05 november 2016
Ode to Contradictions
I tend to procrastinate a lot. I hate it, but it happens. I'm slowly getting better about it, I think. I'm a weird bundle of contradictions. I'm both an early bird, and a night owl, I procrastinate, and constantly feel like I should be doing something, I crave to be my own boss, and I want to also just do my job. It feels weird. Unnatural, even. But it's apparently who I am. Perhaps one day I'll figure out a set of things to be, that aren't a contradiction. Maybe I'm just not completely grown up yet. I kind of stumbled into adulthood all of a sudden, and I'm still not 100% used to it. Well, I say I stumbled into it, more like I decided to take up jogging and for my first time out, I ran a marathon. I didn't prepare myself very well for adulthood during my formative years. Perhaps because I didn't want to, perhaps I just didn't think of it. I didn't have a job, very few responsibilities, didn't really have to worry about much of anything. I still have a very easy life, and I'm incredibly fortunate for that, but I can't help but wonder if I'd be in an even better position if I had done something -- anything -- differently.
I've always been ambitious. Hell, I'm already trying to plan out how to buy a house in a major metropolitan area, and I'm scarcely old enough to drink in the United States. The average age of a first-time homebuyer is 31-34. I'm a full decade and change before that, and I'm hellbent on finding a way to get a house. I'm not entirely sure if I'm ambitious, or delusional. Determined, or uneducated on how the world just has to work. I want to start a business, I want to travel the world... I want a lot of things. I'm working on trying to manage my own expectations, while simultaneously trying to make my "wants" into "haves". Perhaps it's just me hedging my bets. I'm not 100% sure on why I do anything I do. I'm impulsive sometimes. Hell, a lot of the time probably. I'm responsible to the point that I need to be. I'm eager to learn, and happy with what I know. Perhaps I am just a living contradiction. Perhaps I should accept that. Perhaps I should fight it. I'm not at all sure. If any of you townies happen to watch Bojack Horseman, I often feel like a mix between a responsible adult, and Vincent Adultman. Perhaps it's just a vicious cycle of self-doubt that causes me to never feel happy with what I have; to never feel like I deserve to be where I am. Hell, I'm doubting myself over that last damn semicolon. Something inconsequestial that is making me question my own writing. I'm questioning if this damn rant is even an Ode. I looked up the dictionary definition of Ode just to assauge my worries, and I'm still not entirely sure. Maybe I'm just weird. Maybe I'm just broken. Maybe I'm just perfect as I am. I have no idea, and maybe that's the problem, or maybe just a symptom.
Self doubt is a hell of a thing. I hate it, because it leaves me feeling like I don't belong. I love it because it constantly pushes me to try harder. Yet I'm never happy with what I've done. It's never enough. I could write the "Howl" of code, the "Hamlet" of programming, and I'd never know it, or never believe it. A constant dark cloud of impostor syndrome hangs over my head, never letting lose droplets of relief, never striking me with a jolt of reality. It's just... there.
Perhaps it's not worth writing about, yet here you are reading it. I can barely I'm reading it myself. It's just words. From some person, probably thousands of miles away. He's not important. He's not famous. He's not a genius. He's just a guy. So thank you, sincerely, for taking the time to read my tirade. To consume my monologue on my inner monologue. My tale of trepidation that never seems to end. Most of all, thank you for existing, you wonderful person. I still don't know who I am, but I hope that perhaps, in some way, these words relate to you. Even if nobody ever reads these words, it feels good just to write them down. To let them escape from constantly gnawing at my mind. To have them somewhere else, where I don't have to worry about them as much.
~caff
Phew, now that my diatribe on my own self-doubt is over, it's time for the one thing I promised I'd try to do every day. It's time for a song. I love, love, love remixes. They always amaze me in their variety, their take on the original song, and how they can completely change the feel of a song. One of the most striking examples of this would be Mike Posner, who skyrocketed to popularity with the release of "Cooler Than Me", whose song "I Took a Pill in Ibiza", a slow, stripped-down acoustic track that sounds more like a sad country song than an electronic anthem, yet when SeeB remixed the song, it became a much more upbeat tune, despite the lyrics. Considering what a heart-wrenching song the original is, it almost is disappointing to me that the remix surpassed it in popularity by an order of magnitude, the music video garnering over half a billion plays on YouTube, and the original only reaching a bit over 20M views, but I digress. Both the original and the remix are amazing, and absolutely are worth a listen, just for the lyrics. I hope you enjoy these songs!
Mike Posner - I Took a Pill in Ibiza (Original)
Mike Posner - I Took a Pill in Ibiza (SeeB Remix)
Finally, you really should read over Mike Posner's own thoughts on the lyrics, which he shared on Genius. It's incredible to see the though processes behind the song, but this in particular really felt raw, and never has a song made me want to just hug someone before.
~caff