I still feel.

that's the name of a song by half•alive (yt). it's tangential at best, but I like it.

When I'm furthest from myself
Feeling closer to the stars
I've been invaded by the dark
Trying to recognize myself when I feel I've been replaced

in a way, that's what this is here for. A log of how I was then and how I am now, so I can bring myself back to earth.



16 october 2026

grieving something that is not dead.

I've been trying to get up my nerves to come back to ~town for a while, but this is the first time I'm writing a feels post in quite a while. I'm counting this.

a little while ago (no clue when, time is a flat circle), I tried to come back and got a message like this one.

ssh: connect to host tilde.town port 22: Connection refused

it made me worried. I went to tilde.town in my web browser and saw failures to connect to the server. I thought the town was gone forever. I was angry at myself for not coming back while it was still there, and wondered if there wasn't money to keep it going.

a couple days later I tried again, and it was back. that made me relieved.

now I've been writing this feels post (neofeels now, the world keeps moving) and I am connecting that experience to some other things that have been going on in my life.

cringetober 2026

you might know inktober, when people do daily spooky drawings in india ink and it's beautiful and awesome. cringetober is like that except:

overall it's more accessible to people who are less comfortable with art. hey, that's me! wow!

last year I tried to start halfway through the month (probably around 1 year ago exactly, tbh). It didn't go well, I lost motivation fast. this year has been going okay so far, and I've been strengthened by the fact that some of my friends from college are doing it too. I'm really happy that I am keeping in touch with them after graduation, I worried I might just let those relationships fall apart out of not knowing what to do.

g-g-girl???

big shocker, I know. autistic computer scientist is a trans woman.

this is something that I must continually remind myself doesn't have requirements. I don't have to meet the milestones people think about. even as I write this I'm trying to undermine myself. "if you don't do any of the girl things what makes you a girl?"

cmon, if you weren't a girl you wouldn't be doing and thinking all this. you could have stayed seeing yourself as a man, you could have stayed seeing yourself as nonbinary. there are reasons you didn't.

you don't owe the world any form of self-expression. you can take your time, as long as you don't kill yourself. so don't.

bye now :)

reflecting like this is good for me. I hope I'm going to do it again sometime soon, and maybe hang out in chat a bit and update my homepage and feel like a part of this little community. last time I was in chat I made a silly of myself by thinking du FILE operated in bytes rather than blocks, and I ran away. I am going to try not to run away again.

as Mario once said: "Perchance."

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