01 october 2023
I've been struggling a bit today to figure out how to sum up a lot of my feels lately. There's been a lot this last week, and I'm not sure quite how to untangle them and understand them, but I figured that doing a bit of writing here might be the best way to deal with them. So, here we go.
Monday morning, $job laid off 75 people. Rational me knows that tech companies have been laying people off a lot lately, and is astonished that $job has gone for so long without some kind of action like this. Emotional me was shattered. I've spent the week mostly being a shoulder, trying to process, and trying to reconcile what exactly my values are with regards to work.
I had done some work on myself earlier this year and came to the realization that my primary purpose at work is to reduce the toil and pain of other people as much as possible. Making money for the company is secondary, maybe even tertiary. So, when this news hit, I felt more than anything else. People I knew, hell, people I interviewed, no longer had a job.
I'm not a fan of capitalism. And I'm not a fan of grind culture, which is absolutely pervasive in the tech industry. I think when people are stressed and squashed in the way that grind culture demands, they actually increase risks, take shortcuts, and most importantly, they ignore the signs of danger and burnout that their body/mind is giving them. I know, because it's happened to me.
I'm trying to resolve my internal conflicts around working for a tech company and wanting to live a more sufficent-ish life. I like the principles of Permacomputing and Hopepunk, so the question is -- how can I make our home and lives more in alignment with what I want?
I have been thinking a lot about the idea of a home as an organic being. I think about places like Howl's Castle, or Hooty (the Owl House), and while I don't necessarily want a sentinent home, I do want one that is cozy and does its' best to take care of its inhabitants.
And I'm not sure how to get there. But I'm thinking and working on it. I'm resting and dreaming about it. And I'm actively pursuing rest in opposition to capitalism (something I have learned from Tricia Hersey's Rest is Resistance).
Deep churning feels, y'all.