19 march 2025
ignoring what's going on.
i found a new app to listen to podcasts with. it feels nice to find something else i don't need to use spotify for
it makes me think of how i've been trying to get away from algorithms.
a jellyfin server full of music and movies that i actually control. a youtube client that doesn't make me log in and doesn't try to keep me on the platform for endless hours.
and yet, it all matters SO LITTLE and i still care about it so much.
it's escapism in a way. it's impossible to truly ignore all the things shifting in this country, but i'm finding comfort in controlling the stupid fucking things that i can.
admitting that doesn't change it, doesn't make it okay, but it makes me feel more at peace with the whole idea. and isn't that what this whole thing is about? making me feel better about the things i'm not doing
i really need to do something. and even as i write that sentence, i know i'm not going to do anything. something is very wrong with me.
...and then they came for me, and there was no-one left to speak for me.
i met somebody, and maybe getting old in this body will be okay.
today i was studying at my school's dcc (disability cultural center), and i think it's worth keeping track of the interaction i had today.
i've been here basically all afternoon, between doing work for my job, fiddling around on the town pages, and continuing to read an amazing book i checked out from the library recently (colored television by danzy senza)
at some point, somebody came in to fill up their water and waved and i was just so happy to see a face. and they seemed super nice. the next time they came by we chatted for a moment, and they ended up bringing in a coworker and asking me about what i thought was important when giving an ugly cs problem by verbal description. it was a very small, very human interaction.
when i was talking a short break at one point to go to the bathroom, i had to confront what i look like in the big mirror along one wall. today, i was thinking about the person i met. they're older than me, but i see a lot of what my body looks like in them too. i'm fat, i'm going to go bald soon, i'm what feels like inescapably masc. it turns out they're nonbinary too.
this person made me feel like it might be okay to get older in this body. they were all these things that i hate in myself, but i don't hate seeing them in this person. they're such a vibrant personality, so kind in the interactions i've had with them. i want to be like that when i'm old.
it'd be easy for me to spiral here about my career and life choices, but i'm not going to right now. i am going to end on a high note, that maybe i can be like that for somebody else as i get older.