09 october 2021
Not much going on today. Need to do some small checks on the Minecraft server to make sure everything is working as intended after a tweak last night, but otherwise there's nothing we really need to do. Probably going to make some music and draw since we're feeling creative today.
It feels like I'm missing or forgetting something important and it's bothering me. This happens a lot, and it's always frustrating because it feels like something should be there, but most of the time there's nothing at all. There's nothing on the calendar or in our alarms, so that's not it. Classwork is all done for the next week since we make a point of getting as far ahead as possible. We need to make more jacket patches, but that's not pressing enough to set this feeling off. We've eaten, are hydrated, slept decently, and are physically fine. I don't think there's anything friends are waiting for from us. I have no idea what's bothering me like this. It'll hit me eventually.
Sexuality/gender/loneliness vent below.
Been thinking a little about gender and sexuality lately. Not gender itself, but presentation, and not sexuality itself but long-term concerns related to it. Most of us are aromantic and the rest are aro-spec, so I've been worrying that we'll never find someone to spend our life with and that we'll be alone. It sounds ridiculous because we have friends, but there's this pattern with our friends leaving us or drifting away after two or three years. The most recent group wins the award for the longest anyone has stayed with us, since it's been... four, five years? Six for one of them, which is incredible. I just worry that everyone is eventually going to get tired of us and leave like people always have. It's not a sensible fear and they show no signs of doing this, but it's been a very consistent pattern in our life and I still worry about it. And that's not even getting into the mess of wanting a nonromantic life partner that's fine with a truckload of weirdness, being with several people in one body included. The prospect of finding anyone comfortable with everything weird about us is really daunting and I'm scared that person doesn't exist. The only people we've found that we could see living our life with are both taken by each other, and while they're polyam and we're open to that ourselves, that just didn't feel right when we all tried and we mutually broke it off. Now we have a very nebulous maybe-QPP with one of them and no idea what to call the other, but hey, they're friends if nothing else. It's just messy. I wish it could be simple and that we were alloromantic so we could just date normally and find someone, but we're not allo and our ideal "relationship" isn't something most people would call a relationship at all. FWB, maybe, but with everything in-between friends and benefits not included if that makes any sense, and with the benefits being a sometimes thing because of the ace people here. Or a D/s type relationship is also an option, but again, finding the right person is a major barrier and we worry that they're just not out there. I'm scared of always being the third wheel, weird uncle, gay cousin friend to everyone and never truly being close to anyone because they all move on when someone better comes along. I think the others are less worried (except Kaz, who has also been worried about it but is putting that aside to talk me out of the occasional tailspin).
And then gender thoughts. So, collectively we agreed to present as genderqueer. We all have our own genders within that, but genderqueer sums us all up in one way or another, so it's comfortable for all of us. That's fine and dandy, no issues. Since top surgery, we're able to play with presentation without feeling dysphoric about it, which is fantastic, but has also made us increasingly aware of how binary people think everyone is. We wear a headscarf and people think female unless they see a beard, in which case they think male until we wear a skirt, at which point we're a gay man and a threat. With a mask, we're female with either a headscarf or skirt, but replace the scarf with a bandana and wear shorts and suddenly we're male. Even when we manage to confuse people, they still pick one. On the plus side, we're a gender shapeshifter now, which is fun. Even with a deep voice and flat chest, we can still choose how people see us as long as the beard is covered. But it's not what we want. We want to give off so many signals that people are confused; androgyny through extreme gender signalling as both male and female and nothing at all. We want to be the man in a dress, the woman dressed as a man, the enigma that people can't make gendered heads or tails out of. But people think in the binary, and we're trapped by their perceptions one way or another, and the fear that someone will hatecrime us for being the man in a dress is ever-present. I wish people didn't try to gender each other on sight and just asked. I hate how normalized it is to instantly decide someone is female because of their body, or male because of their body, or either because of clothes, but never anything in the middle or beyond. It's exhausting and frustrating.
But hey, at least we come off as incredibly queer to those that know the look. That's a plus in my book. If we set off someone's gaydar, then we're doing it right. Skirts are also the best thing ever now that we're not dysphoric wearing them. They're so comfortable! And some have pockets! You just have to look for ones with good pockets. I can recommend the brand Stretch is Comfort, as not only are their skirts super soft and have big pockets, but they also stock in plus sizes up to... I think it was 7X? Not often you see that, and a good sign. We don't need anything bigger than a Large or XL, but just seeing cute clothes made for bigger folks is lovely because our mom is heavier and it's so hard for her to find clothing she likes. So hey, good clothes, can recommend! They are indeed stretchy, great thick elastic in the waistband and stretchy fabric for the skirt. Makes it even more comfortable. Major kudos as well, because we're very short and this is the only knee-high skirt that was actually around knee height on us.