12 october 2022
I feel disconnected from life right now.
Two weeks ago my grandma fainted outside of her apartment building, fell onto her face and hit her head. A stranger helped her up and she went to bed instead of to the hospital but when her home aide came the next morning and saw her bruised face they called an ambulance immediately. My parents were out of the country at the time on vacation so it was up to my brother and I to try and figure out what was going on, which hospital she was in, and what happened. The hospital absolutely sucked and they took terrible care of her. Grandma is post-open-heart surgery with a history of atrial fibrillation and on blood thinners. They didn't even call her cardiologist to tell him she had come to the ER. My brother drove in from out of state to pick me up and go visit her and as soon as they heard family was coming they discharged her without a plan. They barely gave us any information about the tests they had done or what condition she was in. Grandma was disoriented, in pain, dehydrated, exhausted... she was dressed and ready to leave before we even got there and desperately wanted to go home.
Over the next couple of days I devoted all of my energy to communicating with her doctors, my mom, and the visiting nurse service while trying to convince my grandma to come stay with me in my accessible apartment in an elevator building rather than living alone in her 3rd floor walk-up apartment where she has fallen before. Eventually I convinced her and last Wednesday after an appointment with her cardiologist she came home with me and stayed here until my mom came to pick her up Monday morning. In many ways it felt like taking care of a child; I had to speak very plainly, make sure she ate and hydrated properly, struggled to get her to use mobility aides and allow me to help her. She was very stubborn at times and wanted to do things for herself, frequently saying she was good for nothing and getting in my way. It was heartbreaking because I wanted her to feel she still has her independence but also SO frustrating because I wanted to help her and keep her safe. I want to protect her. I also understand the grief she must be feeling at the loss of her ability, mobility, vitality.
As a physically disabled and chronically ill person since birth I've become accustomed to my fluctuating ability and made peace with the slow disintegration of my physical and mental being but I know most people don't contemplate that facet of existence until it hits them in the face. That's quite a weight to bear all at once. I suppose I feel my own grief at watching someone I love suffer and struggle to process the reality of declining ability. My grandma lives alone, doesn't have many living friends left, doesn't speak English well and sometimes even struggles to communicate in her native tongue as her cognition has slipped over the years. My ultimate wish is for her to find peace where she is and find some joy in whatever time she has left in this life. I love her with all my heart and I just want her to be happy. I know that's not up to me, I can't control another person's feelings or experiences of course. But I wish her well every day. May she be safe and protected, may she be happy and peaceful, may she be healthy and strong, may she be free from suffering. I send metta to her and to all living beings in this universe.
Writing this out has made me feel much better this morning and I will take the day one moment at a time. I guess I'm just experiencing may feelings that I can't name or understand right now and that makes me uncomfortable. The feelings are uncomfortable and I wand to alleviate the discomfort of them but I also know that they need to be felt and I should give them space even thought I may not understand what they mean. I feel weird not knowing what to do to take care of myself and part of me is afraid I'm doing the wrong things. I'm afraid that I'm not allowing myself to feel their full intensity and the suppressed emotions with bubble over when I least expect them. It's okay to be afraid too. I know I have support and I have made it through worse in life with less. Just keep going.