11 june 2020
hey blorg, long time no see
well, 'long time'...
had that job interview yesterday.
no dice.
well.
I'm still all too undecided about all that.
spending all your daytime working? bleh. you don't get to do your own things, see your friends, basically, be yourself and live.
but, also, you do need things to look forward to, to keep yourself going in life. well, maybe not everyone, but I do. I can only spend so much time farting around on the internet before I fall into depression.
but, for me, things need to either be meaningful or be stimulating, which most developer job offers fail to be.
I spent most of the coronavirus lockdown with my friends, in their squat.
minus some drama, it felt fairly good. having people around me helps me feel better, provided I can also retreat and take some rest alone when I need to.
so, this fuels my ongoing existential crisis.
I'm renting that apartment rn. what were the reasons behind that, again?
stability, reliability. squats are good, but they're unstable and more or less unpredictable. French laws give them some protection, but you know that eventually you'll be packing up and moving again.
having a stable base to properly 'finish' my transition. by that, I mean getting my legal name and gender updated, among other fun things.
the stable base is also good for peacefully solving the existential crisis, although it also becomes part of it.
downsides?
having to pay rent and shit, which kinda requires an income.
living alone.
flatsharing might be a good compromise, living with other people but not being a squat...
I'd just need to fid a group of friends who would be interested. turns out, most of them are squatters, so... yeah.
also, squats are a part of me now.
I lived in various squats for two years -- basically at the same time as I started my transition.
it's not been always easy. it was even pretty shitty at times.
but I can't claim to regret it. I don't.
I learnt a lot from this. more than I learnt during any year at university or whatever.
I met fantastic people. people I can call true friends.
I'm not closing the door on all this.
it's also likely that given my pre-existing chances of finding a job and getting through it, and now the upcoming economical crisis, I will find myself having to move back to squats one day or another.
'squat partout', as we say.