08 july 2018
It's Sunday morning here in the Pacific Northwest. I'm struggling with a whole miasma of stuff stuck in my head today. I'm writing my thoughts here, in a text editor on a community-based *nix server using a Bondi Blue iMac because sometimes really really good tools remain good long after their practical use goes away.
Our country's situation sucks right now, and I'm not doing as much about it as I would like. We've got a ten-year old kid, and there's a lot of time and energy invested in making sure that they are going to be alright and have some sort of positive future ahead of them. I donate to causes, I try to amplify things online - I'm not on the front lines protesting right now, but I'm doing little things where I can. Things are bad, and it's been a long and slow process that's actually gotten us there.
We're growing some food on the balcony, and that's a revolutionary act in and of itself. It's something that's probably going to become more and more important - can you sustain yourself using very basic tools? It's one of the things I really like about spaces like this that are community driven and "lo-fi" - getting here and doing stuff doesn't take a whole lot of resources. It also keeps it under the radar a bit, and I like that.
I'm still struggling with gender shit. Demigirl seems most appropriate right now. My presentation is fairly androgynous right now, compared to pictures of about a year ago where I was putting on makeup and wearing dresses and skirts everywhere. I think I'm seeking a place where I feel settled and okay, and I still haven't found that yet. I've thought a bit about trying to seek out an informed consent clinic and trying out low-dose HRT to help alleviate some dysphoria and maybe make me feel like I belong in my skin. I dunno. It's part of the human experience in the 21st century - the feeling like your body is just a meatbag that carries your brain, thoughts, and self about - but one of the things that chronic illness has taught me is that my body IS myself. There's no distinction between mind, body, and person. It makes dealing with gender and the parts of my body that feel incongruent harder.
Sorry for the braindump, but it feels good to say some of this and this seems like a good place to do so. The little things are good - coffee, the weather, having a nice place to live. Moving here (PDX area) from Utah has been... lifegiving. It'll be a year in August. I wonder what another year here will bring / encourage / flourish.