9 march 2026
I don't really know how to balance being offline and like, upkeeping some form of digital identity, which is weird.
I have definitely swung extremely hard into being offline as of late, with crochet demanding visual attention and also occupying both of my hands. Most of my time online is spent directly speaking with my best friend, or us writing together. Other than that, it's really primarily just for background noise and not active engagement as I work away at some little project I've preoccupied my hands with. Currently working on a messenger bag to wear on summer outings...
It feels odd. I think part of it is growing up more or less on the internet. Like I'm sort of erasing myself, by taking a step back from the blaring noise and deluge of posts and posting??? I mean, it's peaceful. My life has shrunk substantially. I have occasional outings in person, maybe twice a month- and I go to classes in person. I have My Person, my best friend who I find a lot of fulfillment in playing touys together with. But I kind of miss the buzz of an ambient community, the slowness of getting to know one another through time- spaced out occasional interactions and building rapport through the crawl of time punctuated by fun events. I think it's sort of like being lonely, but also being weirdly sensitive about protecting my time and space and dedication to doing things for me, rather than for an external audience.
I recently remade a new personal website- I haven't told anyone about it. I made a videogame for my best friend's birthday, and that's it: she loved it, and that was all that it needed to be, a beloved gift for the precise audience of one. It feels a bit less performative than the polish I put up on the Neocities attached to this handle, and I kind of like the anonymity of using no name at all on the new website lends, as compared to an assumed name, (or trying them on for size- I have been having a really hard time picking out one to go by socially for months, now. It's pretty tiring, not feeling like you have any name at all that you really connect to and identify with. Growing awkward pains.)
I don't know, I kind of like having that little slice of webspace Just For Me. It's full of inane ramblings. It doesn't have anything too structured- not the meticulous documentation of my crochet hobby as on another, and the weird comfort that I find out of- splintering identity, I guess. Of trying things on for size, and seeing what feels right. I don't know. It's a bit silly.
I did make an account on that forum noted on the BBJ, since I figured I have missed forums... It's kind of like having a newspaper to open up and check.
Maybe I just need to get out there and be a bit more social. (Maybe I'm just exhausted from grad school, and wrung out. Maybe it's just a normal part of trying to figure out how to navigate a digital identity and one in the flesh.)
I have my best friend, and I'm grateful. But I guess I kind of missed more casual community?
Oh, and I made a little spot on the new website for things I'd normally like, send out inanely in a groupchat or Tweet or Skeet or whatever. I don't know. I guess I went through a phase there of severely withdrawing from most social contexts- relationships that didn't feel reciprocal, and watched as so many of them vanished into the ether once I stopped giving unadulterated access to my emotions, time, capacity, and energy. It's been freeing. But a little disjointing, to have a life shrink at the edges. For the better, I think. But maybe it's time to crawl out of having huddled into myself to see what's out there? And um, learning how to modulate my speech a bit. It's nice to keep some things just for myself, or for me and my best friend, rather than anxiously word vomiting and trying to prove something to people who don't care.