time for ~town this week and the next, but I hope to come back like I was again soon.

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8 november 2018

q

i just feel q because q is the button that quits programs

a more abrupt version of quitting is ctrl+c'ing

that generates a SIGINT and right now I feel like SIGINTing my life

i'm sorry, but my head hurts

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7 november 2018

hello hello there and again

share to re-elect ~vilmibm as the mayor of tilde town ignore if you dont like tildes

I feel sad every now and then when I see little kids, or things that are related to babies and little kids. It's a sadness that goes away after a while, but it's definitely been debilitating to have to think back to a childhood I never had every so often. I wanna go back and be my own friend when I needed one most. It's not like I'm out of the woods yet, but I'm definitely better off than I was before.

Am I an okay person? Am I good enough for someone to pat me on the head and say, "great work with this and that," without me feeling like I didn't deserve it? I hope so. Darnit, I want a hug.

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5 november 2018

So far today has been okay, I got good grades at school and I learned a bit of LaTeX. This girl in my class said she loved filling in forms, so I printed a psychological test for her to fill in. I wrote it myself in LaTeX. Weird, I know, but it was a good opportunity to learn :P

I had a conversation with troido about why people seem to never want to talk to me, and they suggested it might be because I force them to, or because I speak too often. Today I decided to just ask people if they want to talk to me about something, and just listened. I don't think that's the cause, but I still shut up quite a bit in comparison to before.

I just hope that someday, I can be a functional human being instead of a lonely mess.

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3 november 2018

Today's been fine so far. I participated in a ham radio contest, and that was cool. That was with a friend of mine.

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2 november 2018

I wrote some new CSS for my blog site. If anyone is reading this at all, let alone on the webpage, I hope you like it. :) I've been trying to be more productive lately. Hopefully it's working. I know it's definitely distracting me from my dark thoughts. I'll leave before I trigger then again.

I suppose today was cool.

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30 october 2018

I kinda feel useless today. I have a Linear Algebra exam this Thursday and I've barely practiced. I procrastinated a lot, and I'm afraid I might get a low grade when I could do a lot more. I haven't been studying much this year, for some reason I don't have the ambition I used to. Then again, this is third year of high school, so maybe it's just what happens. I hope I don't fail. I need something to do all the time, otherwise my thoughts go onto who I am and where I am, and it's a bad experience.

I've been talking to you townies more often these days and it's helped me feel less lonely. I still want to talk to someone using my voice though. It isn't a nice voice, but my vocal cords practically dry up when I'm at home since I don't talk to anyone. I'm a really talkative person by nature, and it's no surprise that I get a lot of comments about it. When I last went to Belgium, I met so many amazing people at the 14-day camp, and I wanted to talk to all of them as much as possible. However, some apparently complained to the counselors that I was being too social with them instead of just telling me. What was I gonna do, insult them? I would just say 'okay,' and not talk to them as much anymore. I guess I understand why they didn't say it directly. But still, after the counselor had a chat with me, I pretended to just understand and said I would try to work on it. But when I went back into my dorm room, I couldn't help but tear up. I really only wanted to socialize with people who aren't shitty like the ones back home, but I guess I made them uncomfortable. I don't know how, even now, but whatever I did, I apologize to them. Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this. Sometimes I wish I was self-sufficient all the time, but it's only human to want to make a connection with others. I guess I've been even more self-sufficient than the average person considering my circumstances, but I still feel lonely all the time. What is it about me that pushes people away? I solved many issues, like not talking about obscure topics, but it still hapens. I know I talk too much, I know I'm subconsciously too loud when I speak, I know I sometimes overcompensate for my extensive flaws with big words and long-winded explanations, and it makes me seem obnoxious and like a smartass, but short of a lobotomy and laryngectomy, I don't see a sure-fire way to solve those instantly. I just want to have people I can talk to without being afraid. I just want to have people that are interested in what I like. I just want to have people to share experiences with, without having to delete a year's worth of work in UTAU and other programming attempts of my own in the area of vocal synthesis, because I feel nobody cares. And maybe, just maybe, nobody does care. But I do. I wanna be able to do it for myself, without needing the validation of others. What if others don't care, when I care? The problem is, I care in a negative way, detrimental to my work. I demotivate myself. I guess that's why I need validation.

What if I have a problem with attention? It seems likely. I just want someone to pay attention to me like my parents never did, or something like that. I'm too tired to think of what it could be. I just hope I can be happy, and make others happy. I guess it's pretentious of me to think anyone reads these. But, wishful thinking is always nice.

I just wanna feel like I'm a neat person.

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27 october 2018

People are coming over today. I just hope that they won't be rude or troublesome. I hate crowds. I feel stressed out about all the school obligations I can't do because people are everywhere. I really hope I don't mess up something just because these people decded to show up.

Today was a nice day, I think. I did neat stuff. I hope tomorrow is okay.

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26 october 2018

My neighbor passed away today. I found out a few minutes ago when I saw the obituary on my building's door. He had cancer, and was in a lot of pain, so I suppose he is now out of his misery. May he rest in peace. I know I'm jinxing myself by saying this, but I hope nothing else bad happens this weekend...

I'll see what I can do to have a good weekend.

I played some VR and it was nice. Today was okay :D

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25 october 2018

Hi people who read these, nice to meet all of you! What a nice community this is. My feels are currently "feels good man" and I want them to stay that way if possible. ~~Today was nice, I guess, and I want to relax. I just hope I don't get dragged to work again, because I just want to enjoy, or go out in the sun which is unusual for October since it was single-digit degrees Celsius in the morning.~~ I'll manage to get through it. I just hope I can do okay. Wish me luck. I wish everyone reading this a happy day! ~~Hopefully my feels won't change and they will stay good :)~~ I promise my next feels are gonna be more interesting to read.

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