09 january 2020
Today has been rough emotionally. Last night my twitter feed was full of public trans figures commenting on the awfulness of various things, and then criticism of other public trans folks that I happen to follow, and... felt like deleting twitter from my life for a while. It's the primary means for me figuring out what's going on in the wider world, and that's admittedly a problem. I should probably change that soon.
Struggled a lot with dysphoria in the bathroom getting ready for work this morning. I don't like my facial hair, I don't like my body hair, and I was really in a bad place about how I was feeling about my body overall. I keep going around about which things I'd like to change -- I've got painted fingernails and plan on re-dying my hair soon, but there's bigger issues about whether HRT would be right for me, and if I need to present more femininely than I do or not... argh.
My therapist and I have talked a lot about "activating community" recently - the need to be around and involved with other trans foks, but I'm currently pretty terrible at it. I don't feel much of a connection with the larger queer community in Portland, and being in the suburbs makes getting to any sort of thing that isn't nearby a hassle. There are times that I wonder about our decision to live in the suburbs instead of the city (although we would have never been able to afford city living, so we would never have moved).