09 december 2022
today the world is still, and dust particles run straight through the air, and the sunbeam is interrupted by no specks of decay and breath and skin, nor does it shine on them. all is void of being. i feel a yearning to return to a field, any field, hopefully green with artificial or wild life, still, despite the threat of the looming solstice.
we are almost at the time of the longest nights and yet, though i already feel my hands numb from the cold, it will still get much worse.
the syntax of being is not quite clear today. nothing much is happening, and i long to close my eyes and witness with more awareness the churning of my mind to distract from the body of my languishing person.
i think i will try to work. there is a poem i have been incubating and i feel this is as good a day as any to let it out. i'm still paralyzed by the fear of exams which have now passed, as exams and deadlines do, with marginal success. so much of my life, it seems, is about waiting things out, when i want the good things to happen now. what will save me? but i'm not so unhappy anyway.
--
in french, the structure of the negative originally used the simple negation "ne". then, in the middle ages, for hyperbolic effect, it became said with "ne pas": not a single step. now, in this era of linguistic shift and dissociation from the tradition, people say "step" to mean "not".
i had never thought of this.