02 august 2018
I am feeling a certain loss of autonomy today. It's assumed that I'll just mosey along with what everyone else in my life wants me to be doing right now, but that's both not what I want and not fair to me.
It doesn't help that it seems like right now my life is this hellish mix of depression, anxiety, dysphoria, the hot weather sucking the life out of me, and various other obligations on my life. At 40 (almost 41 now) I feel like I sound like a whiny teenager. It's all the same shit and doesn't really ever change, you know?
There was this tweet yesterday from @alicegoldfuss where she talked about gender as if it were an OS. I joked that my gender was several VMs running on a hypervisor, but I think there's something deeper there. The process of building up a gender is somewhat exhausting, and the process of tearing another down is also unapealling. I'd like to just randomly gender about and not have to think about any work or social consequences. Because it's fucking 2018 and we should be able to be who we want to be without worrying about getting the shit beat out of us at the fucking McDonalds or losing our job and suddenly becoming homeless.