01 august 2020
My last feels entry was in March, the start of all of this, what feels like years ago but has only actually been months.
My family and I have been spending nearly all the time at home. We go out when we need to get groceries, or take things out to the dumpster or recycling or check the mail. My spouse and I both have jobs that were already remote, and our kiddo has a school district that will be starting fully remote and has the option for kids to stay that way regardless if they're allowed to go back into the physical school or not.
I wonder about how much we are staying in and how much that's eroding at our selves. I had a small fit today as I was yearning for the feeling of being in a bustling city full of interesting foods and shops and people, and that feels completely inaccessable right now. There's this feeling that we are... idk, silly, strange, outsiders, for not going out into the world right now and doing things, but at the same time, the number of COVID-19 cases just keeps going up with no end in sight.
Today has just been a strange strange day. First time in a long time that I haven't tied my long hair back into a ponytail. I dug out some "old" radio equipment -- it's old SDR stuff that used to belong to my late grandfather, and I used it to listen to the local weather and a jazz station. I miss the time when you could look around and find something interesting or unique when listening to the radio. Now everything seems streamed in addition to broadcast. Except for maybe folks that still use two-way radios like police or fire departments.
I've been on HRT since March, and feel more myself than I have well, ever. I like the feel and touch of my body and don't think about it as much as a mind driving around some sort of meat vehicle.
I've been reading the Wayfarers series of books by Becky Chambers, and the one I'm reading right now (A Close and Common Orbit) is really themed about the relationship between mind and body. It's certainly resonating with where I'm at right now and how I'm feeling about my body/self.
Feels are complicated and strange right now.