27 december 2021
I wish this vacation time progressed more slowly, it feels like everything is going by in a flash. I had a stressful holiday involving a miscommunicatioon with my roommate which lead me to cancel plans with my family and touched a deep C-PTSD trigger. I'm starting to pull myself out of it now by using the support and tools at my disposal: journaling, self-reflection and noticing bodily sensations, talking about my feelings and struggles in recovery meetings and with trusted friends, re-parenting and being kind to myself. Doing the work is helping.
Now that I've been doing this inner work for a few years, every time I notice that a thought or behavior is actually a trauma response I find it hilarious. So much of my existence is rooted in hypervigilance and anxiety! The trauma response is EVERYWHERE. How the heck have I survived 30+ years on this earth? (spoilers: I developed these coping mechanisms as tools for survival in a dysfunctional environment! Yeehaw!!)
Anyway... I'm not even sure why I'm writing this here. I guess every time I write about it I release some of the burden and make moore space for healing. Like cleaning out my internal closet. I've crammed a lot of shit in there over the years :]